IronZ Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 (edited) I have yet another first meeting story. It seems like none of my dates have ended up well lately. Anyway, I met another girl on an OLD site. This time it was different. She initiated contact first. She was very pretty, seemed very normal, interesting, intelligent, etc. She was extremely friendly and extremely talkative. We messaged back and forth even during the day while I was at work. Eventually got her number and started texting away. Second day of contact was even better. Third was better yet. Seemed like we got along so well and she would reply back to my texts so quickly and would write interesting thought out responses. You can tell a lot about someone's interest level by the way they text you, and I could tell she was interested. On one occasion we were joking so much over text that she mentioned that she really enjoyed talking to me, that I made her smile all day like a goof, that she liked me. Etc. You know, sweet talking and everything. I loved it. I love the feeling of mutually being into each other on the same level and not having a skewed level of interest. It was never one sided. Yesterday however I felt as if she withdrew a little bit. There was never a bad reason though. She was very busy and told me so, even apologizing for not being able to talk more (which I never even hinted at, she did so on her own). I was cool about it of course. When she did reply to my messages it was fire as usual. The two of us talking non-stop about anything and everything. Today was a little stranger still. I started with a text in the morning which I noticed that she "read" (you can thank creepy iPhone for that one). She then didn't reply for 2 hours. Her reply mentioned that she had forgotten her phone so I was cool about it. We did talk a bit, but this time it seemed like she withdrew even more. Many of her texts were one word answers. Sometimes she would take a while to reply back. Again, she was busy today so I never made a big deal about it, but in my gut I was feeling this sense of anxiety coming on. She was seeing an old friend tonight and I was seeing one of mine, so I asked her if she would like to chat later tonight. She agreed and that we would talk later. At about close to midnight I still hadn't heard from her at all, so I sent a casual hello message. Again, it said she had read it, but no reply. I think I may be making too much of it and I should just wait until tomorrow to hear from her, especially since it seems there's been some family stuff going on with her lately, but again I just can't help shake this feeling. I guess I've had too many bad dating experiences to know that scenario so well, where someone is so perfect and so into you and then they just slowly fade away. I hate the anxiety it gives me. I have a date with her in 2 days and I'm afraid that I won't even make it to the date. That all of a sudden she will flake out. She has not given any indication of this other than the signs I might be misreading. Would someone please just tell me I'm being crazy so I can stop feeling this thing in the pit of my stomach? Edited July 11, 2015 by IronZ
La.Primavera Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 I think you are sabotaging a good thing. You may not think you are being that demanding but from an outsider’s perspective it sounds like you expect her to be accessible 24/7. It is too much! You are not in a serious relationship yet but already there is an issue if she doesn’t respond quickly enough or if the answers are too short. You are over analyzing the situation. Think about it logically, it is midnight and she sees your text, she knows that if she responds you are going to keep on texting each other and it is already late. She has family stuff going on as well as other things. If it starts to overwhelm her she will back away more. I think you are putting way too much pressure on her and yourself. If there is too much texting there will be nothing left to talk about on your date. Try not to overthink it and just enjoy getting to know her. Just slow down the pace a bit. If you let your anxiety take over it will ruin things between you. Relax, enjoy your date and have fun. 5
joseb Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 I think that level of texting would put most girls off despite the fact that initially they probably are flattered How is she in person? 1
lana-banana Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Having a conversation or two per day prior to the date is fine, but talking all day to the point where she has to make excuses is not. She's a complete stranger, not your best buddy from elementary school. This is way too much contact for someone you haven't even met yet. This level of communication also harms your chances on the date itself. By talking so much you've added pressure to the meeting. You'll feel obligated to recreate the chemistry you thought you had when you were first exchanging texts. If that chemistry doesn't exist---and online interaction is no substitute for what happens between people face-to-face---it's going to hurt that much more. Keep in mind that not everyone communicates the same way. I rarely respond to texts within 5-10 minutes unless it's my boyfriend, and even then I'm often away doing other things. If a first date texted me this often I would be put off by his apparent smartphone addiction. Your best bet is to withdraw and let her initiate at this point. Chat for a little bit once or twice per day, then go about your business. 3
Snakechammah Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 They haven't met yet. He said they have a date in 2 days. Please update us on the date! It seems she is super interested but playing it cool. Did you by any chance offended her by what you said? At which point did she started withdrawing? If you looked into the texts, it might give you a clue. Sometimes, a wrong word or a wrong response (not what she was hoping for) could send a girl re-thinking her interest level. It happens. Women are petty like that. Lol. Good luck on your date!
