My Father in law thinks my Dad should solve our money problems

[Grumpybutfun]

im trying to get help at the moment from the govt. also my wife earns an ok wage ( a bit above average wage) but because she supports me im left feeling like im a leech and she is giving me money and that her family are all looking at me and thinking why didnt she get someone better for a husband?

 

Your problem is your wife needs to keep her family out of your affairs if they are only going to be snarky. Marriage is like this sometimes, one carries the weight financially while the other heals or waits for disability. You aren't a burden, but her primary family now.

 

I am a hard ass responsibility focused father, but if my son were ill and had not received his disability yet, it would be my honor and privilege to help out his little family. Don't let your Asswipe FIL keep you from getting help from the people who love you.

Fathers like to feel needed,

Grumps

[loveflower]

Your problem is your wife needs to keep her family out of your affairs if they are only going to be snarky.

Grumps

 

That's their daughter...

[Grumpybutfun]

That's their daughter...

 

Exactly, which makes it sad that was her father's response and attitude.

G

[Gloria25]

Why should his daughter shoulder all the financial problems?

 

Because that vow of 'In sickness and in health'...

[nittygritty]

Yeah thats another problem, i have sleep apnea which i expect most people think - oh ok youre a bit tired, get over it- but to me its exhaustion. i hoped the cpap machine would fix it immediately but its taking longer, my doc says some people never recover from that but i think i will once all the treatment is right. so i guess her family just think i am lazy.

 

frivolous spending, i think you have a point, its always possible to cut back, i should just eat the bare minimum, stop smoking etc but i find it hard to do that.

 

income and expense i am not sure as my wife deals with most of that and if i ask too many questions without having first given up smoking or stopped eating any junk food then it ends up in a massive argument

 

Your wife obviously resents the situation and is likely stressed and worried. Enough to talk to her parents about it. How long have you been too ill to work? Do you have kids?

 

Even though her Dad made a snarky remark rather than offering any of his money to help, he probably is worried about the situation too.

 

If quitting smoking and not eating junk food will improve your sleep apnea and your health so that you can work, then you need to do that for your family. You also need to know what the "income and expenses" are. That isn't being fair to your wife to have to shoulder that burden all by herself. If you and your wife cannot communicate with each other and solve your financial problems together, it can destroy your marriage.

[Chris516]

so far, Im not getting that opportunity, hes only made that suggestion to my wife, not to me, actually stronger than just a suggestion i think since it wasnt - maybe you could try...

but it was - you better...

I got that sort of feeling. From my (ex)wife's father, back when we were still married and hadn't physically separated prior to the divorce. Her father touted himself as some financial genius. All the while denying that his daughter had problems. So he blamed our financial problems solely on me. When she was screaming at me about not involving her in the finances. Then when I did. She said it was a 'heavy subject', and didn't want to be involved.

[d0nnivain]

You need to talk to your wife. She needs to learn to keep your finances private from her parents.

 

Second you & she need a household budget. What is coming in? What are you spending on? Where can you cut? Even if you can't work, how can you contribute? Can you cook? Can you sell stuff on e-bay? Why can't you work from home? I get it you have sleep apnea but that is not the same as having lost limbs or having cancer. If you do get disability, how will that change things? You mentioned frivolous spending as contributing to the problem so that has to stop immediately.

[Robert Z]

It is annoying me and stressing me a bit, what do you all think?

 

You should tell your FIL that you would like your dowry now.

[PrettyEmily77]

Do you actually know for a fact this suggestion is coming from your FIL? I mean, has he discussed it with you directly at any point?

 

 

Only playing devil's advocate here, but I've been in and known enough Rs to maybe think it's your wife roundabout way of telling you she's stressing out about the whole being the main bread earner situation, and is using her dad as a go-to so as not to make you feel bad that it's coming from her?

 

 

Not suggesting you should doubt your wife's word or anything, seems like you have enough on your plate anyway, but that the thought that came to my mind when I read the thread.

 

 

I suspect the actual difficult financial situation you are both in atm is more stressful than what the wife's family thinks anyway. Hope it gets better for you soon.

[MidwestUSA]

 

frivolous spending, i think you have a point, its always possible to cut back, i should just eat the bare minimum, stop smoking etc but i find it hard to do that.

 

income and expense i am not sure as my wife deals with most of that and if i ask too many questions without having first given up smoking or stopped eating any junk food then it ends up in a massive argument

 

Um, you're smoking and have a CPAP machine. Do you eat a little junk food here and there or is it the mainstay of your diet?

 

It's your responsibility to get yourself to the healthiest lifestyle you can. Are you overweight? Losing weight is a much simpler and safer alternative to improving sleep apnea (as opposed to CPAP or surgery). How is your blood pressure?

 

You should take an interest in income and expenses, but I understand why your wife becomes frustrated. It's a vicious cycle, your self esteem is in the toilet, so you don't want to give up your comfort food/ciggs. What do you do while your wife is working?

 

No, you shouldn't borrow or take money from your dad, and FIL was out of line to suggest it. But I can see where he is coming from, protecting his daughter from what he perceives to be a drain on her. And I can understand her frustration.

 

Disabilty is a major self esteem killer. Do what you can to keep active, and be involved around the house, with both tasks and financial planning. There is an opportunity here for some team building between you and your wife. Good luck.