davidromero43 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 When you get in a fight with your significant other, how do you make yourself walk away? Mine will get so mad and nothing I say helps. If I say "I'm sorry", she will say "No you are not". It doesn't matter what I say, she will just use it against me. So the only thing I can do is shut up and stop talking. But that is so hard to do. I feel like I am going to explode if I do not defend myself. What tips do you have to take your mind away from the fight?
confused000 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Welcome to my world. If we get into an argument or fight, I have to apologize no matter what. She has to be right and I have to agree with her. If I don't, she holds it against me. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I take a deep breath & say I'm going to ________ (go for a walk, go in the other room, etc) before I say something that there will be no coming back from. When I have calmed down maybe we can talk about this more rationally. 2
GorillaTheater Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I feel like I am going to explode if I do not defend myself. You need to change your entire mindset and approach. You "win" by not playing the game in the first place. I'm pretty sure I've posted to you before that I think your wife is a BPD nutcase and I don't think you necessarily agree, so take what I say with a grain of salt if you want. I think that if something is so petty that it's not worth fighting about it in the first place, you laugh it off and find something else to do. You don't apologize, and you don't engage. It takes two to fight, and you simply decline to participate. What do you gain by "defending" yourself? What's in it for you, besides blood pressure issues? Have you ever been successful at getting your wife to see your side of things? 7
Author davidromero43 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 Have you ever been successful at getting your wife to see your side of things? Never I think there is something wrong with me. Why do I have to defend a piece of toilet paper on the bathroom floor, to the point of screaming. She got super angry I dropped a piece of paper on the bathroom floor. But she has crap all over the bathroom counter. Why can't I just let her rant about me not caring yada yada yada, and go to the gym. Why do I have to say "I am sorry for not seeing that piece of paper", then after a few minutes more of her ranting that I do not take care about anything yada yada yada, I explode with "look at the f*cking counter full of your sh*t!". Then the fight is on. If I could just flip a switch and shut down my feelings.
Redhead14 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 When you get in a fight with your significant other, how do you make yourself walk away? Mine will get so mad and nothing I say helps. If I say "I'm sorry", she will say "No you are not". It doesn't matter what I say, she will just use it against me. So the only thing I can do is shut up and stop talking. But that is so hard to do. I feel like I am going to explode if I do not defend myself. What tips do you have to take your mind away from the fight? First of all, as soon as the arguments becomes emotionally charged, you have to simply say "I'm getting too emotional now. Can we step back from this for a little while so that we can calm down and get clear headed?" Diffuse it as soon as it escalates. And, then say, "I want to resolve this with you so let's circle back on this in an hour (or tomorrow, whatever you need in order to get centered again). If you do this before it escalates and before you find yourself in a position to be apologizing, it will be more manageable. How do you take your mind away from it? You focus on something else for a while. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Do the opposite of what you think. Instead of yelling make a conscious effort to whisper. The louder she gets, the quieter you get. This worked for me with my mom who was a bit unstable some times. 2
PogoStick Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 End the relationship. Date a girl who is mature enough to have a relationship. 4
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Never I think there is something wrong with me. Why do I have to defend a piece of toilet paper on the bathroom floor, to the point of screaming. She got super angry I dropped a piece of paper on the bathroom floor. But she has crap all over the bathroom counter. Why can't I just let her rant about me not caring yada yada yada, and go to the gym. Why do I have to say "I am sorry for not seeing that piece of paper", then after a few minutes more of her ranting that I do not take care about anything yada yada yada, I explode with "look at the f*cking counter full of your sh*t!". Then the fight is on. If I could just flip a switch and shut down my feelings. Ok, you just pick up the paper YOU dropped. NO need to defend anything, why are you doing that? This again seems to be about housework and you not pulling your weight. Paper on the bathroom floor needs picked up whoever dropped it, no-one gets a free pass to just ignore it and wait for someone else to do it. Why are you going on the offensive when it was obviously YOUR mistake? Take responsibility for how the house looks and do not just assume it all gets tidied by itself and you can just swan in and out.
