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I Told Her We Could Be Friends In The Future And Now Regret It. Obsessing Over It, Pl

SwedishJohn10

By SwedishJohn10
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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SwedishJohn10 Member

SwedishJohn10

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My gf and I of 4 years broke up about a month ago. I was the one who first broke up with her as I caught her visiting her ex while we were in a fight. After a day or two I realized it wasnt worth throwing 4 years down the drain for one little mistake. So I decided to forgive her but at this point she wasnt sure if she wanted to get back in the relationship, which crushed me because she was the one who messed up. Anyways after a week or so of fighting for the relationship I went NC and knew that fighting anymore would only push her away. For weeks I worked on myself, then jump to about a week ago she begins texting me every other day for various reasons that seem legitimate but also seem like an excuse to talk to me. I always replied but never initiated the conversation nor was the last one to text back. Anyways about 3 days ago she texts me in the morning saying "can we still be friends please" and this threw me off because part of me wanted her back but the other part of me wanted to move on. For about 2 days I thought of how to reply and finally ended up saying "im sorry but if were trying to move on i think being friends will hurt too much, at least for a while". She replied saying she understood and agreed but maybe in the future we could be friends. Now, my problem is that I completely regret telling her that we could be friends in the future. I feel like I ruined the whole NC by doing this because now shes satisfied that we will be friends in the future and all she has to do is wait a few months til I forgive her. This drove me crazy the whole night until the next morning I texted her saying "Im still so angry at you for what you did im not sure if I can find myself forgiving you ever. You have no idea what you put me through". She replied with "Im really so sorry for that and I hope one day u can find it in your heart to forgive me."

 

I feel like she didn't take my last text too seriously. And now she's all happy go lucky cuz she got away with what she did and knows that months from now I was bound to forgive her and would be there for support (even though we're just friends). In truth I don't think we could become friends in the future and im not sure why I told her we could, probably because it was too hard not to.

 

My question is, how do I fix this? Is there a better chance of her coming back to me now that I was more kind and gentlemanlike and told her someday we could be friends or did that just ruin it because now she feels no remorse?

Grumpybutfun Established Member

Grumpybutfun

Posted
Posted (edited)

A relationship that is over is over. You broke up. The friends thing is just a way for you two to have closure without hating one another. You can't be friends...heck, you sound like you are livid and really resent her talking to an ex while you two were fighting. Therefore, don't do anything but block her and go NC so you can move on with your life and find someone more compatible and more trustworthy in your future. Your obsession is just your ego being sulky that she didn't feel bad enough about her actions. Let it go. You cannot control her reactions. Look up 180.

However, if you want her back. Call her and ask for a sit down talk where you two discuss what happened like adults to find a solution for moving forward in your relationship. Place firmer boundaries, ask for what you want and let go of trying to make her pay for her sins...you are just making yourself look desperate. A relationship is built on liking each other so anything you do that makes you or her angry has no place in a reconciliation.

Good luck,

Grumps

Edited by Grumpybutfun
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theredpill Established Member

theredpill

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You want her, no amount of chasing will help at this point - please understand this. Let her come to you and she either will or she won't, if you chase she never will.

 

 

Focus on yourself, become your own best version and get out there, meet other girls, be the man she fell in love with, not a moping mess.

 

 

Good luck dude, I feel your pain!

mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

Posted
Posted
My question is, how do I fix this? Is there a better chance of her coming back to me now that I was more kind and gentlemanlike and told her someday we could be friends or did that just ruin it because now she feels no remorse?

 

There's nothing to fix. You got your anger off your chest. You were honest. Don't revisit that to try to fix anything.

 

Is there a better chance ...

 

No.

 

or did that just ruin it...

 

No.

 

That's not how it works. At this point in your four year relationship, your one or two actions does not affect how she feels about you. There is no miracle catch in the end zone to win and no swinging at an outside curveball to lose. How she feels about you has got nothing to do with that, and it has far more to do with who you showed her you were over the past four years.

 

That doesn't mean that you were bad either. But whatever it was, it was not enough.

 

She took your last text plenty seriously. I hate to tell you this way, but the truth is that she just doesn't care as much as you about it. She's not thinking down the road. She just thinks, well, he's pissed now, maybe he'll get over it down the road. She can wait for you, because it doesn't mean too much to wait.

 

You know how you can't imagine being friends with her? Just like you couldn't imagine that she'd snake around with some guy behind your back? You called it a mistake. She didn't think of it that way. She doesn't think of your breakup like you do.

 

Imagine how you'd have to feel to act the way she's acting. Imagine how little you'd have to care. That's her.

