pray925 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I've been seeing a guy for almost three months. He's established we're a 'couple'. I grabbed lunch with him yesterday and asked if I was free tonight to meet a few of his friends for drinks. I said I was and that sounded fun. At the end of our date, he mentioned he'd let me know what the plan was once he worked everything out. This morning he texted me and we went back and forward a little. He's busy so it died out. It's been several hours and I have yet to hear what we are doing tonight. He's done this before, he's not a planner and is very 'go with the flow'. I am a planner and like knowing my schedule. Now I'm not entirely sure if I should reach out and ask in a few hours or just let it go. In a way, I feel like me reaching out and asking is me chasing him and creates the dyanmic that I am OK with this lack of planning. I've had to do this several times already and it's getting a bit old. 1
walkingonair Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I've been seeing a guy for almost three months. He's established we're a 'couple'. I grabbed lunch with him yesterday and asked if I was free tonight to meet a few of his friends for drinks. I said I was and that sounded fun. At the end of our date, he mentioned he'd let me know what the plan was once he worked everything out. This morning he texted me and we went back and forward a little. He's busy so it died out. It's been several hours and I have yet to hear what we are doing tonight. He's done this before, he's not a planner and is very 'go with the flow'. I am a planner and like knowing my schedule. Now I'm not entirely sure if I should reach out and ask in a few hours or just let it go. In a way, I feel like me reaching out and asking is me chasing him and creates the dyanmic that I am OK with this lack of planning. I've had to do this several times already and it's getting a bit old. I went through something like this.Your guy doesn't want a committed relationship,he actually doesn't know what he wants. So he plans things cause he doesn't wanna lose your attention but at the same time doesn't go through with plans and flakes cause he knows he's not ready for something super serious and feels like you are.Dont initiate contact with him!He needs to prove that he wants you in his life.Dont chase someone who's not really giving much attention
lookingfortheone Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 maybe he is waiting to find out form his friends? i know when i have tried to get people together its a process sometimes...people don't tell you anything straight up..... do you think he is the type that would say...I'm still waiting on people to figure it out? i don't think its intentional...at least it wouldn't be if it was me. maybe he is trying to work something out...idk you should be able to check in with him if you have been seeing each other for three months.....
Author pray925 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) I went through something like this.Your guy doesn't want a committed relationship,he actually doesn't know what he wants. So he plans things cause he doesn't wanna lose your attention but at the same time doesn't go through with plans and flakes cause he knows he's not ready for something super serious and feels like you are.Dont initiate contact with him!He needs to prove that he wants you in his life.Dont chase someone who's not really giving much attention I mean. I don't get that vibe from him. He's already established we are a couple. If anything, I'm the one that doesn't take it as serious. He's the one initiating plans, initiating contact. Edited July 10, 2015 by pray925
clia Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I wouldn't reach out until you've reached the point in time where you absolutely have to know the plan. (ie, you are ready to leave work and need to know where to go.) I totally understand wanting to know your schedule in advance -- I'm the same way -- but just try to be patient. He could still be working out a plan with his friends.
katiegrl Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 First of all, I would not be jumping to any conclusions that he is not looking for a relationship, doesn't want anything serious, etc. The last thing he is thinking right now is that you are stressing about this. How did you end things this morning? Did he say he will be in touch later? Did he mention getting together tonight at all? If it were me, I would wait until he contacts you. And in the meantime, try not to stress and over think. If you don't hear from him by 5:00 PM, make other plans .... I would.
Author pray925 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 I wouldn't reach out until you've reached the point in time where you absolutely have to know the plan. (ie, you are ready to leave work and need to know where to go.) I totally understand wanting to know your schedule in advance -- I'm the same way -- but just try to be patient. He could still be working out a plan with his friends. True. Unfortunately he asked he what my plans were for today and I said, "none so far" so I don't really have anything to fall back on. The thing is, with friends I have no problem waiting it out. If they're like, "we're going out tomorrow" I have no problem wiaitng until 8 or 9 and then confirming because they're my friends and I've established that's OK. I don't want to be a doormat for this guy though.
Author pray925 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) First of all, I would not be jumping to any conclusions that he is not looking for a relationship, doesn't want anything serious, etc. The last thing he is thinking right now is that you are stressing about this. How did you end things this morning? Did he say he will be in touch later? Did he mention getting together tonight at all? If it were me, I would wait until he contacts you. And in the meantime, try not to stress and over think. If you don't hear from him by 5:00 PM, make other plans .... I would. He told me yesterday he'd let me know what the plans were. And honestly this is his MO - very laid back. No rush kinda deal. Whereas I like knowing what we're doing and when. Edited July 10, 2015 by pray925
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 You have a date for tonight you only need details. Pick up the phone. Do not text. Ask what's the plan for tonight? Where are we meeting & at what time? Very simple Do not over think it. 2
katiegrl Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 He told me yesterday he'd let me know what the plans were. And honestly this is his MO - very laid back. No rush kinda deal. Whereas I like knowing what we're doing and when. Oh okay. But you said you guys texted this morning, went back and forth, but then he got busy. What did he say in those texts .....this morning? Did he mention tonight?
