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Posted

My wife and I are having some money problems. My Dad is doing OK for money but by no means rich, he has just worked and been sensible.

 

My wife, it seems, has told her parents that my Dad has money, for example that he owns his house and her family have to rent, so now that she told her parents about our money troubles and how she was thinking of solving them her Dad told her that she better get some money from my Dad!

Her Dad is not offering any of his money, just telling her she should get it from my Dad.

 

I dont really expect anyone to help us out though of course it would be great if someone did and probably if I ask my Dad, he will because he is generous, so that might end up happening but I see that as a last resort and my wifes father seems to think it should be her first choice.

 

It is annoying me and stressing me a bit, what do you all think?

Posted

While it may be an option, politely decline such a suggestion. Its not his place to determine where you borrow money. Does he tell you where to bank or grocery shop? Point made.

 

You'll learn in time that while his intentions may be well meant, sometimes its best to let you both as a couple resolve your financial challenges.

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Posted
While it may be an option, politely decline such a suggestion. Its not his place to determine where you borrow money. Does he tell you where to bank or grocery shop? Point made.

 

You'll learn in time that while his intentions may be well meant, sometimes its best to let you both as a couple resolve your financial challenges.

 

so far, Im not getting that opportunity, hes only made that suggestion to my wife, not to me, actually stronger than just a suggestion i think since it wasnt - maybe you could try...

but it was - you better...

Posted

Your father-in-law sucks with money so just hear everything he says to do and then go do the very opposite thing.

  • Like 3
  • Author
Posted
Its not his place to determine where you borrow money.

 

He said get money rather than borrow money or maybe you could try asking so I think he might mean that my dad should just write us a check for whatever we need and not ask for it back.

Posted

I find it odd that all the parents are aware of each other's money issues/standing.

 

If you owe money - the debt is up to you two to repay it.

 

I'm sure you can figure out a way to take care of it if you map out your finances - do you and your wife work full time?

  • Like 4
Posted

Well, for one, I highly recommend that you two as a couple keep you stuff private. I mean, when you start getting family involved in your marriage woes (monetary or otherwise) it can get sticky.

 

I'm with my fav podcaster where she told her newlywed son and wifey (whom she adores :love:) that they are to NEVER come and gripe to her alone. They must come as a couple. Also, if they "do" decide to come as a couple, she stays neutral and does not "tell" them what to do she makes "suggestions" and/or gives them "ideas".

 

So, I believe her father was out of line in being so candid and who is "he" to know about your dad? I have relatives like that. I am not rich by no means, but cuz I have certain things like a home, degree, live in the US, they think I'm a made woman and should give them everything I got and/or house them.

 

I also believe your wife should not go blabbing your money troubles to dad, sister friends -whomever. If she wanted to check with her dad for money, she should have asked your permission and worked out every other option before speaking to him on her own. Because no matter what the women's movement says - "you" are the man of the home and she must allow you to be the "man" and resolve the family's issues and represent the family. Now, if you don't buy into my mantra and see yourselves as "equals"...still, you two are co-running/teaming the home and she should not step out w/o consulting with you because you two are a united front (same when it comes to disciplining the kids - no mom says one thing and dad the other).

 

So, IMO, she should have spoken to you, explored options and "if" you two decide to ask for money, you two go together, ask for it with dignity (like ask for a loan and explain how you plan to pay it back).

 

Now, sometimes I get notice of money problems cuz my relatives just talk to me casually and it comes out, but still try to keep your marital issues private.

  • Like 3
Posted

In terms of your self-respect and the respect your wife has for you, nothing would be better than you and your wife working through your financial problems on your own.

 

Working through the process together will put your marriage on much more stable ground once you have financial stability.

 

Don't depend on other men to provide what you should provide for your family.

Total Money Makeover

  • Like 5
Posted

We are very intergenerational in our family. We have a loan (with interest) from his mom. And are invested with my parents. But none of this happened out of expectations or demands. That just seems tasteless.

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Posted
I find it odd that all the parents are aware of each other's money issues/standing.

 

If you owe money - the debt is up to you two to repay it.

 

I'm sure you can figure out a way to take care of it if you map out your finances - do you and your wife work full time?

