xxoo Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 YOU have to calm all this down, not ramp it up when you are obviously in the wrong. But is he obviously in the wrong? I live with 3 other people (husband and 2 kids). If I got this worked up over a square of tp on the floor, I'd be choosing to be miserable. 1
katiegrl Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 99% of the time, if an argument escalates over something so small, it's not about that at all. There is something else brewing in the background. It a bigger issue, but little things poke and pick at it. There is an open wound and salt is getting in it. I agree it's a bigger issue. But that is no excuse for her behaving like a three-year old, ranting and raging, jeez. If she has issues with the OP, she needs to discuss them with him like a mature adult. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I agree it's a bigger issue. But that is no excuse for her behaving like a three-year old, ranting and raging, jeez. If she has issues with the OP, she needs to discuss them with him like a mature adult. Oh, I agree with that. And that's also part of a bigger issue he has to deal with . . .
GorillaTheater Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Oh, I agree with that. And that's also part of a bigger issue he has to deal with . . . Have I mentioned before that I think she's a BPD nutcase? That could potentially be an issue. 1
Author davidromero43 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 99% of the time, if an argument escalates over something so small, it's not about that at all. There is something else brewing in the background. It a bigger issue, but little things poke and pick at it. There is an open wound and salt is getting in it. She does say she doesn't feel appreciated a lot. Like her birthday. I got her a very nice diamond pendant and chain. She tells everyone what gifts she wants, so there is no guessing wrong. If you do not get the exact gift, there will be hell to pay. But this year she asked when I bought it. I said Wednesday. She said of this week? I said yes. She was pissed I waited till three days before her birthday to buy her gift. She said if I appreciated her, I would have bought it a month ago, and waiting till the last day just shows how much I do not care about her.
gaius Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 No reasonable, rational person rags on a person they allegedly love for minutes on end over such mickey mouse crap. I think they do if they're looking for a certain response. Foreplay in a way. Seems like lost knowledge nowadays though. Which is unfortunate. For women.
GorillaTheater Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I think they do if they're looking for a certain response. Foreplay in a way. Seems like lost knowledge nowadays though. Which is unfortunate. For women. You might be right. My wife doesn't angle to get laid that way; her routine is usually to do a lot of bending over in front of me. But I have heard of this sort of thing before. I've had friend or two say that their wives we're giving them such a hard time over some nonsense that they really had no choice but to bend them over the couch. And hell, if nothing else it beats a fight. As long as LEOs and ROs don't become part of picture afterwards.
katiegrl Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 She does say she doesn't feel appreciated a lot. Like her birthday. I got her a very nice diamond pendant and chain. She tells everyone what gifts she wants, so there is no guessing wrong. If you do not get the exact gift, there will be hell to pay. But this year she asked when I bought it. I said Wednesday. She said of this week? I said yes. She was pissed I waited till three days before her birthday to buy her gift. She said if I appreciated her, I would have bought it a month ago, and waiting till the last day just shows how much I do not care about her. Okay David, this is just sick, and there is no reasoning with a person like this. She has a mental disorder and I am not saying this to be flip. This is absolutely without a doubt a symptom of borderline personality disorder like gorilla said. DO NOT ignore this... she will destroy you emotionally if you allow this to continue. 2
xxoo Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 She does say she doesn't feel appreciated a lot. Like her birthday. I got her a very nice diamond pendant and chain. She tells everyone what gifts she wants, so there is no guessing wrong. If you do not get the exact gift, there will be hell to pay. But this year she asked when I bought it. I said Wednesday. She said of this week? I said yes. She was pissed I waited till three days before her birthday to buy her gift. She said if I appreciated her, I would have bought it a month ago, and waiting till the last day just shows how much I do not care about her. What does she get you for your birthday? She sounds incredibly self absorbed, and miserable. Not your fault, of course. Self absorbed people usually are miserable.
katiegrl Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Okay David, this is just sick, and there is no reasoning with a person like this. She has a mental disorder and I am not saying this to be flip. This is absolutely without a doubt a symptom of borderline personality disorder like gorilla said. DO NOT ignore this... she will destroy you emotionally if you allow this to continue. To add.....why do you stay? What does that say about you that you are choosing to remain in this toxic relationship? Was it ever good? What do you get out of it? Do you enjoy the chaos and drama..... albeit subconsciously? I dunno, many people do. Just sain. 2
GorillaTheater Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 To add.....why do you stay? What does that say about you that you are choosing to remain in this toxic relationship? Was it ever good? What do you get out of it? Do you enjoy the chaos and drama..... albeit subconsciously? I dunno, many people do. Just sain. I agree. David, at some point you stop being a victim and instead become a volunteer. I think you've already crossed that threshold.