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 There are no signs. You don't know this person. You can't tell anything through texting only. You need real context which includes body language, eye contact & tone of voice. Until you meet in person any "connection" you have with somebody off OLD is only in your own mind. Why she agreed to talk to a stranger on a Friday night after plans with her friend is beyond me. She was out having a life & you should have been too. It was an unrealistic promise at best. To me it's a red flag that you asked. Even if I had no plans, I would have been mortified to let an OLD prospect or any new guy for that matter know that I didn't have anything better to do on a Friday night in the summer then sit & text time. Second red flag was that she initially agree to this cockamamie plan. Final that she blew you off. You can't take that as much but you now know that she's either unreliable or that she has no concept of time when out with friends or that she has poor time management skills (to me that last one is a function of her agreeing to talk with you in the 1st place) Let it go. Back off the texting BS. You don't need long drawn out interactions while hiding behind your device. Move to a plan to meet IRL. Meet. Then see whether this is real or not
Author IronZ Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 I'm going to try to reply to everyone's post here: I think you are sabotaging a good thing. You may not think you are being that demanding but from an outsider’s perspective it sounds like you expect her to be accessible 24/7. It is too much! You are not in a serious relationship yet but already there is an issue if she doesn’t respond quickly enough or if the answers are too short. You are over analyzing the situation. Think about it logically, it is midnight and she sees your text, she knows that if she responds you are going to keep on texting each other and it is already late. She has family stuff going on as well as other things. If it starts to overwhelm her she will back away more. I think you are putting way too much pressure on her and yourself. If there is too much texting there will be nothing left to talk about on your date. Try not to overthink it and just enjoy getting to know her. Just slow down the pace a bit. If you let your anxiety take over it will ruin things between you. Relax, enjoy your date and have fun. Yes you are right, I do think it is too much and honestly I do know when to back off usually. If she has something going on like she did in the last couple of days I've told her that we can talk later and let her do her own thing. I don't think I was being too demanding at all. What I've noticed is her backing off considerably. And that's ok too but I'm just worried it might mean something bad. Have you actually met her in person yet? We are meeting tomorrow for the first time. I just hope the meeting actually happens. I think we will get along very well if we do meet. I think that level of texting would put most girls off despite the fact that initially they probably are flattered How is she in person? Have not met her in person yet. Tomorrow. Having a conversation or two per day prior to the date is fine, but talking all day to the point where she has to make excuses is not. She's a complete stranger, not your best buddy from elementary school. This is way too much contact for someone you haven't even met yet. This level of communication also harms your chances on the date itself. By talking so much you've added pressure to the meeting. You'll feel obligated to recreate the chemistry you thought you had when you were first exchanging texts. If that chemistry doesn't exist---and online interaction is no substitute for what happens between people face-to-face---it's going to hurt that much more. Keep in mind that not everyone communicates the same way. I rarely respond to texts within 5-10 minutes unless it's my boyfriend, and even then I'm often away doing other things. If a first date texted me this often I would be put off by his apparent smartphone addiction. Your best bet is to withdraw and let her initiate at this point. Chat for a little bit once or twice per day, then go about your business. This is a good idea. I understand that. I was just confused why she backed off so much. I don't think I was ever being overbearing and I gave her plenty of space when she was busy. I guess I should just back off a bit and let her come back to me with an answer. They haven't met yet. He said they have