Is there ever a way back?

[OmniaVincitAmor]

For those of you who read this, thank you. It will not be short, my relationship isn't and it's full of ****.

 

 

I would start by saying that I probably made a mistake at the onset of my relationship. It started as one ended and maybe I should have taken some time to be single. I met her while I was with my ex, it's a long story that involves me going out with friends, seeing this girl at the bar we frequent and turn by turn they hit on her. Now, in all of these engagements, I was friendly, and I am incredibly socially outgoing, so naturally we conversed, but I never tried to steal their thunder or hit on her; I had a girl friend.

 

Fast forward months and I realize things aren't going to work with the girl I am with as after two years, I remained a secret to her family (Indians) and an extreme difference in libido made us incompatible (among other things that I don't need to slant her with). However, we were to remain amicable as we worked together (did not intend for that to happen, it was a matter of circumstance) and I broke up with her. Over this month she was back home in India (I broke up with her the day she arrived back in the US in person, probably a dick move, but it was doing that in person or the alternative of through e-mail).

 

It took one day after dropping her off at the airport on her way that I realized a lot of my stress in my life was related to her and her expectations of me to the point I had become a different person. The number of statements made by friends after the fact that they felt like I was back to the old person they once knew only reaffirms my thoughts on that.

 

I started texting that other girl that month who once dated one of those friends, but that lasted two weeks (he was a virgin, slept with her, and then all he wanted to do was bone her and she felt like that is all he wanted) and we met but just had some drinks, smoked a bowl, and just a friendly night out. I dropped her off, went home, and took two weeks at home over xmas and newyears. I came back, broke up with my ex, called her and asked her out on date.

 

Over the next six months we dated casually, she was adamant about not wanting to get into anything serious with me and that kind of hurt me a bit. However, after six months of great sex and fun, she changed her mind. We started dating, but soon she started getting mad at me for being nice to my ex. She thought I wasn't over her or somehow was too nice to her and ****. My ex lived two apartments down (buildings, not doors) and we worked together so I aimed for this. I didn't want to have some huge drama filled blow out or to work in a highly tense situation. I also felt like a huge dick since we started dating at the start of grad school and she had just been fresh off the boat, as they say. She had 0 friends except this program called IFC (which is Christian based and she recently lost all of those friends because she refused to be baptized and adopt Christianity).

 

I think this made my girlfriend jealous, or something, I don't quite know exactly, but she would often say very mean things about my ex. Now, I probably shouldn't have defended my ex, but I am a very accepting person of all races and faiths and she would say things that offended that aspect of me. Things that foreign women try to steal American men (pff) and things like calling my ex a "curry cunt hole" because she was indian. I did not care for it and asked her to just drop it all the time but it clearly was a problem. However, it's not that I went out of my way to be nice to my ex, I worked with her, broke her heart, and found no reason to continue to harbor hostile or any thoughts of her for that matter.

 

Other than this one issue, our relationship was good. We took our first trip together, my first trip to that state, and it was beautiful and awesome. We took a tour over a mountside and we saw how all these particular beetles had been destroying the mountainside (the guide told us it was beetles), but later the next day we were talking and she said it was some disease and I corrected her. She instantly became aggressive/defensive telling me that I was wrong and blah blah and I don't ever believe her. I told her it wasn't a big deal, but I remember clearly it was an invasive species. Now as a scientist, I have a tendency to want hard facts and truth and can be objective to my own ideas and expect others to be too. So later I googled it and corrected her but not in some condescending dick way, but just like "Ah, see it is this certain beetle" which only extended our fight. **** ****.

 

This was the start and I noticed this aggressive behavior any time I was disagreeing with her. I was in grad school, 3rd year in at this point, and she was taking a 300 level course in the subject I studied. She asked me for help and of course I wanted to be there for her. So after I spent all day working, more hours than people understand who have never been through it, I would come home and tutor her. She would disagree and not listen to me. Anytime we disagreed (often), she would get her book out, and read for 10 minutes to try and prove me wrong and waste my time. I started to get irritated by this, because "I teach this ****ing subject, why don't you listen to me?" These study sessions would turn into full on fights and her saying hostile **** to me and me being defensive in return apparently saying arrogant sounding dick ****.

