boyslie932 Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 So I met this guy through work last June (we'll call him M). He found me on Facebook within days of meeting and contacted me. We started texting and hanging out often. After a couple of months of hanging out, I slept with him. He pulled back a bit after that so I chalked it up to him being a jerk and began seeing another guy I met at a bar (we'll call him C). After a few weeks, M started texting often again as if he had never gone MIA, but I continued dating C. Things fell apart with C after a couple months and I would occasionally respond to messages with M if he texted, but I treated it as a "friend zone" type relationship. I dated two other guys after this, (J and D), but M would always resurface and at times would seem pretty jealous that I was dating other people. I actually told him at one point that after his "disappearing act" after we slept together that I designated him to the friend zone and started calling him Hit and Quit. (Not nice or mature, but whatever). He asked me to hang out a couple times during the fall and winter months, and in the winter I did go hang out with him a couple of times but solely as friends. The point is that M has never really let me go off the grid, and is texting me everyday, saying sweet things (he's a "tough guy"...), and told one of my friends that he always has liked me but that I've always had my eyes on other people. I'm not sure if he's all about the chase or what?! He's a great guy, has his life together and no baggage, but I find myself feeling confused often about him. We've hung out a few times this summer and he's now offering to help me with yard work, we talk all day everyday, and he seems to be breaking a lot of his "tough guy" rules, but I can discern whether or not he likes the thrill of the chase or if he genuinely likes me. I don't want to waste my time. What do you think?
IronZ Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 "I don't want to waste my time." This guy is doing yard work for you and hanging out with you all the time even knowing you don't want anything to do with him. Does a guy need to hold out a sign saying he's into you or something? HE'S INTO YOU! I don't know why he disappeared the first time, but maybe you should get a straight answer out of him about it. If the answer is good, I don't see why you shouldn't give him another chance, especially since it seems like you like him too. If you genuinely don't think it's going anywhere, don't waste his time either and cut him loose.
Author boyslie932 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 "I don't want to waste my time." This guy is doing yard work for you and hanging out with you all the time even knowing you don't want anything to do with him. Does a guy need to hold out a sign saying he's into you or something? HE'S INTO YOU! I don't know why he disappeared the first time, but maybe you should get a straight answer out of him about it. If the answer is good, I don't see why you shouldn't give him another chance, especially since it seems like you like him too. If you genuinely don't think it's going anywhere, don't waste his time either and cut him loose. Thank you for your response, it made me smile! The friend who he told he has always liked me but I always have eyes for others essentially told me I'm an idiot. I've been screwed around numerous times (haven't we all) in relationships though and I'm not the best judge of actions so I just wasn't sure what to think. The yard work thing.... Yeah most guys aren't offering up their free time to do girls' yard work. And he's been around more than a YEAR and hasn't dated anyone else, so that's also positive. I guess I just don't understand the initial MIA crap and sort of hold it against him. He has a great job and works 50-60 hours a week on top of doing side jobs for extra cash but I feel like if he was really into me we'd hang out more than we do. He hasn't been in a serious relationship in years and loves the whole "tough guy" thing so I guess those things interfere with my judgement.
fitnessfan365 Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 It actually seems like you're wasting his time to be honest. Now I get that he backed off a bit after you two had sex. But at the same time, it does seem like you have a short attention span when it comes to dating. After all, there are more than a few letters from the alphabet listed in you post. I mean you were seeing "M" for two months, and refer to it as "hanging out". So if you weren't overly invested yourself, maybe he backed off accordingly. Guys can be a lot more intuitive than women give us credit for. Since he's been pretty consistent and made an effort with you, I'd say to just let the guy off the hook already. Either give it an honest shot, or let the guy go. But doing this friend zone crap with a guy that obviously likes you is lame IMO.
