Gus Grimly Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) Hello all. Grateful to find this community of support. I need some outside perspective on my situation. My fiancée of 3 1/2 years recently broke it off with me. She said it was because her ex is trying to paint her as an unfit mother to gain custody of their children. She said he has a laundry list of accusations on her and my name was at the top of the list. So in fear of losing her children we can no longer be a couple. That's her story. The reason why I am being labeled a bad guy by her ex is a long narrative I wont bore you with, suffice to say I made a mistake and so did she which caused much animosity against me by her friends and family. This is because she aired this dirty laundry to them all in a fit of anger. We eventually reconciled but the damage was done. Now he's (allegedly) using me as a catalyst against her as unfit to gain custody of the kids and not pay child support. She called me up the other day, after her mediation and started to chat like we normally do. The conversation started off like this: "How are you? I just wanted to thank you for reimbursing me for that game, you didn't have to do that ... oh btw I'm sending you my engagement ring back". Uh ... you would think the conversation would be more like: "OMG, I have some devastating news babe *sob*"... right? Not this time. There was confidence and lack of empathy in her voice, poise in her demeanor, considering the news. No tears. Nothing. She says she loves me but won't live without her children. I get it. But the way she broke it off with me was cold. Her actions after that phone call didn't resemble that of someone who says they still love me. Like changing all the passwords on our shared accounts (Netflix, Amazon, Hulu), unfriend me, my friends and family off Facebook that day. Her friends and family unfriended me as well. She didn't respond to my mom's tearful FB message to her. These actions, imo, don't reflect her words/feelings . She also said she still wants me in her life then goes full out NC. I'm very confused by this, because the decision to break up is being forced upon her. The next day I get a priority mail box of stuff she said was mine. It's contents were just tossed in without care, they included a package of wooden chopsticks, a cluster of tangled extension cords, some small floor lamps and the diamond ring. Who the hell wants a bunch of junk back? Anyway, that was a punch in the gut and sent a pretty clear message that this was final. She wants nothing to do with me. Obviously I'm crushed and bewildered by these events. Is this normal or is it outside the norm? Was she telling the truth or lying to spare my feelings? Her story and actions don't add up to me. Any advice or wisdom on my situation would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this abhorrent TL : DR wall of text. Edited July 10, 2015 by Gus Grimly
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 The message is pretty clear. There is absolutely no point whatsoever in mulling it through, thinking it over, asking questions.... what exactly do you need clarity on? And why? Where does it get you? I think basically she was a drama queen who embroiled you in a class act and used you as leverage, a hitting stick, ammunition.... whatever. It backfired on her. Be grateful she returned the ring. Move on, drop it, forget it bullet dodged, hello normality! 2
Author Gus Grimly Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 Thanks for your directness TaraMaiden2. The clarity I am seeking is why it was so cold. But, I suppose you're right. What's the point of asking these question? It's still a tough pill to swallow since I did absolutely nothing to be treated with such disregard.
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 No. And sometimes, there's nothing we can do about the Arse holes who treat us like schytt. Except cut them out of our lives, maintain our standards, but don't erect barriers. It's important people know what we stand for. It's equally important we let people know what we WON'T stand for. Don't deal with 'messed-up' people. If you knew quite early on that this woman was dragging drama with her everywhere she went - question rather why the hell you hung onto her for so long. ....This is because she aired this dirty laundry to them all in a fit of anger. We eventually reconciled ^^There's your big mistake, right there. 2
Author Gus Grimly Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 If you knew quite early on that this woman was dragging drama with her everywhere she went - question rather why the hell you hung onto her for so long. If you knew the entirety of this relationship you'd think I'm a complete and utter fool. You'd be right. ^^There's your big mistake, right there. You have much wisdom and I appreciate you being so frank. It bites, but the truth hurts. Your words are the swift kick in the arse I needed. Putting myself through anguish over someone like that? Where the heck did my self respect go? I let this happen. *sigh* Thank you, thank you.
