Struggling with Side Effects

[Gus Grimly]

My recent breakup has caused a number of physical and emotional effects:

 

• Depression
  
• Anhedonia
  
• Anxiety/Panic attacks
  
• Exhaustion
  
• Nausea/Appetite loss
  
• Agitation
  
• Insomnia
  
• Physical pain
  

 

It's only been 4 days but I've already lost 3 lbs., inability to get a full nights rest. My work is suffering and I've been experiencing jarring anxiety. A few times I have received a phone call around lunch time since the Breakup, my ex would call me everyday at lunch. Each time the phone rang my heart would jump out of my chest and I'd lose my breath. I immediately answered the call without checking the number with the irrational hope it was her, completely abandoning NC. This weakness worries me.

 

This must be what a drug addict experiences going through withdrawal. I understand what I'm going through is common. I just wish I could get a handle on myself. I'm my own worst enemy it would seem. I've been constantly beating myself up.

 

This forum has been a great help though. Reading the stories and the great advice given has been comforting. I truly hope I can stay true to myself, remain strong and not break NC.

 

Breaking up is awful, complex, and confusing. It's a cliché, but oh god is it true. Ugh.

[Yummm]

Keep posting buddy, it is very very fresh so the emotions are completely normal.

 

I feel your pain, at day 4 I was a wreck, it was one of the most terrible pains I have ever been through. It didn't help having to see her everyday.

 

2 months post BU and i'm feeling a hell of a lot better! You will get better, take each hour by hour, then day by day, it will pass! Read through other's storys (feel free to click on my profile and read mine) and see other people's journeys, it will help. Post when you feel weak.

 

It is best to stay strict NC as you know, it is very hard to do so, like a drug addiction you need to break, but the quicker you do it the quicker your healing will begin.

 

Sending you positive vibes xx

[15Love]

4 days nc here too.

 

The addict thing. I so relate.

 

The concern over how quickly my resolve to go no contact will fly out the window if he contacted me now...or two months from now. The fact that's I'm constantly playing out our next conversation in my head...how cool I'll be...how uninterested...how I'll turn him down...OH WAIT. IM SUPPOSED TO NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN.

 

yes, I'm with you regarding these concerns.

[Gus Grimly]

Sending you positive vibes xx

 

Thank you Yummm, your words are encouraging. One day at a time. I know time is really the only way to heal. Just like any real physical injury. Wish I were already 2 months post BU!

 

Message to my future self: How is life? Are you feeling better?

 

The concern over how quickly my resolve to go no contact will fly out the window if he contacted me now...or two months from now. The fact that's I'm constantly playing out our next conversation in my head...how cool I'll be...how uninterested...how I'll turn him down...OH WAIT. IM SUPPOSED TO NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN.

.

 

^^This. That sums it up for me. I keep replaying the last (closure) phone call to my ex in my head. What I said, What I should have said, what I shouldn't have said. Then those thoughts lead to: Okay if she calls what will I say? How will I say it? Will I beg her to reconsider? Is that a mistake?

 

My heart lingers in the fond memories of what we shared with each other. It desires so much to return to that time. It wants to make a plea to her, that we both need each other, that we can make it, that everything will be ... okay.

But it wont. My mind knows that going back down that road would just lead to more heartache, that it's truly over this time. We can't go back. There's nothing left to give.

 

This internal struggle between the heart and mind is insufferable. The worst thing I could do now, after reading many posts here is that revoking NC, just to hear her voice one last time, would undermine any progress I've made in the healing process. Doesn't mean I have to like it. *sigh*

 

Hope you are doing okay 15Love.

Edited July 11, 2015 by Gus Grimly
typo

[Satu]

This is something I put together for myself, but some of it might be useful for you:

 

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 2 litres a day for a male.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to.

 

 

Take care.

[Gus Grimly]

This is something I put together for myself, but some of it might be useful for you:

 

Wow, thank you Satu for this really well thought out piece of advice to help overcome my grief. If you say that it's worked for you and has benefited your recovery I must push myself to follow these steps.

 

I appreciate it, and thank you for your support!

[Jemay]

Ughh... I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know exactly what you are feeling cause early on in my break-up I was a complete mess, too, just like you, probably worse as I was even suicidal. Hang in there!! You will get through this, as difficult as it is to imagine, but you just have to trust us. You'll not only get through it but in time you'll also feel joy again. Stick to NC, feel what you're feeling, try to stay active, and just take it one day at a time xox

[Gus Grimly]

Ughh... I'm so sorry you're feeling this way .....

 

Thank you Jemay for the kind words. That cheered me up a bit. It's so good to know that I'm not alone and I can come here to get such good advice and comforting sentiments like yours.

[SoThatHappened]

Message to my future self: How is life? Are you feeling better?

I'll play the role of your future self:

 

Life's better. Think of her a lot less and finally back on the horse. Think about her once in a while, but realized she doesn't make or break my life.

