Elaine Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 After on again off again - recent reconciliation after 3 weeks of no contact I find myself in turmoil. I was dying during the no contact period - swallowed my pride, called my ex and now I'm being treated coldly. He wants to work things out but is punishing me in the process with his nice one minute - cold the next atttitude. I've lost trust in him and think there is too much resentment and crap involved now - he's playing games and because I called him during the NC period - now he's being a jerk. He called me back several times now to say he wants to work it out, he loves me, etc.... I think things are going well and we're going to reconcile - Then I called him this morning to say Good Morning and he was downright rude to me - had a mouth full of food and acted like I was the last person he wanted to talk to. This is mind games - I'm beyond this now and either want to work it out - act like adults (we're in our 40's) or severe the relationship. Why is it when you give in to no contact it gives the other person power to act mean?
greenhorn Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 I don't think NC is done for reconciliation, it is done for moving on. If you are doing NC for getting back then the whole concept is wrong. If you are doing it for moving on then we all sometimes cave in, it is nothing abnormal and the subsequent treatment makes it sure that next time we don't cave in.
Firesqueak Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Greenhorn- I somewhat disagree with you. It can be a reconsiliation tool- but only if both are on the same page. Elaine (that's my middle name!) you shouldn't let anyone yank you around. If he's being a peon to you, then YOU should ignore HIM.
UCFKevin Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Anyone who responds badly to being contacted by you when you were previously in a good relationship is no longer worth your time and you should realize that. Sever the relationship. He's acting like a child. Actually, the whole concept of NC is pretty childish. "I'm not gonna talk to you anymore! Neener neener! Take that!"
greenhorn Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 FireSqueak, I don't have much of experience in this but you might be correct. But if one is thinking of reconciliation, then I think talking and sorting the issues with calm mind might help more and could be more effective. Some of the ppl might take NC for reconciliation as a manipulative and mind game tool, or sometimes it might have a side effect, the other person might take it true and walk out. But you are true when you say if both are in same page then it might work, and also when the breakup does not involve a third person.
greenhorn Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by UCFKevin Actually, the whole concept of NC is pretty childish. "I'm not gonna talk to you anymore! Neener neener! Take that!" when everytime you talk and is treated like s***, then more than being childish, NC does help you to salvage some of your dignity.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by Elaine After on again off again - recent reconciliation after 3 weeks of no contact I find myself in turmoil. I was dying during the no contact period - swallowed my pride, called my ex and now I'm being treated coldly. He wants to work things out but is punishing me in the process with his nice one minute - cold the next atttitude. I've lost trust in him and think there is too much resentment and crap involved now - he's playing games and because I called him during the NC period - now he's being a jerk. He called me back several times now to say he wants to work it out, he loves me, etc.... I think things are going well and we're going to reconcile - Then I called him this morning to say Good Morning and he was downright rude to me - had a mouth full of food and acted like I was the last person he wanted to talk to. This is mind games - I'm beyond this now and either want to work it out - act like adults (we're in our 40's) or severe the relationship. Why is it when you give in to no contact it gives the other person power to act mean? Because you tell them you can not survive without them when you break NC. It's that simple. You only feed their ego when you break NC. Sadly, it's a game. If you break NC, you will almost always lose. If THEY break NC, it usually means they have re-evaluated themselves and have turned over a new leaf. Sometimes, even then, that may only last a little while. But, as long as the dumpee breaks NC, you will almost always lose.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by UCFKevin Anyone who responds badly to being contacted by you when you were previously in a good relationship is no longer worth your time and you should realize that. Sever the relationship. He's acting like a child. Actually, the whole concept of NC is pretty childish. "I'm not gonna talk to you anymore! Neener neener! Take that!" LOL. It's much more complex than that, Kevin. It's more like "I'm going to prove to myself that I can survive without you." It's hard. Harder than maintaing contact. But it's really the only way to gain control of your life back. Besides, it teaches self-control. No BAD thing can come of no contact. At least none that I have seen.
Elaine Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 No contact is definately playing games - I agree. It's childish. I think if you're in a healthy relationship to begin with you never have the reason to use no contact in the first place.
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