a date in 2 days. Please update us on the date! It seems she is super interested but playing it cool. Did you by any chance offended her by what you said? At which point did she started withdrawing? If you looked into the texts, it might give you a clue. Sometimes, a wrong word or a wrong response (not what she was hoping for) could send a girl re-thinking her interest level. It happens. Women are petty like that. Lol. Good luck on your date! I'm not sure how I could have offended her. What did I say to offend her? I will update you tomorrow when I have the date. Today there is still no sign of her, but I do know there was something going on today so she may just be busy. I will wait for her to get back to me instead of reaching out again. She will have to if she still expects to see me tomorrow. I just hope she doesn't cancel or completely flake out on it. There are no signs. You don't know this person. You can't tell anything through texting only. You need real context which includes body language, eye contact & tone of voice. Until you meet in person any "connection" you have with somebody off OLD is only in your own mind. Why she agreed to talk to a stranger on a Friday night after plans with her friend is beyond me. She was out having a life & you should have been too. It was an unrealistic promise at best. To me it's a red flag that you asked. Even if I had no plans, I would have been mortified to let an OLD prospect or any new guy for that matter know that I didn't have anything better to do on a Friday night in the summer then sit & text time. Second red flag was that she initially agree to this cockamamie plan. Final that she blew you off. You can't take that as much but you now know that she's either unreliable or that she has no concept of time when out with friends or that she has poor time management skills (to me that last one is a function of her agreeing to talk with you in the 1st place) Let it go. Back off the texting BS. You don't need long drawn out interactions while hiding behind your device. Move to a plan to meet IRL. Meet. Then see whether this is real or not That is the plan now. We will hopefully meet tomorrow and I'll see how it goes.
Author IronZ Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 Ok well I have an update for everyone. See this is the thing.. I am a very perceptive person. I notice the small things and I can usually read people very well. There was a reason I was beginning to get anxious because her behaviour was very erratic compared to the beginning. She texted me today saying something about how she's not interested in seeing me anymore. I asked what happened and she said it was nothing I did, she just no longer felt excited to see me. I offered to give her time and space and then meet again at another time but she didn't seem interested in that. A good buddy of mine said hey maybe she had another date or an ex came back into the picture. That could be a possibility, I don't know. Even so, I don't see why she couldn't take one afternoon, 1 or 2 hours tops, to have a friendly meeting with me. What's the worst that would have happened? I had been looking forward to this all week and it's quite unbelievable to me that she couldn't even give me a chance when she seemed so into it just days ago. Yet another flake out for me. You know, if this is an indicator of how she was going to be in a possible relationship, one moment hot, the other cold, then no thank you. I don't want that in my life. I guess it's time to grind it out again and start looking for another date. Very disheartening.
Yummm Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Coming from experiencing this the hard way - know that a candle that burns twice as bright, burns out twice as fast. Remember not to rush things, don't get so excited and so attached especially when you haven't met. Be glad you didn't even meet her, it seems like you were really into her and it could have turned into a whole other level of pain. Chin up, onto the next! 2
Author IronZ Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 Maybe a part of me thought if she had met me she could've maintained the level of interest she had shown in the beginning. This is why I hate how communication works nowadays. Dating is harder because of it. This is why I try to get a girl on a date as soon as possible after meeting because I don't want to prolong that gap between meeting online and meeting in person, because a lot of them do get cold feet for no reason. Onto the next one indeed.
