My Girlfriend Left Me to go back to Her Ex

[Katarn]

There is a tldr version at the bottom for those who wouldn’t want to read the full text. But the main text is there for a reason, so please read through.

 

Well, the title. We are both 19, we met in college, and we dated for two months. We got to third base and the I love you stage. Before me she had only been in one relationship which lasted 4-5 years. Her ex had been physically abusive to her and her male friends, she had caught him cheating on her a couple of times, and he had been causing her a lot of drama at home because her parents disagreed with her being with a guy of his reputation. She claimed that her insecurities and her illusion of love had made her stay with him for that long. After they broke up, she had been single for some six months, and then she met me. We broke up some twenty days ago because she said she had been having intense dreams and recollections of her ex. And while she was reluctant to tell me at first, I got it out of her that they were sexual dreams. She said these were troubling her to the point where she wanted to seek professional help. During this emotional turmoil she had realized that she was not yet ready for a relationship and has in the process lost her feelings for me. She told me that she couldn’t help how she felt. I actually believed her, and mourned the fact we had met at such a wrong time. Until I learned that, within a week, well, <title>.

I am over her and I am mostly over the memories. Part of this comes from her turning out to have been a manipulative girl, and part of it comes from the fact that I knew I did not intend for us to be lifelong partners. I was not looking for a wife; I was looking for a girlfriend. I don’t mean as in ‘use her, I mean it as in two, compatible young people having fun and growing together. We’re nineteen; it is evident that relationships won’t be commenced with the premise of marriage. But we were very good together. We had fun, and we had plenty of mutual interests. We definitely could have frolicked through a lovely summertime – and probably even longer.

While we were together she was delighted to be with me; she admitted to having had a crush on me a whole semester prior to us actually meeting in person. She was devoted and sweet – the absolute best girlfriend one could wish for. I remember how she adapted to my preferences and style. She even promised to quit her vices since I minded her doing what she did (let’s leave vices at that). I remember her exclaiming fear over me leaving her for a better girl. When I told her I would not leave her, I actually meant it. I passed on a couple of opportunities because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt someone so sweet and fragile. How did that turn out, <title>

Then, a week-or-two prior to our breakup, she started acting inexplicably bitchy. She even avoided going out with me. We were as happy as ever, minus the stress of finals, when she started acting out. This was such an abrupt change in her behavior, and it came out of the blue. When we finally sat down to discuss this issue, I told her that because we had gone through a stressful period (including finals), I was willing to put the past turmoil behind and give her another chance. She refused. In hindsight, I can’t tell whether she played me to get me so attached to her, but she definitely played me so that we would break up. She knew what she was doing. She actually winced when I told her I’d give her a second chance.

I don’t feel sad, but I feel incredibly enraged. I am easily angered and I get in states of profuse wrath.

How am I a second to the guy she went back to?! For Heaven’s sakes he abused her physically and emotionally. Once they broke up, he became such an aggressive stalker that her parents always picked her up by car in fear he might do something to her. He is a young adult, who doesn’t go to college, barely passed high school, doesn’t have a job, doesn’t look for a job, and lives with his parents. I’m not making this up. What he does all day is take beautiful selfies and chase girls who had had a crush on him back in high school. And no, his parents are not rich. They are, in fact, economically below average. What a provider! Wow, what girl wouldn’t want to be with a promiscuous guy who neither earns money nor has the potential to earn a whole lot?

And I know what you’ll say – if he was a bully, then he probably shows off other masculine traits such as physical dominance and protection… the thing is, he does not look like a tough guy (even though I’ve seen him try). I am not trying to just say bad things about him; this is actually true. And if testosterone is what someone is looking for, wouldn’t a 5’7” Hayden Christensen who skips leg-day be kind of a bad choice?

I have encountered this guy. I had only been going out with her for two weeks or so when he ran into us in a mall. He was hostile but left soon after. Or so we thought… He had actually stalked us to a bus stop and decided to invade our space while we were sitting on a bench. I was in absolute disadvantage if we were to fight because – duh, I was sitting down and my right arm was around my date. But I made the risk of cold reading, and I realized that such a paragon of fake confidence would not want to mess with a guy who holds his ground. He tried to be intimidating; he tried to threaten me, and failed. He eventually left, raging.

Tell me how he has proven in any way, social, masculine, or physical, superior to me. On what premise did she decide he was the better option some two months after?

