How do you walk away from a fight?

[LoveRefreshed]

Katie I agree with you. In my cases, it was my girlfriends attitude that was the real issue at hand. It was her flipping out over the dumbest stuff, literally turning something as much as not washing the pan on the stove because I didn't see it after doing all the rest of the dishes into a 45 minute blow out yelling match about me half assing the chore. Literally would have saved her 42 minutes of her own life if she just washed the ****ing pan her self or 44:45 of her life if she asked me to wash it.

[katiegrl]

One thing you could do is say something like "hey, you do all these great things for me all the time and I appreciate them. But, I never see you do nice things for yourself or do what you want or need. Let's go out for dinner tonight, you deserve it".

 

That won't work. There is absolutely nothing he could say that would help.....as there is no reasoning with someone when they are in that state...

 

On the other hand, when the mood is on the upswing, there is no need to say that, because according to the OP, she is great and has no complaints .....again when her mood is on the upswing.

 

She needs professional help.

[katiegrl]

RH, you are trying to assign a *rational* resolution to an *irrational* and dysfunctional situation.

 

You have a psychology degree, surely you are familiar with mood disorders and how destructive they can be.

 

She has a chemical imbalance in her brain.... and needs to see a mental health professional.

Edited July 10, 2015 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

RH, you are trying to assign a *rational* resolution to an *irrational* and dysfunctional situation.

 

You have a psychology degree, surely you are familiar with mood disorders.

 

I am not identifying this as a mood disorder based on what's written here. In fact, I doubt it. This is more likely an esteem issue. Need for external source of validation. There could be a co-morbid issue, but can't tell by this. We'd really need some history about her in terms of childhood background and other relationships.

 

And, the only way to test the theory, is to give her some of that external validation to see how she responds and if her behavior changes going forward.

[LoveRefreshed]

We'd really need some history about her in terms of childhood background and other relationships.

 

 

I totally agree and alluded to this. A big tell-tale would be if she treats other people like this. Especially family members- Her siblings, her mother, or her father.

[kendahke]

When you get in a fight with your significant other, how do you make yourself walk away? Mine will get so mad and nothing I say helps. If I say "I'm sorry", she will say "No you are not". It doesn't matter what I say, she will just use it against me. So the only thing I can do is shut up and stop talking. But that is so hard to do. I feel like I am going to explode if I do not defend myself. What tips do you have to take your mind away from the fight?

 

You remove yourself from the situation. You get up, grab your keys, walk out the door and give her radio silence for a few days. Use those days to really think long and hard about the wisdom in being with someone who cannot resolve issues like an adult.

Edited July 10, 2015 by kendahke

[kendahke]

I have tried that before. That makes her equally as angry. She says she doesn't need any extra verbiage. She just wants an apology and for me to listen. Every time I try to say anything else she just says stop talking, I don't want to hear anything you have to say.

 

Then you walk out and give her silence for a few days.

 

And use those days to rethink the wisdom in staying with her.

 

No woman's kitty is that good that you should tolerate this level of abuse.

[katiegrl]

 

**I am not identifying this as a mood disorder based on what's written here. **

 

In fact, I doubt it. This is more likely an esteem issue. Need for external source of validation. There could be a co-morbid issue, but can't tell by this. We'd really need some history about her in terms of childhood background and other relationships.

 

And, the only way to test the theory, is to give her some of that external validation to see how she responds and if her behavior changes going forward.

 

Quote in asterisk -- That's fine, but I am. Not only is there plenty of evidence in this thread to indicate that, but in his other threads as well. Taken all together = mood disorder.

 

I have LOTS of first hand experience with mood disorders such as this. LOTS.

 

I know the signs, symptoms and how destructive they can be especially when ignored or downplayed by loved ones.

 

Low self esteem? Sure probably that too.

 

But when someone swings from being totally great, having NO complaints, treating their SO like a king.......to suddenly and without warning flying into a rage because he did not pick up a piece of toilet paper? THAT goes way beyond someone suffering from merely low self esteem and a need to feel validated.

 

If you don't agree, that's your prerogative.... I just hope the OP agrees or at least considers the possibility...... otherwise nothing will change, and will probably only continue to get worse.

[autumnnight]

Diagnosing on forums is probably my biggest pet peeves. But even I am thinking Borderline, borderline, borderline while I am reading.

 

With the bathroom thing, my advice would have been look at her calmly, pick it up and throw it away, look at her calmly, then leave the house until you feel you can handle coming back.

 

And when/if she begins screaming upon your return...look at her calmly, turn around, and leave again. Zero verbal response. Zero emotion.