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Don't beat yourself up. Look to your standards. If necessary, write a list of what you want to achieve for yourself, in yourself, and what you'd like in a future partner. Bear in mind, nobody's perfect, and everyone has SOME kind of drama in their life. your job is to evaluate just how much crap it's going to bring YOU. "Seek not every good quality in ONE individual." We all have...'stuff'. Just be mindful of how stuff can knock the stuffing out of you. Be fair. Above all, to yourself. 2
Author Gus Grimly Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 You certainly have a lot of insight on these affairs of the heart. You've made such incredible sense. I came here looking for the wrong answers. You didn't give me the perspective I wanted to hear, but what I NEEDED to hear. I see the distinction now. Thank you for corresponding with me TaraMaiden2. I'm gonna heed this advice you've given me. Writing that list will definitely help me regain some integrity. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 No problem. I'm part of the furniture round here, though admittedly, my blunt style has got me into a lot of trouble... I've been around the block a few times, and a presence on this forum on and off, for around a decade, in various guises. But everyone round here knows me, and frankly, you either love me or hate me. Glad to have helped. That's not to say you'll always agree with everything I say, either. That's a given. Hey, I can't be a genius 100% of the time!! 2
DexterLS Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 At least she returned the ring lol. Move on, you're much better off without her. 1
infiniteQuest Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 I just want to address why the breakup may have been so cold. Sometimes when a person makes a decision that they've rationalized, they need to consciously remove their emotions from the equation otherwise they know they won't be able to carry out what they need to do. I'm not sure I buy her whole story about the kids, but regardless, I hope it brings you a bit of comfort knowing that most people have to force themselves to be so cold and it's more of a preemptive defensive thing on their end than an attack on you. Keep up with the NC, lick your wounds, ask yourself why you've let her treat you that way. But most of all try to take care of yourself, one tiny insignificant little thing at a time. They will add up to something good at the end of the month. 2
Author Gus Grimly Posted July 20, 2015 Author Posted July 20, 2015 I'm not sure I buy her whole story about the kids, but regardless, I hope it brings you a bit of comfort knowing that most people have to force themselves to be so cold and it's more of a preemptive defensive thing on their end than an attack on you. I never thought about it that way. It does make a lot of sense though, but I still wish she would have done it differently. I feel like I deserved better, but maybe her actions were a self-defense measure, like you pointed out. People do hide their feelings a lot and she definitely had trouble expressing her true emotions over the course of our relationship. (That caused many problems). I agree her story doesn't add up. There are a lot of details I didn't add to my original post. After much speculation and putting 2 and 2 together, I have come to the conclusion that she was lying to spare my feelings. I think there might have been someone else. I recently spoke with someone who's known her for many year, but never thought she was a decent person. She felt that it was most likely another guy. She also told me some unsettling things I never knew about my Ex's past that supports that theory. It doesn't matter though. Knowing the real truth behind the BU won't give me any solace or clarity. I've stuck to NC, started to make progress in my healing and I'm now looking at what the future holds. The world is my oyster, I'm free to do whatever I please. I do need to examine why I've let her treat me the way she has for so long, and why I didn't break it off years ago. I must have some hidden insecurities that lie just below the surface that have gone unnoticed. I need to work on myself BIGTIME. This forum has been a blessing. I really appreciate the advice that I've been given. Thanks infiniteQuest for your thoughts and insight on my breakup story. Every little bit helps me gain more knowledge and understanding about myself and grow into a better person. Having the tools I need to resolve any future relationship problems that face me with wisdom and maturity.
infiniteQuest Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 I never thought about it that way. It does make a lot of sense though, but I still wish she would have done it differently. I feel like I deserved better, but maybe her actions were a self-defense measure, like you pointed out. People do hide their feelings a lot and she definitely had trouble expressing her true emotions over the course of our relationship. (That caused many problems). Yeah, for somebody who doesn't want to deal with their own feelings, the thought of dealing with your feelings that inevitably ensue after they drop the bomb, becomes repulsive. So in a lame attempt to minimize the mess, they'll go cold and remove themselves from the situation emotionally first. That's how I broke up with both my exes for those break up that I had initiated. It's cowardly and immature. You put up that giant shield thinking you just need to cut the cord and let them go and it will be easier that way for everybody. And the person is too surprised / in denial for you to even realize how shocked and sad they are at that moment, or how sad they will be later. Sometimes you see their face and you get a glimpse of it, but then you're too deep in it and there's nothing you can do to comfort them anyway. I agree her story doesn't add up. There are a lot of details I didn't add to my original post. You should make a post with your whole story if you're going to be hanging out on LS. I noticed that when you post even a small question, people will dig through your dating history. It's amazing! More power to you if you have a very strong mind and won't be digging for answers to things that didn't add up. For me, it's been hell trying to re-run my break up and relationship through my mind over and over again. So if/when that does happen to you, I do encourage you to post your whole story. But if you feel like you should just forget and move on, then whatever works for you is best! 1