 

Your best move is to simply ignore her future attempts to connect, until that one day when you don't give a ****.

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted

If you change or block all ways for her to contact you, then she won't be back. If she manages to evade all that and still contacts you, you can say "I have nothing for you. Goodbye".

 

It really doesn't take all of this drama. Nail the damb door shut and be done with it.

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SwedishJohn10 Member

SwedishJohn10

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Half of me wants her back, the other half of me is prepared to move on. The rule of NC is to not contact her unless she contacts you with no uncertainty that she wants to get back together. So i do want her back but for what she did i can not lower myself to fight for her anymore. Though im thinking of sending a long text pouring my heart and anger out saying how much respect ive lost for her that she didnt try for the relationship and that friendship will never work out if we move on. Hopefully that wont sound too immature i just feel like i need to get that load off my chest. Do you think that'll make her realize what she lost and that she actually did lose me? Im just afraid that i will then end up regretting that message too. Now it seems that she wont come in contact with me for the reason that she thinks she hasnt lost me and the hope that i will be there again as a friend. I sent one long angry msg after i found out she went to go see her ex AGAIN after we broke up and that kinda made me feel good and glad to move on. I guess its just easier to move on when you hate the other person.

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SwedishJohn10 Member

SwedishJohn10

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
A relationship that is over is over. You broke up. The friends thing is just a way for you two to have closure without hating one another. You can't be friends...heck, you sound like you are livid and really resent her talking to an ex while you two were fighting. Therefore, don't do anything but block her and go NC so you can move on with your life and find someone more compatible and more trustworthy in your future. Your obsession is just your ego being sulky that she didn't feel bad enough about her actions. Let it go. You cannot control her reactions. Look up 180.

However, if you want her back. Call her and ask for a sit down talk where you two discuss what happened like adults to find a solution for moving forward in your relationship. Place firmer boundaries, ask for what you want and let go of trying to make her pay for her sins...you are just making yourself look desperate. A relationship is built on liking each other so anything you do that makes you or her angry has no place in a reconciliation.

Good luck,

Grumps

Half of me wants her back, the other half of me is prepared to move on. The rule of NC is to not contact her unless she contacts you with no uncertainty that she wants to get back together. So i do want her back but for what she did i can not lower myself to fight for her anymore. Though im thinking of sending a long text pouring my heart and anger out saying how much respect ive lost for her that she didnt try for the relationship and that friendship will never work out if we move on. Hopefully that wont sound too immature i just feel like i need to get that load off my chest. Do you think that'll make her realize what she lost and that she actually did lose me? Im just afraid that i will then end up regretting that message too. Now it seems that she wont come in contact with me for the reason that she thinks she hasnt lost me and the hope that i will be there again as a friend. I sent one long angry msg and told her to never talk to me again after i found out she went to go see her ex AGAIN after we broke up and that kinda made me feel good and glad to move on plus a few weeks later she did end up messaging me. I guess its just easier to move on when you hate the other person.

Edited by SwedishJohn10
Grumpybutfun Established Member

Grumpybutfun

Posted
Posted
Half of me wants her back, the other half of me is prepared to move on. The rule of NC is to not contact her unless she contacts you with no uncertainty that she wants to get back together. So i do want her back but for what she did i can not lower myself to fight for her anymore. Though im thinking of sending a long text pouring my heart and anger out saying how much respect ive lost for her that she didnt try for the relationship and that friendship will never work out if we move on. Hopefully that wont sound too immature i just feel like i need to get that load off my chest. Do you think that'll make her realize what she lost and that she actually did lose me? Im just afraid that i will then end up regretting that message too. Now it seems that she wont come in contact with me for the reason that she thinks she hasnt lost me and the hope that i will be there again as a friend. I sent one long angry msg after i found out she went to go see her ex AGAIN after we broke up and that kinda made me feel good and glad to move on. I guess its just easier to move on when you hate the other person.

 

If you feel it is lowering to fight for her, you do not respect her. If you do not respect her, I would let this relationship go. The NC I'm referring to is to completely and cleanly stop any contact with her forever. She is in a relationship of some sorts with her ex if he is causing this much drama. I know this is hard, but don't invest in a relationship where the woman has one foot in another man's bed.

Clean cut is best. There is someone infinitely better for you out there. Rant and rave, write down all of your feelings but do not let her see it. She will only consider your anger and your emotion as a weakness. If she wanted you, she wouldn't have been talking to an ex. This is not healthy. Find someone more healthy and stable.

Best,

Grumps

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