[kendahke]

It is not about the housework. If I am in the bathroom, and I see a piece of paper in the floor, I pick it up. I do not need to do an investigation and receive an apology, because I found a piece of paper in the floor. I'm not even positive I dropped the piece of paper. But it doesn't matter, because it is going to be a fight anyway. If I prove she dropped the paper, it will be a fight that I always have to be right. I just need to figure a way to control my feelings. If I can do that, life will be fantastic.

 

David you're in a no-win situation in this relationship.

 

You can't be in control of your feelings with someone hell bent on confrontation. When she picks up something and crowns you with it, are you going to call the police and have her charged with domestic violence?

 

She's abusive and most likely, it goes way deeper than her having issues about an effing scrap of paper on the floor. This is down to her brain wiring and chemistry, no doubt. IMO, you need to serve her up an ultimatum: either she makes an appointment with a psychiatrist and gets her head examined or you're gone for good.

[jen1447]

No offense to Dave but I'm not sure he really wants a resolution. We seem to see this more in women here but ppl sometimes post a sad or frustrating story and then mostly ignore solutions and focus on the therapy aspect of venting.

[katiegrl]

David you're in a no-win situation in this relationship.

 

You can't be in control of your feelings with someone hell bent on confrontation. When she picks up something and crowns you with it, are you going to call the police and have her charged with domestic violence?

 

***She's abusive and most likely, it goes way deeper than her having issues about an effing scrap of paper on the floor.

 

****This is down to her brain wiring and chemistry, no doubt***

 

 

. IMO, you need to serve her up an ultimatum: either she makes an appointment with a psychiatrist and gets her head examined or you're gone for good.

 

Absolutely 100% right on! No doubt!

[kendahke]

She does say she doesn't feel appreciated a lot. Like her birthday. I got her a very nice diamond pendant and chain. She tells everyone what gifts she wants, so there is no guessing wrong. If you do not get the exact gift, there will be hell to pay. But this year she asked when I bought it. I said Wednesday. She said of this week? I said yes. She was pissed I waited till three days before her birthday to buy her gift. She said if I appreciated her, I would have bought it a month ago, and waiting till the last day just shows how much I do not care about her.

 

No, showing you do not care would have been to come home empty handed and shrugging your shoulders as you sat down in front of the TV when she told you it was her birthday.

 

What would make her feel appreciated and when on the calendar does it need to take place in order for her to accept it and be content? Is it something that she should tell you or is it something you need to divine out of the ether?

 

Take for instance the "surprise weekend trip". If you picked the weekend to do it, is she going to wax apoplectic because it's not the weekend she wanted? It's supposed to be a surprise, so how can it be a surprise if she wants to control when it takes place, you know? What about the location? What if this surprise is in a location that she doesn't want to go to? Should she be consulted on where your surprise is booked? Then it won't be a surprise because she will know about it. It will again devolve into her go-to complaint of you not appreciating her because YOU CANNOT READ HER MIND. That's really what her complaints are based on.

 

The whole "surprise weekend" thing is a ruse--she's building a no-win trap for you to fall into because she will not be satisfied with what you do.

 

To remedy this situation requires a whole lot of game playing that mentally healthy adults do not engage in. You're playing a game with someone who does not value you, either by choice or by condition that she has not or will not address to rectify. She gives to get and she gives in a way that has no bearing on what you, or whoever the recipient is, wants or needs. I'm quite sure you'd rather have quiet evenings with her on a consistent basis rather than having your favorite meals cooked every day then her exploding with no warning over nothing.

[kendahke]

Quote in asterisk -- That's fine, but I am. Not only is there plenty of evidence in this thread to indicate that, but in his other threads as well. Taken all together = mood disorder.

 

I have LOTS of first hand experience with mood disorders such as this. LOTS.

 

I know the signs, symptoms and how destructive they can be especially when ignored or downplayed by loved ones.

 

Low self esteem? Sure probably that too.

 

But when someone swings from being totally great, having NO complaints, treating their SO like a king.......to suddenly and without warning flying into a rage because he did not pick up a piece of toilet paper? THAT goes way beyond someone suffering from merely low self esteem and a need to feel validated.

 

If you don't agree, that's your prerogative.... I just hope the OP agrees or at least considers the possibility...... otherwise nothing will change, and will probably only continue to get worse.

 

I think you're on the money here. Completely agree.

[Redhead14]

DavidRomero: I have reviewed your previous posts about this relationship. The Walking On Eggshells thread shares some similarities regarding her feelings and being under appreciated.

 

While I agree that her anger and ability to control is cause for concern that there may be a co-morbid issue. My theory about a self-esteem issue still stands. The other possible issue(s) cannot be determined without her history information.