And during the ‘incident’ where he threatened and raved and took aggressive sips of water from his plastic bottle, she kept telling him to back off, that they were over, she would call her father… She didn’t just sit there and enjoy the scene, she took my side. She didn’t have to, but she did. After that she was shaken and worried I might have second thoughts about her, considering what I had just witnessed. She told me he might try to trashtalk or gossip me out of liking her. She kept assuring me that she was mine; they were over; they were nothing but unwanted history. I believed her.

To add insult to injury, I even got into arguments with my parents over the perils I was plunging myself into by being with her. A man who has nothing has nothing to lose. Cowards make the most horrible crimes. Stalkers are dangerous, and they never leave… yes… but do you know what my argument was – I am not going to let a person suffer for having been manipulated in the past. Neither her no I deserve to be sad and lonely just because some douchebag can’t take responsibility for his actions. This is not just about her, nor is it about me. I am making a stand for what is right. His kind has dominated the fate of others for too long, for all the wrong reasons, and with all the wrong means. If I leave her because of him, I will be rewarding his actions. And I will be punishing her for something she has suffered for long enough… Boy, what a dumbass. I actually said that. I actually believed that. I was not being a White Knight. I thought I was being a man. Apparently I’ve been mistaken.

The thing resolved by her telling her father, and her father calling his father, and his father telling him to back off, and him disappearing altogether. And this was apparently how they had been handling such escapades in the past six months. He would decide to get aggressive with her, and he would stop once his father told him to. What a badass.

And, somewhere along the line, she learned that he had still been asking around about her. He had been especially interested in ‘Is she still dating that guy <my name>. Does he **** her?’… and she actually had a Freudian slip shortly after, when during sex, she yelled ‘**** me <my name>, **** me!’. And she does not speak dirty. She actually resents that particular word. I really should have taken this for a Freudian slip instead of euphoria. Then there was the fact that she told me that during their four year relationship, she had always refused oral because the very thought of it disgusted her. But with me she was willing to try, and she did. I don’t know if this is true, she definitely seemed to improve after each session, but… even though I like to believe that oral was a first experience for both of us, and even if it was, it would still be something she did to either prove herself something about him, or prove him something about her. Am I right? I was basically the middle-guy in their ‘love struggle’… or did she sincerely enjoy my presence, but her personal ‘demons’ prevented her from allowing herself to move on?

I am angry because I know that if a girl leaves you for someone, the breakup was your fault. And I keep searching for where it was that I went wrong but I just can’t find it. Could it be that she really was so into her old life habits that she just didn’t want to quit them (or reduce them) that she realized it would be better to get me off her back? Why did she refuse a ‘second chance’? That meant I was willing to make a deal with her, couldn’t she negotiate? And if it really was something in me that bothered her, why didn’t she a) tell me so, or b) leave me and not go back to her ex? Her getting back to him is what baffles me beyond a simple ‘we were just not meant for each other’. And our relationship was flourishing up to that point, so I can’t explain the abrupt change. I can’t see a logical pattern in this. And I still feel like I have failed just about anyone who was rooting for us. Including myself. And including her.

I feel like I have betrayed the person she could have been. The sweet, loving girl inside of her was trying to break through, but I was not good enough a man to help her overpower the hedonistic, deranged fool that opposed us. Or was the triumph of the latter her personal choice, for she was not ready to give up on plebeian vice?

I should have been more tactful in this.

Maybe she was one of those girls who would do anything to win a guy over, but lose interest once they realize they have? Had I not let my guard down… Had I not shown her affection… Had I not decided to tell her I was in love with her… Will the outcome have been different? Or would she have left me regardless, only under the excuse that I didn’t love her?

How much of this was the work of her friends? I know that one of them was persistent in trying to make me come off as incompetent – and always having someone else to point out as superior. She was either jealous of us, or she didn’t like the influence I had on her best friend… I know that she triumphed in our breakup. But I don’t know whether her words even mattered, or my ex just decided she didn’t want me regardless. How much of this can we put on her friend? When she (ex) supposedly asked her (her friend) about whether she should part ways with me, the answer had been ‘Whatever makes you happy. That’s all that matters.’ What bull****. The girl is in doubt about her current state of happiness and you tell her ‘whatever makes you happy’? That is like telling a person about to commit suicide ‘Do whatever you think is the right way out!’ Then again, she (ex) had other friends, close relatives, and her parents to talk to. Why not address any of them? Maybe she knew what she wanted to do and only looked for affirmation disguised as advice? On a side note, I think her dreams and her acting out started after she went to that particular friend’s place and got drunk… I assume it was then and there that her ex resurfaced? Or some conversation was conceived?