wizer Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Coming from experiencing this the hard way - know that a candle that burns twice as bright, burns out twice as fast. Remember not to rush things, don't get so excited and so attached especially when you haven't met. I think this was it. She's probably thinking "this guy is coming on too strong, too fast, lots of red flags". Even though to some degree she was responsible. Next time play it cool. Not so many texts. Slow but steady. 3
La.Primavera Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Maybe a part of me thought if she had met me she could've maintained the level of interest she had shown in the beginning. This is why I hate how communication works nowadays. Dating is harder because of it. This is why I try to get a girl on a date as soon as possible after meeting because I don't want to prolong that gap between meeting online and meeting in person, because a lot of them do get cold feet for no reason. I am really sorry it didn't work out. It can be difficult finding the right balance of communication with someone you are getting to know. You don't want to appear too overeager or not interested enough. It can be tough but once you have mastered it, it will really help you feel less anxious about the situation. If in doubt, play it safe and take it slowly. Perhaps next time you could call the girl to make a date rather than texting.
joseb Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 (edited) Ok well I have an update for everyone. See this is the thing.. I am a very perceptive person. I notice the small things and I can usually read people very well. There was a reason I was beginning to get anxious because her behaviour was very erratic compared to the beginning. She texted me today saying something about how she's not interested in seeing me anymore. I asked what happened and she said it was nothing I did, she just no longer felt excited to see me. I offered to give her time and space and then meet again at another time but she didn't seem interested in that. A good buddy of mine said hey maybe she had another date or an ex came back into the picture. That could be a possibility, I don't know. Even so, I don't see why she couldn't take one afternoon, 1 or 2 hours tops, to have a friendly meeting with me. What's the worst that would have happened? I had been looking forward to this all week and it's quite unbelievable to me that she couldn't even give me a chance when she seemed so into it just days ago. Yet another flake out for me. You know, if this is an indicator of how she was going to be in a possible relationship, one moment hot, the other cold, then no thank you. I don't want that in my life. I guess it's time to grind it out again and start looking for another date. Very disheartening. OK, it is possible that another guy she's dating became more serious, or an ex came back. But it's also very possible that because there was sooooo much texting that she didn't really have much to look forward to in meeting. Next time, keep texting to a minimum, just enough to establish a little interest, and then organise a meetup - don't drag out the texting. The last girl I met from OLD I messaged 4 or 5 times, and sent two text messages to organise the meeting. That's it. You are not in any kind of relationship until you meet. Don't get too emotionally invested in strangers. Edited July 12, 2015 by joseb 2
d0nnivain Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Remember I said it's not real until you meet? This is why. On "paper" (through your profile & the pre-meeting exchanges) you seemed OK enough to meet. Upon meeting you, she knew immediately that you weren't for her. It happens. It's one of the reasons I didn't like OLD way back when I did it. I will share my short story with you to possibly help me understand. I was only on OLD for 3 months. In there I messaged a few guys (<10). Talked to 5 on the phone & met 3. All 3 were perfectly nice, well educated men with a lot going for them. Had I met them IRL rather than through OLD I never would have accepted a date with them. However only through the computer I could not tell that I would not click with them. I had to meet them in person. So I suspect that they feel about me, the way you feel about this girl. It wasn't any thing they did. They were all perfect gentleman. They had interesting high level things to talk about. They picked appropriate places for our 1st meet. For me there simply wasn't any chemistry. It happens. It's not about things people did right or wrong. Had I been a more savvy consumer of OLD perhaps I could have weeded them out before wasting their time meeting but maybe not. I'm still not great at reading people & assessing compatibility through technology. I need all the cues that come from in person interactions.
Lois_Griffin Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I don't get why your entire contact was all done by text. WTF? Is this how you all interact nowadays, via text on a screen? Talk about socially stunted. Maybe next time, instead of being pen pals, you should actually TALK like human beings and start forming a bond that way. That's how it was done back in the dark ages - in the 90's. People actually had to interact with others and didn't hide behind a cell phone screen.
elaine567 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Upon meeting you, she knew immediately that you weren't for her. It happens. It's one of the reasons I didn't like OLD way back when I did it. She flaked before the meet. I guess she was struggling to find things to say to you via text as she was exhausted by the flurry of texts at the start. I am sure she felt the buzz at first, but after a while I guess, it all became too much pressure for her to keep coming up with exciting things to say to someone who is after all just a stranger with no history in common ->hence the one word replies. In seduction sometimes less is more. Leave her time to make her own little story up about you, some mystery can be a turn on. There was no need fill in ALL the details for her in a few days, and then leave her thinking there is nothing to find out about you, when you do meet. Meeting is the important bit, that is when the presence of the person before you, can send you to heaven or to hell. Texting is just a way of setting the scene, it should not take precedence over real life interaction.