 

And if secondary issues exist, there is no "layman's" way to test them. Those kinds of things need to be delved into more deeply. You might want to observe her though when she has been drinking. Is she more amenable and less angerable when she drinks? Sometimes when there is a BPD or Bi-Polar condition that exists, a partner will observe that they prefer their partner when they are drinking. Which often causes them to start enabling them because they are "more fun" to be with. It's a sticky thing to pinpoint though. You haven't mentioned drinking. Does she drink often? If so and there is another issue, she may be unconsciously self-medicating . . .

 

So, I suggest starting with the one that can be tested -- make sure you give her the appreciation she seeks and be specific -- I like it when you do X for me. It makes me feel good. Thank you". Do this as often as you can without going overboard and observe whether her behavior "improves".

 

As for co-morbid issues, the fact that you mentioned that her family loves her and your family loves her, on the surface indicates that she has good relationships outside of yours. And, yes, even if she has some kind of disorder, her family would love her, of course. But, if you are not aware of or have observed that that relationship is strained in anyway, it's unlikely she does.

 

In reviewing some of your other posts, there are some other things that have gone on in the past that may still be intruding on this relationship. That would be a very long, winding road to untangle.

 

All that being said, she does need some kind of professional counseling for anger management and conflict resolution. You probably would be well served if you did that for yourself as well Not because I think you have an anger issue, but simply to become educated about it so that you can contribute in a proactive way to resolving things between you.

 

Now, since it appears that there are so many little things that set her off, are you sure you are not contributing to the issue? I mean, you say she got made because there was a bottle left on the table, for instance. Is she feeling like she needs to pick up after you often? You get what I mean. I'm not saying you are contributing, I just want you to reflect on that a little that's all. Even if she's being nitpicky, you having to apologize often kinda indicates some shared responsibility in this. It takes two and when you're on the firing line a lot, it's easy to lose focus or the ability to think objectively.

 

It's just a small way to test things to see if you get results. If not, then it's something else. But at least, you'll be doing something proactive and not feeling helpless in the situation. There isn't really anything to lose.

 

I hope it's not something "bigger". You've been dealing with this a long time. You are a very patient man.

[davidromero43]

No offense to Dave but I'm not sure he really wants a resolution. We seem to see this more in women here but ppl sometimes post a sad or frustrating story and then mostly ignore solutions and focus on the therapy aspect of venting.

 

 

I was looking for tips on how to control my emotions. I am very happy the majority of the time. If I could just switch off my emotions, it would be so much better.

[Redhead14]

I was looking for tips on how to control my emotions. I am very happy the majority of the time. If I could just switch off my emotions, it would be so much better.

 

No one should ever switch off their emotions. Your emotions are your emotions. Doing that is putting yourself on auto-pilot, checked out. You need to process your emotions, not squash them. Sit with them for a bit and let them pass if they are overwhelming. Do something that relaxes you.

 

You have been saturated by emotions hers and yours for a long,long time. Go golfing, skiing anything you enjoy as much as you can. Take your focus off of the relationship for a while. It's in your face too much. I know that's hard when you live together, but there are ways to create a little distance.

[mightycpa]

IMO, just like with the toilet paper issue, her raging is not about why he doesn't take her on a surprise weekend. As has been mentioned, it goes much deeper.

 

When her mood is on the upswing, this does not bother her.

 

It is only when her mood is on the downswing when her brain starts going into overdrive, and when that happens, anything and everything will set her off.

 

From something as stupid as not picking up a piece of toilet paper ....to accusing the OP of not loving/appreciating her.

 

It is her mood disorder running the show, NOT anything the OP is doing or not doing.

 

She needs to see a professional and get a diagnosis as mood shifts like this (even if few and far between) are not normal, healthy or functional.

Either that, or she's just completely sick of him sometimes.

 

I was looking for tips on how to control my emotions. I am very happy the majority of the time. If I could just switch off my emotions, it would be so much better.

You might want to look into how to switch off her emotions instead.

 

Have you ever thought of taking a video of her and showing it to her later?

[katiegrl]

For whatever it's worth.

 

Common symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder:

 

- Intense emotions and mood swings

- Harmful impulsive behaviors

- Relationship problems

- Low self-worth

- A frantic fear of being left alone (abandoned)

- Aggressive behavior

 

OP....whenever you start to feel your emotions going out of control, exit the situation. Go for a run! Any form of rigorous exercise will help (releases endorphins).

 

Don't laugh but have you tried yoga? My bf is a big biker dude, but he does yoga with me now and loves it! Has even cut down on his drinking!

[loveweary11]

Never

 

I think there is something wrong with me. Why do I have to defend a piece of toilet paper on the bathroom floor, to the point of screaming. She got super angry I dropped a piece of paper on the bathroom floor. But she has crap all over the bathroom counter. Why can't I just let her rant about me not caring yada yada yada, and go to the gym. Why do I have to say "I am sorry for not seeing that piece of paper", then after a few minutes more of her ranting that I do not take care about anything yada yada yada, I explode with "look at the f*cking counter full of your sh*t!". Then the fight is on. If I could just flip a switch and shut down my feelings.

