cheechee Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 My ex boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me 1 week ago. I didn't see it coming at all. I know I'm not alone on LS here. But I could really use some insight...because I am in pain regretting what I did every waking moment.. A bit background about us. I'm 26 and he is 27. He was born in an upper-middle class Southern family, typical suburban kid. Grew up comfortably until his dad was forced to retire early. His parents are in their 60s now trying to sell their house because they cannot pay it off. My dad is a pretty successful entrepreneur. Even though I grew up poor (in a big city), our family is fairly well-off now compare to his. We met OKC and hit it right off on our first date. We were both very attracted to each other and never run out of things to talk about. We are both kinda crazy, funny and weird and we were so excited to find someone like that. He's handsome, sweet and smart. He always say I was the best girlfriend he's ever had. A friend of his said he has hit the jackpot because I complement his craziness. When we met I was doing my Master's and he was doing a phd. It was an extremely stressful time for him because he realized it was not something he wanted to do and his adviser was very abusive. He has very short temper and he doesn't handle stress very well. He would get mad over trivial things especially when a deadline is approaching and then I would get upset about his short temper. I had doubts about this but he told me he really liked me and did not want to lose me over this. I could see he was improving over the years. I really appreciate this effort and thought we were becoming better person for each other... His problem with me, something I have been blaming myself for over and over again, is that I could be really hurtful when we were fighting. I would want to destroy the both of us. For example, one time he was really upset crying and I said:" why are YOU crying? I don't believe you're really upset..." When I was saying this, my heart hurt so much but I just gotta say it because I guess that's how I deal with conflict...Growing up whenever we had a family fight, my dad would always say this family was broken and there was no way to fix it...I guess I picked it up from him. I know this is a horrible thing to do and it upsets him a lot, and I tried to control myself and become better...because I love him and I know I want to be with him...I feel like I don't really do it as much in the past year...I'm not sure...maybe it's too late... This doesn't mean I don't respect him because I do...I supported his every decision in his past 2.5 miserable school years. I believe in him no matter what he does because I trust he can excel if he truly wants something. I would stay up all night to bake his family Christmas cookies and I was thinking to offer buy off the house for his parents so they don't have to move... Being an entrepreneur's daughter, I always wanted to be one myself because I would like to achieve financial freedom so I can do what I want eventually, him on the other hand, doesn't really care for the money. He wants to be able to do what he's truly passionate about. At the end of the day, I think our goal to pursue freedom and happiness is the same. Even though the past 2.5 years has been very stressful, we managed to have the best time together. He constantly assure me that once he get out of school and has a regular work schedule, we will be able to do a lot more. At the beginning of this year, both of us found jobs, which is a great relief for bother of us. His job gives him the option to not finish he phd, and me being an immigrant a job will allow me to stay in this country with him. I truly feel like we were doing especially well this year. A month ago, before he left for his job in Vegas, he hinted he wants to get married in a year... Something went wrong with my visa status right after he left. I was about to renew it and my company was not cooperating at first. I freaked out and thought I had to leave the country. I had friends that had the same situation happen before and their relationship did not last in different countries. I was crying at him saying I did not want to leave. He comforted me and said it was the most freaked out he has ever seen me. I had the situation resolved afterwards. A week ago right before he came to visit for 4th of July he broke up with me...at first he just said he has "a feeling" that we would not work out...he was crying and said he might be making a mistake but he just did not feel right. I asked him why so sudden he said his emotion has been yoyoing for the past year, which I thought we were doing better everyday. He also brought up the fight, saying we had different values, saying he cannot support my entrepreneur dream and even said i was freaking out about my immigrant status because I wanted to stay in the country, not with him...I was devastated that he would even think that... I can't stop thinking it was my fault for being so hurtful in the past fights...I have been going over and over again and thinking how I could've done differently. Just 2 weeks ago he was telling his parents he loved me the first time...is it because of Vegas? It's the first time he lived in a big city and maybe that changed him? Sorry for the long post and any advice is greatly appreciated...
