Conflicted12 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Broke up 2 weeks ago with gf of 2 years. One week NC Short story didn't feel sexually attracted to her anymore. Wonderful giving, generous person, we had a deep bond and never argued. Was a very warm loving relationship, the very best of friends. I yearn to write her a a letter to express my sincere sorrow at causing her great pain. And to say thank you. That I will always respect her and cherish our time together (soo many great times) And that I am hurting too. Is this a bad idea? This NC thing seems juvenile and a bit brutal to be honest.. Thoughts? Please do not reply if all you are going to say is that I am shallow.
kasop Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Sexual attraction can be a deal breaker. If this has truley devastated her then theres not much you can say to make her feel better. Even the most encouraging words can just make her feel worst. Dont try to use her to relieve your on guilt. 1
theredpill Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 It could go either way, if you're over the relationship and it'll make you feel better, do it - call and meet up. Be prepared for tears or any range of emotions. If you're not over it, take more time so you're thinking straight, one week isn't enough, I know it's hard to not reach out, only 2 days for me but I know I won't get in contact because it's really for the best for both of us.
Author Conflicted12 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Sexual attraction can be a deal breaker. If this has truley devastated her then theres not much you can say to make her feel better. Even the most encouraging words can just make her feel worst. Dont try to use her to relieve your on guilt. I hear you. But the intention is not to use her. Expressing ones true feelings can sometimes be a good thing surely not?
frigginlost Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) Broke up 2 weeks ago with gf of 2 years. One week NC Short story didn't feel sexually attracted to her anymore. Wonderful giving, generous person, we had a deep bond and never argued. Was a very warm loving relationship, the very best of friends. I yearn to write her a a letter to express my sincere sorrow at causing her great pain. And to say thank you. That I will always respect her and cherish our time together (soo many great times) And that I am hurting too. Is this a bad idea? This NC thing seems juvenile and a bit brutal to be honest.. Thoughts? Please do not reply if all you are going to say is that I am shallow. Too bad. Asking for us to not reply because you don't want to hear the answer you are looking for, is not what a community message board is about. Go to your friends for that. Absolutely a bad thing to do. If you have no desire to work it out with her, than you leave her alone. Forever. You may end up talking again at some point, but right now, it is absolutely uncool to basically tell someone they are not good enough for you, but they are a great person. It is extremely selfish of you to project your pain on her. Edited July 9, 2015 by frigginlost 3
Author Conflicted12 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Bit harsh? I would in no way be saying she's not good enough for me. I do get your point. But it's not my pain I'm thinking of here. does she not deserve perhaps a more though felt explanation?
mightycpa Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I hear you. But the intention is not to use her. Expressing ones true feelings can sometimes be a good thing surely not? Don't do that to her. Leave her alone. She's probably grieving. The last thing she needs you to do is drag it out. What you want to write is like breaking up with her one more time, just because it makes you feel good. Leave her alone. That's what a breakup means. 2
frigginlost Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Bit harsh? I would in no way be saying she's not good enough for me. I do get your point. But it's not my pain I'm thinking of here. does she not deserve perhaps a more though felt explanation? Sorry, not trying to be harsh. I'm a total believer of Limited Contact, but right now, any positive thing you say to her, or sorrow you show is going to be read by her, and she is going to ask the same question over and over again; Why? Then why did you dump me? Don't add to her pain right now. I understand you are hurt and probably feel guilt, but you have to ride those waves alone right now. Give it some time...
Author Conflicted12 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 So I already know what happens next. She has a few drinks this weekend and calls me and texts me (like last weekend) Last weekend I replied once saying are you ok (obvious she was out late and drinking) and that was it. Do I ignore these completely? I know it will happen. It is very hard to just completely ignore a person whom you had this deep relationship with. What would you guys do it this situation?
mightycpa Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 So I already know what happens next. She has a few drinks this weekend and calls me and texts me (like last weekend) Last weekend I replied once saying are you ok (obvious she was out late and drinking) and that was it. Do I ignore these completely? I know it will happen. It is very hard to just completely ignore a person whom you had this deep relationship with. What would you guys do it this situation?The right thing. Do I ignore these completely? Yes, you do. Then she'll wonder how you can just turn your back and feel nothing. Don't feel sorry for her. This will empower her to feel nothing right back at you, then she'll be free. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen. Let it. Don't interfere with the natural progression of things. Be a ghost, because every word, every text, every email from you is false hope. Don't give her that.
Author Conflicted12 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Owing to this overwhelming response I am absolutely not going to write that letter. I worry for her safety if she is out binge drinking though, genuine worry. Like if she calls at 3 am I dred if she is in control and looking after herself. I guess I need to be cruel to be kind and do nothing. We rent a property together still, and I've agreed to pay rent for a few months for obvious reasons. Do I keep potential texts about this purely "professional"?
ravfour4 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I doubt it was purely physical, in sure mental and emotional reasons are what made you no longer sexually attracted. It's hard to be sexually attracted to someone who makes you feel like **** or who is acting distant as hell. My ex and I had stopped being intimate because she made me feel uncomfortable as hell, not because I didn't think she was hot.
