Little lies during dating

[Ruby Slippers]

As many have attested to, often times folks have a difficult time sleeping (or sleeping well) with their SO in the early stages, especially if they have been used to sleeping alone for a long time.

If sleeping together is too intimate and uncomfortable for a man, then it's perfectly reasonable and normal that having sex with a man who will be departing after sex is too intimate and uncomfortable for a woman. Eternal Sunshine is clearly not happy with her guy having sex then leaving, and I would feel exactly the same way and would never be OK with it.

 

He never said it was because he has trouble sleeping with her. He's giving lame excuses about rides to work and where he's parked. If he was really so concerned about proper sleep, he could sleep on the couch or an air mattress. He doesn't WANT to spend the night with her. He wants to **** and run.

[rester]

I'm honestly surprised how many women responding to this thread are accepting and understanding of this behavior. Not the fact that he doesn't want to sleep over, but that he is making up excuses for it and apparently doesn't know how to communicate what he wants in a straight-forward way.

 

We all have our sleeping preferences, but why lie about it (if he is indeed lying, which we are not sure of)? Or maybe, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he is making up the excuses to avoid hurting OP's feelings, but again, is that a quality you look for in someone?

 

But sure, this could be a good learning experience for the OP if she is generally passive in relationships and doesn't assert her wants and needs. Assertive women that spell things out clearly are attractive, at least from my perspective.

 

If the guy had real integrity, he would tell you in advance of having sex that he doesn't sleep well sharing a bed with someone and that he will have to leave afterwards. Then at least all the cards would be on the table.

[katiegrl]

If sleeping together is too intimate and uncomfortable for a man, then it's perfectly reasonable and normal that having sex with a man who will be departing after sex is too intimate and uncomfortable for a woman. Eternal Sunshine is clearly not happy with her guy having sex then leaving, and I would feel exactly the same way and would never be OK with it.

 

He never said it was because he has trouble sleeping with her. He's giving lame excuses about rides to work and where he's parked. If he was really so concerned about proper sleep, he could sleep on the couch or an air mattress. He doesn't WANT to spend the night with her.

 

**He wants to **** and run**.

 

I was with you until your last sentence. Which makes ES sound like nothing more than a booty call.

 

She stated she is very happy in the relationship, he treats her well and stays the night on the weekends. This indicates more than booty call status.

 

Plus, did she say he leaves "immediately" after sex? If so I missed it.

 

I think it's a leap to suggest this is a **** and run situation. Big leap.

 

Things are not ALWAYS so black and white....people are complex and as such have complex issues that they bring with them into every new relationship. Many different variables.

 

It is important to look at the entire relationship.... instead of honing in on one issue and then deeming it a **** and run, which frankly sounds so demoralizing.

 

I don't think that is the case here based everything ES has posted.

[veggirl]

I used to do this!! When my bf and I first started having sleepovers, I would make up reasons I had to go home at the end of the night (during the week) because I wanted to get a good nights sleep and that meant in my bed, alone. I didn't really think twice about it tbh...just did it. I'm sure he knew what I was doing. It's just a pain the ass when you have to get up extra early just to go home and get ready to go to work. He just doesn't want to hurt your feelings, I'm sure of it.

 

I probably started sleeping over during the week after a couple of months though, but we ONLY spent one night a week (during work week) w/ a sleepover. I was ALWAYS tired as hell the next day...

[melodymatters]

I'm old and have been in a lot of relationships, lol. Methinks in THIS case I, and perhaps you don't have enough information yet to see which side of the coin he falls on. For example :

 

My current husband is pretty much a saint, but grew up in one of those crazy, midwestern SUPER christian, way too many kids, families, so when we first dated I noticed two behaviors in him. 1) He didn't feel like he had a right to an opinion and I had to work really hard to get out of him what he REALLY wanted/needed in certain situations. and 2) He had a tendency to white lie as it was a survival mechanism in his household ie, he didn't get enough for dinner, so made himself a PB&J sandwich in the night and then denied it so he wouldn't get beaten the next day. He has learned he NEVER has to lie to me and four years later we have a great relationship and he is a much happier person.