Author davidromero43 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 What does she get you for your birthday? She sounds incredibly self absorbed, and miserable. Not your fault, of course. Self absorbed people usually are miserable. She always gets me something very nice. She really goes out of her way to plan everything. She does a lot for me. She is always doing things for everyone. She is great in that regard. 1
Author davidromero43 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 To add.....why do you stay? What does that say about you that you are choosing to remain in this toxic relationship? Was it ever good? What do you get out of it? Do you enjoy the chaos and drama..... albeit subconsciously? I dunno, many people do. Just sain. When she is not angry, she treats me like a king. About 80% of the time it is fantastic. Then one day it explodes without warning. 1
jen1447 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 When you get in a fight with your significant other, how do you make yourself walk away? Mine will get so mad and nothing I say helps. If I say "I'm sorry", she will say "No you are not". It doesn't matter what I say, she will just use it against me. So the only thing I can do is shut up and stop talking. But that is so hard to do. I feel like I am going to explode if I do not defend myself. What tips do you have to take your mind away from the fight? The best way to avoid fights (and thus to not have to worry about how to back away from them) is to not be where there are fights in the first place. No one can prevent that 100% of the time, but in your case, married to an apparently crazy person, you're not avoiding it any percent of the time. Moral of the story: get out of your situation if it really is what you say it is. Or get used to getting your ass kicked and being frustrated. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 When she is not angry, she treats me like a king. About 80% of the time it is fantastic. Then one day it explodes without warning. She's treating you like a king 80% of the time while squashing whatever is bothering her about the relationship or some other stressor until she just can't do it anymore. The cork pops.
xxoo Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 When she is not angry, she treats me like a king. About 80% of the time it is fantastic. Then one day it explodes without warning. I believe that people act miserable when they are miserable. This doesn't excuse your wife's behavior at all, but is simply an observation. Why is she miserable? What is the underlying issue? It is insecurity, as it sounds it may be based on some of your previous threads? Getting to the root issue, either with therapy or meds or something else, would make your wife a more content person, and improve your marriage.
Redhead14 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 She's treating you like a king 80% of the time while squashing whatever is bothering her about the relationship or some other stressor until she just can't do it anymore. The cork pops. If she is accommodating your needs 80% of the time and making you feel like a king, she's only tending to her needs or having her needs met by you 20% of the time. Balance? There's something wrong somewhere in all this . . .
Author davidromero43 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 She's treating you like a king 80% of the time while squashing whatever is bothering her about the relationship or some other stressor until she just can't do it anymore. The cork pops. One thing she complains about is that she does more for other people than they do for her. And she does. She will walk a little old lady across the street and carry her bags all the way home. She will get my favorite meal almost every night. I will surprise her with flowers often. I will take her to eat at her favorite restaurant. But then one day she will be pissed and say I do not appreciate anything she does. That I never do anything special for her. Then I have to remind her of things I have done. She says "I'm telling you how I feel. It is not about you. I feel you do not appreciate me.". And then its a fight because I reminded her of things I do for her, instead of just apologizing.
Redhead14 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 One thing she complains about is that she does more for other people than they do for her. And she does. She will walk a little old lady across the street and carry her bags all the way home. She will get my favorite meal almost every night. I will surprise her with flowers often. I will take her to eat at her favorite restaurant. But then one day she will be pissed and say I do not appreciate anything she does. That I never do anything special for her. Then I have to remind her of things I have done. She says "I'm telling you how I feel. It is not about you. I feel you do not appreciate me.". And then its a fight because I reminded her of things I do for her, instead of just apologizing. One thing she complains about is that she does more for other people than they do for her -- Yep. She is taking care of everybody else and neglecting her own needs. This is common in young women especially. She stretches herself too thin. When they over give they can't get enough appreciation. The more they do, the more appreciation they expect. The reason for that is she needs outside validation for some reason. Oftentimes they do things for people that don't want what she does. So why would they appreciate it. This could be rooted in self-esteem . . . 1
Author davidromero43 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 Oftentimes they do things for people that don't want what she does. So why would they appreciate it. She does this a lot. I will come home and she will have all my dress shirts hanging in the closet fresh from the dry cleaners, that I have not worn in a year and will not be wearing any time soon. Then she will ask why I never take her on a surprise weekend getaway. If I appreciated her, I would have planned something for her. And then it is a fight, because I didn't plan a surprise weekend, and I obviously do not appreciate her.