 

She ended up getting a terrible grade in the class, had to retake it, and wanted me to tutor her again. I thought it was a terrible idea so I told her I will only answer her questions after she has read the book, done/attempted the problems. That I wouldn't be her first strategy. It didn't really improve things, as with most undergrads, they have a lot to do and things get put off and I enabled it because at the last minute I would help her because I want her to succeed. This led to a lot of problems in our relationship as far as how I was feeling respected (or lack thereof). I will admit that I was not very emotionally mature at this point, her being my second long term girlfriend in my life and I probably could have done a better job at conveying this.

 

 

One night I went out with some friends guy and girls. I ended up drinking too much booze and ended up back at my place with 3 friends, 2 guys and a girl. I wasn't answering my phone because I was practically dead on the couch passed out. My gf decided to come over and found us all, but apparently the other girl didn't know I was with her and she started flirting with me in front of her. Trying to take me to bed, but like I said, I was pretty much passed out on the couch. My gf tried to help me to bed, but I was pissed off at her over these fights we were having so I just pushed her away. (I think, I was black out, and incoherent.. not my best moments) When the other girl offered to help me to bed, I put my arms up for help up gf got super ****ing pissed (rightfully so!). Now nothing happened, no kissing, no ****ing, etc. I woke up severally hung over and my gf came over and explained all of this to me. I told her I would understand if she wanted to break up with me since I was pretty much put myself in the position to cheat and was pretty much ignorant of the whole thing but it wouldn't have made me feel good.

 

 

She was pissed but didn't break up with me, but ****, I thinks he should had because I spent the next year dealing with insecurities and jealousy over girls among paying the price for the constant rehashing of this moment in my life.

 

Yet she still wanted to move in with me. I wasn't fully happy, but I also know that I was atoning for my behavior and didn't blame her fully. However, I didn't want to move in together, I wasn't there. That is when I received the "Well I want to know this is moving forward" speech and she basically told me it was that or we go our separate ways. I felt blackmailed and forced into it, but I was afraid to lose her, I spent a long time looking for a girl who had the same libido as me, who smoked pot, who liked the same taste in music as me, etc. So I decided that we could do it, it wasn't marriage anyway. Though I explained to her at this time, that I'm not following some time line. The next 4-5 years of my life are going to stressful, they're going to be chaotic and uncertain. That if she has some timeline and is expecting me to propose in a year, it won't happen. I'm not ready to worry about a family when I'm still worrying about my future and my career. She promised me, this wasn't the case.

 

Fast forward exactly one year, after two more semesters of math and chemistry fights, guess what she wants and is pissed I haven't asked her for? Yep, the exact thing I told her not to expect. The next two years (making it year 5 for us now) was full of arguments about marriage, about our future, about everything in general, me still paying the price for my ex, for that one night. She even started in on hating a couple of my friends, one a girl whom I had always been friends with and known five years prior to meeting my girlfriend. I filled with resentment. So had she.

 

I graduated with my PhD and followed my career to Germany, and so she followed. That first 2-3 months in Germany and our ugly relationship had reared up hard. She was bitter and angry for not being Mrs yet. Even though I told her until I was a doctor and saving for a future while paying off debt, I wasn't going to be ready to marry, she was pissed off. I started ignoring her more and more over the last years because I was so sick of the aggression and the fighting. She started to feel even more lonely in Germany due to cultural and language barriers. She couldn't find a job, she blamed me for everything in her life (not going to vet school to be with me, but frankly, her grades weren't good enough for starters, but having gone through higher education, I also thinks he lacked the resolve to put up with what you have to go through to finish) even though she made these decisions. After a couple months, she went home to pursue her career and we remained in a LDR for the remaining 10 months).

