Aurora_227 Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Hi all! You may be familiar with my story, but if not, here's a brief run: - Dated ex for over a year - It was his first relationship (we are in our early 20s) - Ex broke up with me several months ago because he said the spark was missing - Ex tried to remain in contact but I asked for space - I ended NC to open communication; he responded fine And that was that. I have since gone out on a date with someone else, so I am trying to move forward. However, I got some confusing information from one of our mutual friends. She told me that lately he has been bringing me up non-stop and finding ways to mention me. She told me she's not trying to get my hopes up or anything, but that maybe this is his way of trying to address the elephant in the room when I'm not there with all of them. She said that whenever they are all together, he'll say something like "Oh, (insert my name here) would do this together." Often. Also, he's introduced my friend as "My ex-girlfriend's roommate" several times now, which she has told him to stop because that's a weird way to introduce her. Also, despite his bringing me up all the time, he refuses to talk about the breakup to anyone. She talked with some of our other friends and asked if they've been having similar weird experiences, and they told her yes - in fact, they're really struggling to be around him at all because he's making it so uncomfortable. It makes me sad because he is genuinely a good guy and I don't want him to push our friends away, but I know ultimately that isn't my responsibility. Not anymore. What the heck is going on? He has some social immaturity (clearly), but I have no idea what to make of this. Do you have any thoughts? P.S. After this posting, I am not going to dwell on what he says or does about me. I am moving forward - not backward. I just wanted to hear your thoughts. Thank you! 1
aloneinaz Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Sorry, but you are continuing to revisit your past as you're posting here about an "ex" BF's thoughts and actions.. I get it but.. focus on your future not on someone who kicked you to the curb. Personally, I'd NOT want to have contact with co-friends until I was completely over it and moved on (which you're not). If you have to continue to talk to co-friends, make it clear you have no aspiration to discuss, hear about or rehash this past R/S that failed and cause you to be dumped. Seriously, stop focusing and spinning your thoughts on the past. Focus on how great it's going to be when you meet your next love. He's out there, waiting for you. Keep those thoughts. 2
Author Aurora_227 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 Sorry, but you are continuing to revisit your past as you're posting here about an "ex" BF's thoughts and actions.. I get it but.. focus on your future not on someone who kicked you to the curb. Personally, I'd NOT want to have contact with co-friends until I was completely over it and moved on (which you're not). If you have to continue to talk to co-friends, make it clear you have no aspiration to discuss, hear about or rehash this past R/S that failed and cause you to be dumped. Seriously, stop focusing and spinning your thoughts on the past. Focus on how great it's going to be when you meet your next love. He's out there, waiting for you. Keep those thoughts. Thank you for your response! I promise, this was more of a vague curiosity. Personally, whenever he has popped into my head lately, I mentally say "SCREW YOU" and push him from my mind. My mutual friends have actually been really great about not talking to me about him. I honestly had no idea he was even making them uncomfortable until that one particularly close friend (to me) was telling me that. But even she has been careful about what to say. All of our mutual friends were genuinely excited for me about me going on a date - they want me to be happy and are trying hard to make sure that's the case. I refuse to cut them out of my life. But I do understand that for some people it is easier to do so...I just can't do that in this case. Thanks for your positivity. I'm excited to meet that special person (who knows, maybe they're already in my life). I'm looking forward to the future and I'm excited for it! 1
DexterLS Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Stop over-analysing everything and tell your friends to stop giving you information about your ex. You need to move on and you probably need some new friends as well. All the best 2
Author Aurora_227 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 Stop over-analysing everything and tell your friends to stop giving you information about your ex. You need to move on and you probably need some new friends as well. All the best Oh goodness, I know you guys are trying to help, but I'm not going to cut my friends out of my life! This is not a solution for me. I am actually going to be a bridesmaid in one of their weddings, and I simply cannot do that to them. They have been too good and supportive to me. They want me to be happy without my ex, even if he is their friend. I have, however, cut down on the amount of time I am spending with them, at least until I'm fully over it and whatever weirdness with the ex has sorted itself out. They're also not running to me with news of the ex - this was a rare occurrence. Thank you for your response, though! I promise, I'm moving forward. I just haven't experienced this type of weirdness with an ex before. And trust me, I've seen some WEIRD stuff go down after a breakup. 1