Qboro90 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I have yet another first meeting story. It seems like none of my dates have ended up well lately. Anyway, I met another girl on an OLD site. This time it was different. She initiated contact first. She was very pretty, seemed very normal, interesting, intelligent, etc. She was extremely friendly and extremely talkative. We messaged back and forth even during the day while I was at work. Eventually got her number and started texting away. Second day of contact was even better. Third was better yet. Seemed like we got along so well and she would reply back to my texts so quickly and would write interesting thought out responses. You can tell a lot about someone's interest level by the way they text you, and I could tell she was interested. On one occasion we were joking so much over text that she mentioned that she really enjoyed talking to me, that I made her smile all day like a goof, that she liked me. Etc. You know, sweet talking and everything. I loved it. I love the feeling of mutually being into each other on the same level and not having a skewed level of interest. It was never one sided. Yesterday however I felt as if she withdrew a little bit. There was never a bad reason though. She was very busy and told me so, even apologizing for not being able to talk more (which I never even hinted at, she did so on her own). I was cool about it of course. When she did reply to my messages it was fire as usual. The two of us talking non-stop about anything and everything. Today was a little stranger still. I started with a text in the morning which I noticed that she "read" (you can thank creepy iPhone for that one). She then didn't reply for 2 hours. Her reply mentioned that she had forgotten her phone so I was cool about it. We did talk a bit, but this time it seemed like she withdrew even more. Many of her texts were one word answers. Sometimes she would take a while to reply back. Again, she was busy today so I never made a big deal about it, but in my gut I was feeling this sense of anxiety coming on. She was seeing an old friend tonight and I was seeing one of mine, so I asked her if she would like to chat later tonight. She agreed and that we would talk later. At about close to midnight I still hadn't heard from her at all, so I sent a casual hello message. Again, it said she had read it, but no reply. I think I may be making too much of it and I should just wait until tomorrow to hear from her, especially since it seems there's been some family stuff going on with her lately, but again I just can't help shake this feeling. I guess I've had too many bad dating experiences to know that scenario so well, where someone is so perfect and so into you and then they just slowly fade away. I hate the anxiety it gives me. I have a date with her in 2 days and I'm afraid that I won't even make it to the date. That all of a sudden she will flake out. She has not given any indication of this other than the signs I might be misreading. Would someone please just tell me I'm being crazy so I can stop feeling this thing in the pit of my stomach? Why are you texting her so much and not having at least 1 phone call by now?!? You say texting is a good way to get to know someone and express yourself. Hearing someone's voice is 10000 times better and easier. You can accomplish in one 5-10 minute phone call everything you want to know and understand about the date in 2 days instead of days worth of texting then spying on if she read it or not, why she didn't reply yet, how long it took her to reply, etc. "hey I'm gonna be in a work meeting today do texting might be tough, would it be ok if I called you at some point. I want to run a couple options by you for our date this week". That's all you have to do, simple. If she declined or makes an excuse then she's not interested in going out with you. I think that excessive texting like what you've done with her before ever meeting is bad thing to do. You're already attached and getting insecure about her and have no idea what she's actually like in person. When you meet her you might see that her phone is in her lap the whole time or she may no look at it once. You're acting like a high school couple texting for hours. Make the phone call, be assetive. Definite Do NOT ask her about why she gave you 1 word answers or acted weird the last 30 hours. That'll make you seem like an over needy/obsessive/in secure boyfriend without being her bf or ever meeting
lino Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 She met someone she thinks is better, that's all. Has happened to me a lot, many times even when in the 'seeing each other' stage.
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