katiegrl Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 (edited) So I met this guy through work last June (we'll call him M). He found me on Facebook within days of meeting and contacted me. We started texting and hanging out often. After a couple of months of hanging out, I slept with him. He pulled back a bit after that so I chalked it up to him being a jerk and began seeing another guy I met at a bar (we'll call him C). After a few weeks, M started texting often again as if he had never gone MIA, but I continued dating C. Things fell apart with C after a couple months and I would occasionally respond to messages with M if he texted, but I treated it as a "friend zone" type relationship. I dated two other guys after this, (J and D), but M would always resurface and at times would seem pretty jealous that I was dating other people. **I actually told him at one point that after his "disappearing act" after we slept together that I designated him to the friend zone and started calling him Hit and Quit*** . (Not nice or mature, but whatever). He asked me to hang out a couple times during the fall and winter months, and in the winter I did go hang out with him a couple of times but solely as friends. The point is that M has never really let me go off the grid, and is texting me everyday, saying sweet things (he's a "tough guy"...), and told one of my friends that he always has liked me but that I've always had my eyes on other people. I'm not sure if he's all about the chase or what?! He's a great guy, has his life together and no baggage, but I find myself feeling confused often about him. We've hung out a few times this summer and he's now offering to help me with yard work, we talk all day everyday, and he seems to be breaking a lot of his "tough guy" rules, but I can discern whether or not he likes the thrill of the chase or if he genuinely likes me. I don't want to waste my time. What do you think? boyslie, re the quote in asterisk above, what was his response after you said that? Have you ever discussed with him why he disappeared after you had sex with him? Has he ever actually asked you out again? Other than just "hanging out"? He does seem intrigued and quite enthralled with you though. But you are smart to be cautious, because he "might" be all about wanting what he can't have. I think you should talk to him, find out why he disappeared on you, and ask him what he wants. It does not have to be this big heavy convo, make it light. I mean, you are friends, right? Edited July 11, 2015 by katiegrl
Author boyslie932 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 It actually seems like you're wasting his time to be honest. Now I get that he backed off a bit after you two had sex. But at the same time, it does seem like you have a short attention span when it comes to dating. After all, there are more than a few letters from the alphabet listed in you post. I mean you were seeing "M" for two months, and refer to it as "hanging out". So if you weren't overly invested yourself, maybe he backed off accordingly. Guys can be a lot more intuitive than women give us credit for. Since he's been pretty consistent and made an effort with you, I'd say to just let the guy off the hook already. Either give it an honest shot, or let the guy go. But doing this friend zone crap with a guy that obviously likes you is lame IMO. I get how you could see it as me wasting his time due to dating other men, but I did like him and when he backed off after having sex I assumed he was a jerk. I definitely didn't expect him to react the way he did (coming back around being consistent). I actually apologized for that later (earlier this year), and he accepted the apology and has continued being pretty consistent. One of my good friends said that he's probably wary of me considering how I blew him off last year but I really do like him.
ZA Dater Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 My reality will probably shape my reply but for what its worth the important things to me are you like him and he now appears to like you. For me that makes it logical to try things again, especially if, as you say, he has been fairly consistent. There doesn't seem to be a downside to trying with him again and if anything there is a potentially good positive upside.
Author boyslie932 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 boyslie, re the quote in asterisk above, what was his response after you said that? Have you ever discussed with him why he disappeared after you had sex with him? Has he ever actually asked you out again? Other than just "hanging out"? He does seem intrigued and quite enthralled with you though. But you are smart to be cautious, because he "might" be all about wanting what he can't have. I think you should talk to him, find out why he disappeared on you, and ask him what he wants. It does not have to be this big heavy convo, make it light. I mean, you are friends, right? He didn't like his "nickname" at all and would get offended if I referred to him that way. I never really have asked for an explanation per se, initially I thought he was just a jerk but after knowing him for over a year now I wonder if he simply got freaked out or felt things were moving too fast or something so he backed off a little. He hasn't been in a relationship in awhile and works a lot, but his consistency to be in touch or keep his interest in me is impressive. I just wish I could figure him out better, he's not as obvious as other guys have been when they've been interested but on the same token actions speak louder than words I guess.