 

Guy two however......also didn't have a great childhood, but became very financially successful in sales. I didn't mind when he would lie to a client saying " I'm in a meeting Bob, but I can call you at 2:00" when really we were having lunch, but I saw that it creeped into ALL areas of his life. Once I watched him lie to everyone in his circle including those closest I got very suspicious and lo and behold, he had a 3 yr old kid and a serious ex he had dumped two states away that were passed off as a " crazy former client he met once" and "not his kid"

 

In a way, knowing the regulars can be a DISADVANTAGE sometimes as I know you have been pretty hard on guys in the past, and I don't want to see you nitpick, so I'm going to go with "Give it/him more time" and watch for signs that he's a #1; too easy going to make his needs known, rather than a #2; It's such an ingrained habit that he's on the compulsive liar level.

 

Good luck ES !!!

[katiegrl]

I used to do this!! When my bf and I first started having sleepovers, I would make up reasons I had to go home at the end of the night (during the week) because I wanted to get a good nights sleep and that meant in my bed, alone. I didn't really think twice about it tbh...just did it. I'm sure he knew what I was doing. It's just a pain the ass when you have to get up extra early just to go home and get ready to go to work. He just doesn't want to hurt your feelings, I'm sure of it.

 

I probably started sleeping over during the week after a couple of months though, but we ONLY spent one night a week (during work week) w/ a sleepover. I was ALWAYS tired as hell the next day...

 

Yet another person who couldn't sleep! Did not realize how common that actually is.

[LoveRefreshed]

Yet another person who couldn't sleep! Did not realize how common that actually is.

 

Every time I start a new relationship, I have a terrible time. I wake up a lot, I toss and turn a lot. I, in turn, disturb their sleep. It's not easy at first.

[wizer]

2 pages of replies and not one poster hit the real reason why the guy doesn't sleep over.

 

He's a bedwetter.

[Phoe]

I'm a picky sleeper, but I own up to that. I'm VERY used to sleeping alone. I could count on my 2 hands the number of nights I've spent sleeping in a bed with a man. It's just not something I'm accustomed to, and it can be hard for me if conditions aren't right.

 

For me to get perfect sleep, it needs to be pitch black, I need a fan or my air purifier to make white noise to drown out any other sounds (if a toilet so much as flushes down the hall, I'm awake!), I need the air to be cold, I've got to have enough room to splay out, and have pillows on either side of me, because I'm a side sleeper and like to turn from side to side and strangle the pillows. So, there's alot going on.

 

But, I'm honest about it. If I'm in a situation where I can't sleep, I'll say "Yeah, this isn't gonna work, I need "XYZ" if I'm gonna sleep at all"

 

Especially considering that I am VERY sensitive to changes in my sleep patterns. It can trigger intense migraines for me. No bueno!

[TouchedByViolet]

LOL. He doesn't find you long term material. Simple as that.

 

Also, he isn't socially mature enough to label your relationship as a FWB.

[LoveRefreshed]

I think TouchedByVelvet has been touched by bitterness. I don't think that is the case. From the sounds of it, he just literally doesn't like to sleep over on work nights.

 

The whole evolution to being tired after orgasm.. well I find it funny how women speculate into how a man feels after orgasm, but having an orgasm is not taking an Ambien or a valium. We don't uncontrollably slip off into sleep like some sort of Ron Jeremy narcoleptic.

 

Sure, we're more relaxed, making it easy as **** to fall asleep, but that doesn't over power external factors like that annoying ass light that shines through her window or the loud elephant neighbors upstairs.

 

Edit: By speculate, I mean more or less tell us how it's like.

[xcupid]

Do you know for sure that he's lying? Making excuses doesn't mean he's lying.

 

He might just need his space after seeing you and having sex and prefer sleeping in his own bed on a work night. One can infer that from the fact he sleeps overnight on weekends.

 

If I were you I'd accept that he won't be sleeping over on work nights but make sure he knows he's welcome to do so any time he wants to.

[Arieswoman]

I agree with Keeley, post #16

 

I need my sleep. I really do. I can't sleep well in a bed with another person. At least not one I'm completely comfortable with ( long term relationship) so I too would not be wanting to spend the night. Especially during the summer, where it's hot and hardest to get to sleep.

 

My husband and I not only have separate beds but separate rooms most of the time because he is a shift worker and works unsocial hours. Works fine for us.

 

OP I wouldn't worry about it too much at the moment, see how he treats you in other areas before you make a judgement.

[Shining One]

When a man has an orgasm, a cocktail of brain chemicals induce a state of immediate relaxation and sleepiness. And when he has an orgasm with a partner as opposed to through masturbation, this effect is about 4 times stronger. Some evolutionary scientists have theorized that this happens to encourage him to stay close to his partner and pair-bond with her, all positives in the successful offspring-rearing process. Then if anything goes bump in the night, he's there to wake up and offer protection.

