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Breakup after dating for 4 years [updated 1 yr later 2016-07-27]

kyle014

By kyle014
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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kyle014 Member

kyle014

Posted
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Hi everyone. I've never been in a forum like this, however I don't really know what to do with my situation right now.

 

My girlfriend of 4 years decided to break up with me about 2 weeks ago. I've never had a relationship which lasted for more than 6 months in my life, but this one lasted really long and I'm still very shocked and hurt about what happened. Everything was good until about 3 months ago when my girlfriend found new friends in university. There has been a very sudden change in her attitude. For example, she would go out with her friends and drink until early in the morning many times a week. She would reschedule our dates and meet ups just so she could hang out with her friends. In our time together, she would rarely do these, but in a span of a month she has done this almost everyday. When her parents and I confronted her about this, she would say that she just wants to enjoy all these things while she's still free (she's graduating in a few months) and would want to do these things before she settles. What hurt me the most was that she decided to choose her friends, whom she'd only known for a couple of months over me who was her only friend/companion for the past 4 years. She said that she still loves me but she is not in love with me anymore. I tried to talk to her and suggested that we work this out together, do some changes if necessary just to keep it alive. I have tried "chasing" her 3 times, our talks went good, but then after a day or two of our talks she would say that she can't do it. She says that her mind is unclear and she said that she wanted some space. She said that she wanted to break up because she can't return the love that I am giving her. She said that she doesn't want to give little if I am giving way too much. I know what she's saying but it hurts so much. I told her that I (and her parents) don't like her new friends, but she keeps defending them. Now what pissed me off so much is that her guy classmate from a year ago is hitting on her and asked her out on a date for his birthday. I mean, why would she say that she respects and loves me that it would even be acceptable to date the guy who she says is nothing but a friend within just 2 weeks of breaking up with me. The guy admitted that she likes her, and she said that she likes the attention that is being given to her. I don't really know what to do anymore. I am giving her space however, I am afraid that during that time I might lose her. We talked and she said that because she respects me, she would not go on the date, however at the last minute she was asking me to allow her since it will be the first and the last date with him and she's embarrassed to turn him down.

 

If she goes on a date with him, should I just stop and walk away? Should I stop trying to save all the things that we've had for the past 4 years? Is she just undergoing a phase in life? Should I wait and do you think it is worth it? To be honest I don't really know anymore. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Have a great day!

Itspointless Established Member

Itspointless

Posted
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The guy admitted that she likes her, and she said that she likes the attention that is being given to her. I don't really know what to do anymore. I am giving her space however, I am afraid that during that time I might lose her. We talked and she said that because she respects me, she would not go on the date, however at the last minute she was asking me to allow her since it will be the first and the last date with him and she's embarrassed to turn him down. [...] Is she just undergoing a phase in life? Should I wait and do you think it is worth it?

My guess is that she is not embarrassed to turn him down, instead she feels some guild towards you. I expect her to go whatever you say about it. And yes it probably has to do with her age and the transitioning. And no you shouldn't wait for her, I am sorry but her ship is sailing away from you. Your situation unfortunately happens a lot.

 

Stop contacting her, it will only hurt you staying in contact.

 

Take care of yourself.

  • Like 2
DexterLS Established Member

DexterLS

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I have seen this type of breakup way too many times on LS. I went through a somewhat similar breakup around 3 months ago.

 

Others refer to this situation as the GIGS syndrome. However, GIGS or not, there's no point in waiting for her.

 

Stick with NC and start to heal yourself today, however hard this might be right now. Others will hate me for this but NC is the only thing you can do and also your best chance at reconciliation (if there's any).

 

All the best, buddy :)

  • Like 2
mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

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  1. If she goes on a date with him, should I just stop and walk away?
  2. Should I stop trying to save all the things that we've had for the past 4 years?
  3. Is she just undergoing a phase in life?
  4. Should I wait and do you think it is worth it?

 

 

  1. Yes. Before that happens.
  2. Yes.
  3. Yes, the moving on phase.
  4. Don't wait. That's probably the worst thing you can do.

Your particular circumstances don't really matter. She's asking for space, meaning that she wants to put distance between you and her. She likes another guy, which means that she's not crazy about you anymore. I'm sure she is sentimental about the past, and you, but she is focused on what's ahead, not what's behind. This is so normal, you wouldn't believe it. It has happened a million times before you, it will happen a million times again. You're living a typical experience that almost all of us have.

