GooseChaser Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 (edited) When you go on many first dates, and maybe beyond, on each one it is hard to say if this meeting with them will be your last. How do you balance this with the need to still allow vulnerability for an emotional connection? It's like I'm supposed to care and not care at the same time. I've been on a couple first dates this month (first dates in years actually) and makes me sad keeping my heart (relatively) open to them but then having to say goodbye at the end, maybe for good. No matter how well it seems like it went, there's no guarantees. Well, unless they set up a new date then and there, of course. How do you make this easier for yourself so you can do it over and over? Is it about not getting too attached prematurely? Is there a certain point or points that are like green lights where you start to let down walls for them? I would appreciate any expertise you folks can give. Thank you. Edited July 11, 2015 by GooseChaser
IronZ Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 You raised some good questions there that I would like to know as well. All I can do is sympathize with you. I've been on maybe 15-20 dates this past year, and I'm so sick of the feeling of trudging my way into a meeting and being all hopeful, yet not knowing whether it's even going to go anywhere. I don't know what to tell you.. It feels like dating used to be so much easier back in the day. Now it seems like people just go on dates out of sheer boredom, like they never even expect them to go anywhere. Or maybe they're too stimulated. It's so easy to date multiple people that you get distracted or you think something better is coming along so you lose focus or you stop trying. I'm currently dating 2 women. Well, casually dating one (she hasn't shown much interest to be honest) and going on a date soon with another (who has shown interest). I'm not with either of them officially so it's not like I feel any sense of guilt, but I do find myself playing a balancing act sometimes. It's not good I think to be going on too many dates. A good friend of mine gave me some great advice recently. He said pick the girl you really like that you think it's going somewhere with, and focus on her. Don't divide your attention because you're going to waste your time, energy, money, trying to make it work with too many and you'll never get anywhere. The problem is even if I do that, there's no guarantee the woman isn't doing the opposite. It's a tough world out there for single people. Don't you agree?
Gaeta Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 It's the art of letting go of your control and letting life unfold on its own. Understanding you have no control over if you will like this person or this person will like you. If they don't get back to you you've lost nothing, you had a coffee with another human being and you both go your separate ways. Look forward, never behind. No matter how good that person seemed to you, there is someone else out there better suited for you. I've been on tons of 1st dates, I had a load of micro-relationships of 3-4 dates that didn't materialized. Honestly I don't know how I have been surviving all this. I think my desire to finally meet someone over-weighs the negative that's been happening to me. 2
wizer Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 I've been on a couple first dates this month (first dates in years actually) and makes me sad keeping my heart (relatively) open to them but then having to say goodbye at the end, maybe for good. No matter how well it seems like it went, there's no guarantees. Well, unless they set up a new date then and there, of course. How do you make this easier for yourself so you can do it over and over? Is it about not getting too attached prematurely? Is there a certain point or points that are like green lights where you start to let down walls for them? I would appreciate any expertise you folks can give. Thank you. You're getting way too emotionally connected during what is typically a meet and greet and get to know each other sort of thing. I mean, you just met this person, you might be with them for an hour or two, and here you are talking about opening your heart and getting too attached to a person you may never see again? That's rather obsessive and even stalkerish if you ask me. And yes, you do the first date thing over and over until you find a woman with whom you connect and the feeling is mutual. I've probably been on more than 50 first dates in the last 9 years since my divorce, and only about 1/2 dozen turned into a relationship of 6 months or more. Most first dates don't go anywhere. So keep yourself emotionally detached. If you find yourself feeling hurt and rejected after you've chatted with a girl for an hour then you've really got to figure out why.