How does one chemical reaction in the brain generate both sleepiness and alertness (to respond to bumps in the night)?

Great post Ruby! Now that's the voice of reason right there. ^

Maybe you can explain the logic to me, because I don't see it. If I were designing men to protect women after mating, the chemical reaction would be a long-lasting adrenaline rush (to keep him awake and alert) with strong emotional bonding (to keep him anchored to her). The current situation is like tranquilizing security guards to keep them at their post.

If sleeping together is too intimate and uncomfortable for a man, then it's perfectly reasonable and normal that having sex with a man who will be departing after sex is too intimate and uncomfortable for a woman.

What about the cases in which the woman wants to sleep at home during the week instead of at the man's house? Or the cases in which she kicks the guy out so he doesn't ruin her night's sleep? I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year. We never sleep over at the other's place on weeknights unless we can both sleep in the next day.

He wants to **** and run.

You don't have nearly enough information to draw this conclusion. If this were the case, why does he sleep over on weekends?

I've got to have enough room to splay out, and have pillows on either side of me, because I'm a side sleeper and like to turn from side to side and strangle the pillows.

My girlfriend does this with teddy bears. It's not pleasant when (in her sleep) I happen to be where she expects a teddy bear to be.

[IronZ]

My work night excuse is pretty simple.. I have work the next day. I have a brutal and early commute too. There's no way I could stay over someone's place on a work night unless it's close to my job and I have extra clothes and stuff with me. I don't see why this guy can't say that.

 

 

As for how I feel about the little lies.. honestly I don't get too bothered by them UNLESS there's something to be worried about. Like for example if I was exclusively with a girl and she told me she's meeting one of her girl friends for drinks and it turns out to be a guy friend (maybe platonic friendship, maybe ex, who knows, not the point). I would be very bothered by that kind of a lie. I think communication is the key to every relationship and if one person feels the need to constantly embellish everything, that's a big problem.

[katiegrl]

My work night excuse is pretty simple.. I have work the next day. I have a brutal and early commute too.

 

 

***There's no way I could stay over someone's place on a work night unless it's close to my job and I have extra clothes and stuff with me. I don't see why this guy can't say that.***

 

 

As for how I feel about the little lies.. honestly I don't get too bothered by them UNLESS there's something to be worried about. Like for example if I was exclusively with a girl and she told me she's meeting one of her girl friends for drinks and it turns out to be a guy friend (maybe platonic friendship, maybe ex, who knows, not the point). I would be very bothered by that kind of a lie. I think communication is the key to every relationship and if one person feels the need to constantly embellish everything, that's a big problem.

 

Quote in asterisk: Well, judging from some of the female responses here, telling the truth (needs a good night sleep, getting up early for work) would be akin to admitting to her she's nothing more than a booty call .....which no doubt would not go over well......hence his excuses.

 

To those women, please open up your minds and realize not all men are horny fu*cks, just looking to **** and run.

 

Some men (and women) -- more than just some judging from this thread -- really do just need a good night's sleep before a busy day at work. Simple as that.

[Keenly]

I think the reason why he lies about it was demonstrated through example.

[jen1447]

I seem to recall reading somewhere that most ppl actually lie all the time, routinely, about very small, bscly insignificant things. Like during the course of an average day, an average person lies needlessly to various ppl a bunch of times. These would be lies like telling your boss you were at the copy machine instead of in the toilet or saying you wore the blue shirt bc the black one was dirty when in reality you just wanted to wear the blue shirt. Etc. So ....I dunno, if that's the case, ES's little lies might not be as significant as they appear (at the root) at first blush. Initially I thought maybe they were representative of a deeper pattern of basic deceit, but maybe not so much.

 

How does one chemical reaction in the brain generate both sleepiness and alertness (to respond to bumps in the night)?

 

That's kinda what I was saying - sleeping is about the worst state of being for being on guard. I believe self defense experts call it 'condition white' or sth to that effect, meaning completely and utterly vulnerable to attack, bc you're totally unplugged.

[Gaeta]

You ever thought that maybe the real reason he doesn't want to stay over on weekdays is something very personal he's not ready to talk about or it's something silly but important to him and he doesn't want to be judge for it?

 

Example: I rarely accept a date on a week night, why? because my dog spends his entire day home alone waiting for me and when I go out on a week nights and leave him alone I am filled with guilt. Do I tell my date about it? NO because I am afraid of being judged so I come up with an excuse.

