We were Incompatible?

[Jonp219]

I was just reading an article on Psychology Today about incompatibility between partners. Based on the result I got it says me and my ex had an compatibility that was seemingly below average. However, I noticed the reason for that was because of me, and mainly me. Although we didn't have similar interest or related much authentically, my temperament was unhealthy and I didn't compliment her intellectually because my stupid ass thought I knew everything (moron).

 

It just reenforces what I already knew, that it was all my fault. I had something good and I let it get away because I'm a ****ing *******.

 

I had a talk with my mom yesterday about my ex and this is what she told me:

 

"I could tell that girl didn't smile a lot, but when she looked at you her smile lit the room like an exploding star. You however didn't have that same look in your eyes, and I think you knew that. You were trying to keep something alive because you don't like seeing situations fall apart. You're like you're dad, and I mean that in a good way. Your dad hated change, but he tried holding things together even if they didn't belong because he hated giving up. Cohesiveness is something you have to practice. You rather carry the team on your back instead of just doing your part. Son, life would be so much easier if you just let it flow. You're not a quitter if you let go of something you don't feel right about, and you're not any less of a man for messing up. I feel you miss the IDEA of her more than you miss her as a person. Although you were comfortable with her, she wasn't comfortable because deep down she knew she wasn't enough. And your controlling personally wasn't helping either, you need to work on that. I know you loved her, but the same way you wished you could".

 

Her words damn near brought me to tears because I felt she was right, but that made it even more wrong.

 

Idk I just wanted to vent this out. I cried this morning for the first time in a week. I feel like I could of done more even if the results were inevitable.

[BrokenDragon]

Although we didn't have similar interest or related much authentically, my temperament was unhealthy and I didn't compliment her intellectually because my stupid ass thought I knew everything (moron).

 

I think I would focus more on the first part of your statement rather than the second... Complementing each other's persona is easy if those two things fall in place.

[d0nnivain]

Wow you are just determined to beat yourself up. I think you misunderstand your mom's insight.

 

Your mom recognizes you for the sensitive soul you are. As lovely as it was for her to see some woman look at you adoringly, your mom knows it won't work until it's mutual. She wants you to be able to think a woman is fantastic & know that in your soul the same way that woman thinks you hang the moon too.

 

Your EX wasn't it for you. Your subconscious knew something was missing. Let the past go & work on improving your future.

[casey.lives]

let it flow .. that's what she is stressing

[Ronni_W]

Jon, your Mom is AWESOME wise! There is so much in what she said. But. It is also so unfair of her to not have been releasing her wisdom and insights to you in "chapters", since you were three years old. Why did she wait so long and dump it all on you at one time?

 

In any case, I think her message is the opposite of you being , as you put it "a ****ing *******" -- obviously I have to guess: did you mean that you identify yourself as an "effin' sumthin" (???)

 

Yes, in the past you may have thought that you knew everything; you may have been caught up in intellectual pride and arrogance -- BUT you have now (and hopefully for ever more) learned that you do not and cannot know what you do not - and therefore cannot - know. That is, hopefully you have learned the lesson of intellectual humility.

 

Your mom is also not giving you a higher teaching/understanding when she talks about there being any value in holding things together that don't belong together; or in capitulating to any fear of change or not wanting to grow and transcend old, out-dated, limiting or non-sensical belief systems,thoughts, traditions, expectations, demands, "shoulds" and "should nots".

 

If the team is dragging you down, let go of the team - it doesn't matter you emotional or familial relationship to any or all of them. "Let the dead bury the dead."

You are of MUCH more value -- to yourself and to the whole -- when you are serving the upward spiral, not the downward (dragging-you-down) one.

[SycamoreCircle]

I was just reading an article on Psychology Today about incompatibility between partners. Based on the result I got it says me and my ex had an compatibility that was seemingly below average. However, I noticed the reason for that was because of me, and mainly me. Although we didn't have similar interest or related much authentically, my temperament was unhealthy and I didn't compliment her intellectually because my stupid ass thought I knew everything (moron).

 

It just reenforces what I already knew, that it was all my fault. I had something good and I let it get away because I'm a ****ing *******.

 

I had a talk with my mom yesterday about my ex and this is what she told me:

 

"I could tell that girl didn't smile a lot, but when she looked at you her smile lit the room like an exploding star. You however didn't have that same look in your eyes, and I think you knew that. You were trying to keep something alive because you don't like seeing situations fall apart. You're like you're dad, and I mean that in a good way. Your dad hated change, but he tried holding things together even if they didn't belong because he hated giving up. Cohesiveness is something you have to practice. You rather carry the team on your back instead of just doing your part. Son, life would be so much easier if you just let it flow. You're not a quitter if you let go of something you don't feel right about, and you're not any less of a man for messing up. I feel you miss the IDEA of her more than you miss her as a person. Although you were comfortable with her, she wasn't comfortable because deep down she knew she wasn't enough. And your controlling personally wasn't helping either, you need to work on that. I know you loved her, but the same way you wished you could".

