notmel Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 My wife of ten years came home one evening at 2:00 am on a Saturday. She had been non communicative all week I mean zero words exchanged. I confronted her in the morning before I went for a run. I said I know you were out till two in the morning I have no idea where you were or what you were doing.(which was not the truth I expected and discovered later than she had decided to attend her companies annual Xmas party solo). She then lied and said I visited my mother (not a complete lie because I am sure she did visit her mother at some point in the evening.) I told her I did not trust her anymore that I wanted her out and that she was to be gone and if she did not leave I would simply have the locks changed. I also told her the marriage was over I wanted a divorce and that I was going to be looking for a girl friend immediately. When I came back from the run she was gone. Fast forward 6 months there is a quiet knock on my door its the ex. she has still has most of her things in my house wants to pick up a few things. Long story short she is interested in intimacy but she informs me that she knows about my gf and that I am a cheater. I have not gone out of my way to hide anything I informed every one I was separated from my ex. She alternatively has kept our status a big secret from every one but a very few people her family because she is living with them and two of her closest friends her co workers fb friends etc know nothing. This is the tail end of a much longer story but I just want input on the issue of am I "cheating" under these circumstances.
beach Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 My wife of ten years came home one evening at 2:00 am on a Saturday. She had been non communicative all week I mean zero words exchanged. I confronted her in the morning before I went for a run. I said I know you were out till two in the morning I have no idea where you were or what you were doing.(which was not the truth I expected and discovered later than she had decided to attend her companies annual Xmas party solo). She then lied and said I visited my mother (not a complete lie because I am sure she did visit her mother at some point in the evening.) I told her I did not trust her anymore that I wanted her out and that she was to be gone and if she did not leave I would simply have the locks changed. I also told her the marriage was over I wanted a divorce and that I was going to be looking for a girl friend immediately. When I came back from the run she was gone. Fast forward 6 months there is a quiet knock on my door its the ex. she has still has most of her things in my house wants to pick up a few things. Long story short she is interested in intimacy but she informs me that she knows about my gf and that I am a cheater. I have not gone out of my way to hide anything I informed every one I was separated from my ex. She alternatively has kept our status a big secret from every one but a very few people her family because she is living with them and two of her closest friends her co workers fb friends etc know nothing. This is the tail end of a much longer story but I just want input on the issue of am I "cheating" under these circumstances. You informed her verbally the marital agreement had been changed - based on her actions. When you file for divorce and have it finalized she will understand it to be true. Besides, it doesn't seem fair to anyone you date that you aren't yet available...
KBarletta Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I feel like there is more to this story. Or I need to know more of the story to give you a solid opinion. Based on what you said, it's not 100 percent clear that your wife cheated, right? Plenty of people stay out until 2 a.m. without having affairs. Based solely on what you've shared here, it doesn't sound like a completely legit reason to throw your wife out and file for divorce, because to me there are lots of blank spaces that have yet to be filled in here. Honestly, it sounds to me like you were maybe waiting for her to slip up so you would have an excuse to get rid of her and pursue other women. Is there any truth to that? 10
understand50 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I feel like there is more to this story. Or I need to know more of the story to give you a solid opinion. Based on what you said, it's not 100 percent clear that your wife cheated, right? Plenty of people stay out until 2 a.m. without having affairs. Based solely on what you've shared here, it doesn't sound like a completely legit reason to throw your wife out and file for divorce, because to me there are lots of blank spaces that have yet to be filled in here. Honestly, it sounds to me like you were maybe waiting for her to slip up so you would have an excuse to get rid of her and pursue other women. Is there any truth to that? Yes, seems like you were on a hair trigger. You need to give us more facts. From what you have told us, yes you are cheating. 3
central Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 If you told her to leave, she left, and she knows - obviously - that you are separated, you intend to divorce, and intend to date, it isn't cheating. However, if you haven't filed for divorce it becomes messy, but still isn't cheating. Of course, it may depend on the laws where you live whether or not this can be used against you in divorce. 1
Tayla Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Any relations that are held outside the legal marriage :Voluntary sexual relations between an individual who is married and someone who is not the individual's spouse connotates adultary. If the dissolution has not been finalized, then technically to answer your question. Yes. The place of residency and by laws are key to determine what if anything is deemed separation. My state does not acknowledge the term" Legal separation". I didn't read where you filed for dissolution that same day you asked her to leave. She technically has rights to her belongings til the judge sets aside the marital assets. On a side note- kicking a spouse out for attending a christmas venture is almost as trite as kicking them out because they didn't make breakfast to your specifications. Pick your battles better next time.