ravfour4 Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 I think you already know what's going on, he may be thinking about you or the breakup differently and that's why he's starting to bring you up often. Only he knows what it means and he may just be confused at the moment. If you two are back in contact you could jokingly bring it up with him the next time you see him and see what he says, or you can just keep doing what you're doing and see if he starts talking to you differently. No, you don't need to cut out all your friends...lol people on here are on straight cut throat recovery mode "CUT out everyone!! Go NC!!!" 1
Satu Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 It doesn't matter what he does. What matters now is what you do. Make good choices. Go forward in your life. *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. Take care. 1
minimariah Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 you don't have to cut down on anything -- just tell them that you have no desire discussing or knowing what's up with your X. 2
DexterLS Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Oh goodness, I know you guys are trying to help, but I'm not going to cut my friends out of my life! This is not a solution for me. I am actually going to be a bridesmaid in one of their weddings, and I simply cannot do that to them. They have been too good and supportive to me. They want me to be happy without my ex, even if he is their friend. I have, however, cut down on the amount of time I am spending with them, at least until I'm fully over it and whatever weirdness with the ex has sorted itself out. They're also not running to me with news of the ex - this was a rare occurrence. Thank you for your response, though! I promise, I'm moving forward. I just haven't experienced this type of weirdness with an ex before. And trust me, I've seen some WEIRD stuff go down after a breakup. I am not telling you to stop being friends with them. I just said you need some new ones that are not in the same circle as your ex All the best!
frigginlost Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 (edited) Oh goodness, I know you guys are trying to help, but I'm not going to cut my friends out of my life! This is not a solution for me. I am actually going to be a bridesmaid in one of their weddings, and I simply cannot do that to them. They have been too good and supportive to me. They want me to be happy without my ex, even if he is their friend. I have, however, cut down on the amount of time I am spending with them, at least until I'm fully over it and whatever weirdness with the ex has sorted itself out. They're also not running to me with news of the ex - this was a rare occurrence. Thank you for your response, though! I promise, I'm moving forward. I just haven't experienced this type of weirdness with an ex before. And trust me, I've seen some WEIRD stuff go down after a breakup. Welcome to one of the things I hate about these boards. You will more than likely hear "cut this, ditch that, stop this, stop that, move on, who cares, get over it, etc." Without letting the poster know it is normal to feel that way as they continue to try to heal. It goes with the territory I suppose. Your ex bringing you up indicates that you are on his mind. It pretty much means nothing, but it does go to show, that dumpees are not forgotten. He may be doing some thinking... You sound very in tune with your feelings, and it is absolutely normal to pose the question you did on these boards. Keep your friends, and keep moving forward. You seem to be doing well. Edited July 11, 2015 by frigginlost
aloneinaz Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 I don't think ANYONE was suggesting to cut and run from all her existing friends. I think the consensus was to minimize the contact with them while also STRONGLY asking each of them to NOT share or bring up anything about the ex. There's a few posters who seem to strongly disagree with the majority of the advice that's given on this site yet continue to participate in the board each day?!?! No one has all the answers nor the correct answers. EVERYONE needs to filter the advice provided by these boards. What MOST folks can figure out on their own is what works and what doesn't when trying to heal and move on from a failed relationship that they were dumped from. What works? Going NC and vanishing from the dumpers lives so the person can heal from it and move on. What doesn't work? Rehashing, staying in limited contact, hiding at home for months while having a pity party over someone who didn't want them and obsessing over the dumper is guaranteed to NOT work. How many posts a day do we see where someone posts "broke NC and feel horrible"? Far too many. People ALWAYS need to walk the path they feel comfortable with. No one is saying "do this our you're going to fall over dead". Most of the folks posting the NC, vanish, etc, are sharing what's worked for them (including myself) and what's worked for the thousand of folks that have posted on this site over the years.