La.Primavera Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 I don’t want to upset you more but you sound like you want the truth so I will give you my honest opinion of the situation. You said he told you he had been having doubts for about your relationship for about a year but I don’t think he was serious about it until recently. I think two things motivated him to break up with you at this particular time. Firstly, I agree that working in another city is a factor and secondly was the issue with your visa. He hinted about marriage before he left which suggests that he may have thought it would be harder to be separated from you, so he was thinking making it more official long term. However, since he began working in Vegas he has adapted to the separation easier than he expected and it has given him a sense of what it would be like to be alone/single which made him question whether he really wanted to be in this relationship anymore. The second issue was your visa. Typically the possibility of losing your partner will either draw people closer together or make them realise they aren’t that invested in the relationship and pull away. Given the timing of your breakup I think that this was a factor in his decision. The prospect of you having to leave was not as hard on him as it was on you. Again, I think this made him question whether he really wanted to be in a relationship with you long term. It sounds like this was his cut off point. After 2.5 years together, he was either going to make a full on commitment to you or end the relationship. It sounds like he considered things carefully and decided you did not have compatible values or goals in the long term. It must be really hard for you right now but I don’t think you should blame yourself for what you did or didn’t do. You can’t change the past. If his love was strong enough he would have wanted to work it out, you can be sure of that. As much as it hurts now, it is better to know he doesn’t see it working out long term rather than stringing it out another year. You deserve a man that wants to commit to you 100%. Take care. 4
pillowpuffs Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 I agree with La.Primavera.. You shouldn't blame yourself now. I struggle with that and sometimes I do it too (also just went through a breakup, my bf of 6 years dumped me for another girl). But it is in the past and it can't be controlled now. There are a lot of reasons why people choose it to end it with their significant other. In your case, It could have been the new city, it could have been GIGS, it could have been that he just didn't feel it anymore (which I know is hard to hear) but the fact of the matter is when someone wants to make it work, they'll be there fighting for you or trying with you. I fully believe in that. I hope you feel better soon and I'm sorry you have to go through this. Try your best not to blame yourself and question it. It's gonna be hard because when my mind is idle, I'm back to square 1 asking myself 'why?' And 'how?' But shutting that off is the only thing we can do to keep sane. Take care.
Author cheechee Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 I don’t want to upset you more but you sound like you want the truth so I will give you my honest opinion of the situation. You said he told you he had been having doubts for about your relationship for about a year but I don’t think he was serious about it until recently. I think two things motivated him to break up with you at this particular time. Firstly, I agree that working in another city is a factor and secondly was the issue with your visa. He hinted about marriage before he left which suggests that he may have thought it would be harder to be separated from you, so he was thinking making it more official long term. However, since he began working in Vegas he has adapted to the separation easier than he expected and it has given him a sense of what it would be like to be alone/single which made him question whether he really wanted to be in this relationship anymore. The second issue was your visa. Typically the possibility of losing your partner will either draw people closer together or make them realise they aren’t that invested in the relationship and pull away. Given the timing of your breakup I think that this was a factor in his decision. The prospect of you having to leave was not as hard on him as it was on you. Again, I think this made him question whether he really wanted to be in a relationship with you long term. It sounds like this was his cut off point. After 2.5 years together, he was either going to make a full on commitment to you or end the relationship. It sounds like he considered things carefully and decided you did not have compatible values or goals in the long term. It must be really hard for you right now but I don’t think you should blame yourself for what you did or didn’t do. You can’t change the past. If his love was strong enough he would have wanted to work it out, you can be sure of that. As much as it hurts now, it is better to know he doesn’t see it working out long term rather than stringing it out another year. You deserve a man that wants to commit to you 100%. Take care. Thank you so much. Everything you said is spot on and really helped me find closure myself. I guess I'm just trying to find out why he would feel like we won't be compatible in the long run. I mean no one is exactly like the other. We all need to compromise in a relationship...I feel like we had been working on it and nothing major value difference is between us. You are right. I think his love is not strong enough to do this with me. But he used to say constantly I'm the best girlfriend he ever had in every way...if he was not lying (I don't think he was...) then I don't even know what I could've done differently if being "the best girlfriend ever" is not enough. I'm so confused...
aisuru Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Thank you so much. Everything you said is spot on and really helped me find closure myself. I guess I'm just trying to find out why he would feel like we won't be compatible in the long run. I mean no one is exactly like the other. We all need to compromise in a relationship...I feel like we had been working on it and nothing major value difference is between us. You are right. I think his love is not strong enough to do this with me. But he used to say constantly I'm the best girlfriend he ever had in every way...if he was not lying (I don't think he was...) then I don't even know what I could've done differently if being "the best girlfriend ever" is not enough. I'm so confused... My ex broke up with several weeks ago saying that though things were great, something just felt off. He was worried this would be a mistake in the long run, but felt strongly that right now things just wouldn't work. When I was speaking with a friend about the breakup last week, she said something that really made me pause and think. Sometimes, a person just can't see themselves with the other person for the rest of their life. They may not even know why. Sure, they could go on to enjoy another couple years together because they are both good people and have a decent relationship, but still not imagine the marriage journey. That really helped me. Relationships don't have to be awful to come to an end. The end of a relationship doesn't mean that person didn't care or just stopped caring. It means they realized they needed to part ways so both can find the best. I know this is a hurtful time for you, but you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and will be okay.
mightycpa Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I'm with La Primavera. Too bad too, because an entrepreneurial minded spirit combined with a person pursuing their passion can be a powerful earning combination. In that respect, I think you could have been good together. But that respect is not enough for a lasting relationship. It might be a good business partnership, were it not for the emotions.
La.Primavera Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 he used to say constantly I'm the best girlfriend he ever had in every way...if he was not lying (I don't think he was...) then I don't even know what I could've done differently if being "the best girlfriend ever" is not enough. He knew how lucky he was to have such an great girlfriend but something was holding him back from making that ultimate commitment. Something didn't feel right and it became more obvious when he was alone and had time to reflect on things. The different values and goals are really just excuses to explain something that is a more of a feeling than anything else. You are right, there is nothing more you could have done. You were a great girlfriend. Sadly, he just wasn't the one.
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