Eternal Sunshine Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 What are your thoughts on "white lies" during the first few months of a relationship? An example: guy comes over during a work night. You have dinner, sex, watch movies. You ask him to stay over. He says "he can't because he needs to give his mate a ride because he lost his licence" OK. Next week it's because "he parked his car at blah blah and he is worried it will get stolen". The week after some other excuse. It's obvious due to this pattern that he just doesn't want to sleep over (for whatever reason) during the work night. Maybe he doesn't get enough sleep and is tired at work. Maybe he doesn't want to spend the night with me. Whatever. Assume that it's the context of an exclusive relationship, he sleeps over on the weekends, contacts you every day, takes you out, buys you stuff etc. Still, a lie is a lie. And he seems to come up with them easily and without even getting flustered. Not sleeping over during work week is not a problem to me. Lying is. What do you think?
ufo8mycat Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Just ask him outright if there is a reason why he doesn't want to stay over during the week. That you feel you get a lot of excuses but that you are okay if it doesn't want to stay over. But that you expect him to be upfront. But then you need to accept his reasons. I guess I consider these excuse rather than flat out lies but it does imply there is something he isn't comfy talking to you about. 2
Haydn Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I think they are excuses not quite lies. Does not want to hurt your feelings? Ask him? I guess the only truthful answer he can give is `I don`t want to stay over` That might hurt and lead to why? Then i guess he will tell you. But if has an excuse every `school`night then i would think...... 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 I think they are excuses not quite lies. Does not want to hurt your feelings? Ask him? I guess the only truthful answer he can give is `I don`t want to stay over` That might hurt and lead to why? Then i guess he will tell you. But if has an excuse every `school`night then i would think...... I guess it's annoying that last time he did this I already said "You don't want to stay over". And he was all like "No, no, I really want to, I just can't because of <excuse>"
Haydn Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Have you told him you don't mind if he doesn't stay over? Maybe he won't make an excuse then?
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Those types of too creative lies are problematic. If he gave me the white lie of "I have to get up early" repeatedly I could get past that. The other ones. . makes me think he has a lot of practice lying. And if he's lying about the small stuff, I can't trust the big stuff. 12
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 Those types of too creative lies are problematic. If he gave me the white lie of "I have to get up early" repeatedly I could get past that. The other ones. . makes me think he has a lot of practice lying. And if he's lying about the small stuff, I can't trust the big stuff. I agree but is it enough to break up over? Every relationship I know has behaviours worse than this that are tolerated. Can you really expect to be satisfied with everything? I struggle with this.
Lois_Griffin Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 He doesn't want to stay over on a work night. Back when I was dating my husband, I didn't stay over his place on weeknights, either. I had my own routine at home in the mornings on work days and it would have been way too much work to have to drag everything I'd need to his house. It just wasn't worth all the trouble. I just think he prefers his routine at home on the mornings he works but doesn't want to look anal by admitting it to you. LOL.
PegNosePete Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I would say that someone who chooses to lie or make excuses, rather than being up-front with you, is not a good communicator, and will likely handle other situations in the same way. Passive-aggressive. 4
loveweary11 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I literally just call anyone out on their lies. My response would be, "why do you keep lying to me?" Their response to that determines if I stay with them. If they answer, "sorry" with a lengthy emotional situation where they feel bad, I explain that I don't like lying or being lied to, so don't do it anymore. If they keep lying.... use them for sex or dump them. No mercy for liars. 10
Timshel Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Saying that you don't want to stay over during the week is such an understandable thing to say, why lie? I'd back off of work night visits anyway because it messes with my focus and I'd get burnt out with seeing him so much but that's just me. 2
writergal Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) I agree but is it enough to break up over? Every relationship I know has behaviours worse than this that are tolerated. Can you really expect to be satisfied with everything? I struggle with this. I don't think you can be satisfied with everything in a relationship. I don't know any couples who are. So, I think it's unrealistic to think that the sign of a good relationship means that you don't annoy each other. Of course you will, because you're both individuals with your own personal habits and communication skills and your own lives. Trying to sync up two separate lives when you're in a relationship can be a real challenge. And sometimes the reason couples break up. It's about tolerance. What will you tolerate from your relationship partner? And what sends you so far over the edge, you're fed up and done with the relationship. You need to decide if your boyfriend's excuses about not wanting to sleepover at your place during the workweek are practical excuses or convenient ones. And convenient excuses are lies, disguised as excuses. Yet at the same time, it's definitely enough to break-up over if he continues to refuse to tell you the truth, especially when you've already