 

This is completely unacceptable.

 

Hindsight is 20/20, but you should assert yourself from day one.

 

There is no way anyone I'm with is going to yell at me over some piece of paper on the floor.

 

If I wanted a mom, I'd just move back home.

 

Anyone who is that high strung over dumb stuff shouldn't be allowed to make it past the dating stage. Ridiculous.

[xxoo]

I was looking for tips on how to control my emotions. I am very happy the majority of the time. If I could just switch off my emotions, it would be so much better.

 

I don't think you should switch them off, but rather channel them appropriately. They are telling you that something is wrong, and ignoring them won't help anything.

 

State your frustration, tell her you need a break, and take a break. Go do something that helps you chill out: exercise, walk, play guitar, etc.

 

Come back and bring up the topic again, trying to work through it together without any yelling and crap. Rinse and repeat.

[LoveRefreshed]

The minute a tantrum starts, discussion is over. They are trying to use emotional rage to get their way. Like I said man, control your emotions. It's not some trick to doing it, it takes active thought. "I will not yell, I will not yell, I'm sorry you're upset about the toilet paper on the floor, but is it really worth this much anger? To me, it's not." Notice it's not an apology about the paper on the floor, just a general empathic apology about her reaction.

[Redhead14]

For whatever it's worth.

 

Common symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder:

 

- Intense emotions and mood swings

- Harmful impulsive behaviors

- Relationship problems

- Low self-worth

- A frantic fear of being left alone (abandoned)

- Aggressive behavior

 

OP....whenever you start to feel your emotions going out of control, exit the situation. Go for a run! Any form of rigorous exercise will help (releases endorphins).

 

Don't laugh but have you tried yoga? My bf is a big biker dude, but he does yoga with me now and loves it! Has even cut down on his drinking!

 

DavidRomero: These are indeed "symptoms" of BPD, Bi-Polarism, Attachment issues, depression, narcissism, and a myriad of other things. And, really, if these things are present, she would have or had relationship troubles, school troubles, etc. outside of the marriage. If she's not had or having any troubles outside of the marriage, it's more likely to be about this relationship. All these types of things don't happen or show up overnight or over the course of a few years, they were present before on some level.

 

But in order for you to feel less helpless, if you attempt to be proactive you'll feel less so. So, try to take the "easiest" possibility and see if you get results. If the problem gets better at least, and there are "bigger" issues, you'll have addressed one thing and taken some pressure off so that you can decide whether or not she really needs some professional help. She does need some anyway for the anger, etc., but if she's feeling a little bit better you may be able to talk to her at some point about counseling for you both. Right now, you won't be able to do that for sure.

[GemmaUK]

I remember the Walking on Eggshells thread.

 

OP, going back to basics here are you still unable to get rid of your own empty bottles and put the lid on the toothpaste on a regular basis?

 

 

Is there a health reason why you were unable to pick up the piece of toilet tissue?

 

I don't understand why you are unable to do these things.

What's the problem with picking up after yourself? Do you consider it her job to do that?

 

I think the bigger issues here are just a culmination of so many smaller ones where you take no responsibility for all those little things that make life living together easy and amicable.

[katiegrl]

DavidRomero: These are indeed "symptoms" of BPD, Bi-Polarism, Attachment issues, depression, narcissism, and a myriad of other things. And, really, if these things are present, she would have or had relationship troubles, school troubles, etc. outside of the marriage. If she's not had or having any troubles outside of the marriage, it's more likely to be about this relationship. All these types of things don't happen or show up overnight or over the course of a few years, they were present before on some level.

 

But in order for you to feel less helpless, if you attempt to be proactive you'll feel less so. So, try to take the "easiest" possibility and see if you get results. If the problem gets better at least, and there are "bigger" issues, you'll have addressed one thing and taken some pressure off so that you can decide whether or not she really needs some professional help. She does need some anyway for the anger, etc., but if she's feeling a little bit better you may be able to talk to her at some point about counseling for you both. Right now, you won't be able to do that for sure.

 

Your first paragraph -- different day. different thought.

 

RH, you make a good point. If these outbursts, etc are only limited to their relationship and not her other relationships, that is very telling. That would indicate it is the way "they" interact *together* that is causing the chaos.

 

Some people are just toxic *together.* With other people with whom they are more compatible, they're completely different and things are more harmonious.

 

But some couples just bring out the worst in each other. They could love each other to death, but still bring out the worst in each other.

 

It's no one's "fault" per se, just a clash in personalities.

 

OP, have you considered couples therapy? To help you guys understand each other better, and learn a more healthy way of communcating besides your both losing your tempers and lashing out at each other?