 

 

You're in a no win position. If you hang around and bug her, she's going to get sick of you, and begin to dislike you. If you turn into a ghost, she's going to act like she doesn't care about you anymore. You don't have any good options that include her. You're only option is to heal yourself of this addiction, and become your own man.

 

 

That will not be an easy road to travel. It involves cutting her off, and learning how to live without her in your life.

 

 

A good rule of thumb is that when someone tells you what you've been told, take them at their word. It wasn't an easy thing to say to you, and that's how committed she is to doing this new thing, whatever it is.

 

 

Trust me on this.

  • Like 2
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kyle014 Member

kyle014

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Holy crap, that GIGS syndrome is spot on. Thank you for this and it actually made things a bit clearer. I think moving on with my life is the best option too. It will be hard, but I will do my best. I will focus on my studies and family and I will see what happens then. I just hope I don't get those crappy sad feelings at night anymore :).

  • Like 1
lil hoodlum Established Member

lil hoodlum

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Holy crap, that GIGS syndrome is spot on. Thank you for this and it actually made things a bit clearer. I think moving on with my life is the best option too. It will be hard, but I will do my best. I will focus on my studies and family and I will see what happens then. I just hope I don't get those crappy sad feelings at night anymore :).

 

 

Good luck to you friend. Many of us have been in your shoes before.

 

 

Hang in there. The pain and heartache won't last forever.

 

 

My best advice is to heal and move on from this as quickly as you can.

  • Like 1
  • 3 months later...
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kyle014 Member

kyle014

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So 4 months ago, I was dumped by my ex. After a few weeks, she started going on a few dates with her classmate, but stating that she only wanted the attention that he is giving her. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, she told me that she asked the guy to stop because she can't get over me and just wants to be alone while she gets a hold of her life (she told me this too). And just now, my sister told me that the same guy is also trying to flirt and ruin her friend's relationship. Acting like her best friend and trying to be more than that. I'm just wondering, should I tell my ex about it? This guy is ruining other people's relationships, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea to inform her about this. Any help would be appreciated!

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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No, you don't need to inform her of anything. It's not your business. I'm assuming these people are all adults. They can deal with it.

 

I understand it's hard, but you need to let go. What she does and what happens in her friends' lives isn't your concern anymore.

NoLeafClover Established Member

NoLeafClover

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So 4 months ago, I was dumped by my ex. After a few weeks, she started going on a few dates with her classmate, but stating that she only wanted the attention that he is giving her. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, she told me that she asked the guy to stop because she can't get over me and just wants to be alone while she gets a hold of her life (she told me this too). And just now, my sister told me that the same guy is also trying to flirt and ruin her friend's relationship. Acting like her best friend and trying to be more than that. I'm just wondering, should I tell my ex about it? This guy is ruining other people's relationships, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea to inform her about this. Any help would be appreciated!

 

No snitching pls

Jersey born raised Established Member

Jersey born raised

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You are in no position to tell her.

 

Ask your sister to, you stay NC. It is the only way she will believe it.

  • 3 months later...
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kyle014 Member

kyle014

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Hi, my ex and I have been together for 4 years. As years went on and both being busy with college I guess we kinda just got so comfortable with each other and so on. She felt that our interactions/conversations got really repetitive. So she dumped me, and after a couple weeks she started seeing this guy from her class. I begged, pleaded etc etc. for about 2 months but nothing happened. Fast forward to 6 months from the breakup, now she wants to get back together. Her relationship with the guy did not work, stating that she could not get over me. I told her that I have trust issues and that I would like to see her show some effort if she really wants to get back together. I told her that we will start all over in one condition: that she remove the other guy from her life (social media, EVERYTHING). I had this condition because when we were together we already knew that the guy was interested in her but I trusted her that she won't entertain the guy, so now I am just making sure that it won't happen again. So she deleted/blocked the guy in everything around Christmas. My issue now is that she went on a vacation, and I saw that she accepted the guy's friend request on facebook. I asked her what was the reason? She stated that the guy kept bugging her and checking on her if she's safe during her vacation. She also mentioned that she will block the guy again once she gets back home. I don't know what to do. She dumped me before, and the only thing I asked was to not talk to the guy ever again, but she can't even do that. What should I do? I am not as devastated as compared to how I was 6 months ago. I was able to move on and find new friends and hobbies, but she came back and wanted to get back together. How should I handle this? Is it even worth trying?

elly key Member

elly key

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It looks like she doesn't know what she wants - either you or that guy. She might feel comfortable and safe with you, but passion from that relationship with that guy hasn't faded away so she could be still attracted to him.

