lollipopspot Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I know this - if you have proof of that, I'd be getting her to sign something absolving you of your responsibility if you don't stay with her. I don't know how there'd be proof of that. But regardless, a guy who really doesn't want a child should use his own birth control too. You can't sign away a child's rights to support from a parent. And as a taxpayer, I don't want to pay for people's relationship mistakes, naivete, or poor planning. Parents pay for children when possible, period. 4
lino Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 The thing with the parents is a grain of sand compared to the possibility of her deceiving you into getting pregnant. If it is indeed true, that'd be an instant dumping for me and I'd do all I could to make her life miserable. Cheating a man like that and using an innocent life as leverage to serve one's selfish purposes is lower than low! 1
stillafool Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 You cannot demand a termination. You cannot demand that a woman kill the child inside her. How disgusting. Well I may have over reacted with my comment but nothing upsets me more than women who play this game. I've seen too many women do this and it's disgusting.
Krieger Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Well I may have over reacted with my comment but nothing upsets me more than women who play this game. I've seen too many women do this and it's disgusting. Woman that do this I will never fell sorry for if the fall for the hail marry. If you kids don't know what that is go to urban dictionary and type in the word hail marry it the 3rd one down. I do not fell sorry for any man or woman that play stupid games and end up winning stupid prizes .
Popsicle Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Tell her the truth and let her go. Maybe once she learns it, she will decide to abort the baby.
Author AverageDude_01 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Posted July 14, 2015 Well it turned into a fight and now she is at a friends tonight/Morning. She admitted to it just saying she was ready for kids. And i honestly didn't get pissed until she tried to guilt trip me. -___-
stillafool Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Good for you that she left. I'm sorry you were tricked into this. How horrible. Your girlfriend is very selfish. So it doesn't matter to her if you are ready for kids or not it's all about what she wants. Nice. 2
jen1447 Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Taking a guy prisoner like that really is abhorrent, imo. 2
acrosstheuniverse Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Woah. I am so sorry you're going through this. What she's done is abhorrent. How great a Mom do you think she's gonna be if she's willing to trap a guy into being their father without his consent? That is just the lowest of the low. You do not deserve to have fatherhood thrust upon you when you're not ready and willing! Forget about introducing her to parents and just focus on what you wanna do with your relationship. Personally I could never move past being lied to about something so life changing. It's unfair on literally everyone except for your gf. She's shown her true colours and she's deeply selfish. Question now is, do you tnink you can forgive this and still be able to look her in the eye and tell her you love her? Or do you want to split and be effective co parents from the day the child is born? Nobody is telling you you have to stay with this woman. 2
Author AverageDude_01 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 i know no one is suggesting to stay. But I do love her. Just rather angry she tried guilt tripping me.
Timshel Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Dude, I'm going to say something that will piss people off but these are my thoughts. So your family is racist. Black gf tricks you into a pregnancy. They have never met her and you are not engaged or married. How quickly this situation has escalated. I'm pissed with her for making a stereotype of herself. What a dumb, stupid thing to do. That's what your racist family needs to see....another unmarried black woman getting herself knocked up. F*ng brilliant. If you love her and will stay with her then elope right now. Marry her and make a life with her and your child. Get a vasectomy. They are reversible and not even 100% foolproof. You picked her dude. Now there is a child on the way and you have to make a decision about what kind of father you are going to be; if you are doing this gallantly or from a distance. If you can't trust this woman (I wouldn't) then make a plan to be financially and emotionally supportive to the beautiful and innocent child both of you have created. As far as your family goes, well, she just did exactly what they expected her to do. 3
DaisyBug Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 i know no one is suggesting to stay. But I do love her. Just rather angry she tried guilt tripping me. Well, this is not exactly the best way to start off a lifetime commitment. If you want to stay with her, you should be All In, or let her find some other man to raise the child. Of course, you should always be in that child's life, but the child will need some consistency. It would be worse to "give it a try" for a couple years, then split. Either way, good luck to you. 1
autumnnight Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I know anecdotal stories are just...anecdotal, but I do know of people who did NOT marry before the baby was born. In fact, one couple broke up pretty angrily over the whole thing. They weighed things, talked, kept it open, until they KNEW exactly what they wanted and what they could happily live with. There is no law that says you have to marry her right this instant just because she got pregnant. It isn't the 60's anymore. Give yourself time to figure things out.