This is so hard to trace. Partly because we live so far away, that aside from Facebook and phone calls we were very distant when not together. So both of us had to make trust falls all the time. My ex, her past-ex (now current), and the particular best friend from above are basically neighbors. They live within a few blocks of each other. Anything is possible.

How about this – She mentioned having dreams of him shortly after we started having sex (vaginal, penetrative sex, that is. She had exhibited no signs of turmoil while we (well, she) stuck to oral). Can the triggering of those parts cause some emotional turmoil? Or recollections of a girl’s first lover? In my country it is considered that he who takes a girl’s virginity is her everlasting god; like an immortal triumph and an unbeatable ****-master; her ultimate ruler and favorite man. This might be somewhat of a hyperbole, but the belief is basically the same. A non-virgin will always favor and go back to the guy who done her first. And during her contemplation she frequently listened to ‘My Immortal’ by Evanescence, so I don’t think I am too far off.

The belief I’ve disputed for so long, and my inner struggle with accepting her past, which I made an effort – and succeeded – to overcome, turns out to have been something she didn’t beat an eye over. And it turns out that I’ve been wrong to try in the first place, because she did end up getting back to the guy who used to beat her and cheat on her just on the basis of having had a long relationship and sophomore sex. So is all of the virginity obsession bull**** not actually bull****? Are all guys destined to be a close second at best assuming they haven’t taken a girl’s innocence? What a bummer.

And some weird-ass conspiracy is probably the most viable option I can think of right now. His complete disappearance of about a month and then resurfacing sounds a lot like the No Contact rule guys are advised to apply when trying to get back to their exes. That would explain them not running into each other despite living close by. And a possible cooperation with her friend, so that she (ex) is guided away from my ‘incompetence’ and into his manly embrace… and being prone to manipulation, she fell for it?

But conspiracy theories are just a way to sugarcoat truths. And I keep feeling like that truth is the fact that at some point or another, I failed at being the right man for her. I know that she either suffers or is about to get busy suffering once he breaks her heart again, and I know that she is oblivious of it either way. I also know she probably secretly enjoys being ‘hurt’ and ‘troubled’, because that is a common motif in her preferred literature and series. I showed her a light but was too weak to pull her through. And so I let a good person slip through my fingers and drag herself into a place she did not feel confident enough to leave… because I did not provide her the confidence I should have. I let my guard down. I started treating her like a reasonable human being instead of a hard-wired human female too soon.

Maybe it was the lack of emotional bounds? Maybe I should have tried to be more devoted and more emotional, so as to make myself less resistible? This contradicts the one about girls who lose interest once they win a guy over, but, perhaps if I put less focus on having fun and indulged into building emotional connections, she would have been immune to manipulation and second thoughts because she would be more attached to me?

Don’t get me wrong. I am over her. I do not want her back as a lover. I don’t think I can kiss the lips that have touched any part of the fiend who she claims is in possession of her heart. But I still feel bad that it had to be this way. I feel like I slipped up just enough for her inner demons, her ‘benevolent’ friends, and her sleazy macho-man to possibly annihilate all her potential of being the girl I had initially loved. I feel outbursts of unfocused wrath. How much longer will the vanity of fake men destroy the happiness of others? How much longer until good men don’t fail at preventing it? I feel like this is a triumph of evil. You know how they say, Good guys come last… well, once they’re dumped, not at all… hurr hurr hurr

 

Oh, and, no, I did not enclose myself into a cave of regret and self-doubt. I am actively searching for a new partner. Being a nofapper, 20 days is a long time for me, and a year ago, I promised myself I would not spend another summer brooding by myself or hanging out with Colin whenever he breaks out of the farm. In other words I am moving on. I just need help figuring out what the **** happened, where did I go wrong, and of course – how do I alleviate this anger? It just descends upon me and I can’t do much about it… and apart from being a boost in working out, it does little to help me advance in my goals.