Author GooseChaser Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 (edited) So you have a good time, yet don't make hearing from them again the end all and be all of your existence. Sounds good. Is there like a mutual agreement there on the first date(s) that neither person will get particularly invested, so no one gets upset if they don't see signs of it? Or they maybe even prefer if they don't sometimes? This is different than showing interest? Edited July 11, 2015 by GooseChaser
katiegrl Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 You're getting way too emotionally connected during what is typically a meet and greet and get to know each other sort of thing. I mean, you just met this person, you might be with them for an hour or two, and here you are talking about opening your heart and getting too attached to a person you may never see again? That's rather obsessive and even stalkerish if you ask me. ***And yes, you do the first date thing over and over until you find a woman with whom you connect and the feeling is mutual.*** I've probably been on more than 50 first dates in the last 9 years since my divorce, and only about 1/2 dozen turned into a relationship of 6 months or more. Most first dates don't go anywhere. So keep yourself emotionally detached. If you find yourself feeling hurt and rejected after you've chatted with a girl for an hour then you've really got to figure out why. Quote in asterisk above --- my sentiments exactly! What Gaeta said too. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 I'm currently dating 2 women. Well, casually dating one (she hasn't shown much interest to be honest) and going on a date soon with another (who has shown interest). I'm not with either of them officially so it's not like I feel any sense of guilt, but I do find myself playing a balancing act sometimes. It's not good I think to be going on too many dates. A good friend of mine gave me some great advice recently. He said pick the girl you really like that you think it's going somewhere with, and focus on her. Don't divide your attention because you're going to waste your time, energy, money, trying to make it work with too many and you'll never get anywhere. The problem is even if I do that, there's no guarantee the woman isn't doing the opposite. It's a tough world out there for single people. Don't you agree? Honestly, you're overthinking WAY too much. Also, there shouldn't be a "balancing act" mentality this early on in my opinion. Mainly because you don't know either of them well enough to be that invested. You haven't been out that much with the first woman, and haven't even had a first date yet with the other one. I mean I could see if you'd been seeing both for awhile and had a variety of dates with them. Then you feel conflicted and it's harder to split focus. But it's in the very beginning stages with both of them.
smackie9 Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 You emotionally invest, and that turns them off. Trust me they can feel it.
Author GooseChaser Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 Yes, I am working on keeping an appropriate emotional distance on the first date. I'm also learning to hold back in affection on them too because if they're worth it they'll ask to see me again and there will be plenty of opportunity for it. It just makes things a lot more hurtful if I don't and then they drop off the face of the earth. I've only been on three first dates so far with three different guys and I know that's like nothing and the issue is sometimes more them than me but I'm still starting to get discouraged and disappointed in the lack of follow-through. Each one told me that they wanted to see me again and then it just. Doesn't. Happen. When it happens repeatedly it gets harder to brush off. First guy probably just said what he thought I wanted to hear and second guy probably got bored or something. Good riddance. It's too soon to know if the last guy will be the same way but I suspect he might disappear too. I probably need to get good at acting like I believe them when they say that but I don't know if I actually will be able to take those words seriously in the future early on. What makes it easier, for me, is realizing that I'm better off being rid of these guys early on. Of course it'd be nice if things would work out but it's really a good thing and for the best when stuff doesn't when it's not meant to.
Toodaloo Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 You learn to accept that everyone is different and has different opinions and needs, wants, desires etc. If you don't tick their boxes or they don't tick yours thats fine. You can just move on and keep going until you do meet someone that "fits". Rome wasn't built in a day they took time out too so just stop every now and then and take care of yourself. Do things that you enjoy and make you feel better. Get involved with your local community and things like charity work etc. Fill your life with good things.
candie13 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 here's a couple of different things: the first dates are to get to know eachother. So if you focus on trying to understand the other person and get to know them, that is a completely different state of mind from emotionally investing in a man. you invest emotionally when you care. How can you care about someone you've never met before and you don't even know? it sounds like you are craving affection and that is a terrible way to start dating. Understand what sort of affection you crave - is it you dad, is it your friends, are you feeling lonely, is it your ex - because a lot of people use dating to fill in the emotional needs they have, but steaming from very different places. Basically, what i'm saying is: figure yourself out and what you need. understand what's missing from your life - other than a bf. Most likely, those things are driving you to be emotionally vulnerable in the early dating stages. It's almost as if... you're using the new dates as space fillers, as place holders, that how much you feel the need to give your affection to someone. How about... you volunteer to an animal shelter? Walk the dogs of your friends and extra pet them when no one's watching . I mean it. it will help you get rid of those lovey dovey feelings and unclutter your mind, when you meet real human beings . It will allow you to focus on them, to get to know them. The emotions come a bit later, if you like what you see and hear...