GorillaTheater Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Never I think there is something wrong with me. Why do I have to defend a piece of toilet paper on the bathroom floor, to the point of screaming. She got super angry I dropped a piece of paper on the bathroom floor. But she has crap all over the bathroom counter. Why can't I just let her rant about me not caring yada yada yada, and go to the gym. Why do I have to say "I am sorry for not seeing that piece of paper", then after a few minutes more of her ranting that I do not take care about anything yada yada yada, I explode with "look at the f*cking counter full of your sh*t!". Then the fight is on. If I could just flip a switch and shut down my feelings. "You're going to rag on me for a piece of toilet paper when I can't find room on the bathroom counter to put my comb? :laugh:" You're saying the same thing, but without anger and without cussing. And at that point you wander off because you have better things to do. She likes it when you get pisses off. It satisfies the need she apparently has for you to be the ogre of the story. So don't take the bait. 4
katiegrl Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Never I think there is something wrong with me. Why do I have to defend a piece of toilet paper on the bathroom floor, to the point of screaming. She got super angry I dropped a piece of paper on the bathroom floor. But she has crap all over the bathroom counter. Why can't I just let her rant about me not caring yada yada yada, and go to the gym. Why do I have to say "I am sorry for not seeing that piece of paper", then after a few minutes more of her ranting that I do not take care about anything yada yada yada, I explode with "look at the f*cking counter full of your sh*t!". Then the fight is on. If I could just flip a switch and shut down my feelings. Oh man, she sounds toxic, sorry. Ranting because you neglected to pick up a piece of toilet paper? Really???? No you don't even begin to defend yourself against this.....you say nothing, and leave. There is just no point. How stupid. When you return, tell her if she doesn't seek help for her anger issues, you will consider leaving. Dude, this is why some men suffer early heart attacks ..... you need to stop the insanity by refusing to partake in it. Stay strong! 1
Keenly Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Ok, you just pick up the paper YOU dropped. NO need to defend anything, why are you doing that? This again seems to be about housework and you not pulling your weight. Paper on the bathroom floor needs picked up whoever dropped it, no-one gets a free pass to just ignore it and wait for someone else to do it. Why are you going on the offensive when it was obviously YOUR mistake? Take responsibility for how the house looks and do not just assume it all gets tidied by itself and you can just swan in and out. So you're saying her behavior is acceptable? If there is paper on the bathroom floor, and it doesn't bother him, but it bothers her, she is the one with the problem. If she'd rather start an argument than just pick it up then that is on her. Clearly the guy didn't just throw it down and leave it there. Seriously, we're fighting over toilet paper? That's what I would say. 1
xxoo Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Never I think there is something wrong with me. Why do I have to defend a piece of toilet paper on the bathroom floor, to the point of screaming. She got super angry I dropped a piece of paper on the bathroom floor. But she has crap all over the bathroom counter. Why can't I just let her rant about me not caring yada yada yada, and go to the gym. Why do I have to say "I am sorry for not seeing that piece of paper", then after a few minutes more of her ranting that I do not take care about anything yada yada yada, I explode with "look at the f*cking counter full of your sh*t!". Then the fight is on. If I could just flip a switch and shut down my feelings. It's ridiculous, so just chuckle and shake your head and move on. Make a joke, like Gorillatheater's example above. Or make a joke that doesn't mention her mess, like: "Oh, I need that piece of tp on the floor. Very important. Thanks for reminding me." Just don't engage the fight. She can't fight with herself. 1
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 So you're saying her behavior is acceptable? If there is paper on the bathroom floor, and it doesn't bother him, but it bothers her, she is the one with the problem. If she'd rather start an argument than just pick it up then that is on her. Clearly the guy didn't just throw it down and leave it there. Seriously, we're fighting over toilet paper? That's what I would say. I am saying that if she is so anal that toilet paper on the floor bothers her then why is he poking the beast by immediately going on the offensive over HIS mistake here? From his other posts, she is obviously fed up of lot of the stuff he does or doesn't do in the house, not just toilet paper and pulls him up on it. He reacts badly and blows up and she, I guess, is getting more and more frustrated and annoyed. Houses are not only to be kept tidy by women, men do not get a free pass just by shouting the odds and labelling the wife crazy. She, I guess now feels like his mother going around telling him to tidy up, and she will not be enjoying the role of domestic servant either. He either acknowledges that he needs to pull his weight and show her he is doing so, or this is going to end in the divorce courts
Author davidromero43 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 "You're going to rag on me for a piece of toilet paper when I can't find room on the bathroom counter to put my comb? :laugh:" You're saying the same thing, but without anger and without cussing. I have tried that before. That makes her equally as angry. She says she doesn't need any extra verbiage. She just wants an apology and for me to listen. Every time I try to say anything else she just says stop talking, I don't want to hear anything you have to say.
