my03 Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 I was dating my gf for almost one and a half years. I just turned 30 and she will be turning 29 in december. I love her and we get along great, also love being around each other, she has a great heart but the thing is she has n maturity and avoids responsibility and runs and hides from tricky situations in life. She still lives at home and has very conservative parents. She does not have a job but is currently studying child care and hoped to be working in child care by the end of the year. She has no life goals or anything like that. I'm the exact opposite I know what I'm doing and where I'm going. After a few months of sex, she stopped having sex and said she is going through a phase where she doesn't feel like sex. It's ok cause we actually grew closer even without sex and we were very affectionate, always holding hands, kissing etc. We always told each other we loved each other etc. When she was on holidays with her parents we had an argument and she didn't speak to me for a week. When she got back she contacted me and said she didn't want to be annoyed for her holidays thats why she didn't argue with me. I told her she needs to grow up and talk about her problems and not just run away from them. She said the relationship wasn't going anywhere cause I want kids and a family and she doesn't. She doesn't even have a career yet or her life together and has no idea what she wants to do with herself and I asked her what she wants with us and she said she doesn't know. I said if she doesn't even know what she wants I need to move on. I love her but I need someone who shares the same relationship goals Anyway, after I broke up with her (a few days ago) we were still kinda texting, I wanted to know why she felt like that and she said she's not stable with her life and cant think about her future, she said she wanted to be with me but had no idea about the future. Thats just the type of person she is, quite incompetent as a person but i loved her. Just wondering if you guys think I made the right choice or if I should of stayed and been more patient and helped her improve herself? I'm really sad sorry for the long story thanks in advance for the advice
guest569 Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Just wondering if you guys think I made the right choice or if I should of stayed and been more patient and helped her improve herself? Maybe she doesn't need improving, and even so its not your job. You either accept or get out, so I think you made the right choice. and it doesn't sound like she thins there is anything wrong with how she is living her life. However the fact that you both want different things out of the relationship is the main concern and you cant really move past that. 1
Learningtowalkagain Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Stinks when the chemistry is there but the goals aren't. There's really nothing worse in life. I know they say you can't have your cake and eat it too but in relationships there has to be a little of both. Sometimes there's overwhelming chemistry but different goals. The key is finding a little of both. If you're fortunate to find a person who wants both you're one of the lucky ones. With my ex the chemistry was there the goals were not even close. It sucks. I still cling to the chemistry aspect. But I know our goals were so different it could never work. Good luck to you.
Author my03 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 Thanks guys, I have been thinking if i made the wrong decision. She is trying to get her life sorted now so having a family is the last thing on her mind. If she was settled with me maybe things would be different. There's so many things I want to say to her but haven't. I want to tell her how much she meant to me and how I never saw the lack of goals or career as a problem, but I just needed her to at least know she wanted to be with me then everything else will fall in place. Do you think this is a bad idea and I should just move on because she won;t change?
spiderowl Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 The issue seems to be her uncertainty about what she wanted with you, not her goals and career. It sounds like you were more focused and knew what you wanted with her, whereas she was more vague about everything. I can understand your need to clarify matters and you have done this by breaking up with her. Uncertainty is not a nice place to be. Regarding wanting to say things to her. I would say if it is your instinct to do so, then follow your instinct. What have you lost? Nothing. You have said what you wanted to say. It does not mean you two should get back together again or not. It was in your heart to say it. Why restrict yourself now? At least if you convey what you wanted to, you can move on knowing that you left her with something positive.
guest569 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I dunno, with post-breakup discussions i think less is more. I dont know what state she is in after the breakup but you could make things worse if she is trying to move on. Here you are focused on her life and career as the reason for breaking up, even calling her "incompetent as a person" because she doesn't have clear goals and cant picture her future.. I would just leave her alone.
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