Author GooseChaser Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 Okay. I think on my last date I did better with this. I'll try not to care. The idea that I shouldn't display any emotional vulnerability towards dudes that I theoretically could end up loving one day and that guys would be happier not seeing any at that point is sorta odd to me but I'll work on it! Hehe. And yes I'm working on filling my life with other things too. I'm going to see a friend in a couple days and I'm starting up some volunteer things, one or two that I'll be working on long-term. I have a little group I often talk to. I also hope to get a job before too long. I am sorta lonely and I've let my social circle at home slip as friends have been moving away and I've been frequently living out of state as a student. It's true the dates have filled some of my needs for human contact, and I've appreciated that. The guys might be able to sense this, I don't know. I know my motivation for dating needs to be less out of loneliness and more wanting to connect with someone on a healthy level. I'm really not trying to use them; I feel like I am really looking. I'll try to monitor myself and approach things the right way.
candie13 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 ha, that's it. I think focusing on the other areas of your life while not ignoring that you still need to date is key. I bet that when you get a new job, your whole perspective on dating will change. Completely. Focus on that. Everything else will fall into place when you focus your energy in the right direction.
Vintage79 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Okay. I think on my last date I did better with this. I'll try not to care. The idea that I shouldn't display any emotional vulnerability towards dudes that I theoretically could end up loving one day and that guys would be happier not seeing any at that point is sorta odd to me but I'll work on it! Hehe. And yes I'm working on filling my life with other things too. I'm going to see a friend in a couple days and I'm starting up some volunteer things, one or two that I'll be working on long-term. I have a little group I often talk to. I also hope to get a job before too long. I am sorta lonely and I've let my social circle at home slip as friends have been moving away and I've been frequently living out of state as a student. It's true the dates have filled some of my needs for human contact, and I've appreciated that. The guys might be able to sense this, I don't know. I know my motivation for dating needs to be less out of loneliness and more wanting to connect with someone on a healthy level. I'm really not trying to use them; I feel like I am really looking. I'll try to monitor myself and approach things the right way. You're missing the point - it's not that you shouldn't ever be emotionally vulnerable on a first or second date - the problem is that you're effectively describing being emotionally invested in someone that you've only met once- which truthfully, is pretty weird. At that point, you're just trying to get to know them and see if you want to meet them again...you're going way overboard. Intentionally modifying your behavior is probably not the best move...
Author GooseChaser Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 I don't think I'm really being that weird with them. (Mostly.) Maybe I'm using a bad choice of words. I'll try to get it right though.
Lokin4AReason Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 just don't have expectations on the situation and enjoy the time that you have w/ them ( or go w/ the flow ). at and if at the end of time that you w/ them, just ask them if they would like to go out again and from there is a 50 / 50 chance w/ a yes or no
Redhead14 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 When you go on many first dates, and maybe beyond, on each one it is hard to say if this meeting with them will be your last. How do you balance this with the need to still allow vulnerability for an emotional connection? It's like I'm supposed to care and not care at the same time. I've been on a couple first dates this month (first dates in years actually) and makes me sad keeping my heart (relatively) open to them but then having to say goodbye at the end, maybe for good. No matter how well it seems like it went, there's no guarantees. Well, unless they set up a new date then and there, of course. How do you make this easier for yourself so you can do it over and over? Is it about not getting too attached prematurely? Is there a certain point or points that are like green lights where you start to let down walls for them? I would appreciate any expertise you folks can give. Thank you. Yes, in the early stages of any new dating scenario, you need to manage your emotions and expectations for quite a while, actually, if you keep seeing them. The trick is to be yourself, relaxed and enjoy things in the moment without projecting into the future. If it doesn't go beyond a first or second date, so be it. It was two nice people, hopefully just having a nice time. You don't keep walls up, you let things unfold naturally. In the beginning, it's just about two friends enjoying each other's company. Not assuming or projecting anything else. If your feelings are going to grow for that person, they will naturally. When you get a place, where you are having stronger feelings, you advance it to the next level. Be careful not to share on a deep or intimate level too soon. Keep things light and casual. Don't share too deeply about past relationships or childhood issues, etc. for a while. This tends to create a "false" bond. It's ok to mention things on an informational level, just don't delve into emotions surrounding those things.
Author GooseChaser Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 Just to say to make things clearer, my idea of "emotional investment" on a first date is "I like this person and would be excited to see them again." That's a reasonable feeling isn't it? D:
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