 

We all come up with excuses. It doesn't make us liars.

[IronZ]

You know I just read part of the first post again and OP it seems like he does sleep over on weekends, right? So why is this a big deal then? Clearly there's a reason he doesn't want to stay on a weekday. My logic is that it's hard to go to work the next morning when you're not on home turf.

 

Here's my other question, do you ever stay at his place? Do you ever stay there on weekdays? That's what I'm curious about. You seem to be making a very big deal out of a non-issue. It seems like you are offended that he's not staying over whenever you ask him. Maybe he is making excuses. So what? Some of us don't like to hurt people so we make stuff up to try to spare their feelings. From the looks of it you're so caught up in him staying at your place that he thinks you will have a breakdown if he told you the truth.

[katiegrl]

You know I just read part of the first post again and OP it seems like he does sleep over on weekends, right? So why is this a big deal then? Clearly there's a reason he doesn't want to stay on a weekday. My logic is that it's hard to go to work the next morning when you're not on home turf.

 

Here's my other question, do you ever stay at his place? Do you ever stay there on weekdays? That's what I'm curious about. You seem to be making a very big deal out of a non-issue. It seems like you are offended that he's not staying over whenever you ask him. Maybe he is making excuses. So what? Some of us don't like to hurt people so we make stuff up to try to spare their feelings.

 

 

***From the looks of it you're so caught up in him staying at your place that he thinks you will have a breakdown if he told you the truth***.

 

Well to be fair, ES clearly stated in her original post that she did *not* have an issue with him not staying the night during the week.

 

It was a few other female posters on this thread that had a problem with it, and accused him of being a "**** and run" guy who considered ES nothing more than a booty call or FWB.

 

Which I don't agree with AT ALL, but whatevs, they're entitled to their opinion.

 

What ES has (had?) an issue with was his lying or excuses as to why he could not stay.

 

THAT is why she started this thread. So get opinions on his "lying" or if his excuses *were* considered lies.

 

Other than that, it sounds like she is super happy with him, he treats her well....he stays on the weekends, no problems.

 

ES just wanted to say I am really happy for you! Let this go. In the grand scheme of things, since everything else is so good, this is just a tiny blip, no biggee.

 

Not IMO anyway. :bunny:

Edited July 11, 2015 by katiegrl

[ASG]

Yet another person who couldn't sleep! Did not realize how common that actually is.

 

+1.

 

I sleep TERRIBLY with another person next to me, unless I'm actually passed out drunk, which does not tend to happen when I have work the next day and need to wake up early!

 

Usually, I sleep like the dead! But whenever I start dating someone and we start having sleep overs, I have trouble sleeping. I toss and turn a lot, I wake up countless times during the night and it's just not particularly restful.

 

So I have no issue cutting this guy some slack for his excuses. He WANTS to sleep over, but he NEEDS his sleep.

[jen1447]

Since we're on the topic, I sleep like a pro. I cab literally sleep anywhere, anytime, good and solid. The only thing that can interfere in a meaningful way is if the person I'm sleeping with is restless, and if that happens (looking at you BF - sometimes) I just put them out.

[introverted1]

Hey ES. I am in the camp with those who think that maybe he just doesn't want to sleep over on a "school" night and perhaps thinks he's avoiding an awkward conversation by telling white lies rather than just saying so.

 

Unless there have been other suspicious behaviors, I'm reluctant to call his excuses "lies" because I think that casts his in a negative light. Are you thinking of him negatively in general?

 

If not, and you think the guy has potential, I'd discuss if. As this thread has shown, there doesn't seem to be a lot of middle ground in the is-it-easy-to-sleep-with-another-person debate. Not sure I would read into it.

[RedRobin]

Since we're on the topic, I sleep like a pro. I cab literally sleep anywhere, anytime, good and solid. The only thing that can interfere in a meaningful way is if the person I'm sleeping with is restless, and if that happens (looking at you BF - sometimes) I just put them out.

 

 

I sleep like a pro too.. Can sleep anywhere, unless I'm sleeping next to a guy whose d*ck I crave like a desert stranded refugee craves water... then all bets are off

 

 

Hey ES, maybe your guy has this affliction. That wouldn't be a bad thing... He can't sleep next to you because whenever he wakes up, he needs to do you. That doesn't suck. Except when you have to wake up early to get to work the next day.