was I so blind? his un-love-you confession broke me completely

[whitewhale]

It must be an old story to all readers of the breaking-up forum. but if I don't write something and if I don't feel support I might go crazy or what not. My already ex-boyfriend, that seemed so in love with me, so caring, even two days ago, has suddenly declared that I am not the love of his life and so he must stop going out with me and seek his soulmate. He's 5 ys younger than me, and seems a bit immature emotionally, but maybe it's me or something. I feel so terrible mostly because I feel so deceived.

he claims to be very religious and so on, but only sticks to the rules he likes I think, because sex wasn't much of a problem and yet now he told me that with the girl he knew would be the one and only he would only sleep after wedding... would that mean that already after two days of going out he knew I wasn't the one? Because that's how fast we went to bed...

I know how it may sound, so to make it even more bizzare - I was a virgin then. And I'm not like 17 or 21. I'm 27. I waited long for the right guy. I was so sure he was the right one.

He kept being convincing. And now he sais he doesn't love, probably never has and we want different things and... I loved him too much! well, that's beyond me. I never showed too much affection, like in public or something. I was just happily in love so I showed it, that's all.

Now I feel like I can never trust a guy again because love and not-love seem sometimes identical? Or was I stupidly blind?

[Merin]

Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

It's unfortunate that so often when people break up the party being broken up with didn't see it coming and is left feeling blindsided...

 

IME when I've ended a relationship I knew for quite sometime BEFORE actually ending the relationship that it was no longer working for me... and although there was signs (even if subtle) the Guy in question usually always missed those signs OR choose to ignore altogether there was a problem.

 

It sounds to me as if your now EXBF was feeling perhaps that this had become "To much" when he said you were to in love with him... it would indicate to me that he felt to responsible for your happiness... while you may not have felt you were being clingy and had only been expressing your Love for him... in his mind he saw that differently and honestly it freaked him out.

 

The rest of what he's telling you... IMO is just him being a sh*thead... the part about not having sex before marriage is all fine and well... good to go... BUT IMO he's telling you that now just to be a jackass... so hey congrats to him on that end... he's officially a jackass.

 

Hang in there.. break ups are never easy... but keep in mind as well that it takes both people involved in the relationship to make it work... you couldn't read his mind and know how he was feeling about things... if he wasn't adult enough to tell you what was on his mind before taking a drastic measure to end the relationship then this is on him.. you walk away with a clear conscience knowing you couldn't make this work by yourself.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by whitewhale

he claims to be very religious and so on, but only sticks to the rules he likes I think

 

All of us, if we're honest, have a little of this. Sounds to me though like he's making up an excuse after the fact - compares you with an idealised woman, forgetting that he too has fallen short.

 

 

I was a virgin then. And I'm not like 17 or 21. I'm 27. I waited long for the right guy. I was so sure he was the right one.

 

I'm sorry. That sucks.

 

 

Now I feel like I can never trust a guy again because love and not-love seem sometimes identical? Or was I stupidly blind?

 

I'm afraid that some people in this life behave as they please. Most people are kind and trustworthy, but the only way to weed out the bad ones is over time. This is why it's good to save the sex and deeper commitment - so you don't end up tied to someone who is going to treat you badly.

[whitewhale]

Yes, it sucks awfuly that when you wait with others too long before you're sure they live you, or you find out there's nothing to be waiting for. This time I was "sure" - at the moment I was. I was in love for some time before we got together so it wasn't like I was too eager. Though maybe it looks, maybe it even is, and I don't want to believe that it is/was the fact that I chose I waited altogether too long. But I really was so damn sure...

 

You are so right about the idealized woman. He is looking for a nonexistent perfection I think, and I just turned out to be too normal for his liking. I think so because I used to be like that years ago. It's linked to being in love with love itself. So when the first phase of fascinations fades he thinks it's over generally, and friendship or any other positive feelings there are go hange themselves. he was to be in love for ever without actually doing the work of love and being in a relationship...

 

like it was said in the other post above - it takes two to make it work. Takes two to tango. And I was dancing alone without being wiling or able to see that...