 

im ill, cant work at the moment, my wife works almost full time hours, our parents havent even met each other

Posted

Never borrow money from anyone.

  • Like 1
Posted
He said get money rather than borrow money or maybe you could try asking so I think he might mean that my dad should just write us a check for whatever we need and not ask for it back.

 

Bad advice from her dad...

 

Even "if" your situation is rough and you don't know how/if you are gonna pay it back, IMO, you have no right to walk up to anyone (parents, sister, etc) and expect them to write you a check w/o having to pay it back.

 

It's about pride, dignity, and self-worth. No one likes to be a beggar, mooch or bum and I don't care if your parents are millionaires with a will to leave it to their doggy. It's their money - if they wanna burn it on chips, none of your business.

 

Look, you can even "barter". Like if you can't pay it back, offer to come and clean your parent's place, cut their grass, etc.

 

Even if your parents would have no problem giving you it for free, still offer a plan to pay it back...have some dignity.

 

My mum gives a lot to my relatives, in turn she gets free room and board with me and them...so, I do my best to make her comfortable cuz I appreciate what she does for them.

 

Also, no matter how bad it's gotten for me, I can't bring myself to expect anyone to bail me out and thank God I have not asked. I even feel bad when mum gives me a measily 100 every two weeks to cover her expenses. Now, if I ever had to ask, I would pay it back and/or barter for it....I could NEVER take it for free.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted
Well, for one, I highly recommend that you two as a couple keep you stuff private. I mean, when you start getting family involved in your marriage woes (monetary or otherwise) it can get sticky.

 

I'm with my fav podcaster where she told her newlywed son and wifey (whom she adores :love:) that they are to NEVER come and gripe to her alone. They must come as a couple. Also, if they "do" decide to come as a couple, she stays neutral and does not "tell" them what to do she makes "suggestions" and/or gives them "ideas".

 

So, I believe her father was out of line in being so candid and who is "he" to know about your dad? I have relatives like that. I am not rich by no means, but cuz I have certain things like a home, degree, live in the US, they think I'm a made woman and should give them everything I got and/or house them.

 

I also believe your wife should not go blabbing your money troubles to dad, sister friends -whomever. If she wanted to check with her dad for money, she should have asked your permission and worked out every other option before speaking to him on her own. Because no matter what the women's movement says - "you" are the man of the home and she must allow you to be the "man" and resolve the family's issues and represent the family. Now, if you don't buy into my mantra and see yourselves as "equals"...still, you two are co-running/teaming the home and she should not step out w/o consulting with you because you two are a united front (same when it comes to disciplining the kids - no mom says one thing and dad the other).

 

So, IMO, she should have spoken to you, explored options and "if" you two decide to ask for money, you two go together, ask for it with dignity (like ask for a loan and explain how you plan to pay it back).

 

Now, sometimes I get notice of money problems cuz my relatives just talk to me casually and it comes out, but still try to keep your marital issues private.

 

Thanks Gloria, thats how I was thinking too. I have a bit of a problem being the man of the house because my wife is earning and I am not, so I do feel like I should contribute but I think its wrong that her father should offer someone elses money as a first choice

  • Like 1
Posted
im ill, cant work at the moment, my wife works almost full time hours, our parents havent even met each other

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are ill, but I seriously recommend you explore other options (temporary assistance from govt, churches, charities) before asking relatives.

 

See, thing is, if you were ill and on your own, I can see where you would probably run to parents/relatives first...but IMO, and important aspect of marriage is you two being in a position where you two are your own independent unit...so, you both shouldn't have gotten married if you two cannot be a unit independent from your families.

 

I have relatives who didn't get established in their careers and/or education. They got married and "life" happened and they ended up asking for support from and/or moving back with their parents and I have to say they were/are depressed, stressed, and embarrassed. So, again, I recommend you two tough it out and/or check other options before running to "dear o'l dad".

  • Like 2
Posted
im ill, cant work at the moment, my wife works almost full time hours, our parents havent even met each other

 

Are you able to collect money for assistance? Like disability?

 

Have you filed paperwork to receive help?

  • Like 1
Posted
My wife, it seems, has told her parents that my Dad has money, for example that he owns his house and her family have to rent, so now that she told her parents about our money troubles and how she was thinking of solving them her Dad told her that she better get some money from my Dad!