directed confronted him, with your statement "you don't want to stay over." Your directness threw him off guard, (as it should have) b/c he is so comfortable making up excuses to you, which is disrespectful to say the least. The next time you see him, be direct with your feelings, "you know, it [state your feeling first] annoys me that you make excuses [the behavior] about not staying over because it [state how his behavior effects you] hurts my feelings." He sounds like a terrible communicator. And terrible communicators need help sometimes. You have a right to have your needs met just as he does. But if he's unwilling to meet your needs (to stay overnight at your place during the week), then either change how often you see him (he can only stay over on weekends and see you over lunch hours during the week), or, ask him if he wants to move in together at some point, or simply end the relationship if he's unwilling to stay overnight at your place during the workweek. There's always options. But he definitely needs to improve his communication skills. The more you are direct with him about how his actions make you feel, hopefully he will catch on that he has to learn to trust you and be more honest with you. For whatever reason, he's acting passive-aggressive about the whole sleepover-during-the-workweek and not being honest with you, offering all of those excuses. If he is overworked, why would he offer to do things for people in the morning during the workweek instead of prioritizing his time by spending the night at your place, re: his friend could have taken the bus or a cab or called another friend to get his license renewed at the DMV, so your boyfriend could have told his friend he was staying overnight at your place and couldn't drive him before work to the DMV or whatever. Edited July 10, 2015 by writergal 3
candie13 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 it's not just his issue, it's yours as well. Instead of telling him: "why did you do this, why did you lie" when you have no proof of a lie and is actually quite embarassing because you don't actually know that it's a lie, why don't you simply reframe it? Tell him "I'd like you to sleep over at mine during the week". See how he reacts. Maybe he is expecting you to invite him to leave a few stuff at his place. Why don't you go to his place and sleep there during the week? Are you doing that? Rather than projecting stuff onto him, try to solve your issues. His issues are his to solve. Focus on fixing yourself. It will make you happier. 6
Timshel Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 If it bothers you that he doesn't sleep over after sex, don't know that it does, then the thing to say is come over when you can sleep over. Simples. If you are allowing him to dictate when he sees you and on what terms without taking a stand for what works for you, nothing good will come. I don't know if you feel this way but thought I'd throw it out. When I make love, I like the whole package but this may not be what is bothering you. 3
Keenly Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I'll just throw out how I am so you can see another perspective, and perhaps see where he is coming from. I need my sleep. I really do. I can't sleep well in a bed with another person. At least not one I'm completely comfortable with ( long term relationship) so I too would not be wanting to spend the night. Especially during the summer, where it's hot and hardest to get to sleep. Now the reason I would lie about it is because I've had two girlfriends who threw hissy fits when I told them I didn't want to spend the night. They would get mad and start a fight over nothing more than me wanting to get sleep. So that's why I would lie about it, because I wouldn't want to deal with a stupid " you mean you'd rather sleep alone than with me??? " and I'd have to say no, I'd rather SLEEP. Pointless argument ensues... So you make something up So she doesn't get mad. That's where I'm coming from anyway. Whether or not that's his deal too, I don't know. Just another perspective. 5
rester Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Saying that you don't want to stay over during the week is such an understandable thing to say, why lie? This is what I thought. It sounds like he's afraid to speak his mind so instead makes up excuses, and if he's going to be afraid to tell the truth about something as simple as this, he's going to be very difficult to trust. To me, it is very similar to someone that won't own up to a simple mistake, and instead lies to cover it up, when they would have been much better off telling the truth so everyone can get on with their lives. Instead it becomes a big deal because they are too cowardly to admit their mistake and learn from it. In my work life, I have fired people for this behavior. No relationship is perfect, but this would be a dealbreaker for me.
LookAtThisPOst Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 First of all, I wouldn't be associating with the kind of irresponsibility of certain people, i.e. - the loosing of one's license. Assuming his excuse was for real, I wouldn't be associating with friends like this. What are your thoughts on "white lies" during the first few months of a relationship? An example: guy comes over during a work night. You have dinner, sex, watch movies. You ask him to stay over. He says "he can't because he needs to give his mate a ride because he lost his licence" OK. Next week it's because "he parked his car at blah blah and he is worried it will get stolen". The week after some other excuse. It's obvious due to this pattern that he just doesn't want to sleep over (for whatever reason) during the work night. Maybe he doesn't get enough sleep and is tired at work. Maybe he doesn't want to spend the night with me. Whatever. Assume that it's the context of an exclusive relationship, he sleeps over on the weekends, contacts you every day, takes you out, buys you stuff etc. Still, a lie is a lie. And he seems to come up with them easily and without even getting flustered. Not sleeping over during work week is not a problem to me. Lying is. What do you think?