frigginlost Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I don't think ANYONE was suggesting to cut and run from all her existing friends. I think the consensus was to minimize the contact with them while also STRONGLY asking each of them to NOT share or bring up anything about the ex. Then word it that way. The poster herself even got the feeling everyone was telling her to lose her friends. I'm not disagreeing at all with what advice was given regarding not hearing about her ex from friends. Chill. There's a few posters who seem to strongly disagree with the majority of the advice that's given on this site yet continue to participate in the board each day?!?! So you're saying that only those who agree with your advice can participate. Got it. No one has all the answers nor the correct answers. EVERYONE needs to filter the advice provided by these boards. Completely agree. What MOST folks can figure out on their own is what works and what doesn't when trying to heal and move on from a failed relationship that they were dumped from. Completely agree again. What works? Going NC and vanishing from the dumpers lives so the person can heal from it and move on. Completely disagree. NC is situation based, and should never be a blanket reaction. What doesn't work? Rehashing, staying in limited contact, hiding at home for months while having a pity party over someone who didn't want them and obsessing over the dumper is guaranteed to NOT work. Disagree completely. Limited can and does work fine based on the SITUATION. I'm stunned that some simply can't grasp that.... How many posts a day do we see where someone posts "broke NC and feel horrible"? Far too many. And what was the situation that led to NC in those instances? Another blanket statement... People ALWAYS need to walk the path they feel comfortable with. No one is saying "do this our you're going to fall over dead". Most of the folks posting the NC, vanish, etc, are sharing what's worked for them (including myself) and what's worked for the thousand of folks that have posted on this site over the years. What is it about NC only folks, that their cages get rattled if some offers a difference of opinion? Heck, I've given advice to go NC, vanish, etc, based, again, on the situation... I really don't want to derail this thread from the original poster and her topic, so I'm done.
ravfour4 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 This board is entertaining. Many folks on here love to stomp on people who are down in the dumps thinking this will somehow motivate them to get better. I haven't seen it work once. People say "yeah you're right" and then they break NC because they want their ex back and that real companionship, who cares what some random demeaning people on a website are saying. I think if people were more understanding and said things like "yeah, he's obviously thinking about you more, may mean he wants you back but probably not" vs. "go NC now!! Tell all your friends to stop talking about him!" People would listen more. I know most on here sincerely want to help and value self preservation over all, and really try not to give false hope, but it seems like most are here to talk through their thoughts and vent and rarely actually listen to the advice given. Instead they go through the process on their own terms, breaking NC, making a fool of themselves etc. and learn through the journey.
Author Aurora_227 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 Whew! Lots of great replies, thanks everyone! I'm not sure how to quote multiple posts, so I'm just going to try and reply here. I honestly did get the vibe that I needed to cut my friends out of my life from some of the posts...if this was not the intent, I apologize for taking it that way, but I have seen that advice given here on LS before. I am very, VERY fortunate in the fact that I am a bit of a social butterfly and I have multiple friend groups that I can be around, including the one that is friends with my ex. I know I'm blessed in that regard. I'm also not rehashing or dwelling on the breakup, at least not like I used to. Am I sad sometimes? Yes. Did I get a little sad after my first date with someone new, even though I had a great time? Yes. I acknowledge that this is part of the healing process but I know I am well on my journey. To be clear, I am not looking to get back with my ex. Of course I did for a while after the breakup because I loved him, but I reached this point in my pain where I didn't even know if things could return to the way they used to be. Do I wonder if he's perhaps regretting his decision? You bet I do! Do I think he is? Personally, it doesn't even really matter. It just makes me sad to know that he's making our friends uncomfortable and he has no idea that he's only hurting himself when he does this. However, I know this is no longer my responsibility...it's hard to see someone you cared/care about embarrass themselves and/or lose friends in the process. If my friends continue to bring him up (which they have not, thankfully, except for this rare incident), then I will tell them to please withhold the information. I have unfollowed him and his family on Facebook, but I don't think I will unfriend him unless he gets nasty towards me (which I HIGHLY doubt). This post was genuinely a curiosity post...I wanted to see what LS members thought, and thank you again for replying to me. I appreciate it and all of your insight!
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