mrwigand Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I've been broken up with my ex-girlfriend who was diagnosed borderline personality disorder months ago, but we've maintained contact primarily because she still owes me money from this hilarious time I bailed her out of jail. It’s supremely confusing and painful dealing with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (I imagine especially if you had a romantic relationship with that person), and I have to admit that to this day I have a hard time emotionally detaching from some of her behavior. I guess I just wanted a little feedback and perspective from someone who doesn’t suffer from disordered thinking. The last time I had contact with my ex for her to pay me back some money, I felt like she went out of her way to show me pictures of her and her new boyfriend. It was weird, and personally I felt it displayed poor boundaries on her part, like she was trying to thrust something in my face. I didn’t get angry or anything. Rather, I sent her an email telling her that I cared about her as a friend and wasn’t upset, but I felt like I could use some space considering I had a reaction to seeing she was with someone. I asked her if in the future she could mail the money to me or drop it through my mail slot. I know that email sounds a little on the emo side, but I thought it was best to be honest and request what I felt I needed emotionally in a way that made it clear she didn’t do anything wrong and that I cared about her as a friend. She never responded. I contacted her about a month later wishing her well and asking if she could pay me back another 100 bucks. She didn’t respond to my email for almost a week so I had to text her, and she said she had seen the email and she could do that timeline. In general, it just felt like she was being evasive and cold. And then I asked if she could mail me the money or just drop it off in my mail slot and she “politely” but roundly refused, which upset me because throughout the process I had been extremely accommodating to her in terms of giving her MORE than enough time to pay me back (it's been months since I bailed her out, and I only just recently got her to pay back half of what she owes), and she basically refused to accommodate me in this one area (especially after I sent her an email telling her it would literally be less painful for me if she could just mail the money). I was also really hurt by her tone during this conversation. Her tone was very much, “I just want to pay you back so I can finally remove you from my life.” Obviously, I asked for space myself, so if that’s how she feels that’s fair, but it just seems like she goes out of her way to couch things in a way that is more hurtful than it needs to be. Even when I asked for space, I tried to do it in a way that made it clear that she had a special place in my heart (for better or worse), and that’s why I needed space. Whenever she communicates something like that, she makes me feel like I’m worth less than gum on the bottom of her shoe. And it just sucks and it kind of makes me feel like crap. I know that's giving her far too much power to take some of this heart, but I can't deny that it affects me. I guess I just wanted some outsiders' perspective. I mean, did I something wrong asking for space? Was it that unreasonable asking her to mail the money? I know it’s a little on the emo side, but I also feel like… She owes me money, and I’ve given her MONTHS to pay me back at her preferred snail’s pace, and I’ve never given her resistance on that. I know these sound like crazy questions, but it’s so frustrating dealing with someone who’s emotional reactions are so harsh and arbitrary and who seemingly has no empathy or understanding for where I’m coming from (and yet she demands TOTAL understanding when it comes to her). I don’t know, sometimes I just want to tell her off. She treated me like crud during the course of our relationship with the way she juggled me with her ex-boyfriend, and somehow she’s always the one reacting with self-righteous indignation, as if she’s been wronged in some way. But I’ve never gone out of my way to make her feel hurt, while it seems she constantly treats my feelings with abject recklessness. But there’s also that part of me that just wants her to validate me and my perspective, to say, “I understand that you need space. I care about and want the best for you so obviously I’m going to mail the money if that’s what you think you need right now.”I know that’s weirdly specific, but those are the same standards I hold myself to. I try to be patient and understanding with her, and I rarely get it in return. I also know those expectations are completely out of alignment with the reality of her disorder.
lollipopspot Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Unless you're desperate, I would personally just write off the money, go NC, and move on. Getting mad at her and expecting understanding from her is useless, if her diagnosis is correct. Life is short; your hopes in this case are bound to bring more aggravation. Just consider it a learning experience. 1
loveweary11 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 My ex wife was also diagnosed borderline. The short reply is yes... the breakup is very painful compared to non mentally ull breakups, but.... It's a lot less painful than being in a relationship or married to someone with bpd. 1
Downtown Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Did I something wrong asking for space? Was it that unreasonable asking her to mail the money? Wigand, I agree with the advice given you by Lollipop and LoveWeary. If your exGF is a BPDer, she likely has the emotional development of a four year old. It therefore is unreasonable to expect her to respond to your reasonable requests in a mature and rational manner. A BPDer's "reality" consists of the intense feelings she is experiencing at this VERY MOMENT -- feelings she will perceive to be self evident "facts." That is, the intense feelings will severely distort her perception of your intentions and motivations. This is why BPD is said to be a "thought distortion." If you're interested, you may want to take a look at my description of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread -- where I describe my experiences with my BPDer exW and Rebel describes his exGF's behavior. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Wigand. 4
frigginlost Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Yes, I had an ex girlfriend who was BPD. Without a doubt, the most painful thing I have ever been through when she walked out. I'm still not completely over it, and don't really know that I ever will be. The way that their actions can bend and tangle your mind, is extremely exhausting, and extremely painful. What has helped me is to slowly realize that they cannot control what they do. It takes years of therapy. I also try to feel somewhat sorry for them as it has to be painful in some ways to have to live with it. The only way you can heal is to go complete and total no contact. They are masters at manipulation... 1
GammaLeonis Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Yeah, my ex had some borderline tendencies, I can relate somewhat.