katiegrl Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) One thing she complains about is that she does more for other people than they do for her. And she does. She will walk a little old lady across the street and carry her bags all the way home. She will get my favorite meal almost every night. I will surprise her with flowers often. I will take her to eat at her favorite restaurant. ****But then one day she will be pissed and say I do not appreciate anything she does. That I never do anything special for her. **** Then I have to remind her of things I have done. She says "I'm telling you how I feel. It is not about you. I feel you do not appreciate me.". And then its a fight because I reminded her of things I do for her, instead of just apologizing. Severe mood swings = some sort of mental disorder. Even if those mood swings are few and far between, when the mood is on the downswing, it can be very destructive and detrimental to the relationship. Encourage her (calmly) to see a professional. Bring it up when her mood is good, NOT in the middle of a fight. Good luck! Edited July 10, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Redhead14 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 She does this a lot. I will come home and she will have all my dress shirts hanging in the closet fresh from the dry cleaners, that I have not worn in a year and will not be wearing any time soon. Then she will ask why I never take her on a surprise weekend getaway. If I appreciated her, I would have planned something for her. And then it is a fight, because I didn't plan a surprise weekend, and I obviously do not appreciate her. she will ask why I never take her on a surprise weekend getaway -- Well, how would you know she wanted a surprise weekend getaway because he did your dress shirts? She's doing things to be appreciated with a specific reward in mind, without communicating what her needs and wants are. And, when she does communicate them, she does it wrong. She basically criticizes you for not knowing what she wants. You're not a mind-reader. What do you do though that shows her you appreciate her?
Redhead14 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 One thing you could do is say something like "hey, you do all these great things for me all the time and I appreciate them. But, I never see you do nice things for yourself or do what you want or need. Let's go out for dinner tonight, you deserve it". 2
LoveRefreshed Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 There is one poster who sounds like an enraged feminist who thinks this is a case of you expecting your wife to do all the house work. I personally don't see that as the case. I also tend to think that 'cleanliness' is a threshold level where men typically tolerate things a bit more disordered and thus, we are perceived to clean less. I don't know, I mean this isn't always the case, but I think pretty common. In your case, I dated a girl who had these huge anger outbursts on me and her family. Does your wife throw tantrums at other people as well? This is a good indicator if it is your behavior or hers that is critical to these moments. It's never just one persons fault, as you say, and as I did, you let your wife get you riled up to her level. To the point you lose the 'moral high ground', if you will. I think it is a way of defending their attitude by saying "You were being just as mean!". I stopped doing it. I remained peaceful, and wow did this piss her off a lot of the time. Sometimes, she would calm down and relax. So I like some advice here to just try your best not to rage. Actually think about it when you're being scolded. Repeat in your head to remain calm, over and over and then speak. 2
katiegrl Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 she will ask why I never take her on a surprise weekend getaway -- Well, how would you know she wanted a surprise weekend getaway because he did your dress shirts? She's doing things to be appreciated with a specific reward in mind, without communicating what her needs and wants are. And, when she does communicate them, she does it wrong. She basically criticizes you for not knowing what she wants. You're not a mind-reader. What do you do though that shows her you appreciate her? IMO, just like with the toilet paper issue, her raging is not about why he doesn't take her on a surprise weekend. As has been mentioned, it goes much deeper. When her mood is on the upswing, this does not bother her. It is only when her mood is on the downswing when her brain starts going into overdrive, and when that happens, anything and everything will set her off. From something as stupid as not picking up a piece of toilet paper ....to accusing the OP of not loving/appreciating her. It is her mood disorder running the show, NOT anything the OP is doing or not doing. She needs to see a professional and get a diagnosis as mood shifts like this (even if few and far between) are not normal, healthy or functional. 4
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