The question is if you want to be with her again? She dumped you not caring about your feelings. Now she does the same - doesn't care about your feelings about communicating with that guy.

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kyle014 Member

kyle014

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It looks like she doesn't know what she wants - either you or that guy. She might feel comfortable and safe with you, but passion from that relationship with that guy hasn't faded away so she could be still attracted to him.

The question is if you want to be with her again? She dumped you not caring about your feelings. Now she does the same - doesn't care about your feelings about communicating with that guy.

 

There's a part of me that wants to get back with her. But then she keeps having reasons to keep contact with the guy (example: I can't block him off at the moment since it's the holidays, i'm unblocking him now just so he knows i'm safe). I mean what the heck, she left me for the guy once and now she wants to keep us both? This time she said this will be the last time that she will have any contact with him, but I am not sure if I can keep dealing with her ****. She said that she will change and that she would do anything to get back together. But I am not seeing any change, she's not keeping her promises.

  • 6 months later...
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kyle014 Member

kyle014

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I can't believe it's already been around a year and 1 month since I posted my first breakup post. I'm not even sure if I have completely moved on but from time to time I just get these days where I can't stop thinking about her. What's worse is that I still dream about her and how we're still in a relationship. It sucks waking up to that knowing that you have o control over it and realize that it's not real anymore and it never will be. I have definitely matured a lot more thanks to our break-up. I have learned to understand what my mistakes were and what I could have done better. I have made new friends, found new hobbies and have gotten closer to my family, but I still feel empty inside at times. I see couples around me and I always feel sad and jealous. We have been together for 4 years and it's been 5 months since I last talked to her. I told her that I am tired of trying to chase after her for half a year and she's not even trying to fix things, not putting any effort (well not as much as I do). I don't know if I should talk to her after 5 months. I just finished college and I have something to show her now. I am ready to start over, but I am not sure about how it is going to turn out. I have just been feeling empty the past year... help.

LD1990 Established Member

LD1990

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Hell no don't contact her. She treated you like a chump. She left you to go date another guy, got back together with you, and then still talked to him behind your back. Come on, he was bugging her so she had to add him on Facebook? Give me a break. Being single can be lonely sometimes, but a bit of loneliness is still better than continuing to talk to someone who lied to you over and over.

  • Like 3
Densel Established Member

Densel

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Hello.

 

Happy that you are in a better place now. Me too, post break up 8 months. It is normal to think of our ex that we still love. Its normal to feel empty. Cant help it.

 

5 months ago you last talk to your ex and she is not willing to fix things. You chased her for half year? Is she with anyone else during the half year and currently?

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kyle014 Member

kyle014

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She started seeing/dating another guy, maybe 1-2 dates? Then after our last conversation 5 months ago I am not entirely sure if they did end up together.

NoLeafClover Established Member

NoLeafClover

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This world spins only one way..this watch clicks only one way..each day turns over only forward...

How much more time you want to waste from your life looking at failed relationships from terrible partners?

You have nothing to lose but time. Each days that goes by there is a chance of another woman you could have been with..

 

There are millions...millions of women out there. Take that into your account. Why waste your time worrying about your ex? She was a terrible immature girl who needs to grow up a bit.

Please pickup yourself. Open your eyes. Life is full of opportunities and potential partners.

  • Like 1
Densel Established Member

Densel

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She started seeing/dating another guy, maybe 1-2 dates? Then after our last conversation 5 months ago I am not entirely sure if they did end up together.

 

I would suggest you let her come to you instead.

 

If you go to her, the timing might be off(new guy or she hasn't change her mind). And for half a year you chased her and she did not want to fix things. If she wants to fix things, she would let you know.

No point going to her again and again. Let her come to you. It has to come from her.

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