Palmeiras Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 BPD... Oh boy. I'm not even going to get into what I personally think of this. However, I will give you something that might help you sort out your perspective here: You cared about this girl, and you were invested in the relationship. She cares about only whatever she is concerned with in the moment, and since your relationship with her is not in the present, she doesn't care about you. Moreover, her aloofness and passive-aggression is probably calculated to an extent, with the desired outcome being that you will get frustrated and just give up on getting back what she owes you. My advice: Give her what she wants. Leave her be, take the loss, and know that she is not capable of caring about you or your past relationship. Walk away and save your energy and your sanity. 2
saintgrays Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Wigand, I agree with the advice given you by Lollipop and LoveWeary. If your exGF is a BPDer, she likely has the emotional development of a four year old. It therefore is unreasonable to expect her to respond to your reasonable requests in a mature and rational manner. A BPDer's "reality" consists of the intense feelings she is experiencing at this VERY MOMENT -- feelings she will perceive to be self evident "facts." That is, the intense feelings will severely distort her perception of your intentions and motivations. This is why BPD is said to be a "thought distortion." If you're interested, you may want to take a look at my description of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread -- where I describe my experiences with my BPDer exW and Rebel describes his exGF's behavior. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Wigand. Is it possible that whe can talk in private ? i wanted to send a PM but i don't see the option around.
Downtown Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Is it possible that whe can talk in private ? i wanted to send a PM but i don't see the option around. SG, I cannot contact you by PM until you've been here a short while and accumulated a certain number of posts (I don't know how many are required). When you meet that threshold requirement for PM privileges, I would be glad to exchange PMs if you are uncomfortable sharing important information about your situation on the open forum. If you can share some basic information here, however, I would encourage you to start your own thread and leave a post here in this thread announcing that you've done so (I receive alerts about all new posts in threads to which I subscribe). By posting on the open forum, you likely will benefit from the diverse experiences of many different members -- not just my experiences. And, by sharing your own experiences openly, you likely will help numerous other members and lurkers who are struggling in similar circumstances. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 I agree with some of the other posts. Let this one go. Take the loss. You knew who you were dealing with when you bailed her out; you should have had better sense. Why would you want to be a friend to someone like this? Move on with your life.
Author mrwigand Posted September 12, 2015 Author Posted September 12, 2015 As the title says, I'm 7 months removed from an intense but very painful relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Let me start by saying that my ex-girlfriend told me at the end of everything that she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and I know much of what I experienced was deeply, embarrassingly dysfunctional, but I can't help but still feel slightly wounded from the experience even so many months later. I think I just need to get it out. Also, I want to emphasize that although, obviously, I'm here seeking some kind of support or feedback, I'm not constantly ruminating. I'm doing well, have great friends and family, and a new job that I love. But I have to admit that this is still something I think about and to this day have very confused and painful feelings... Some of this probably isn't helped by the fact that my ex-girlfriend--let's call her Marie--was the first person I developed really strong feelings for (We meet in our mid-twenties, but I was late bloomer with relationships lol, and I feel for her hard. But I quickly started learning the pain she carried beneath the surface. She revealed to me that she was she was sexually abused as a child by her biological father, and that has left her dealing with PTSD and very severe depression as well. She told that she's tried to commit suicide in the past. Of course, that's only one side of the coin. The other is the absolutely incredible person she is. Fiery, compassionate, worldly, ambitious. She was an amazing woman. When we first started dating, she was only a few months removed from being in a very serious and, by her own account, volatile and dysfunctional relationship with someone named James. From what she told me, James was VERY unstable. In addition to being profoundly emotionally abusive and possessive, she told me that James also hit her on a few occasions. Everything she told me about this person made me hate him. James and her still maintained a relationship as friends after they broke up. When James found out that she was dating me seriously, he freaked out and basically skipped town, leaving Marie to clean up his mess. He placed a huge emotional burden on Marie for being with me, basically saying that she betrayed him. All of this of course made Marie feel miserable. But they seemed to have a connection that was hard to shake. It was one of those things where Marie would frequently say, "He's an *******, but he knows me better than anyone else... He'll always be apart of my life." A few weeks later James returned, presumably after a stay in mental health facility, to settle his debts. First thing I had a hard time dealing with was that Marie told me that James had so thoroughly alienated everyone that he HAD to stay with her. Ugh. Secondly, what I didn't realize was that this meant stealing. He took Marie to the mall where he was caught stealing by the police. Both of them were charged with theft and are currently awaiting their court date. Marie didn't steal anything but she was with him and knew what he was there to do. I helped get Marie and James out of prison. Marie was incredibly shaken and depressed. She was afraid that her life was over. I stood by her and told I her I loved her and wanted her to support her through this. But I told her I couldn't necessarily do it if James was going to continue to be a part of her life. Eventually James left the city, but