sadpanda3 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 My ex was a real @#$#. Left me for someone else, rubbed it in my face by sending me pictures of them together. Made my life miserable while we were still together. I won't go into details. How do I forgive him? I still think about him now and then and I always end up wishing something really bad happens to him. Like his new GF cheating on him and sending him pictures of the guy she cheated with. How do I forgive him? I'm only making myself miserable. I can't trust anybody anymore and I feel bitter.
mightycpa Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I can't trust anybody anymore and I feel bitter.You learned that whole group punishment thing in public school, where the teacher punished the entire class for the actions of one clown. Don't be her. Don't turn the whole world into a stereotype because of one guy. By doing that, you make him too important. Don't blame the world for what he did. Diminish him by embracing your newfound freedom. Take those pics, and post them on craigslist personals or something. They'll stop coming your way. 5
DrReplyInRhymes Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 My ex was a real @#$#. Left me for someone else, rubbed it in my face by sending me pictures of them together. Made my life miserable while we were still together. I won't go into details. How do I forgive him? I still think about him now and then and I always end up wishing something really bad happens to him. Like his new GF cheating on him and sending him pictures of the guy she cheated with. How do I forgive him? I'm only making myself miserable. I can't trust anybody anymore and I feel bitter. Time will help, and is probably one of the most important factors in the equation called the cure, Forgiveness isn't easy, especially when victimized and some of the horrible things you had to endure, Delete the pictures, don't stoop to his level by playing the game that he already tried, Use this as a learning experience, block his communication, and hopefully he'll stop after texts go unreplied. 3
casey.lives Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 You don't need to forgive... just move off it 2
sober and dry Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 There are people who think otherwise, but in my opinion forgiveness is only for the ones that deserve it, full stop. You need, instead, to forget, at least first. 4
veggirl Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 You DON'T need to forgive him. There are people in my past who've done me so wrong that I don't forgive them...that being said, I'm "over" it in the sense that it doesn't bother me anymore. That's what you need to get to, and that takes time. It also takes understanding that you know what, some people are just A-HOLES, your ex is one of them. How long has it been? 3
Palmeiras Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) There are people who think otherwise, but in my opinion forgiveness is only for the ones that deserve it, full stop. You need, instead, to forget, at least first. This. Think of it like this: Forgiveness for another person is something that you can do within yourself. But to be able to offer it openly to the actual person, that person has to demonstrate that he or she wants to be forgiven. That demonstration has nothing to do with getting on his or her knees and pleading with you; rather, it has to do with you observing a meaningful positive change in that person over time. Because, y'know, if that person doesn't change, then that person is not truly remorseful for his or her destructive actions. Tell yourself that you forgive him, but keep it to yourself. You will know in time whether or not that forgiveness is worth offering to him, because he will "tell" you that he values it. Edited July 10, 2015 by Palmeiras 2
No Limit Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I think before you go the whole way to forgiveness, maybe you should work on feeling indifferent about him. For a start, I hope you've blocked him on everything and make sure to never entertain contact with him again. And no need to become bitter and vengeful, people like him turn their own lives to ***** perfectly without the help of others. And make sure you never allow anyone to treat you this way again. 4
Palmeiras Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I'm with No Limit here. I just think that internal forgiveness is something that can help you with all of the above, including indifference. Talk to yourself, lay it to rest, and get on with your life. You may have the opportunity to forgive him in the future, but that is something that you should file away and place no emphasis on. He treated you badly; it is done, and you are better for being out of it. Stop caring about someone who obviously didn't really care about you. 3
learnbyliving Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 I agree that not everyone deserves forgiveness and the goal is to become indifferent. Some one wronged me (read: lied and cheated) a year ago, and got away with it in the eyes of all our mutual friends. I don't think about him, nor does the memory hurt me anymore, but whenever we cross paths due to our overlapping circles, I feel bitter and resentful. Sometimes I feel this is not normal and I should be able to feel indifferent by now, especially since I've had a more satisfying RS since then. 2