 

Her words damn near brought me to tears because I felt she was right, but that made it even more wrong.

 

Idk I just wanted to vent this out. I cried this morning for the first time in a week. I feel like I could of done more even if the results were inevitable.

Jon, you're so vulnerable at present that if you were to see some scrawl on a bathroom stall that said, "I luv U butt I dunno how2 show eat 8=====)))", you'd try to extract some personal meaning. Some of what your mom said is valid, some of it is just to make you feel better.>>>Although you were comfortable with her, she wasn't comfortable because deep down she knew she wasn't enough. (???) QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP. Quit scrambling for validation from women(I read your other post). You're not ready to date. You're not to blame for this failed romantic relationship. The only thing wrong with you is that your self-esteem is miserably low. Do as I said---invest time and energy into challenges outside of the dating world. Take on fears. Push yourself. Have you ever traveled independently to a different country? Check out some of Central America. Take a class. Learn a musical instrument. Try rock climbing. Spend a night in the wilderness. What does blaming yourself amount to? I told you a week ago, "fine, have it your way, you are to blame!" And one week later, what are you doing? Still asking yourself if you are to blame.

 

The girl was young. You were her first. She wants to experience life. She doesn't see you as someone who fouled up things and ruined her life. She sees you as a stepping stone into her journey into men and dating. Accept that and let it go.

 

You're 25, right? What was your first job? Maybe you worked at Subway. Maybe you cut Mr. Henderson's lawn. Do you think Ed, your boss at Subway or Mr. Henderson beat themselves up after you moved on to other things?

 

Ed: My God, I gave him the best shifts. I told him he did the asiago cheese tuna sub better than anybody on payroll. Was it because I asked him to come in those two consecutive Sundays? I know he was only 18 but I envisaged such a future for us. He had the makings of Manager, heck General Manager.

[Jonp219]

Jon, you're so vulnerable at present that if you were to see some scrawl on a bathroom stall that said, "I luv U butt I dunno how2 show eat 8=====)))", you'd try to extract some personal meaning. Some of what your mom said is valid, some of it is just to make you feel better.>>>Although you were comfortable with her, she wasn't comfortable because deep down she knew she wasn't enough. (???) QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP. Quit scrambling for validation from women(I read your other post). You're not ready to date. You're not to blame for this failed romantic relationship. The only thing wrong with you is that your self-esteem is miserably low. Do as I said---invest time and energy into challenges outside of the dating world. Take on fears. Push yourself. Have you ever traveled independently to a different country? Check out some of Central America. Take a class. Learn a musical instrument. Try rock climbing. Spend a night in the wilderness. What does blaming yourself amount to? I told you a week ago, "fine, have it your way, you are to blame!" And one week later, what are you doing? Still asking yourself if you are to blame.

 

The girl was young. You were her first. She wants to experience life. She doesn't see you as someone who fouled up things and ruined her life. She sees you as a stepping stone into her journey into men and dating. Accept that and let it go.

 

You're 25, right? What was your first job? Maybe you worked at Subway. Maybe you cut Mr. Henderson's lawn. Do you think Ed, your boss at Subway or Mr. Henderson beat themselves up after you moved on to other things?

 

Ed: My God, I gave him the best shifts. I told him he did the asiago cheese tuna sub better than anybody on payroll. Was it because I asked him to come in those two consecutive Sundays? I know he was only 18 but I envisaged such a future for us. He had the makings of Manager, heck General Manager.

 

LOL no lie I probably would try to decode something like that with the way i've been thinking lately.

 

There's actually some truth to that quote. There were times I felt very complacent during my relationship. Because I always felt she needed me more than I needed her (Hmm). There were always little annoyances about her that drove me off the wall and I didn't know why. I think she sensed that, and felt uncomfortable around me. Sort of like walking on egg shells and what not.

 

I think I'm going to start investing my time into music again. I've been wanting to give producing/beat making another go. I don't know if I'm going to be leaving the country this year but i'm planning on going to Tampa in August to see some family. Hopefully that will do me some good.

 

Yes she was young but this wasn't GIGS. She left me because she was fed up with my ****.

 

Funny you mention that. My first job was in Payless and my manager was VERY hung up on me leaving when I found another job. He was talking nonsense about me for months after I left. I know because one of my old co-workers would tell me every time I would run into him. But I understand the point you're trying to make lol. Eventually we have to move on and by now I'm sure my old boss found someone he likes better than me.