 

Your wife and her dad have no right to think that your dad can just fork over money because her parents rent and yours don't, they own a house. WTF.

 

If your dad offers, borrow it! IF not, try your best (I know you probably have NO intention of asking your dad for money) to make it on your own and be careful what you and your wife spend. Keep a tight budget.

  • Like 3
  • Author
Posted
I'm sorry to hear that you are ill, but I seriously recommend you explore other options (temporary assistance from govt, churches, charities) before asking relatives.

 

See, thing is, if you were ill and on your own, I can see where you would probably run to parents/relatives first...but IMO, and important aspect of marriage is you two being in a position where you two are your own independent unit...so, you both shouldn't have gotten married if you two cannot be a unit independent from your families.

 

I have relatives who didn't get established in their careers and/or education. They got married and "life" happened and they ended up asking for support from and/or moving back with their parents and I have to say they were/are depressed, stressed, and embarrassed. So, again, I recommend you two tough it out and/or check other options before running to "dear o'l dad".

 

im trying to get help at the moment from the govt. also my wife earns an ok wage ( a bit above average wage) but because she supports me im left feeling like im a leech and she is giving me money and that her family are all looking at me and thinking why didnt she get someone better for a husband?

  • Like 1
Posted

What is your illness and is it short term or long term recovery?

 

How much income do you two have as opposed to how much money is obligated each month?

 

 

Is there any frivolous spending each month by you or your wife? How much?

  • Author
Posted (edited)
Are you able to collect money for assistance? Like disability?

 

Have you filed paperwork to receive help?

 

thanks for that, yes i am waiting on a decision. they called me today and next i need to go to an appointment with their doctor to work that out. i hope i am entitled, though i hate the feeling of living off others

Edited by ivorstevens
  • Like 1
Posted
Never borrow money from anyone.

 

Precisely instead borrow from Everyone!! j/k

 

I think the Op sounds reasonable in remaining sincere in resolving this without parental mentoring.

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  • Author
Posted (edited)
What is your illness and is it short term or long term recovery?

 

How much income do you two have as opposed to how much money is obligated each month?

 

 

Is there any frivolous spending each month by you or your wife? How much?

 

Yeah thats another problem, i have sleep apnea which i expect most people think - oh ok youre a bit tired, get over it- but to me its exhaustion. i hoped the cpap machine would fix it immediately but its taking longer, my doc says some people never recover from that but i think i will once all the treatment is right. so i guess her family just think i am lazy.

 

frivolous spending, i think you have a point, its always possible to cut back, i should just eat the bare minimum, stop smoking etc but i find it hard to do that.

 

income and expense i am not sure as my wife deals with most of that and if i ask too many questions without having first given up smoking or stopped eating any junk food then it ends up in a massive argument

Edited by ivorstevens
spelling
  • Author
Posted
Your wife and her dad have no right to think that your dad can just fork over money because her parents rent and yours don't, they own a house. WTF.

 

If your dad offers, borrow it! IF not, try your best (I know you probably have NO intention of asking your dad for money) to make it on your own and be careful what you and your wife spend. Keep a tight budget.

 

I really dont want to borrow from my Dad but i feel like i am being pushed into asking him and i feel a bit like i should because i am not earning at the moment and i cant come up with any money myself. my wife and her family probably think it is unfair that she has to earn all the money and they do have a point.

Posted

If you're getting disability you can probably have your parents spot you a few bucks until your money comes in. Usually it takes some time to get it after you apply but you'll get all your back benefits in a lump sum when it finally starts.

 

A lot of married people fight over money when they get stressed out. I wouldn't sweat that too much. But if she keeps running to daddy and expects you to do the same then maybe she's really not ready to be married.

  • Like 3
Posted

It would be useful for you and your wife to outline a monthly/weekly budget and look at it against money coming in.

 

Is there work you can do from home?

Posted
im ill, cant work at the moment, my wife works almost full time hours, our parents havent even met each other

 

This change all my initial thoughts.

 

Now the father in law makes sense. because if your father is not helping you out, then it's your wife. Why should his daughter shoulder all the financial problems?

 

in this case, I feel he does have a right to say that.

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