 

I'm eating, sleeping, and living life like a normal person. I remember when I was going through hell for the first few months, then other bouts here and there.

 

However, the anxiety is gone, depression is gone, and there's a light in my eyes again.

 

...

 

I can say this because I was there a year ago. Through NC, I'm over it.

 

You'll get there too, I promise.

[Ronni_W]

My heart lingers in the fond memories of what we shared with each other. It desires so much to return to that time. -<snip> - This internal struggle between the heart and mind is insufferable.

Your heart may be doing the fondness thing, but it is your mind that is grasping onto the past, and wanting Life to not ever change.

 

But. The thing about Life is that it DOES change; it is its "job" and task to just keep growing and expanding and bringing us new and more experiences. Life is not designed to return to [any] time [in the past] -- it must flow in the now and into what we call the "future". So, when your mind or your heart try to get you so attached to and stuck in the past, is what causes the feelings of suffering, of pain, of loss, of regret, of guilt or blame or anger or whatever.

 

Everything WILL be okay! Just not in the way that your current mind/perception thinks it needs, for things to be "okay". (Your mind is still connected/attached to past stuff. Your heart needs you to consciously let that go and say, "Yeah, okay. Crap is changing. I guess I'd better get on board with this new crap."

 

If that makes sense? Not that it's easy...but that it's got to get done, when we start "growing up" -- which, I think...Peter Pan had the right idea, did he not?

[Gus Grimly]

I can say this because I was there a year ago. Through NC, I'm over it.

 

You'll get there too, I promise.

 

Even though right now it seems like I'll never get over my ex, with encouraging posts like this I'm starting to have hope. Thank you for that.

 

If that makes sense?

 

It does make sense, I see your point. It's really hard to let go of the memories, good and bad, because it's all I have left of our relationship. When these thoughts stream through my mind they cause me pain, physical pain. I need to start looking forward to the future. Because she's no longer in it and that's a fact I have to accept.

 

Even thinking about accepting the true nature of my situation, that it's over, is incredibly hard. Just to hold her in my arms one last time, that's all I want. Ugh. Might as well say I just need one more fix man to get me through the day.

 

She was the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I'll never be the same.

[Yummm]

Mate, it's hard to read your thread when you write because I was in the same boat for the last 2 months, it really really hurts, but the advice you have received in this thread so far is amazing, really opens your eyes to how the process works.

 

Who knows the future, we have no idea what the future will hold with regards to who we're meant to be with or what happens to us. Embrace the NOW, which is probably dark and painful, but tomorrow will be different and another learning experience, as will the next day!

 

Up and down.. ride the waves

[Gus Grimly]

Up and down.. ride the waves

 

Surfs up!

 

The advice here has been truly amazing and supportive. I'm so impressed by this community. It's come through for me more than I could have ever hoped.

 

Thank you Yummm for this considerate reply. It does help, very much.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Your brain literally reacts the same way in a breakup that it does from a drug withdrawal. I believe there have been studies on this and it was found that the same areas of the brain were affected. It's difficult, and I never thought something emotional could affect my health like it did. I, too lost a bunch of weight. I'd sleep at most 3-5 hours a night, and wake up every so often. There were days I wouldn't get out of bed. I had nightmares.

 

It's still very fresh for you, but I can tell you that it does get better. It WILL take time. I won't sugarcoat it. It's been 2.5 months since the breakup for me and I still get sad, but it's more fleeting than it was before and I have been able to find happiness somewhat in other things again.

 

I feel for you, because those first couple of weeks were the hardest I think of my life. I felt hopeless, and even suicidal at one point. Don't ever feel that way.

 

It's normal at this point to be as affected as you are, but if you're still feeling this bad in a few weeks, it may help to speak to a pastor or a counselor. That has helped me in the past.

 

The hardest part is the struggle between your mind and your heart. Your mind knows the relationship wasn't any good, but your heart won't accept it. Eventually, your heart will come around.

 

Best of luck to you. This forum is a great place to come to for comfort. Great people here.

[15Love]

Thanks Gus, doing ok today...trying to stay distracted.

 

Tomorrow will be 1 week NC.

 

What I'm struggling with most right now is that I daydream about the next time we're togeter and have to keep reminding myself that that would mean starting the whole NC process all over again....its a vicious cycle...and quite tiring. I'm just tired of wanting something so unhealthy so much.

[Learningtowalkagain]

Satu's list is great, I've read it before

 

Keep a journal, you'll be surprised at the stuff that you can pour into pages. My Doc said eventually I'd get bored writing in it, but the exact opposite has happened, I look forward to adding to it. I've written 30 pages in 7 days. Didn't think I had it in me.

 

Find a friend you can talk to about things. Girls are better at listening to relationship stuff. Luckily I have 3 or 4 that have been good shoulders to cry on.

 

Spend time with friends and family

 

Don't mope around the house feeling bad for yourself. If you find yourself in this state, get up, walk outside, take a deep breath of air. Do laundry. Clean your house. Do something.

