MadMisha Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 My girlfriend and i are really far down the "soulmate" road.....we fit each other so so well and have been very happy together since we were 17...that's 4 and a half years ago....we are now both 21. we were mostly in long distance....entirely,actually.....we both are not from wealthy lives which means we met only ones an year for about 10-14 days..... we were each others first and to date only everything.....kiss,holding hands,sex etc......lately,we both got into college....and work....and for the past few months we had way less time for each other then usually,but still,enough to love and give each other a reason to wake up with a smile and go to bed with a smile.....we had so many dreams...so many memories....and i really believed her when she promised she "is not like the other girls"....that she knows what she wants and is not going to just leave....every fight we had we always go over within a day at most,being happier about what we had then before.... well,about 2 weeks ago things went down the road...we barely got to text each other,mainly because in the evenings when we usually did she started hanging out with a bunch of college freinds she gathered....and me,well,i guess i worried a bit too much,in a way that may have even made her feel a bit guilty..... 5 days ago she broke up with me. she doesnt have anyone else......she cant even give a reason....she just brings up things like "i feel like the spark is gone"..."i think your happiness may not be with me"...."i just dont think i can be in a relationship".... thing is,we were supposed to fly to a DREAMY adventure together through Austria and Germany in just 3 weeks....mountains...castles...forests...all that good stuff....ive worked my ass off for it....paid for everything....and boom,she just gets that thing....and leaves me with a knife through the heart,back and wallet....without any reasonable explanation.... so,unlike whats being said in most GIGS cases,i couldnt leave her alone,i needed to know whether to try and atleast save some of all i put onto that trip or not......i tried giving her every reasonable argument i could to calm down....every romantic cliche i could find....all the way down to begging and tears.....after all,it hurt to the point it was suffocating me.... her answers are always the same......pretty cold....at times it seems like she warms up a bit,as if out of habbit....but whenever i try to push things a bit forward,like bring up the idea of her coming to the trip after all.....of hugging her.....she just turns cold again...."i cant...i just cant...im doing the right thing...." how the bloody hell is shattering the heart of the person who you were happy with for so long,and shoving all his work hours of the past 2-3 months down the ****hole, is right? god knows..... this thing is killing me...ive got until sunday to try convince her to just trust me,even if the GIGS is still dancing in her head....but things are looking grim.....VERY grim.... assuming a peice of poetry,a list of reasons she and i made ones why we are perfect together and another attempt at reason and emotion are going to fail.....i guess ill do my best the scavange as much trip money as i can....and cut all contact.....try to move on....tho its gonna feel ****ty in itself,i hate having to go back on promising not to give up on her or leave her either.....i really,really really dont want to....but she's barely reachable at the moment.....even tho some mixed signals are sent.... ugh.....thank you for reading my mess....if anyone has any peice of advice....i guess ill be glad to read it......its just....its gonna be such a nightmare moving on....im probably going to search for the things that made my gf so unique in every person ill look into....which isnt going to make things easier,and thats just the start....
La.Primavera Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 I’m so sorry you are hurting like this. It sounds like you love her very much. Unfortunately you can’t change her mind once she has decided she wants to move on. Relationships are challenging enough but when you only get to see each other once a year it is almost impossible to sustain long term because you need more physical interaction with each other. The fact you made it over four years was impressive but now that you are out there working and at college your lives have become busier and it has become so much harder to devote the same amount of time and energy to the relationship. Her timing was terrible but she obviously decided she did not want to go on the trip and couldn’t handle the situation anymore. She wants to be free to hang out with her friends and she wants you to not miss out on meeting new people and experiences. As painful as it is to contemplate, I think you should still go on this trip but take a good friend instead. Take care.