Author sadpanda3 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 You DON'T need to forgive him. There are people in my past who've done me so wrong that I don't forgive them...that being said, I'm "over" it in the sense that it doesn't bother me anymore. That's what you need to get to, and that takes time. It also takes understanding that you know what, some people are just A-HOLES, your ex is one of them. How long has it been? It's been only three months. I'm over it in the sense that thinking about it doesn't feel painful anymore. I just know the pain was overwhelming but I don't "feel" it. But I feel resentful for the way he treated me and angry at myself for allowing such treatment. This resentment is still tying me to him and I hate it. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Well, you're not over it. As everyone else has said, time and NC are your two biggest allies. Try to turn that negative energy into something beneficial to you. Every week I try to learn a new recipe. Last week I made garlic scapes. Have you ever had a garlic scape? Check it out... 2
Author sadpanda3 Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 Every week I try to learn a new recipe. Last week I made garlic scapes. Have you ever had a garlic scape? Check it out... I'll be sure to try:) and you, try dolmadakia 1
Satu Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 There is a right time for forgiveness, but if you're still going through a lot of pain you're not there yet. Trying to forgive too soon can make you feel worse. Also bear in mind that forgiveness is a choice, not a must. Some people choose not to forgive, and yet they heal as well as those who choose to forgive. Take care. 2
BC1980 Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 I've come to believe that the only way to forgive a person is to become indifferent. Forgiveness is letting something go and moving on, and you can't really do that until you are indifferent. At least, you can't forgive fully until that time. 3
BC1980 Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 It's been only three months. I'm over it in the sense that thinking about it doesn't feel painful anymore. I just know the pain was overwhelming but I don't "feel" it. But I feel resentful for the way he treated me and angry at myself for allowing such treatment. This resentment is still tying me to him and I hate it. You're not over it if you feel any strong emotion towards him or the situation. You might not feel pain right now, but you feel resentment and anger. 3 months is not enough time to get over a person, let alone a person who left you for someone else and rubbed it in your face. 4
dandylioness Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 sadpanda3 - I would have to respectfully disagree with the advice to not forgive this person. Forgiveness allows you to emotionally detach and move on. Also, think of it this way: the problem lies with the other person, not you. I know it feels awful to have an ex flaunt their new relationship, but spending time thinking about all the bad things that could happen to them is wasting your time on someone who no longer deserves it. It's almost a sign of insecurity for someone to have to send an ex pictures of them with their new person...and is this person worth wasting your energy on? Feel sorry for them for being so petty...and let that lead you to forgiving them. And the rest will follow....
BC1980 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 sadpanda3 - I would have to respectfully disagree with the advice to not forgive this person. Forgiveness allows you to emotionally detach and move on. Also, think of it this way: the problem lies with the other person, not you. I know it feels awful to have an ex flaunt their new relationship, but spending time thinking about all the bad things that could happen to them is wasting your time on someone who no longer deserves it. I don't think we are saying not to forgive. We are just saying that you can't rush it. You can't just get up one morning and decide to forgive someone. Believe me, I've tried that, and it doesn't work. I don't feel that forgiveness allows you to emotionally detach. I feel it works the other way around. You are free to forgive once you've emotionally detached, but that's a process in and of itself. Forgiveness is pretty much the last step, along with acceptance. I'm sure other people have had different experiences, but those are just my thoughts on it.
Author sadpanda3 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 sadpanda3 - I would have to respectfully disagree with the advice to not forgive this person. Forgiveness allows you to emotionally detach and move on. Also, think of it this way: the problem lies with the other person, not you. I know it feels awful to have an ex flaunt their new relationship, but spending time thinking about all the bad things that could happen to them is wasting your time on someone who no longer deserves it. It's almost a sign of insecurity for someone to have to send an ex pictures of them with their new person...and is this person worth wasting your energy on? Feel sorry for them for being so petty...and let that lead you to forgiving them. And the rest will follow.... I agree with this. I may not be ready to forgive but I really want to. I'm doing it for myself, to completely detach. I don't think I will be completely indiferent if I don't. Usually I just forget about the people who wronged me (works pretty well even if I don't forgive them because I never have to see them) but in this case...we work together. And his new GF in the building next to us. It's hard to forget someone you have to see. I do feel bad for him. He packed full with psychological problems. I'm happy I don't have to deal with it anymore.