writergal Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I'll just throw out how I am so you can see another perspective, and perhaps see where he is coming from. I need my sleep. I really do. I can't sleep well in a bed with another person. At least not one I'm completely comfortable with ( long term relationship) so I too would not be wanting to spend the night. Especially during the summer, where it's hot and hardest to get to sleep. Now the reason I would lie about it is because I've had two girlfriends who threw hissy fits when I told them I didn't want to spend the night. They would get mad and start a fight over nothing more than me wanting to get sleep. So that's why I would lie about it, because I wouldn't want to deal with a stupid " you mean you'd rather sleep alone than with me??? " and I'd have to say no, I'd rather SLEEP. Pointless argument ensues... So you make something up So she doesn't get mad. That's where I'm coming from anyway. Whether or not that's his deal too, I don't know. Just another perspective. Reminds me of my grandparents who were married for 80 years. They chose to sleep in separate bedrooms b/c my grandfather worked extremely odd hours at his restaurant and my grandmother snored really loud nearly every night. 1
roxanne101 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 My ex never wanted to hang out during the week. It wasn't just with me, but friends as well. He could only hang out on the weekends. Very limiting. It was annoying, but I knew that's how he was, so I never tried to hang out during the week. Maybe this guy doesn't like to be out too late on weeknights, but he at least wants to see you for a bit. Perhaps you should just limit your weeknight dates so this doesn't become an issue. Or just go sleep at his place.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 This is what I thought. It sounds like he's afraid to speak his mind so instead makes up excuses, and if he's going to be afraid to tell the truth about something as simple as this, he's going to be very difficult to trust. To me, it is very similar to someone that won't own up to a simple mistake, and instead lies to cover it up, when they would have been much better off telling the truth so everyone can get on with their lives. Instead it becomes a big deal because they are too cowardly to admit their mistake and learn from it. In my work life, I have fired people for this behavior. No relationship is perfect, but this would be a dealbreaker for me. I am just hoping that he is still not fully comfortable to speak his mind around me and that this will change in longer term. I have been too quick to leave relationships in the past so I want to try and work through things this time. We will see. 2
Gaeta Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I may be the naive one here but I would not assume these are lies but maybe just a series of inconveniences. About you ask him to give you a day of the week he could stay over next week and see his answer? 2
Timshel Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I am just hoping that he is still not fully comfortable to speak his mind around me and that this will change in longer term. I have been too quick to leave relationships in the past so I want to try and work through things this time. We will see. I'm going to be brutal here, not to upset you but this is how I see this and I could be 100% wrong. He's stupid lying because you two are at the height of passion at the moment. He wants it bad right now but again, understandably, he does not want to sacrifice his wake up routine and sense of work week order. In short....he wants to hit it and quit it. Not the end of the world, he wants you during the week and goes for it. As Keenly said, when the deed is done, it's back to the work week comfort zone and lying to avoid hurting feelings or a fight. Don't let him do this. His passion/respect will increase when you have your own rules. Forex, I like morning breath, wood and breakfast. Don't let him dictate when he see's you. He wants you bad, you want him. Let that be a fuel that feeds the fire. It is so much more passionate and relationship building. Later, after you are both comfortable and content, the afternoon delight and random quickies are good fun. 2
Timshel Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 This is what I thought. It sounds like he's afraid to speak his mind so instead makes up excuses, and if he's going to be afraid to tell the truth about something as simple as this, he's going to be very difficult to trust. To me, it is very similar to someone that won't own up to a simple mistake, and instead lies to cover it up, when they would have been much better off telling the truth so everyone can get on with their lives. Instead it becomes a big deal because they are too cowardly to admit their mistake and learn from it. In my work life, I have fired people for this behavior. No relationship is perfect, but this would be a dealbreaker for me. I don't see this as a deal breaker so much as an opportunity to assert herself and needs. I think he's being a dink and not being called out for it. 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 I'm going to be brutal here, not to upset you but this is how I see this and I could be 100% wrong. He's stupid lying because you two are at the height of passion at the moment. He wants it bad right now but again, understandably, he does not want to sacrifice his wake up routine and sense of work week order. In short....he wants to hit it and quit it. Not the end of the world, he wants you during the week and goes for it. As Keenly said, when the deed is done, it's back to the work week comfort zone and lying to avoid hurting feelings or a fight. Don't let him do this. His passion/respect will increase when you have your own rules. Forex, I like morning breath, wood and breakfast. Don't let him dictate when he see's you. He wants you bad, you want him. Let that be a fuel that feeds the fire. It is so much more passionate and relationship building. Later, after you are both comfortable and content, the afternoon delight and random quickies are good fun. Thanks for the advice. I am usually more passive in relationships and it hasn't worked well for me in the past. You are right. The passion is strong, sex is unbelievable, perhaps the best I have ever had. We can't even watch TV or eat first, it just happens from the moment I open the door, and usually more than once (TMI!). I am still not sure if there is more there underneath the passion. I always used to go for "best friends" type of scenario where sex happened after I got to know them. Sex usually ended up being lukewarm at best. 1
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