Grumpybutfun Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Why do I get the feeling you already had a gf before you found an excuse with your wife going solo to her work party to kick her out? Something smells very fishy in this story.... G 11
Chi townD Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Technically, on paper, you're still married. So, yeah. But, you can argue that you two have been living separately for the last six months. So, no one should fault you or even care. (unless you live in an at fault state. Then, you might have some problems). 1
autumnnight Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Wow....so you can accuse your spouse of something, tell them the marriage is over, kick them out, and find a date the next Friday night and it's all good. I didn't read THAT in the infidelity bible..... Or is that only when we suspect the woman cheated..... 3
sandylee1 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 It's quite clear there were problems before she went to this party, because to kick her out over staying out was overkill. I take it the house yours alone hence you did this. I have to wonder why your wife of 10 years wasn't a joint owner. How is she meant to feel secure in such a marriage? I bet there's a lot more to this, because it just doesn't add up. It's one thing that you told her it was over, but to tell her you were getting a GF right there and then....Mmmmmm yeah that was already on your mind. You kicked her out and haven't seen her for 6 months , you clearly stated it was over. I wouldn't feel cheated on if I were her, but why haven't you filed for divorce? 2
MidwestUSA Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Is this the same wife you kicked out in November 2011? If so, I applaud her for staying gone. Bottom line, you two got married too quickly after meeting, and your age gap is too great. You both need to write this off and move on. (Well, it looks like you have). Does it matter much at this point if it's adultery or cheating? 1
No Limit Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Checked out your old thread and boy do I have to disagree with the common tone of the responses so far - she's been cheating for a long time before you finally got her out. She even tried to make you think you were crazy and controlling while she was leaving for "family visits" at any random time. She's not the first one that tries to weasel herself back by sex, but don't fall for it - even now she refuses to admit to you that she actually cheated, and seeing how she's not remorseful after MONTHS of being out of the house I say she'd sooner jump of the Empire State Building singing "I believe I can fly" before ever coming clean to you. Her lover probably didn't turn out to be the prince she had imagined, affairyland isn't quite what it's supposed to be when reality sets in. Stick to your GF, and don't let your wife's feeble attempts to manipulate you get you confused. But I do want to ask you - why haven't you divorced? Or was she a stay-at-home-wife so alimony payments would skyrocket? 1
Author notmel Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 As I intimated there is a long and tangled tale before I initiated our separation.We have been married 10 years we have been separated twice in that ten years.i have never been unfaithful or even got close to the line it's just not in my DNA. We have had two longish sessions of marriage counselling which I initiated. My ex comes with an extremely troubled history her father was an extremely abusive alcoholic her brother committed suicide she has two other sisters one with an eating disorder the other a 40 year old virgin no serious relationships with either sex. The mother has never remarried neither have any of the siblings married. My ex has provided financial support I suspect to her family since before the time of our marriage ,as she is the only one with regular employment. I say I suspect because my ex has refused to discuss any of her family issues with me and has in fact been obsessively secretive about them. Secretive to the point of renting a home for them one block away from our home for a period of almost 2 years before I inadvertently discovered the fact. Her mother and her sister live together and now so does my ex, this was how they lived before I met her. Her other sister moved away a number of years ago but I do not know where or when as my ex told me it was none of my business. There is tons more but what is the point we have had a troubled marriage for many years I have worked hard at making it work . I have never ever been violent threatened violence again it's not in my DNA it never has been ,the worst I can do is raise my voice if my buttons are pushed. I never said to my ex I think you've been sleeping around , though in the past I had asked her if she was having an affair,I said I do not care if you have, I do not know where you have been, I do not trust you any more. We had not shared a bed in almost a year and sex was a once a month thing.
Author notmel Posted July 10, 2015 Author Posted July 10, 2015 Checked out your old thread and boy do I have to disagree with the common tone of the responses so far - she's been cheating for a long time before you finally got her out. She even tried to make you think you were crazy and controlling while she was leaving for "family visits" at any random time. She's not the first one that tries to weasel herself back by sex, but don't fall for it - even now she refuses to admit to you that she actually cheated, and seeing how she's not remorseful after MONTHS of being out of the house I say she'd sooner jump of the Empire State Building singing "I believe I can fly" before ever coming clean to you. Her lover probably didn't turn out to be the prince she had imagined, affairyland isn't quite what it's supposed to be when reality sets in. Stick to your GF, and don't let your wife's feeble attempts to manipulate you get you confused. But I do want to ask you - why haven't you divorced? Or was she a stay-at-home-wife so alimony payments would skyrocket? We have a prenup so monetary issues are pretty cut and dried unless that is disputed. We live in a jurisdiction that divorce is basically granted if either party starts proceedings after one year of separation. I got legal advice after I asked her to leave and before getting involved with OP and was advised that adultery after separation had no legal standing in our jurisdiction . 1
understand50 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Yes, seems like you were on a hair trigger. You need to give us more facts. From what you have told us, yes you are cheating. Well, take back my "hair Trigger" comment, and wish you the best.
mightycpa Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 "Cheating" would imply that you're being dishonest, and maybe trying to have the best of both worlds. Clearly, that ain't you. That said, "cheating" is probably shorthand for adultery in this case.