Ronni_W Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 (edited) Hi, MadMisha. This is not a case of "GIGS". She is just maturing, growing; she wants to expand her horizons and experiences. This is normal human development. She recognizes that building the rest of her life on something that was good when she was 17 (through 21), is just not an option or a real way to build a life. Life is meant to help us grow; not for us to try to force it to stay the same -- which we can't do, anyway. Sometimes the expansion of self, the growing steps, can feel scary and like growing pains. We need to learn to deal with our fears about change and our reluctance to grow, within ourselves. Not try to also force other people to stay stuck where we are and want to stay, nor to judge them because they are willing to do life the way we are (ALL!) intended to do it. We are meant to transcend the past - and the present - not stay fixated on it, or grasping for it, or clinging-for-dear-life to it. If you decide to compare all future potential and actual partners to this one, then you will just make yourself miserable -- and the women, too. But you do have the free-will right to choose that. Not that it's not a great challenge, but this is your own opportunity to come to terms with some of the "facts of life" or "laws of life" or whatever you want to call them. Your ex is on the right path, actually. Wishing you much light on your own path. Edited July 11, 2015 by Ronni_W 1
Author MadMisha Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 Thank you both for what you said......but thats the thing......we survived 4 and a half years with pure trust in each other to be faithful....where do you find people like that...and we were growing together.....understanding our paths better,but also making room for each other......the only place we ever limited each other was in,well,not sleeping around? and now its not like she has someone else over there.....its like she doesnt know what she even wants....she cant explain a thing....and yet she barely shed a tear for us... and things were going so well....starting after summer we were supposed to meet for a week or more every 1-2 months,we both had jobs,and espcailly mine is well paying enough to afford it......we were talking of how we could move in together...every time we video called we could just stare at each other for hours smiling like a couple of idiots.....it all just doesnt make sense.... i know ill never forgive myself if i dont try any last thing i can to change her mind......but she just cant be reasoned with....its always the same answers...no explanation....nothing....one day we were still talking about being the most amazing couple in the world and the next its like every feeling,every dream,every memory she had of us just vanished for her..... i used to think people were exaggerating when they said they lived a nightmare....man....was my life good......how many nightmares did i have of losing her in a sudden flash like this for no reason....and its so ****ing unbearable not waking up from this with her already.....*sigh* sorry....we were hardcore rejected outcasts....as far as shy,depressed emo teens go....i just cant believe she took that turn....i cant understand why she took that turn when everything was so well made....space? sure...a break?alright...problems? we'll fix them...flame is gone? lets meet up and see if it really us....give us our chance,and if we really see its not working then we'll part as freinds......but no.....none of the above....all i get is just senseless,cold,as far from fair as possible reactions even thought she swears she is doing the right thing for us.....sigh....
Ronni_W Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 (edited) MadMisha, You are not actually owed any explanation. Where is your contract with Life, that you will be treated fairly, or kindly, or justly, or whatever you think you are owed, or that you think is "reasonable" or "normal" or "logical" or "sensible" or whatever? Why do you think that you are owed what you think you are owed? She gets to choose what SHE wants, when she wants, for any reason or for no reason or for some reason. Your ex is doing the right thing FOR HER. Certainly you can try to dominate and impose your own will, and "try any last thing i can to change her mind" -- you do have the free-will right to do that; and she has the free-will right to respond/react to your desires/attempts to control her, however she decides. You get to choose to live in the past. She gets to choose to make space-and-time for the future. She does NOT owe it to you, to keep herself stuck in your version of the past with you. It does make sense -- to her, even if not to you. It WAS "well-made" FOR THE PAST...but for her it is no longer "well-made". For you it may still be "well-made"...but for her that isn't the fact anymore. She isn't being senseless...and you are the one who is being cold. (Refusing to acknowledge and accept HER feelings, HER needs, HER desires for her own life and life experiences.) Edited July 11, 2015 by Ronni_W
La.Primavera Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Hang in there. I know you are experiencing a painful loss right now but you will get through it. It happens to all of us as some point in our lives. One minute you are happy and committed to someone you love, the next they are gone and you are left picking up the pieces trying to figure out where it went wrong. Sometimes you get answers, other times you are left in the dark. Her feelings have changed. You may not have noticed a change but you can be certain it is something she has thought about a great deal. It is the risk everyone takes in love. There is always the possibility that one person or the other will have a change of heart, especially during your twenties when you are still figuring out who you are. I'm really sorry you are hurting.
Vezyn Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Sorry to hear you are going through this, it's sounds truly awful (I've been in a similar situation when my LDR ended on the trip, then she was back in love on the same trip, another trip and it was over again). Unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do, as she most likely checked out of the relationship a long time before she broke the news to you. The reasons (even if they are true) she is giving will never make sense to you as you don't want to let her go. As for you giving up and your promise to her, well she broke all her promises so why should you keep yours. Her timing was incredibly bad but all you can do assuming she doesn't change her mind and agree to the trip in the next few days, is to stop contact with her. Also remove her from facebook and social media sites just on the off chance you see something there you wouldn't like in the next few months. You will find someone else eventually, but don't rush into it. Take your time to grieve the loss. Don't have any regrets, it really sounds like you worked your ass off for her, if she won't appreciate that then someone else will.
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