Author pray925 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 Oh okay. But you said you guys texted this morning, went back and forth, but then he got busy. What did he say in those texts .....this morning? Did he mention tonight? Nope. He didn't mention it. It was mostly banter about work.
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Treat it like a business appoint. Just confirm. 1
katiegrl Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) Nope. He didn't mention it. It was mostly banter about work. That seems strange to me. Nothing like "will see you later," or "I'll call you later"? If not, and since he made no mention of tonight at all, assume it's off and make other plans. Don't call to confirm. From the sounds of it, there IS no date to confirm. Just make other plans. He needs to learn that you won't always be available at his whim....even if that is his MO. He's not the only one in this relationship. Edited July 10, 2015 by katiegrl
Lansing Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 If I were in your shoes I wouldn't confirm with him... He already asked you out. Yeah, maybe it is playing games but just wait and see how long it takes for him to contact you and let you know. At some point, when a "date" isn't already planned just mention to him in passing that you like to know your schedule and have things organized... And then have a discussion about that topic and then you can say that you prefer not to be left hanging type thing...
rester Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 That seems strange to me. Nothing like "will see you later," or "I'll call you later"? If not, and since he made no mention of tonight at all, assume it's off and make other plans. Don't call to confirm. From the sounds of it, there IS no date to confirm. Just make other plans. He needs to learn that you won't always be available at his whim....even if that is his MO. He's not the only one in this relationship. I definitely don't agree with her making other plans without reaching out first. That is passive-aggressive. As far as we know, he doesn't even know that she is upset or annoyed by this. I don't see what's wrong with calling (or even texting in this situation) to confirm time and place. They have set plans, just no details. Maybe he hasn't had time to establish the plans with his friends first. Just say, "hey, do you know what time we are meeting your friends tonight, and where? I want to make sure I have enough time to take care of some things and get ready. Thanks" At some point they should have a conversation about planning vs. being laid back and not having a plan, if this sort of thing is going to bother her. edit...just realized he didn't mention it this morning. Instead of the above, I would text him, "hey, are we still meeting your friends tonight?" I don't understand the advice for not reaching out, when the OP clearly wants to know what the plans are.
katiegrl Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I definitely don't agree with her making other plans without reaching out first. That is passive-aggressive. As far as we know, he doesn't even know that she is upset or annoyed by this. I don't see what's wrong with calling (or even texting in this situation) to confirm time and place. They have set plans, just no details. Maybe he hasn't had time to establish the plans with his friends first. Just say, "hey, do you know what time we are meeting your friends tonight, and where? I want to make sure I have enough time to take care of some things and get ready. Thanks" At some point they should have a conversation about planning vs. being laid back and not having a plan, if this sort of thing is going to bother her. edit...just realized he didn't mention it this morning. Instead of the above, I would text him, "hey, are we still meeting your friends tonight?" I don't understand the advice for not reaching out, when the OP clearly wants to know what the plans are. Fair enough except I did not read where they had *set plans*. Nothing was *set* only *suggested*.....and then no mention of it by him after that.... despite their texting this morning for a bit. Just seems odd to me that he would not have at least mentioned it this morning in their text exchange. That's where I'm coming from...
rester Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Fair enough except I did not read where they had *set plans*. Nothing was *set* only *suggested*.....and then no mention of it by him after that.... despite their texting this morning for a bit. Just seems odd to me that he would not have at least mentioned it this morning in their text exchange. That's where I'm coming from... I agree with that. Neither one of them are putting forth much effort to confirm something as simple as getting drinks with friends. If I were him, I would have asked at some point today if she was still up for it, and that I would get back to her when I knew the plan. If I were her, I would ask him if the drink plans are still on and what they are.
katiegrl Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I agree with that. Neither one of them are putting forth much effort to confirm something as simple as getting drinks with friends. If I were him, I would have asked at some point today if she was still up for it, and that I would get back to her when I knew the plan. If I were her, I would ask him if the drink plans are still on and what they are. Yeah I agree! Lol, they are both insecure waiting for the other to say something! Both walking on eggshells waiting for the other. And just as it was odd that he did not mention it this morning, HER not mentioning it was odd too. As in, "so what's the plan for tonight? Have you talked to your friends yet?" So simple, yet so difficult.
GooseChaser Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 In this situation-- after already trying to reach out to him once-- if he doesn't get back to you like he said he would I would just find something else to do, assume it wasn't happening, and see him another time. If he really wanted it to happen and see you he'd be sure to reach out. He doesn't set up the date like agreed on, he doesn't get to spend time with you, simple. That's just me though.
katiegrl Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 We need an update from the OP! Has he called? Have you called? You on for tonight?
xcupid Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 If you're a "couple" then there's no reason why you shouldn't phone him or text him and find out what's going on. That's not chasing him - you're already established as a couple albeit a "young" couple since you haven't been dating very long. Not sure whether you're exclusive or not but when you use the word "couple" I assume exclusive. Having said that, by allowing his "go with the flow" behavior he's never going to change. It's obviously a problem for you. You either have to accept that's the way he is or tell him that you need advance warning. Otherwise, he thinks his behavior is acceptable, which, frankly it's not. It's inconsiderate. You need to set some boundaries with him. At the very least he could tell you that he's still trying to arrange something with other people and if that doesn't work then he'll take you out. Then you can plan accordingly.
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