 

Keep busy. Occupying your time will keep your mind on other things. Easier said than done when you're going through what you're going through but it works. I told my psychiatrist about all the things I've been doing to keep my mind off her and he says I'm going to burn myself out. So far I haven't.

 

Go to the gym. Even if you can't workout, just go. Walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes. The atmosphere might inspire hope. The gym has been my saving grace.

 

Good luck. You'll look back at this one day and hopefully laugh. But for right now I feel for you. Everyone on these forums does. That's why we're here.

[netty12]

My recent breakup has caused a number of physical and emotional effects:

 

• Depression
  
• Anhedonia
  
• Anxiety/Panic attacks
  
• Exhaustion
  
• Nausea/Appetite loss
  
• Agitation
  
• Insomnia
  
• Physical pain
  

 

It's only been 4 days but I've already lost 3 lbs., inability to get a full nights rest. My work is suffering and I've been experiencing jarring anxiety. A few times I have received a phone call around lunch time since the Breakup, my ex would call me everyday at lunch. Each time the phone rang my heart would jump out of my chest and I'd lose my breath. I immediately answered the call without checking the number with the irrational hope it was her, completely abandoning NC. This weakness worries me.

 

This must be what a drug addict experiences going through withdrawal. I understand what I'm going through is common. I just wish I could get a handle on myself. I'm my own worst enemy it would seem. I've been constantly beating myself up.

 

This forum has been a great help though. Reading the stories and the great advice given has been comforting. I truly hope I can stay true to myself, remain strong and not break NC.

 

Breaking up is awful, complex, and confusing. It's a cliché, but oh god is it true. Ugh.

 

Gus, I completely admire what you are doing. I only wish to have been as strong as you are. It would have saved me almost a decade of my life!! All my 20s are gone thanks to holding on to a false hope. Stay strong and thanks again for your help and advice. They say something is meant to leave your life to make room for something better. I hope you find your better and look at what she did to you as a favor because she doesn't sound too "kosher". You will be happy again!

[RocketQueen]

I hope you're feeling better today. I visit here daily but rarely post but felt the need to reply.

 

When my ex broke up with me in December I thought my whole world had shattered. There are actual missing chunks of time where I don't know how I got through the day or what happened at work etc. I truly was on autopilot at times.

 

The physical pain was real and I just wished I could switch my brain off.

 

I'm now nearing the 9 month stage and am feeling so much better.

 

My recovery was delayed as we stayed in contact and had various meet ups under the pretence of seeing if we could work things out, but somewhere along the line I got myself a spine and realised if he truly wanted me he would get me fully.

 

What I am trying to say is you will survive this and you will emerge from the darkness that you're living in now, until then, come here and see how many people have come out at the other side changed but well...and smiling.

 

Take care xxx

[DK666]

I hope you're feeling better today. I visit here daily but rarely post but felt the need to reply.

 

When my ex broke up with me in December I thought my whole world had shattered. There are actual missing chunks of time where I don't know how I got through the day or what happened at work etc. I truly was on autopilot at times.

 

The physical pain was real and I just wished I could switch my brain off.

 

I'm now nearing the 9 month stage and am feeling so much better.

 

My recovery was delayed as we stayed in contact and had various meet ups under the pretence of seeing if we could work things out, but somewhere along the line I got myself a spine and realised if he truly wanted me he would get me fully.

 

What I am trying to say is you will survive this and you will emerge from the darkness that you're living in now, until then, come here and see how many people have come out at the other side changed but well...and smiling.

 

Take care xxx

 

I just wanted to thank you for posting this. I know that myself, and I'm sure many others, could do with seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.

[writergal]

Gus, hang in there! All of the physical symptoms that you're experiencing are your body and mind's way of reacting to the stress of your breakup.

 

As Satu pointed out, you're in the acute phase of your breakup, so the physical symptoms are the worst right now. With time, those same physical symptoms will lessen and then will disappear as you come closer to getting over the breakup.

 

All good advice so far that I can't really add to, except to repeat the essential words of advice; take it one day at a time, alleviate your physical symptoms with exercise and emotional support and social distractions (going out with friends, etc.).

[Gus Grimly]

@all who've sent me words of encouragement: Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding. I can't tell you how grateful I am for the support you've given me and others who are suffering. Reading such inspirational passages gives me hope. I come back to this thread and reread it whenever I'm having bad day or feeling lonely.

 

Again, thank you. I'd give you all a big hug if I could.

[DK666]

@all who've sent me words of encouragement: Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding. I can't tell you how grateful I am for the support you've given me and others who are suffering. Reading such inspirational passages gives me hope. I come back to this thread and reread it whenever I'm having bad day or feeling lonely.

 

Again, thank you. I'd give you all a big hug if I could.

 

You'll get there buddy, we all will. Just gotta take it as it comes, day by day.