 

Apologies for the insanely long post, here’s the TLDR

TLDR: Excessively loving relationship for some two months; a week-or-so of her acting 'cold'. She breaks up with me under the excuse that she is still in pain over her previous, abusive relationship of four years; only to get back to her ex less than a week after our breakup. I can’t figure out what happened, and can’t get over the fact that she came back to him specifically. Need help getting to the bottom of this ‘mystery’ and a way to alleviate my wrath.

 

Thanks

[mightycpa]

I am angry because I know that if a girl leaves you for someone, the breakup was your fault.

Well, you'd better take that Breakups 101 class again at college, because you got it completely wrong.

 

It might be your fault. It might be her fault. It might just be her choice and neither of you did anything wrong. You'll never really know, and there's no sense in worrying about it.

 

You said it yourself - you were in it for a girlfriend, not for a wife. You knew it would end, you just weren't ready yet. Well, believe it or not, that's how it goes. Usually, one of the people isn't ready yet. This time it was you.

 

You're going to find in your lifetime that people will sometimes decide that you're not for them, and someone completely unbelievably worse will be their next greatest thing. It is no reflection on you. Their choices are a reflection on them. Once, I was replaced by a guy who looked like friggin' Santa Claus, and I'm no chump in the looks department and I'm a pretty good guy. It was inexplicable to me. It still is, but it happens every damn day. Better get used to the idea now. Oh, and ol' Santa eventually got his walking papers too. That's the other thing that happens.

 

Let this one go, wish her well, and find a new girlfriend. After all, you're in college. You should have had 5 or 6 of them by the time you leave, and time's a wastin'.

[hotmrw]

I am on the opposite side of the fence, my ex dumped me for another guy ( I am now the ex ) she says she loves me, we have a 13 month old child together

claims I will always be in her heart, to be honest I never treated her very well

and when I say that I mean I kept pushing her away and not giving her love and attention, she has moved this dude in, got engaged, going to Thailand with him, she is getting a new house ( rented ) probably with him, he asked her dad if he could marry her, all this in the space of a few months, we are still in contact, because she told me I have to message her every day to see how my daughter is, she rung me today actually but I ignored her, and we have been arguing as usual, until she said she is having a panic attack and her eyes are going blury.

 

My point is that if someone loves a person it is a strong pull, when we finished we agreed that we had love but nothing else, but we have a child also

I am not sure how she feels about this guy maybe she is in love with him, I think if someone is in your heart there is always the chance you will get back together one day.... she maybe was still in love with him

[davidromero43]

There is an app called Tinder. RePlace her

[d0nnivain]

You were a rebound. Sorry.

 

College is full of fun new people. Go find some.

[Katarn]

I don't of think of 'love' as something spiritual. It is just an emotion, and an immature one at that. One can program oneself to either be in love or stop being in love with somebody. So 'My heart belongs to him' is not an argument I can take seriously. The way I've been taught to view women's preferences is that they will always choose the 'better man' in categories indicating masculine traits. And that would be the ability to provide, the ability to keep them safe, and the ability to be dominant over others.

And this guy has none of it. He is obviously the exact opposite of a provider, he can only be dominant as long as others let him (and I didn’t), and seeing how his aggression had been so intense that she wouldn’t go home alone at night, she was not only unsafe around him, she was unsafe because of him.

I wouldn’t be so angry if she left me for anyone else, but going back to a guy like that? What?! Is there even a word for how incredibly stupid that is?

I feel like this was a game, and he beat me by taking advantage of their history and her insecurities. And that is where I find myself to blame. I should have tried harder to help her overcome them. Or I should have been softer in doing so. I feel so stupid at how determined I was in trying to be righteous, forgive her for her past decisions, stay with her despite knowing that I had become the target of a stalker… and then this?

I keep looking at all kinds of factors… her insecurities, her past habits, her liable mentality, her lack of sleep, his No Contact tactic, her friend’s subtle insistence that I’m not good enough… everything aligned so perfectly to make me virtually powerless in maintaining the relationship. And that is the keyword here: virtually. I feel like if I had changed just one tactic, she might not have relapsed. I saw a very sweet person in her, and I am troubled by my failure to stand up against the odds that opposed that.

Perhaps I am more pissed over the fact that I got dumped, so it is my ego that hurts the most. I am also annoyed that she did it at the very end of the semester, so college is over until September. Had we broken up a week earlier, I could have gotten another girl from college. Now I have to either wait, or hit loud bars and flirt with girls I can only hope are actually single, and not luring me into their jealous boyfriend’s radar. And that deserves a rant on its own: girls, don’t flirt with guys if you already have a boyfriend. You’re wasting our time and leading us into an involuntarily and an uncivilized outcome.

