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Posted

So a discussion in the infidelity section went off topic but I feel it is one worth debating. So without deraling the thread more I thought I'd post here. That discussion is about wonder women but I know it can be either way. It is basically about one spouse doing more or all of the work. And someone else felt it is a throw away society for that being a dealbreaker. I however see it as a reasonable end (divorce) to a spouse who never helps out with dishes, kids, cooking, cleaning or other "domestic" duties. To me a spouse who thinks they are above helping out is not someone I would want to be in a relationship with. Someone who won't be there for you or pick up the slack when things are tough. Laziness I believe is an understandable dealbreaker. Because it shows selfishness and a lack of care.

 

What are other's perspectives?

Posted

Well, you kinda need to be more specific here...

 

Cuz, let's say it's a dual-income/working couple. Well, since parties decided they wanna keep on working, then the things a SAHM/SAHW normally would do to make a "house" a "home" (ie cooking, cleaning, budgeting, childcare, being available/sexy for her man) are sorta gonna fall to the side cuz she's gonna be coming home just as tired as the man is.

 

I mean, I live alone and can pull off the cleaning/cooking/and then some - even though I work fulltime...but it takes some organizational skills and juggling stuff. And yea, sometimes I don't feel like cooking and/or cook in bulk. Not sure if I could handle kids though, so I can see where a working mom can't do it all w/o running ragged and/or somethings falling to the wasteside.

 

Now, my mum cleans her own bathroom (room sometimes), washes her own clothing and even helps with the cooking...and, that gives me a break. Eh, but then again, I chofer her around and run errands for us both, so I still have to do for the both of us, IMO.

 

But, ultimately, it depends on the couple and what you two agreed upon. I mean, if dude isn't making enough mulah to pay the bills and the couple decides to have kids based on a budget where "he" expects her to work instead of him getting a better and/or 2nd job, then how does he expect her to do it all by herself? So, if the couple agrees to split her chores and then she starts slacking, then I can see where the issue is.

 

But yep, I know of SAHM/SAHW with kids in school who are at home all day, are overweight, and the house is literally a mess. Worst, they probably aren't sexing cuz the kid(s) sleep in the bed with them. Now "that's" lazy and disrespectful to the spouse and marriage, IMO.

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Posted

Okay, the example in the post I gave was my sahm whose husband does nothing around the house. Even when she was 9 months pregnant. He has weeks off at a time. And he sits on his butt while she cooks and cleans and does everything. He does the odd handy job but she also does a lot of the renos. She told me she looks forward to him going back to work because she has one less kid. I have seen her super frazzled and burnt out because she is basically raising three kids on her own. He makes money. Fixes the odd thing. She pushes herself to be wonder woman.

 

I feel for her and see her breaking herself. She already was in the hospital once for pushing herself to hard while pregnant with the last. i believe if she wanted to divorce she has a very valid reason to despite him not being abusive.

 

Here is the thread where we veered off on it.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/536641-what-makes-you-think-he-won-t-do-same-you-4.html

 

I do also know a sahm who does nothing. Which Is why I kept this topic gender neutral.

Posted

Yeah, he's a jerk...

 

I mean even "if" she's a SAHW/SAHM and regardless of him being home or not, out of sheer caring and compassion - especially if she's preggo - he should help and just be happy to help her "take a load off". Shoot, if she's preggo, he should be offering foot massages...

 

Like me, when I see mum cooking, I will ask if she needs help and/or I'll just start washing the dishes and/or cleaning up around her cuz of her age and just to be nice. In a RL, both parties should be getting up every morning and and ask 'what can I do to make the other person happy'. Not sit around and be like whatever...

 

Also, when like my brother invites us over to eat, we offer to set and/or clean up the table, do dishes, etc....

 

Geesh, what a jerk!!!

Posted

I think communication is always important in such cases. Once the "oh, i thought you -liked- doing the housework" excuse is out the way, there's no reason it shouldn't be 50/50.

 

Although in certain situations, exceptions can be made; i once dated a girl who could have burned the house down pouring a bowl of cereal, so I was happy to do all the cooking.

Posted

 

I feel for her and see her breaking herself. She already was in the hospital once for pushing herself to hard while pregnant with the last. i believe if she wanted to divorce she has a very valid reason to despite him not being abusive.

 

 

Marriage and raising kids is a two way deal. If he is too lazy to help, yes she has every right to get a divorce. He could hire maid or nanny, to take up the slack. Know many working couples who do this.

 

The "work" of a marriage is not just in bed, or just love, it is the day to day operations that need to get done. When one side is shirking, the other should seek redress.

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Posted

I just want to say I was a sahm and I have nothing against them. But I guess I was lucky I had a H who understood how draining it can be. And who never made more work for me. I've never dreaded his days off and love when he has vacation time to just stay at home with us. I know she loves her husband. She rarely has complained but the last little while there has been the odd comment. And I've been in her home to have seen it for myself. He plays with his older kids, and he provides well, and he is not unkind in his speech though I find him a little Superiour. But he really does have gender role ideas. And maybe it is the buried feminist in me that is bothered by it. Or maybe it is because I saw my friend turn away and blink back tears when he didn't get up to go to their crying baby while she was visiting with me and we were folding laundry... And he was on his computer.

Posted
Laziness I believe is an understandable dealbreaker. Because it shows selfishness and a lack of care.

 

Agree 100% Noirek.

 

I think it's important before living together (whether married or not) to have very clear expectations about who will take reponsibility for what.

 

I hope anyone reading this will not make the mistakes I made in this area. :rolleyes:

 

I assumed that my exH and I were on the same page. I wanted a marriage of equals ( we were both working and I earned more money than he did for the first 5 years). He wanted a sexual housekeeper.

 

Fortunately I didn't make the mistake of having kids with him. :)

 

He married OP and now he has his sexual housekeeper. However, it's taken a toll on her mental health.

 

I was very glad I got out when I did.

Getting divorced was the worst experience I ever had in my life but it was also the most necessary. :)

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Posted

So I was the one who brought up "wonder woman" in the first place on the other thread. I am lucky in that my husband regularly asks me "why are you trying to be wonder woman" when I am trying to do too much.

 

As I said on the other thread, to me it would not necessarily be a matter of laziness, but a general lack of regard on his part for me or my time. THAT would be the deal breaker.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Posted

Marriage is a partnership, a team. Both should be looking for ways to help the other one out even if it isn't their "assigned" duties.

 

Partnerships never work when it is one sided or severely uneven.

Posted

Honestly, there seems to be an awful lot of

" in a marriage you should...." .

 

When it comes right down to it, the only in a marriage you should" that matters is what both spouses have agreed works for them. If it is working, and they are both happy and feel it's what is right for their particular situation, then they are the ones best in the position to decide if it's wat works.

Posted

I like what truncated said. There is no one size fits all...especially if you've never even tried on the outfit ;)

 

Both my parents worked, and everything around the house and yard got done without a fuss. Mom took care of most of the inside cleaning, and dad did all the yard work and fixing of things. Once we got old enough to make beds and hold a laundry basket, we helped.

 

If a sahm is going to be home and the husband is going to work (or you can change the genders, then obviously most of the work around the home is going to fall to the one who is at home all the time. However, you aren't going to get very far in a loving marriage if the working partner says "I done did my 8 hours, I'm gonna sit on the couch with my beer now," especially once kids come along. Just like if a partner works outside the home all day, and they come home to a tornado because the stay at home parent did nothing...yeah, that is legitimately irritating.

 

I think the key things are care and respect, that along with clear communication. And while no one wants to be taken advantage of, I think couples who get fixated on keeping score are just making themselves more miserable.

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