No Limit Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 We have a prenup so monetary issues are pretty cut and dried unless that is disputed. We live in a jurisdiction that divorce is basically granted if either party starts proceedings after one year of separation. I got legal advice after I asked her to leave and before getting involved with OP and was advised that adultery after separation had no legal standing in our jurisdiction . Alright, sounds like all you have to do is wait then. Good luck for the future (hope your GF is better relationship material than your soon-to-be-ex)!
aliveagain Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 We have a prenup so monetary issues are pretty cut and dried unless that is disputed. We live in a jurisdiction that divorce is basically granted if either party starts proceedings after one year of separation. I got legal advice after I asked her to leave and before getting involved with OP and was advised that adultery after separation had no legal standing in our jurisdiction . You have a prenup, you have a horrible marriage and she has a secret life that you have very little to do with. You slept apart for a year before you asked her to leave, she doesn't invite you to her company Xmas party, what is there to save? Honour your prenup and wish her the best. Do not have sex with her, if you do you may find out she is pregnant with your baby very quickly, wouldn't be the first time that happened on LS. 1
stillafool Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Fast forward 6 months there is a quiet knock on my door its the ex. she has still has most of her things in my house wants to pick up a few things. . Why is her stuff still at your house after 6 months of separation? If you changed the locks on her you should have sent her things to her and you wouldn't have been bothered with any of this drama. "a few things" give it all to her.
ChicagoSparty Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 As I intimated there is a long and tangled tale before I initiated our separation.We have been married 10 years we have been separated twice in that ten years.i have never been unfaithful or even got close to the line it's just not in my DNA. We have had two longish sessions of marriage counselling which I initiated. My ex comes with an extremely troubled history her father was an extremely abusive alcoholic her brother committed suicide she has two other sisters one with an eating disorder the other a 40 year old virgin no serious relationships with either sex. The mother has never remarried neither have any of the siblings married. My ex has provided financial support I suspect to her family since before the time of our marriage ,as she is the only one with regular employment. I say I suspect because my ex has refused to discuss any of her family issues with me and has in fact been obsessively secretive about them. Secretive to the point of renting a home for them one block away from our home for a period of almost 2 years before I inadvertently discovered the fact. Her mother and her sister live together and now so does my ex, this was how they lived before I met her. Her other sister moved away a number of years ago but I do not know where or when as my ex told me it was none of my business. There is tons more but what is the point we have had a troubled marriage for many years I have worked hard at making it work . I have never ever been violent threatened violence again it's not in my DNA it never has been ,the worst I can do is raise my voice if my buttons are pushed. I never said to my ex I think you've been sleeping around , though in the past I had asked her if she was having an affair,I said I do not care if you have, I do not know where you have been, I do not trust you any more. We had not shared a bed in almost a year and sex was a once a month thing. Nothing in this post points to her cheating. Sooooo....you kicked her out because...ummmm...she rented her sister a house? She has issues with her dad? Her family is effed up? She stayed out late one night? I don't get it. Whatever. It's too late now. Get a divorce and let this woman have a chance at having some sort of life. You already want and got something else...and by 'already', I mean you clearly had an idea and plan in your head before kicking her out...so let her go. 1
Author notmel Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 Why is her stuff still at your house after 6 months of separation? If you changed the locks on her you should have sent her things to her and you wouldn't have been bothered with any of this drama. "a few things" give it all to her. Good question. I did not change the locks as she left as requested.My ultimatum was either you leave or I will change the locks. I allowed her to keep her stuff here because I thought doing other wise was mean packing her stuff up and putting it it storage would create a needless hardship for her.
Friskyone4u Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Not Me, One of the other responders said in your other posts, which I have not read, that she has probably been cheating on you for years. Is that true?????? All sorts of week end disappearances without you???? That would shed to me an entirely different light on your evaluation of her going out without you and coming home that late with no explanation.
Sassy Girl Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Sounds like you were looking for any reason to end the marriage and decided to pin it on her with this 'staying out till 2am' business, rather than just being a man about it and saying you were done. That's cool - if you're free to date I guess she is too. So no, not cheating. Honestly, you sound like a bit of a control freak and in surprised you were so cold to someone you were supposed to have loved for 10 years. I'd say your ex has self esteem issues, especially if she'd consider being with you again after the way you unceremoniously ditched her after 10 years. No way if give you the time of day if you treated me so abysmally. Let her move on 1
turnera Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 You don't want her back, do you? If you don't want her back, who cares what she thinks?
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