And I am not into online dating. It would feel weird and I don’t think it would be very reliable.

 

You were a rebound. Sorry.

Even after six months of her being single? Even despite her undisputable joy in being with me? How about the abrupt change in her behavior? I feel more like she was led into believing something about herself or our relationship, because we were growing on each other the whole time. We were advancing in being comfortable with each other and getting closer as a couple. It is not like there was some lull or a break in the meantime. Will you tell me what leads you to believe I was just a rebound?

And if I was, did she intentionally play me so that I get attached to her, or was she being honest until she realized she wanted her ex-lover back?

I think mightycpa gave me the most helpful insight.

You're going to find in your lifetime that people will sometimes decide that you're not for them, and someone completely unbelievably worse will be their next greatest thing. It is no reflection on you. Their choices are a reflection on them.

This helped me. Not completely, but it did help me. I somehow still have an urge to get to the bottom of this. We will be seeing a lot of each other in college, so I want to know what actually happened and how should I feel around her. I’m sure that I am over her, but I don’t know if I am over what happened.

Yesterday I worked out for about three hours and I got the rage out of my system for the day. When I woke up today I felt it building up inside of me again. But I can’t work out to let it go because my muscles are quite sore now. What do I do about my wrath, it just comes in the morning and I have to make conscious efforts to at least partially subside it. I am trying to ignore it and ignore the thoughts, but I guess my subconscious ****s with me during sleep and I wake up all angry. What did you do, and how long did it take you to get over the humiliation (?) – maybe that is the wrong word, but I think you know what I mean – of the Santa Affair?

 

Thanks.

[mightycpa]

What did you do, and how long did it take you to get over the humiliation (?) – maybe that is the wrong word, but I think you know what I mean – of the Santa Affair?

 

Thanks.

I'd have to observe that disconnecting from this girl isn't quite as easy as you make it to be. Is it?

 

I didn't feel humiliation... like I said, reflected on her, not me. People weren't looking at me and asking

 

What's wrong with mightycpa that she would pick Santa over him?

 

No. They were asking

 

WTF is she doing with that guy? What's going on with her?

 

So if that's what they were asking, then that was probably the right question.

[Katarn]

And I’d have to agree with your observation. I am perfectly fine after a workout or a night out (which is kinda rare these days as most people I know are on vacation), but after I wake up, there is always the same buildup of rage inside of me. There must be something I can’t remember dreaming as the culprit, so I suppose, I am still hurting subconsciously.

I just put so much effort in being the bigger man for nothing. I put myself at risk of being the target of an aggressive stalker and company... I had this huge insight and spontaneous speech about doing the right thing… I struggled with my own issues concerning her past… I made myself fall in love with her because it was evident she was in love with me – I didn’t love her when I first told her; I just knew it would make her happy. And then I let neuro linguistic programming have its way… I passed on opportunities to be with other girls… and she repaid me in, what exactly?

Males are territorial. How am I not to feel partially ‘humiliated’ at having had my female snatched from right under my nose? And there being nothing I could do to prevent it? Or there was something I could have done, but I failed… It baffles me.

I feel out of my depth on this one. I just don’t know what happened and what is about to happen. I can’t connect the evidence in a way that would make sense. I told you, we’ll be seeing a lot of each other in college. I need to know how am I supposed to feel about her and how am I supposed to behave around her. Just how manipulative, if at all, can she (or her friends) get?

Her change of attitude was too abrupt; we actually had plans and promises for the summer. I only recently realized that I only have loose evidence of her being back with her ex (or trying to), and no actual proof. Tons of loose evidence, but not a single proof. I am in NC, but I have her on Facebook, and she might be using her feed to lead me into believing something that she wants me to believe. As if the game is not yet over. The story goes deeper than this. Maybe I’m going overboard, but I feel like there is a piece of this puzzle I am not seeing. There are too many variables and hardly any connections.

On one hand I feel guilt over her relapse. I don’t want to see people I’ve cared about getting hurt.

On the other hand I feel like there is more to this than I know.

That is why I wrote in so much detail. I need to learn the most likely culprit and the most likely events to follow.