only after he basically had a breakdown because I spent the night with Marie (he was still harboring some delusions that they were going to get back together). He tore through her room and found a condom. When she tried to stop him, he hit her. Anyway, despite the impending court date things with Marie were going well for a while (I'm well aware how hilarious that statement reads in hindsight lol). Things fell apart between me and Marie one night when I told her as calmly and constructively as I could that it made me uncomfortable how frequently she texted with James in front of me (they truly did it constantly). She got really upset. She accused me of being insecure, of not loving her "unconditionally", of not being able to "handle it". Then she told me the only reason she spoke to him so much was because she was feeling really depressed and was considering checking herself into a facility and he was the only one she felt comfortable talking to about those issues. I told her I understood, but that in the context of our relationship I didn't think it was fair to me to caught in the middle of that anymore. That was basically the beginning of the end. We broke up (got back together a few times, but it never got better). Then there was a period of months when I was forced to deal with her because she owed me money from when I bailed her out of jail. That was rough. For one, she was flaky about the money initially, and basically forced me to harangue it out of her. Secondly, it felt like she was constantly doing things that were hurtful and ignorant of my feelings... She always seemed to find ways and reasons to tell me about people who were hitting on her, who she was interested in... One time she even managed to show me pictures of her and new boyfriend when I was just meeting with her so she could pay me back some money. After a lot of non-sense, I eventually blew up on her a little, and I told her how upset I was with certain things. I told her how much it hurt me that I felt I was constantly placed beneath her ex-boyfriend. And she told me the only reason she communicated with him so much was because he was threatening to kill her or something. I don't know what to believe. I know that's not what she said when I first brought it up. But she apologized to me for certain things in as sincere a fashion I think as she could, and we're ostensibly on good terms. The truth is though is that even 7 months out I still feel really hurt sometimes. And really angry. She just paid back the last of the money (the last couple of times she's paid me back very diligently and respectfully), so thankfully there's no reason for me to have to communicate with her anymore. But she and I have a lot of mutual friends, and I'm kind of terrified of running into her at parties and stuff. Even texting with her about the money is hurtful for no particular reason. I just have a lot of emotions I don't know what to do with. I know that in the 7 months we've been broken up that she did eventually completely cut her ex out of her life. Now apparently she's in therapy twice a week, and I know she's been seeing someone for a couple of months (because she never fails to mention it, even though I don't ask). I'm obviously glad she's doing better, but there's also a very petty, emotionally injured part of me that is angry as well. I'm doing well too, but I will say this... She's in a relationship right now, and I don't know if I'm ready to be in another relationship myself yet. As irrational and petty as this, sometimes I wrestle with feeling like things are.. unfair. Obviously, in my heart of hearts I want what's best for her, and I'm glad she's done certain things like remove her ex from her life, but sometimes I can't help but think... Why couldn't you do that for me? When I asked you to? When I was basically crying for help for you to do it. I know she was only ever going to be able to do that when she was ready, but I've definitely had the thoughts. I tried really hard to be a loving partner until I decided I had to get out because it was unhealthy. But sometimes I can't shake this notion that I was just an emotional pitstop for her on this larger, toxic journey with her ex. Like I was just a stop-gap measure or something. Believe me, I know so much of what I just described was profoundly unhealthy, and obviously I should have run away from that relationship MUCH SOONER. Despite the that, the dissolution of the relationship hurt, and still hurts sometimes. Anyone with experience with toxic relationships like this? Why are they so hard to get over sometimes?
Raena Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Why are toxic relationships so hard to get over? Because it's almost like a drug. You become addicted to it in a way. I'm almost 2 years out of a toxic relationship as well and I still am having a hard time with it. I don't get it either but my only conclusion is what I said above. You become used to the drama and the constant push and pull... it's what keeps you coming back to it, even if it's just in your thoughts. Your best bet is to stay as far away as possible because as long as you still have feelings for her you won't be able to let go and could end up sucked right back into it.
SpiralOut Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 (edited) Your mistake was dating someone who was still in love with her ex. It will always hurt to see someone you care about fawning over someone else. She made a mistake too. She should have told you that she can only do a casual relationship or nothing at all, as she clearly wasn't ready for a serious relationship with anybody. But for whatever reason, she didn't think about that and she didn't treat you fairly. Sometimes toxic relationships are hard to get over because we blame ourselves. I sure did, anyway, when I dated a man with schizophrenia. I really wondered what was wrong with me. I was almost more angry with myself than with him. Try to forgive yourself and your ex, and definitely don't talk to her anymore. Edited September 12, 2015 by SpiralOut
Author mrwigand Posted September 12, 2015 Author Posted September 12, 2015 (edited) What was your experience, Downtown, if you don't mind me asking? How long did it take you detach from a relationship like this? Hey, I know this is very delayed, but I just wanted to thank everyone for offering their insight and support here. As it turns out, I was able to get fully paid back without too much consternation, but thankfully I don't need to communicate with my ex anymore. Edited September 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge
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