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Posted (edited)

Let me try to make this as brief, and succinct as possible.

 

Synopsis: two middle-aged people were involved in an eight-months exclusive relationship, that he ended, seemingly out of the blue. She took the hint and remained in NC for seven months, then contacted him for a seemingly serious circumstance in her life, where she just felt the need to reach out to him. Conversations go well, and both are relieved that contact has been restored. They engage in talking, activities, then dates (his idea). All platonic.

 

She stills feels as much for him as she did before the breakup, confesses her feelings, and would like to include physical intimacy. Due to life circumstances on his end, he does not feel the same. She respects him for respecting her, but also is beginning to experience serious heartache from unrequitted love. She appreciates and enjoys his presence tremendously, as he does hers, and they are close friends at this point. She does her darndest best to contain her feelings while he is around, because she does not want him to feel bad or guilty. Behind closed doors, though, she feels extremely sad, and also anxious of losing him.

 

Losing him because she knows that eventually, he will date again, based on active online dating profiles, and she does not want to be around if and when this happens. She wants to step back, gradually, or abruptly, to allow herself regain some mental clarity, and reign in her emotions. As for him, his post-marital dating history contains a series of short relationships which he ended because he sabotaged them, including theirs. He is becoming aware of leaving behind a trail of sadness, and wants to stop that pattern. He fears that if he were to get closer to her, he would hurt her again. And he values her friendship tremendously, and does not want to mess things up with her. He wants to keep her in his life, but is unsure in what function.

 

So she continues to reconcile her feelings for him, and puts her best foot forward with him. She has a life of her own, and wonders if becoming less available would help him and her figure things out one way or the other.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Posted

To start, I *hate* third-party story-telling. Mark it off as LAME.

 

That said, she should move on. She will never get what she wants out of him and the longer she tries to hold on - and hope - the bigger the second heart-break will be when/if he decides to give his heart to someone else: Which He Will.

 

The friendship is nothing as long as one of the parties has unrequited love for another. It will never be a true friendship. It is just dating for convenience sake; again, one hoping for something that will never be and the other other just using the dating as a place-holder.

  • Like 3
Posted

What the heck is platonic dating, but a ridiculous oxymoron?

 

You are going to get hurt. Bow out of his life and accept he won't be able to give you what you want from him.

  • Like 1
Posted

Remain in platonic relationship but start dating and find your own man. Then it won't hurt as much.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

Duly noted on the third party comment. It wasn't intentional, and it's not my usual MO, perhaps a subconscious attempt to dissociate from the situation. ;)

  • Author
Posted

I have considered, and even tried dating others, but it's not an easy thing for me to do. The writing is on the wall for me, though. But I hate to think that he would use me for convenience's sake.

Posted

Yes, I figured you were the woman in this third-person account. It's an anonymous board, so I don't quite get the point.

 

Hon, stop torturing yourself and cut all contact completely. Your big mistake was contacting him on some pretext after he broke up with you.

 

This is not a fairytale. Unrequited love is not romantic. It's a waste of time and energy. This guy is not going to magically come to his senses and start seeing you as a serious romantic prospect again. That ship sailed 8+ months ago when he broke up with you. FWIW, he's not sabotaging all his relationships as you claim. He just hasn't met the right woman for him. When he does, he'll stop breaking up with the women he dates. Until then, when it becomes clear during the dating process that she's not right for him, he'll continue to exit.

 

Now, you also haven't met the right guy. When you do, you'll know it. He'll reciprocate your feelings and want to date you...not just agree to be your platonic friend. But you aren't going to be open to meeting Mr. Right until you're completely over this Mr. Unavailable. And you can't get over Mr. Unavailable as long as you continue to call and hang out with him. Please stop wasting your life on this fantasy.

 

If you went out with your best girlfriend, would you label that platonic dating? Probably not. Well he's the equivalent of your best girlfriend now, except he can grow a beard. It's Girls Night Out, but he doesn't need a bra.

  • Like 1
Posted
Duly noted on the third party comment. It wasn't intentional, and it's not my usual MO, perhaps a subconscious attempt to dissociate from the situation. ;)

 

Dissociate from him...not the reality of the situation.

Posted
I have considered, and even tried dating others, but it's not an easy thing for me to do. The writing is on the wall for me, though. But I hate to think that he would use me for convenience's sake.

 

He's not responsible for your life. You are. If you offer yourself up to be used, especially if you hide your true intentions (which you are), expect him to accept the offer if and when it suits him...and similarly to decline it when it's of no benefit to him...e.g. he's found a woman he does want to date.

 

As long as you engage him and hope to eventually date him, you will not genuinely be open to finding another man. Your best bet is to go no contact...and stay no contact...forever. Will you be over him before forever? Yes. But once you're truly over him, you'll no longer see any reason to contact him. Until then, you aren't over him.

Posted
I have considered, and even tried dating others, but it's not an easy thing for me to do. The writing is on the wall for me, though. But I hate to think that he would use me for convenience's sake.
You need time. You need to be alone. I'm sorry. I've been doing it for about a year and some change now.

 

Go NC. Don't date. Find some new challenges. Reflect. Read. Write. Repeat. Whatever your relationship with that guy is supposed to be will work itself out without your meddling.

Posted
Yes, I figured you were the woman in this third-person account. It's an anonymous board, so I don't quite get the point.

 

Hon, stop torturing yourself and cut all contact completely. Your big mistake was contacting him on some pretext after he broke up with you.

 

This is not a fairytale. Unrequited love is not romantic. It's a waste of time and energy. This guy is not going to magically come to his senses and start seeing you as a serious romantic prospect again. That ship sailed 8+ months ago when he broke up with you. FWIW, he's not sabotaging all his relationships as you claim. He just hasn't met the right woman for him. When he does, he'll stop breaking up with the women he dates. Until then, when it becomes clear during the dating process that she's not right for him, he'll continue to exit.

 

Now, you also haven't met the right guy. When you do, you'll know it. He'll reciprocate your feelings and want to date you...not just agree to be your platonic friend. But you aren't going to be open to meeting Mr. Right until you're completely over this Mr. Unavailable. And you can't get over Mr. Unavailable as long as you continue to call and hang out with him. Please stop wasting your life on this fantasy.

 

If you went out with your best girlfriend, would you label that platonic dating? Probably not. Well he's the equivalent of your best girlfriend now, except he can grow a beard. It's Girls Night Out, but he doesn't need a bra.

 

^^^This..........

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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