DKT3 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Taking a guy prisoner like that really is abhorrent, imo. I'm sorry, but anytime a man sticks his dick in a woman HE is responsible for the outcome. I hate when a guy claims he was trapped or tricked. Don't want a kid? Put on a f'ing condom. 3
jen1447 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I'm sorry, but anytime a man sticks his dick in a woman HE is responsible for the outcome. I hate when a guy claims he was trapped or tricked. Don't want a kid? Put on a f'ing condom. He believed he was practicing safe sex because she told him she was on BC. Partnered sex with someone claiming to be on BC is sufficient as a precaution - if it wasn't, sex between ppl not wanting to conceive would always involve condoms, and we know that's not the case. Plenty of couples rely solely on women's hormonal et al BC measures, and with great success. OP and his partner weren't a hookup or ONS, they've been a couple for a year and a half. Couples make joint decisions on BC. Theirs was obviously that she'd be on BC ....but she wasn't. That's plain and obvious deceit on her part, and assuming he trusted her like any year-and-a-half couple would trust each other, he had no reason to doubt her or take extra precautions. The damage here came specifically from her deceiving him. He has to own it too by the simple fact he had sex with her (which is a well-established precedent of law, not just a moral code), but to say he wasn't taking the necessary precautions by relying on her BC is just plain mistaken. The deceit is obvious, and the fault all the more obvious by who owns the deceit. 1
Tribble Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I'm sorry, but anytime a man sticks his dick in a woman HE is responsible for the outcome. I hate when a guy claims he was trapped or tricked. Don't want a kid? Put on a f'ing condom. While this is true (he is responsible for the outcome of his actions - a kid), he's not claiming he was trapped or tricked, he WAS trapped and tricked. This is not a failure in BC or his gf being less than vigilant by accident, she actively decided she wanted a kid and to stop taking the pill. Without telling him. If she'd made this decision, come off the pill, told him and he still wasn't wearing a condom, sure, I'd agree with you. But they'd discussed it, he trusted her and that trust was misplaced. She made a decision about their future without consulting him. I can't imagine doing this to anyone. My bf trusts me and trusts I'm on the pill and will keep taking it until WE decide otherwise. Without that trust, I doubt we'd be together.
acrosstheuniverse Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Dude, I'm going to say something that will piss people off but these are my thoughts. So your family is racist. Black gf tricks you into a pregnancy. They have never met her and you are not engaged or married. How quickly this situation has escalated. I'm pissed with her for making a stereotype of herself. What a dumb, stupid thing to do. That's what your racist family needs to see....another unmarried black woman getting herself knocked up. F*ng brilliant. If you love her and will stay with her then elope right now. Marry her and make a life with her and your child. Get a vasectomy. They are reversible and not even 100% foolproof. You picked her dude. Now there is a child on the way and you have to make a decision about what kind of father you are going to be; if you are doing this gallantly or from a distance. If you can't trust this woman (I wouldn't) then make a plan to be financially and emotionally supportive to the beautiful and innocent child both of you have created. As far as your family goes, well, she just did exactly what they expected her to do. Yeah, because unmarried white women never get knocked up. Married people never get knocked up accidentally. How about being pissed this girl is clearly dishonest rather than using to make a nasty point tarring other people of her ethnicity with the same brush? You act as though what she's done is somehow worse because racists are witnessing it. Give me a break. When you say she did 'exactly what your [racist] family expected her to do' you're coming very dangerously close to implying that their racism about black women is justified because SHE turned out to be a lying piece of trash. And you think the guy should marry her and run away to raise the kid with her, but get his tubes tied so he can never have kids with any partners who actually respect him in the future? Finally 'you picked her dude' um, hell no. He picked someone he thought was a decent partner and who he was misled by to thinking she was on contraception. Or do you mean he somehow should have seen this coming because he dated a black girl? The racism in your post isn't even thinly veiled. I can't believe that everyone who's seen this post so far somehow thinks it's fine. 1
lollipopspot Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 He believed he was practicing safe sex because she told him she was on BC. Partnered sex with someone claiming to be on BC is sufficient as a precaution - if it wasn't, sex between ppl not wanting to conceive would always involve condoms, and we know that's not the case. Women who are not intending to get pregnant unintentionally screw up their birth control all the time. Miss a day, take it with a medication that deactivates it, etc. Or sometimes it just doesn't work, despite taking it correctly. I think a man who really doesn't want to be a father should always use a condom or get a vasectomy, or know his gf's cycles very well. I think birth control is too big of a thing to entrust to someone else.