I’m over her, and all that hurts at this point is my ego. Then again, if I only find major release in extensive workout and writing, and only some alleviation in going out and hobbies, am I really over her? If I need to either burden or distract myself to feel better… Nah, I’m sure I am. I am just angry at having been plunged into uncalled for solitude.

I don’t know ‘people’ as well as I should. I don’t have the wisdom of years for that. So I need the insight of people who can actually look at it and know what they’re seeing.

[mightycpa]

I am in NC, but I have her on Facebook

Then you're not in NC. You're in one-way contact. No wonder this is bothering you... you keep looking at it.

 

Another thing you said

 

she might be using her feed to lead me into believing something that she wants me to believe

or, she might just be doing what people do on FB... posting about the latest in their lives, without giving you a second thought. Does her world still revolve around you? Doesn't seem like it, does it.

 

Her change of attitude was too abrupt; we actually had plans and promises for the summer

More likely, she was observing you while she was slowly losing interest, but didn't clue you in until she'd made her decision. That's how they really do it. It wasn't abrupt. Abrupt is merely your perception of things.

 

we’ll be seeing a lot of each other in college. I need to know how am I supposed to feel about her and how am I supposed to behave around her.

You avoid her until you can act normally without extra effort, without acting. And I can hear your response, so let me respond to that in advance. It doesn't matter what she thinks about it. You don't care.

 

am I really over her?

nobody knows but you, but I don't really think so. This isn't how you act when you're indifferent to her. You're acting like some rival club won the football pennant and you can't wait until next season when you can get it back. You want to know where they came up with their plays, how they managed to move the ball against you so quickly, how in the world did they ..... All this indicates that you care. If you didn't, it wouldn't be a big deal.

 

Until you admit your grief and start processing it, instead of this external bull**** that you claim to be concerned about, it's going to swirl around inside of you. So, what you need to start coming to terms with is not that this particular loser beat you, but that she chose somebody else. Maybe that's because of the person you showed yourself to be, maybe not. But if you can look at your own actions and find something to improve about yourself, then do it, for the sake of the next girl. If not, you might be doomed to repeat history, over and over.

[Katarn]

I was fine a few days ago. I was devastated when we broke up at first, and it took me a few days to recover. But after that, and after learning that she is potentially back with her ex, not only did I realize I don’t want her back, I also let go of all the pleasant memories. I was feeling just fine for a few weeks, but a day before I posted here, I was having severe emotional turmoil. I don’t know what caused it.

It could be that I am just pinning this on my breakup, but it is in fact a false emotion so I can procrastinate instead of doing any actual work. Or I might be having a ‘midsummer’ crisis. Last summer I promised myself I’d do a lot of things this summer, and hey – half the summer is gone, and I have done about 10% so far. And it might be my sleeping habits that stir a toxic humor. I don’t know.

What I think troubles me the most is, that upon realizing that I have no solid evidence of her and him being back together, I thought to myself ‘They are probably not back together’. And then I thought to myself ‘Then I probably want her back’. The thing is, I know that she will not be all-against getting back with me. I know this because I am just that good. It sounds arrogant, I know. But she and I both know she will never find anyone better. We will be sharing classes next semester, and might even end up in the same group. If she developed a crush for me once, she probably will again. And even if she doesn’t by simply observing my presence, I could break NC and reinitiate a relationship. It will be entirely up to me to take her back. Maybe not as early as October, but somewhere along the line, definitely. And I know that I shouldn’t. I know that in the long run, breaking up was the right thing to do. Albeit not so early, because it is very unpleasant atm. But some part of me goes ‘Yeeey, you will get her back again!’ And this disturbs me. Is it just my loneliness that wants her back? Is it that I just want a girlfriend and she was the last thing I associated with one, so I obsess over the topic? Or am I being vengeful and would take her back so I can later hurt her the way she hurt me?

 

 

How can I not be over her if I know for a fact that a) we shouldn’t get back together and b) I don’t want to get back together? Then again, how can I be over her if whenever something reminds me of our mutual memories I feel angst building up? If I am over her, why do I feel happy knowing that I could win her back if I wanted to – and why do I wonder whether I should, instead of just saying ‘yes, I can. But I won’t. She doesn’t deserve me’? The only way I can explain this is that I have trouble coping with being alone, and I can’t accept the fact that she left me. I put so much effort into accepting her and being with her because I thought she was indulging herself into me too much not to deserve my devotion. And then she betrayed me. I don’t know whether I was played, whether I was played intentionally or unintentionally, whether her reasons for breaking up were honest, whether she was being manipulated, whether she got back to her ex… The fact that I am so out of my depth over what happened is driving me crazy. The way I see it is: I am over her, but I am not over what happened.