[Jonp219]

Jon, your Mom is AWESOME wise! There is so much in what she said. But. It is also so unfair of her to not have been releasing her wisdom and insights to you in "chapters", since you were three years old. Why did she wait so long and dump it all on you at one time?

 

In any case, I think her message is the opposite of you being , as you put it "a ****ing *******" -- obviously I have to guess: did you mean that you identify yourself as an "effin' sumthin" (???)

 

Yes, in the past you may have thought that you knew everything; you may have been caught up in intellectual pride and arrogance -- BUT you have now (and hopefully for ever more) learned that you do not and cannot know what you do not - and therefore cannot - know. That is, hopefully you have learned the lesson of intellectual humility.

 

Your mom is also not giving you a higher teaching/understanding when she talks about there being any value in holding things together that don't belong together; or in capitulating to any fear of change or not wanting to grow and transcend old, out-dated, limiting or non-sensical belief systems,thoughts, traditions, expectations, demands, "shoulds" and "should nots".

 

If the team is dragging you down, let go of the team - it doesn't matter you emotional or familial relationship to any or all of them. "Let the dead bury the dead."

You are of MUCH more value -- to yourself and to the whole -- when you are serving the upward spiral, not the downward (dragging-you-down) one.

 

My mother is very wise indeed. It's not her fault for not instilling this wisdom in chapters throughout my life. When I was an adolescent I thought I knew everything like every other stupid teenager. All I did was cut school, run the streets, and come home late. It wasn't until I returned to college that me and my mom created a closer bond. We were always close but not like we are now.

 

She actually warned me a couple of times in the past. Once she told me, "She's a wonderful girl, but I fear that you don't see her as an equal". And ofcourse my response was, "Mom are you crazy? I love her to death you're seeing things". But honestly that's just want I WANTED to believe, I was just lying to myself (That's what I think).

 

I always saw my mom as a positive role model in my life. I'm not a mama's boy, but I hold my mother in high regard. Aside from her caring and soothing presence, there wasn't a lot about my ex that reminded me of my mother. My younger brother has been with his girlfriend for 5 years and there relationship is great. They're a team they hold each other up in every way possible. They were even Valedictorian (Her) and Salutatorian (My brother) at their high school gradation, and won Prom King and Prom Queen lol. His girl reminds me a lot of my mother, I can see why he loves her so much.

 

She has taught me the importance of not holding things together that don't belong, and being able to adapt to change. She just didn't feel like reiterating it in this speech because I'm stubborn when it comes to those things lol. She always tells me, "nothing is forever" and "the pain you feel when she passes through your thoughts isn't pain of dissonance but pain of growth" and that I have to start seeing it as such.

Edited July 11, 2015 by Jonp219

[SycamoreCircle]

LOL no lie I probably would try to decode something like that with the way i've been thinking lately.

 

There's actually some truth to that quote. There were times I felt very complacent during my relationship. Because I always felt she needed me more than I needed her (Hmm). There were always little annoyances about her that drove me off the wall and I didn't know why. I think she sensed that, and felt uncomfortable around me. Sort of like walking on egg shells and what not.

 

I think I'm going to start investing my time into music again. I've been wanting to give producing/beat making another go. I don't know if I'm going to be leaving the country this year but i'm planning on going to Tampa in August to see some family. Hopefully that will do me some good.

 

Yes she was young but this wasn't GIGS. She left me because she was fed up with my ****.

 

Funny you mention that. My first job was in Payless and my manager was VERY hung up on me leaving when I found another job. He was talking nonsense about me for months after I left. I know because one of my old co-workers would tell me every time I would run into him. But I understand the point you're trying to make lol. Eventually we have to move on and by now I'm sure my old boss found someone he likes better than me.

No one is going to argue that two people split because attraction or compatibility or communication is at an all time high. I can count on every post by you to contain some bit of self-flagellation. I'm worthless. I'm a loser. I'm responsible for her misery. Guess what? It's not attractive. It doesn't draw people to you. So, if you were an a**hole to her, beating yourself up is no corrective.

 

From the way you describe her, she sounds very naive and young. Maybe you could have been more patient with her. And maybe she just wasn't a good match for you.

 

Imagine one of those women you cold approached the other day reading some of this stuff. What would they think of you? OMG, that guy has serious baggage. Forgive yourself. Forgive her. Let go of the self-abuse. Let go of the "what ifs." Let go of searching for meaning in dirty bathroom graffiti. She's not a puppet. You can't control everything around you. In fact, you can't control anything around you. All you can control is yourself. Let go of this doomed government you're trying to enforce. Smoke some weed. Go to the beach. Observe the waves. Stop preening yourself. Stop trying to make everything perfect and governable. Let your pubic mound grow to unruly lengths. Eat too much. Fart. Sleep in. Make some beats. Think about good times.