Keenly Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I have tried that before. That makes her equally as angry. She says she doesn't need any extra verbiage. She just wants an apology and for me to listen. Every time I try to say anything else she just says stop talking, I don't want to hear anything you have to say. Where are your testicles? Why are you tolerating this? She must be great in the sack, otherwise you're in a lose lose deal. 2
caringsister Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Give her fair warning that the next time she goes off on you your goi g to leave until she cools off and can speak to you in a calm and respectful manner. If she wants to continue ranting and raving just quietly walk out, get in your car and go to the gym, or run errands, do something else with your time. If she calls your cell do not answer it. Don't engage in texting. Just be scilent. When you return home go about your business refusing to fight. Do this everytime and she will get the message that if she has an issue she can speak to you in a calm, respectful manner or not at all. She'll get the message. It might take a while, but she'll get it.
xxoo Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I have tried that before. That makes her equally as angry. She says she doesn't need any extra verbiage. She just wants an apology and for me to listen. Every time I try to say anything else she just says stop talking, I don't want to hear anything you have to say. "I right there with you, babe."
katiegrl Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) Ok, you just pick up the paper YOU dropped. NO need to defend anything, why are you doing that? This again seems to be about housework and you not pulling your weight. Paper on the bathroom floor needs picked up whoever dropped it, no-one gets a free pass to just ignore it and wait for someone else to do it. Why are you going on the offensive when it was obviously YOUR mistake? Take responsibility for how the house looks and do not just assume it all gets tidied by itself and you can just swan in and out. elaine, it sounds like the OP just used the toilet paper issue as an example .... Any woman who continues to rage about stupid shyt like this, has issues that go way deeper than him simply not picking up a damn piece of toilet paper. Edited July 10, 2015 by katiegrl 2
gaius Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I've noticed most times women start a fight with you over nothing they're seeking a little domination. So walking away or just agreeing probably isn't going to help much. I'd suggest if she tells you to stop talking you tell her that right back and then make your point even if you just completely talk over her. If she hits you grab and restrain her, take her to the couch or bed and toss her down on it. Don't say anything nasty to the point she'll never forget it but by all means return her disrespect with some of your own. Always works out better for me in the end, even if it turns into a huge blowout. It's what she wants, what she needs, and you're not giving it to her.
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I have tried that before. That makes her equally as angry. She says she doesn't need any extra verbiage. She just wants an apology and for me to listen. Every time I try to say anything else she just says stop talking, I don't want to hear anything you have to say. That is because you are in the wrong. If we take for instance the toilet paper incident. Who dropped the toilet paper? - you. Who didn't pick it up? - you. She calls you out on it and you start shouting or back chat her like a 10 year old. OF COURSE she is going to be annoyed and angry. If you came home and found she had spilled yoghurt all over your new lap top and she expected you to clean it up and when you called her out on it, she started shouting and telling you how she cannot move for your sh*t, how would you feel? - angry and annoyed I bet. YOU have to calm all this down, not ramp it up when you are obviously in the wrong. If housework is causing you problems, get a cleaner.
Author davidromero43 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 Where are your testicles? Why are you tolerating this? She must be great in the sack, otherwise you're in a lose lose deal. Which is why I explode after a while. I need to turn that off somehow.
Redhead14 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Never I think there is something wrong with me. Why do I have to defend a piece of toilet paper on the bathroom floor, to the point of screaming. She got super angry I dropped a piece of paper on the bathroom floor. But she has crap all over the bathroom counter. Why can't I just let her rant about me not caring yada yada yada, and go to the gym. Why do I have to say "I am sorry for not seeing that piece of paper", then after a few minutes more of her ranting that I do not take care about anything yada yada yada, I explode with "look at the f*cking counter full of your sh*t!". Then the fight is on. If I could just flip a switch and shut down my feelings. 99% of the time, if an argument escalates over something so small, it's not about that at all. There is something else brewing in the background. It a bigger issue, but little things poke and pick at it. There is an open wound and salt is getting in it. 1
GorillaTheater Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 That is because you are in the wrong. If we take for instance the toilet paper incident. Who dropped the toilet paper? - you. Who didn't pick it up? - you. She calls you out on it and you start shouting or back chat her like a 10 year old. OF COURSE she is going to be annoyed and angry. If you came home and found she had spilled yoghurt all over your new lap top and she expected you to clean it up and when you called her out on it, she started shouting and telling you how she cannot move for your sh*t, how would you feel? - angry and annoyed I bet. YOU have to calm all this down, not ramp it up when you are obviously in the wrong. If housework is causing you problems, get a cleaner. There's a pretty significant difference between a piece of toilet paper on the floor and yogurt all over a new lap top, in terms of potential $ if nothing else. We have to pick the hills we're willing to die on, and mine's not going to be a scrap of paper. If he knew the paper was on the floor, you might have a point, but even then the act doesn't merit her apparent response. No reasonable, rational person rags on a person they allegedly love for minutes on end over such mickey mouse crap. 2
Author davidromero43 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 If housework is causing you problems, get a cleaner. It is not about the housework. If I am in the bathroom, and I see a piece of paper in the floor, I pick it up. I do not need to do an investigation and receive an apology, because I found a piece of paper in the floor. I'm not even positive I dropped the piece of paper. But it doesn't matter, because it is going to be a fight anyway. If I prove she dropped the paper, it will be a fight that I always have to be right. I just need to figure a way to control my feelings. If I can do that, life will be fantastic.
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