Author Gus Grimly Posted July 20, 2015 Author Posted July 20, 2015 Yeah, for somebody who doesn't want to deal with their own feelings, the thought of dealing with your feelings that inevitably ensue after they drop the bomb, becomes repulsive. That's incredibly insightful. It fits my Ex's personality very well. She doesn't know how to express emotions sometimes. She's also very stubborn so when she sets her mind on an idea, nothing will persuade her otherwise. So, this very well could be why she was so frigid towards me. You know, it's funny but during her break up over the phone, there was a short laps in her neutral tone. Her voice became the soft "caring/loving" voice for a few seconds when she said "Awe, now that I hear your reaction I don't know if I can ...." then she cut herself off. I wouldn't be surprised if that was like a break in "character". Hmm, interesting. I didn't make much of it until now but it certainly goes along with what you've been saying. More power to you if you have a very strong mind and won't be digging for answers to things that didn't add up. To be honest, I had thought about it, because I really do want to know. But at the same time, would reopening wounds bring me heartache or enlightenment? I've endured so much pain over this BU the last few weeks. The fog is starting to lift a bit, don't know if I want the darkness to return. Looking back, I realized that I was guided by compassion and chose to ignore the wisdom of my own mind. I was weak because I didn't want to go through the pain of losing someone I cared about, so I lingered down the same path until it became my undoing. I've walked away from this with many scars, but these scars are apart of me now. I thought I needed to know "Why" for closure. I realize now there's no such thing. I'm slowly making peace with it. I just want to move on with my life, look forward to my future while finding happiness and inspiration where I can. 1
aloneinaz Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 I agree with what the other poster said about putting up a cold/distant front when ending the relationship. As a manager, we were taught that when the decision to fire someone was made, we were to be short, sweet and neutral in our delivery of the message. The decision was made, there was no "talking about it", just term them and walk them out. It was always very hard to fire someone but doing it that way actually made it easier on them. We didn't have to run them down, rehashing what lead up to the final decision. It's kind of similar to what transpires when we get dumped. It's so natural to want closure and figure everything out after we get dumped, seemingly out of the blue. We're left confused and then rehash everything to death. This is how I felt after my ex ended our R/S, even though I knew she had buckets full of issues. We still hate the rejection. I figured something out 6 months later. I had went HARDCORE NC after she ended us. I vanished.. At 6 months post-break up, she reappeared and chased me to get back w/her. I ignored all her contact attempts until my GF told me to let her know I was happy in a new R/S and good luck. One of her emails was VERY long, apologetic and she took full responsibility for all our issues while telling me what a great BF I was.. Ya know what, it really didn't do much to hear this news from her. At the end of the day, she ended us (which was the right thing to do) and I had to ride thru the pain of the ending. I think once we heal from a broken R/S, we figure out that all the why's and how comes don't matter. The R/S failed, that's the take home value and we simply have to learn from it what we can while navigating thru the post break up pain and suffering. 2
Author Gus Grimly Posted July 20, 2015 Author Posted July 20, 2015 (edited) Ya know what, it really didn't do much to hear this news from her. At the end of the day, she ended us (which was the right thing to do) and I had to ride thru the pain of the ending. I think once we heal from a broken R/S, we figure out that all the why's and how comes don't matter anyway. The R/S failed, that's the take home value and we simply have to learn from it what we can while navigating thru the post break up pain and suffering. Hey thanks for the input. Even though I would love to get my hands on the confidential "truth" of my failed R/S. Just as you said, once we've been healed, none of that will matter. It's more productive to redirect my focus on improving myself and the future that lies ahead of me. "....we simply have to learn from it what we can while navigating thru the post break up pain and suffering" Yes, this is what I've been trying to do exactly. It's not been easy, not gonna lie ..... but with it has brought me some humility. I've learned much about myself, my Ex and our relationship from all the knowledge gained by reading this forum. I feel I'm becoming better equipped for my next relationship endeavor. Edited July 20, 2015 by Gus Grimly
aloneinaz Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 It's more productive to redirect my focus on improving myself and the future that lies ahead of me. Yes, this is what I've been trying to do exactly. It's not been easy, not gonna lie ..... but with it has brought me some humility. I've learned much about myself, my Ex and our relationship from all the knowledge gained by reading this forum. I feel I'm becoming better equipped for my next relationship endeavor. It's just so bizarre how we all go thru the same feelings/emotions and thoughts after a break up, especially if we got dumped. I know I did the same thing you're doing. Getting dumped was an opportunity to do some self reflection on ME. We all reach adulthood with some baggage or damage from our childhood. How it manifests with us as adults ranges all over the place. I think many on these boards (to include me) have some self esteem issues that contributes to so many of us sticking in w/un-healthy/toxic relationships. It was the biggest thing for me after I got dumped after multiple break ups with this woman. What resonated and kept me in NC was my older Mom asking me "what's wrong with you and what have you done with my son". She said I wouldn't of put up with her BS at all as a younger guy in my 20's. I did a lot of self examination to figure out why I couldn't end it with her and stop reconciling. In most cases, it's a combination of insecurity, some self esteem issues and laziness in not wanting to start over again. Sometimes getting dumped from a relationship or getting fired from a job can be a GREAT thing. We are FORCED to do a self examination of ourselves and make changes for the better. I think most people do this after the horrible pain and withdrawal ends after the first month or two. 1