Author sadpanda3 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Posted July 12, 2015 I don't think we are saying not to forgive. We are just saying that you can't rush it. You can't just get up one morning and decide to forgive someone. Believe me, I've tried that, and it doesn't work. I don't feel that forgiveness allows you to emotionally detach. I feel it works the other way around. You are free to forgive once you've emotionally detached, but that's a process in and of itself. Forgiveness is pretty much the last step, along with acceptance. I'm sure other people have had different experiences, but those are just my thoughts on it. Usually I have the same approach as you. But I don't know how to feel indiferent if I feel resentful every time I see him. Like I said we work together It's tiring to hate him. It's not good to rush it I agree, but I want peace of mind.
BC1980 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I agree with this. I may not be ready to forgive but I really want to. I'm doing it for myself, to completely detach. I don't think I will be completely indiferent if I don't. Usually I just forget about the people who wronged me (works pretty well even if I don't forgive them because I never have to see them) but in this case...we work together. And his new GF in the building next to us. It's hard to forget someone you have to see. I work with my ex, so I know how difficult that can be. Fortunately, we rarely see each other, so it's not really a problem. Working with an ex adds an entirely new dynamic to this situation I'd suggest that you do some digging on what exactly forgiveness is. Ask yourself what you think it is and why you want to do it. Ask yourself exactly how you plan to go about forgiving your ex. What steps do you think are necessary to take in order to forgive him. It's unfortunate, but I've found that you don't have total control over when you are ready to forgive. I jumped to forgive prematurely for the exact same reason you are doing so. I wanted to be over all of it and let go. It didn't work though. Here is a blog post that helped me: Sometimes we forgive prematurely and then feel bad that we?re not able to let go of the situation | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Forgiveness can be a great thing if you are truly able to get there one day.
Pennyapple Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Some people build their "happiness" on the misery of the others. These people are pathetic. Stay away from him and be glad that he has nothing to do with you now!
mightycpa Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 Having re-read this, I'm going to provide a little different perspective. Left me for someone else, rubbed it in my face by sending me pictures of them together. Made my life miserable while we were still together. Really nothing to forgive there. He made a choice.Maybe he wasn't rubbing it in your face. Maybe he wanted to be pals, and he was just sharing. It's possible he is merely insensitive.That's on you, really. You were the one who put up with it. So, there you go. Nothing to forgive. Focus on forgetting, or not caring, instead.
aloneinaz Posted July 13, 2015 Posted July 13, 2015 I'm an advocate of forgiveness but.. you will reach the spot as the others mentioned when you reach the stage of indifference. My last ex was HORRIBLE for the last several months and YES, I allowed it and learned from it. She ended us cause I had too much other drama in my life to deal with that too. I moved on a few months later and am happy now for 2 years w/a much better GF. The ex reappeared wanting another shot 6 months post break up. She apologized for all her terribleness and owned her behavior. She said she really needed me to forgive her. I told her that I was not interested in dating her again and I had no animosity towards her. I had the last laugh (which is usually the case for most of us). Her ending us allowed me to meet my now GF. 2+ years later, I can say I hope she finds happiness. I think she learned what her actions caused her and the karma it brought. Lives to short to hold onto anger and animosity for long. In my experiences, people always pay for the way they miss-treat people.
Author sadpanda3 Posted July 13, 2015 Author Posted July 13, 2015 I work with my ex, so I know how difficult that can be. Fortunately, we rarely see each other, so it's not really a problem. Working with an ex adds an entirely new dynamic to this situation I'd suggest that you do some digging on what exactly forgiveness is. Ask yourself what you think it is and why you want to do it. Ask yourself exactly how you plan to go about forgiving your ex. What steps do you think are necessary to take in order to forgive him. It's unfortunate, but I've found that you don't have total control over when you are ready to forgive. I jumped to forgive prematurely for the exact same reason you are doing so. I wanted to be over all of it and let go. It didn't work though. Here is a blog post that helped me: Sometimes we forgive prematurely and then feel bad that we?re not able to let go of the situation | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Forgiveness can be a great thing if you are truly able to get there one day. This really helped! Thank you
Recommended Posts