 

[na49]

Wow, that's some powerful stuff from your mom. I do think that it's good that she told you that though. Other people see things about our significant others that we are completely blind to. They'd never tell us unless we asked them, and even if we did, when we're with them, we'd never believe it.

 

I learned a lot about my ex from my parents too. My counselor had me ask people about her. My mom actually thought that my ex wasn't as into me because she only talked about herself/her friends instead of things that WE were doing together.

 

As if you needed another reason to try to work on yourself, and fix these problems, you've got it. You probably could have done more, but you never could have done enough. So it won't help to worry about that now. How did things go with that one girl in your class?

Edited July 12, 2015 by na49

[Jonp219]

No one is going to argue that two people split because attraction or compatibility or communication is at an all time high. I can count on every post by you to contain some bit of self-flagellation. I'm worthless. I'm a loser. I'm responsible for her misery. Guess what? It's not attractive. It doesn't draw people to you. So, if you were an a**hole to her, beating yourself up is no corrective.

 

From the way you describe her, she sounds very naive and young. Maybe you could have been more patient with her. And maybe she just wasn't a good match for you.

 

Imagine one of those women you cold approached the other day reading some of this stuff. What would they think of you? OMG, that guy has serious baggage. Forgive yourself. Forgive her. Let go of the self-abuse. Let go of the "what ifs." Let go of searching for meaning in dirty bathroom graffiti. She's not a puppet. You can't control everything around you. In fact, you can't control anything around you. All you can control is yourself. Let go of this doomed government you're trying to enforce. Smoke some weed. Go to the beach. Observe the waves. Stop preening yourself. Stop trying to make everything perfect and governable. Let your pubic mound grow to unruly lengths. Eat too much. Fart. Sleep in. Make some beats. Think about good times.

 

 

You're right it isn't attractive. It's a miserable attempt to punish myself for something that has already come to pass. Maybe I'm hurting myself because it's summer and I'm stuck with the memories. Maybe I'm reminiscing old times whenever an old Spanish song plays outside my window that reminds me of her. Maybe I fear that I'm going to struggle finding a better partner while she will have no trouble finding someone better on her own. Whatever the case may be I need to keep pushing forward on this new journey. It's terribly difficult to discard 4 years of memories, but I have to keep reminding myself that the past is the past.

 

She was naive and immature, but so was I. I guess the separation was for the best. We wouldn't want to go the rest of our lives not knowing what else was out there. We were each others first REAL LTR so I guess it was bound to happen.

 

I guess it's time to focus on this music again. It's time for me to focus on jump starting my career in the human resources field. It's time for me to have new adventures and new goals for myself to build the future I want for myself. I know I'm going to have my moments of weakness. I know I'm going to run into her someday, but I will do my best to avoid it.

 

Thanks Syc.

[Jonp219]

Wow, that's some powerful stuff from your mom. I do think that it's good that she told you that though. Other people see things about our significant others that we are completely blind to. They'd never tell us unless we asked them, and even if we did, when we're with them, we'd never believe it.

 

I learned a lot about my ex from my parents too. My counselor had me ask people about her. My mom actually thought that my ex wasn't as into me because she only talked about herself/her friends instead of things that WE were doing together.

 

As if you needed another reason to try to work on yourself, and fix these problems, you've got it. You probably could have done more, but you never could have done enough. So it won't help to worry about that now. How did things go with that one girl in your class?

 

It was very powerful indeed, but I'm glad she told me that. Although it shook me to my core it's still something I needed to hear from her.

 

I remember once my mom was talking on the phone with my brothers godmother. And she was telling her how disappointed she was in my girlfriend because she felt my girl didn't like her. During that time my girlfriend didn't come to my house for over 3 months because we were on/off and we liked going out most of the times. Anyway, my mom felt my exes feelings for people in general were very wishy-washy and forced. Her mom is the same way and for years I thought she hated me because her feelings came off as fake, but that's just how women in her family are. My mom isn't like that at all she's very loving and open with everyone so I guess she saw it as a sign of things to come (sort 0f). My mom till this day doesn't know I heard that conversation, but it always stays in the back of my mind as a reminder that maybe she was right.

 

After the break-up my mom was a little disappointed though. Because since then they grew closer to each other, and my ex adored my mother even more than her own mother. Although they were very different they learned to communicate with one another but things with us didn't change. I guess that's what's most important here.

 

I never got a chance to ask that girl out lol. She never came back to class, I guess she dropped it. I just left it alone, maybe i'll run into her again someday lol.