candie13 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 We didn't have to run them down, rehashing what lead up to the final decision. It's kind of similar to what transpires when we get dumped. I disagree, actually. If there was love and emotion, you will break up in a swift, yet careful way. If there was substance to your RS, if you've ever cared, you won't break up over the phone. You will warn the other about going NC. I've broken up a couple of times with a few dudes. Those times when I was cold, swift and business like were in 2 situations: a. the men were absolute arses so I just cut them off my list. b. I was really really hurt about something that they have done and there was no more point in talking about it, as I was about to become irrational and make scenes. So I immediately cut if off, put the shield on and vanished. You can bet all of your money that in the second case, underneath that shield and in the middle of full solid NC, I was crying my bloody eyes out. I think if she would have left you for someone else, she would have felt guilty and would have been nicer to you. Sorry, Gus, maybe that "friend" has ulterior reasons to make you think bad things about your ex. As long as you have no proves, just let it be, give her the benefit of the doubt. Truth will resurface, you can be sure of that. It's so natural to want closure and figure everything out after we get dumped, seemingly out of the blue. We're left confused and then rehash everything to death. I'm like that, I admit it. I think once we heal from a broken R/S, we figure out that all the why's and how comes don't matter. The R/S failed, that's the take home value and we simply have to learn from it what we can while navigating thru the post break up pain and suffering.To the bolded phrase: I agree, but only after we've healed from the broken R/S. I admit that I am an overthinker and to me, it is important that I get clarity, inside my mind. So while initially, I let it sit and take time and wait, I constantly come back and will try to make sense out of it, to understand. Understanding helps the acceptance - of the BU - and acceptance comes with healing. For a woman, children are really really important. I am not saying that there may be no foul play, but if she is convinced that being single will help her case, any decent mother will do the same. Really. I know it's not what you want to hear.... but... it is what it is... It's really sh*tty and there is no pill that you can take to make the pain go away faster... sorry, Gus, grin and bear it. Time is the only thing that I know that does miracles... take care. 1
casey.lives Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 being held captive by an ex using your parental abilities as a weapon/threat is very troublesome. sounds like you still have more problems to deal with. good luck 1
Author Gus Grimly Posted July 20, 2015 Author Posted July 20, 2015 For a woman, children are really really important. I am not saying that there may be no foul play, but if she is convinced that being single will help her case, any decent mother will do the same. Really. I know it's not what you want to hear.... but... it is what it is... It's really sh*tty and there is no pill that you can take to make the pain go away faster... sorry, Gus, grin and bear it. Time is the only thing that I know that does miracles... take care. Thank you candie13. I have to stop speculating as to what her true motivation for the Breakup was. Fact is I have nothing but what she's told me and some odd behavior that went with it, so I'll never truly know. It's the nature of humans to want to find the answers. You made some valid points which got me thinking. I don't believe I'll ever understand this BU. Even if I had all the answers it still wont change the outcome. The only thing I can change is me, so that's what I'm gonna do. But the advice I have been given thus far has been enlightening, thought provoking and inspirational. I thank you all for that.
LoveMachine67 Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Hey Gus, I somehow missed your thread along with your story. But I just wanted to say that you were dealt a crappy blow by this woman. I know at this point you don't need more baseless speculation as to WHY, so I won't even go there. I know it's easy for me to say this, but somehow you must do your own version of the 180 as it is often referred to here on LS. Completely cease all further efforts to contact her, and ignore any of her efforts to contact you. It will be very difficult, but you must try and move on with your life and forget about her. As I've said, it's easy for me to tell you this, but I also know this will be difficult for you to do. You may never learn the real reason why she vanished on you, so try not to get "stuck" expending thought and energy as to why. You must try and move on when you are ready. 1
BriNyc82 Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I've never really received the whys from any of my exes. It wasn't until the dust had completely settled and I was healed that I found my own reasons. Ie: an ex bf broke up with me on our one year anniversary back in 2006. His mom had passed away and our relationship crumbled. It was awful. I look back now and think good thing I met that jerk. He's the one who got me my job and I've been with the company for 10 yrs. he was good for something. So while the job has nothing to do with our actual breakup there was something +. I'm still looking for something + with the guy I'm trying to get over now. Which is funny bc this guy now also motivated me to go for a promotion and I got it. Haha weird Anyway I'm sure once this this blows over I'll see it from a different angle and maybe not know "why" but I'll find something positive from it. Hopefully you can too 1
Recommended Posts