 

 

or, she might just be doing what people do on FB... posting about the latest in their lives, without giving you a second thought. Does her world still revolve around you? Doesn't seem like it, does it.

Not all her content, but some. I recently learned that she did this with her ex boyfriend (whom may or may not be her current boyfriend atm). She actually lied about having broken contact with him six months before meeting me. She had not blocked him on Facebook until we actually started dating, and in the meantime she would post and share poetic lines, romantic pictures, songs about love… leading him on that she still loves him and wants him back. She does the same thing now. As if she is posting specific things intending to annoy me, or trigger my curiosity so that I keep thinking about what she may or may not be doing. Or are they actually aimed at him… there is something she is trying to convey. The posts have very specific topics and I know she is doing it to lure someone’s attention. And it’s working. You know how people have these beliefs about ‘converting’ someone by making them needy or making them realize how much they miss you? Well, that. She either uses him to arouse my jealousy or used me to arouse his. And seeing as she is potentially manipulative, I think she wants to play both sides. I feel like I am not yet out of her plot.

And I wouldn’t block her on Facebook. It would be too hostile to do to a person I’ll be sharing a classroom with for the next 1-3 years. And I do want to be aware of her movements. I don’t know what we are in rl – we are definitely not friends, but if we are enemies, I would rather know my enemy. I know for a fact that her ‘specific’ friend is. And I’m glad I at least have some hints on what she might be up to.

 

 

But if you can look at your own actions and find something to improve about yourself, then do it, for the sake of the next girl.

I’m trying to. But whenever I come across something I might have done wrong, I realize it all comes down to me treating her with respect. And I sound like a neckbeard now saying this, but was it really that wrong that I was not being a douchebag? When I am with a girl: should I flirt with others to prove to her that I am valuable and she needs to work hard to keep my attention; or not ask her out until she is begging to; or pretend like I don’t even care about her? Or is a sleazy Prince Charming the way to go: you’re a 10/10, your taste in music in exquisite, go ahead smoke around me, who gives a **** if it tastes like I’m making out with an ashtray?

 

 

More likely, she was observing you while she was slowly losing interest, but didn't clue you in until she'd made her decision. That's how they really do it. It wasn't abrupt. Abrupt is merely your perception of things.

This makes sense. Slightly before the change she was trying to get me to be more like her. Tried to impose her taste in music and her sense of partying on me; talked about how good and irreplaceable ‘being high’ is; tried to prod my potential insecurities… it clicks. And then the week she just avoided contact and behaved overly bitchy was a period where she either waited for me to succumb to her will or end the relationship myself. So she either has me by the balls or I am the bad guy who breaks up with his girlfriend. And she went for a free, boundless summer, perhaps one night stands or easy sex with her ex, lots of partying, drinking, and well… drugs (wording this feels uncomfortable. I don’t mean cocaine and heroin and such. I’m talking LSD and ecstasy and pot. You know, ‘recreational’ drugs. I’m just stating this so she doesn’t come off as a junkie or something). And she decided to keep me close by, so once the semester starts she has a smart guy to help her out, or nurture her own reputation by being with me. I told you, I’m a catch. If she is the person I think she is, she will try to reestablish contact. Regardless, her reasons for breaking up were not so much external manipulation as much as her own vanity. Am I getting it right?

 

 

Had I known this would happen I would have broken up with her early on. ****. I could have dated a specific professor’s niece. That would have made finals easier, eh. Frell.

 

EDIT: Oh, and, I forgot to mention. Doing this covers up her insecurities because she feels that guys are competing and obsessing over her, and it also lets her play out her fantasy of being the Wounded Princess - Troubled Young Soul, pop-fiction persona. It fits with the types of characters she likes to identify with. As well as the whole 'I have my own demons, you don't know what I've gone through five years of my life, I have suffered more than any young girl should, despite having both parents, an abundance of money, careless childhood and barely a care in the word as a young teen, I have lived through SO much hardship...' attitude she nurtures.

Edited July 13, 2015 by Katarn
added something