katiegrl Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 He didn't like his "nickname" at all and would get offended if I referred to him that way. I never really have asked for an explanation per se, initially I thought he was just a jerk but after knowing him for over a year now I wonder if he simply got freaked out or felt things were moving too fast or something so he backed off a little. He hasn't been in a relationship in awhile and works a lot, but his consistency to be in touch or keep his interest in me is impressive. I just wish I could figure him out better, he's not as obvious as other guys have been when they've been interested but on the same token actions speak louder than words I guess. Talk to him......as I said, you are friends, right? Why are you so afraid to bring this up? Given his switch from disappearing guy to super attentive guy, you have a right to know what's going on with him especially if you are considering giving your relationship another shot. And the only way you will know what's going on with him is if you talk to him about it, about your concerns. Why he disappeared..... and why he came back full force. That would be smart, don't you think?
Gary S Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Good guys who actually care never disappear. Block this guy and go find another fishy - he's not the catch of the day. 2
IronZ Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Yeah, OP it's time you had a serious chat with him. Enough of the name calling (he clearly doesn't like it). Just ask him what happened. Have a heart to heart with him. If you think it can work again then try. What do you have to lose? If you're not on the same page then spare him the gardening and tell him to move on. 1
katiegrl Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 (edited) **Good guys who actually care never disappear. *** . Yeah, especially after first time sex. That is really low. If he did once, there is every possibility he would do it again. It's part of his character and that does not change. Right now, you are unattainable....a challenge. He feels no pressure, no fear of feeling boxed in by expectations, etc. It is easy for him to pursue you because you don't expect anything from him. If you do "get back" with him, have sex with him again, who knows how he will feel. He may feel exactly how he did the first time he disappeared..... and disappear again! That is why you need to talk to hm! This is your heart we are talking about here! Take care of that heart.....take care of you! Edited July 11, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Mrin Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Gotta talk to him but guys that do the disappearing act after First Sex are idiots if they think they can go back.
Author boyslie932 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 Yeah, especially after first time sex. That is really low. If he did once, there is every possibility he would do it again. It's part of his character and that does not change. Right now, you are unattainable....a challenge. He feels no pressure, no fear of feeling boxed in by expectations, etc. It is easy for him to pursue you because you don't expect anything from him. If you do "get back" with him, have sex with him again, who knows how he will feel. He may feel exactly how he did the first time he disappeared..... and disappear again! That is why you need to talk to hm! This is your heart we are talking about here! Take care of that heart.....take care of you! He never actually disappeared though. The best way I can describe it is that he backed off initially. We'd still talk, but didn't hang out as much as we did prior. I was confused, but at the same time had other people asking me out so I decided that if he was going to back off that I'd go out with others. We hung out shortly after that initial backing off event, but I wouldn't stay long and essentially moved him to the "friend zone" in order to avoid any more confusion. I have talked to him about how bothered I was by his behavior initially, and he has apologized for it many times and claims work simply got busier and he didn't have as much time as he'd previously had. I don't know if that's a lame excuse or legitimate considering we weren't ever together and work should take precedence over other things if you're single with no kids. I am definitely into protecting my heart!! I had sex with him for the first time in over a year a couple weeks ago and he's been steadily consistent still, I guess I'm confused because a lot of guys I've dated/talked to vocalize how much they like me and this guy isn't like that. He tells me he likes me and does sweet things on occasion but his consistency to be around is more evident than his feelings.
smackie9 Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Good guys who actually care never disappear. Block this guy and go find another fishy - he's not the catch of the day. I agree with this.....so what if he texts you again...it doesn't mean he's a great guy....he is still a flaky jerk so there is nothing to confront him about....ditch the guy and move on.
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