introverted1 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 There's a big difference between an unplanned pregnancy that occurs as a result of a mistake and one that occurs as a result of deceit. Yea, guys having ONS should use condoms regardless what the woman says she is doing for BC, but the idea that, in a supposedly loving, committed, relationship he should use back-up BC because she can't be trusted is pretty crazy imo. I can't imagine lying about my BC nor trapping anyone into fatherhood. 2
lollipopspot Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 but the idea that, in a supposedly loving, committed, relationship he should use back-up BC because she can't be trusted is pretty crazy imo. Not just "can't be trusted," but mistakes happen, and sometimes it doesn't work. Some people also have terrible "pickers" in terms of finding a partner, and chronically end up with abusers, cheats, etc. For all I know, this woman is someone whom few people trust, and this guy bypassed a million red flags to get to this point. We can't know, from what was written. I may choose to trust my own subjective assessment of whom to trust, but I see people trust other people all the time who by my assessment are obviously untrustworthy. (Also, feel free to correct who/whom grammar).
introverted1 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 OP seems less upset that his gf is pregnant than that she tricked him. Which is understandable. Yes, if a couple or person absolutely does not want to have a child under any circumstances, using back-up BC makes sense. But if a woman says she is using BCP and did not make a mistake but DELIBERATELY LIED, that is a whole other ball of wax. It's the difference between a man saying he's had a vasectomy when he hasn't, and having actually having had one that failed (rare but can happen). I would have vastly different feelings about that man in those two situations.
Timshel Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Yeah, because unmarried white women never get knocked up. Married people never get knocked up accidentally. How about being pissed this girl is clearly dishonest rather than using to make a nasty point tarring other people of her ethnicity with the same brush? You act as though what she's done is somehow worse because racists are witnessing it. Give me a break. When you say she did 'exactly what your [racist] family expected her to do' you're coming very dangerously close to implying that their racism about black women is justified because SHE turned out to be a lying piece of trash. And you think the guy should marry her and run away to raise the kid with her, but get his tubes tied so he can never have kids with any partners who actually respect him in the future? Finally 'you picked her dude' um, hell no. He picked someone he thought was a decent partner and who he was misled by to thinking she was on contraception. Or do you mean he somehow should have seen this coming because he dated a black girl? The racism in your post isn't even thinly veiled. I can't believe that everyone who's seen this post so far somehow thinks it's fine. I understand and agree with your post. I am as far from racist a person can be. That said, she did no favors to the stereotypes, made things exceptionally worse for the father of her child and finally, her child as far as building bridges toward a harmonious future. If compassion, humility and honesty will undo racism, this is an epic fail. All of this will work out and probably a few years from now everyone will be in a better place. I have tan skin and my ex husband and husband were Irish and Scottish, respectively. I agree with you but from personal experience, I can't take back a single word.
Author AverageDude_01 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 Dude, I'm going to say something that will piss people off but these are my thoughts. So your family is racist. Black gf tricks you into a pregnancy. They have never met her and you are not engaged or married. How quickly this situation has escalated. I'm pissed with her for making a stereotype of herself. What a dumb, stupid thing to do. That's what your racist family needs to see....another unmarried black woman getting herself knocked up. F*ng brilliant. If you love her and will stay with her then elope right now. Marry her and make a life with her and your child. Get a vasectomy. They are reversible and not even 100% foolproof. You picked her dude. Now there is a child on the way and you have to make a decision about what kind of father you are going to be; if you are doing this gallantly or from a distance. If you can't trust this woman (I wouldn't) then make a plan to be financially and emotionally supportive to the beautiful and innocent child both of you have created. As far as your family goes, well, she just did exactly what they expected her to do. So because she is black are you implying they somehow thought she would lie to get pregnant? Because that is one of the most ludicrous things i have heard in all of my life bar none. 1
Timshel Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 So because she is black are you implying they somehow thought she would lie to get pregnant? Because that is one of the most ludicrous things i have heard in all of my life bar none. Dude, statistical data is significant regarding single parent households among african american families in the US. The census bureau has between 67-72% of african americans in single parent homes. I tried to link the data but my security settings are too high. It is readily available with multiple statistical sources. Beyond that, it is no secret. Am I saying that your family would assume she would lie because she is black? No, but the fact of the matter is that she did lie. I am well aware that women of every ethnicity have been guilty of doing so. Statistically speaking, her actions have played into an established stereotype. If I was racist, which I am not, that little nugget wouldn't escape my attention. However, of course I have no idea how your family will think or react. I hope that they are welcoming and accepting of your relationship, girlfriend and child. I wish you well. Race should not be an issue in this situation but it is and you are going to have to deal with it whether it is fair or not. Good luck.
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