Author Conflicted12 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 I doubt it was purely physical, in sure mental and emotional reasons are what made you no longer sexually attracted. It's hard to be sexually attracted to someone who makes you feel like **** or who is acting distant as hell. My ex and I had stopped being intimate because she made me feel uncomfortable as hell, not because I didn't think she was hot. Not that's not it at all. Thoroughly enjoyed each others company. To be honest there is a bit of an age gap between us which after a while began to bother me also.
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Not that's not it at all. Thoroughly enjoyed each others company. To be honest there is a bit of an age gap between us which after a while began to bother me also. Why? How big an age gap?
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Jeesh..... My father was 11 years older than my mother. Married 57 years. I'm 6 years older than my Husband. My elder brother is 9 years older than his wife. My cousin is 6 years younger than his wife. I'm sorry, what was your problem again....?
ravfour4 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 So in a year she became terribly ugly? I'm not buying it, if you think she's an awesome person and found her very attractive a year ago, I'm guessing something else is causing your loss of sexual attraction. Maybe you think she's boring, maybe you want someone more exciting, maybe she doesn't make you feel comfortable of like a man. It doesn't make a lot of sense to find someone attractive inside and out and then only on the inside a year later. That age gap isn't that large.
Author Conflicted12 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Well, everyones different eh? The age was only slight in comparison to the attraction. I guess we want different things right now, she to have kids ASAP and get married. Me, I ain't ready for that yet.
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Well that IS a deal-breaker, because obviously she has a body-clock to consider.... You've been together for 2 years. How long have you known you had differing views on having a family?
Author Conflicted12 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Well you hit the nail on the head Tara. We never had a really serious discussion about the timings of this, I always kind of changed the subject. I want it, but in a few years. I don't want to have to feel rushed and pressurised by her body clock I guess. Not an easy situation. Perhaps I began to resent her for this, and this brought on the unattraction. Is this possible?
S_A Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Well, everyones different eh? The age was only slight in comparison to the attraction. I guess we want different things right now, she to have kids ASAP and get married. Me, I ain't ready for that yet. Did you express your intentions from the start? I am wondering if some of the pain she is experiencing comes from the fact that she feels she just threw away two years of her life; two years that she feels she could not afford to just give away. I am not accusing you of this, but a guy cannot mess with a woman's time. If a guy wants to sleep around, that's totally OK. But you can't do it with BS promises. If a guy is just looking for "fun" relationship, then he has to be honest about this and not lead the woman on. Again, not saying you did this. I guess I am just sort of ranting in general.
Author Conflicted12 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 In hindsight I went with the flow, went with her wishes too easily. It was her idea to move in together, I thought yea, makes practical sense for both of us. In her head she must have been thinking this is the start of my nest, as it were. I mostly definety did not sleep around when I was with her. Never crossed my mind. Nor am I in any hurry to do that now. Like I said, in soo many ways we had a wonderful life together. This is tough, and obviously runs a bit deeper than me losing attraction to her. I didn't make any promises though. Perhaps we should have forced a mature conversation about where we saw our life in 2, 5 years from the start.
wizer Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I agree with the others who have advised you to leave her alone and not contact her, for all the reasons they gave you. It will only increase and prolong her pain. However I stop short of advising you not to return a text or a call if she reaches out to you as you expect her to do. You could respond in a compassionate way expressing your concerns but keep the response brief and do not in any way suggest things are any different or that you will come back to her. I would steer clear of any more discussions pertaining to why you broke up with her other than keeping it general and saying she's a great gal but you were in different places or whatever, or better yet just tell her you've got nothing more to add to the subject and you're sorry she's hurting but there's nothing else to say.
S_A Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) Perhaps we should have forced a mature conversation about where we saw our life in 2, 5 years from the start. Ouch man. The convo doesn't need to happen on the first date but it should happen pretty early (sort of have to feel it out). A lot of guys make this mistake because it's something outside of our contemplation (the woman's biological clock and how big of a deal it is). You sound like a nice dude though that just messed in making your future plans clear. I'm not trying to judge or anything, it's just that a lot of guys are indifferent to stuff like this. When I was really young my dad had a really serious talk with me and taught me to never mess with a woman's time. He wasn't trying to say to not have "fun", but to just not waste their time. He probably went through what you did and out of guilt felt like he had to teach me to not repeat his mistake. Honestly... I feel like you need to help her get through this. It may take a few weeks, but you should talk to her. Concretely position your intentions (you can't be with her and you don't ever plan to have kids etc) beforehand though. You can't just cut her off. You need to help her through this IMO. You spent two years with her and enjoyed her time, right? She wasn't an enemy. She was a companion. Don't just drop her like that. Just be clear that there can't be a relationship so that she does not think she still has a chance. She may try to negotiate though and say "Ok fine, I don't want kids", but you gotta' hold your ground. Even if you accepted such a proposal, it'd only create resentment down the road. Edited July 9, 2015 by S_A
Satu Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I yearn to write her a a letter to express my sincere sorrow at causing her great pain. And to say thank you. That I will always respect her and cherish our time together (soo many great times) And that I am hurting too. Is this a bad idea? This NC thing seems juvenile and a bit brutal to be honest.. Thoughts? Please do not reply if all you are going to say is that I am shallow. You're free to do whatever you want, so do what you want to do. NC is not a must. It's an option, nothing more.
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