 

I am now home, and we are trying it. Though she takes all this anger out on me all the time still. She is coming home from work and taking that stress out on me. She yells at me over stupid things and raises the hostility levels a great deal. I've started a new approach, I try and stay as calm as possible and if I feel my anger rising, I walk away. I tell her she needs to treat me with respect, that I don't take out my anger on her so she can talk to me in a better tone. It somewhat works, but she still gets angry at me and lashes out for a moment that gives me this horrible anger feeling towards her. She apologizes later, but if she was sorry, wouldn't she change? I am tired of hearing sorry. She tries to be better, but it never ends, this anger. She has lashed out at me over stupid things like the way I put a glass upside down on a tower after washing (I do the dishes every day while I look for my next career opportunity). She has talked degradingly to me right now as I don't have a job, like I am some lazy couch bum who sucks off her when people in my field can take up to six months to find a position after their post doc.

 

I feel like our relationship is this roller coaster, I know this all sounds bad and harsh, but we do have good things. We laugh too, we have fun, but I don't know if the thrill of going up and being at that peak is worth the trip back down. (I guess that analogy is a bit backwards to roller coasters, but you get the idea) I don't know if I can do it anymore.

 

Is this relationship ****ed up beyond any repair? If it is how can I end six+ years of history over the same [kinds] fights we have had for five years? These irrational, take my anger out on you in this moment because I resent you for other things kind of fighting. Someone who can not communicate with me without getting over the top angry saying bitter mean things. (She also behaves this way specifically with her mother, and to a lesser extent her brother) She also makes no real long lasting permanent friendships and she is a bit of a lone wolf in that regard. I feel like her personality is this way and that is why she doesn't have good friends. She had one, but she got married and now they see less of each other, and by less, I mean once in six months.

 

 

 

 

I just feel trapped and frozen. I feel frozen by indecision. I love her, but I fear being unhappy for the rest of my life because I don't see change. I am afraid I will regret it. I am afraid the next girl I date will also have these mood swings and I will also be unhappy but we won't have six years of history (for better or worse). Any advice LS?

[LoveRefreshed]

Wow, it was a long one. Took me a bit to get through it all.

 

To me, it sounds like you're not as innocent as you come off to be. Maybe you're more of a dick than you realize?

 

In either event, I think you two should get counseling or maybe you should call it quits. There seems to be so much resentment in you towards her that I doubt you will want to get married any time soon and it seems like this is the major cause of resentment towards you from her. It's like a catch-22. Her attitude makes you not want to move forward, you not moving forward makes her more bittered. Her being bitter only causes her to lash out at you more.

[Redhead14]

For those of you who read this, thank you. It will not be short, my relationship isn't and it's full of ****.

 

 

I would start by saying that I probably made a mistake at the onset of my relationship. It started as one ended and maybe I should have taken some time to be single. I met her while I was with my ex, it's a long story that involves me going out with friends, seeing this girl at the bar we frequent and turn by turn they hit on her. Now, in all of these engagements, I was friendly, and I am incredibly socially outgoing, so naturally we conversed, but I never tried to steal their thunder or hit on her; I had a girl friend.

 

Fast forward months and I realize things aren't going to work with the girl I am with as after two years, I remained a secret to her family (Indians) and an extreme difference in libido made us incompatible (among other things that I don't need to slant her with). However, we were to remain amicable as we worked together (did not intend for that to happen, it was a matter of circumstance) and I broke up with her. Over this month she was back home in India (I broke up with her the day she arrived back in the US in person, probably a dick move, but it was doing that in person or the alternative of through e-mail).

 

It took one day after dropping her off at the airport on her way that I realized a lot of my stress in my life was related to her and her expectations of me to the point I had become a different person. The number of statements made by friends after the fact that they felt like I was back to the old person they once knew only reaffirms my thoughts on that.

 

I started texting that other girl that month who once dated one of those friends, but that lasted two weeks (he was a virgin, slept with her, and then all he wanted to do was bone her and she felt like that is all he wanted) and we met but just had some drinks, smoked a bowl, and just a friendly night out. I dropped her off, went home, and took two weeks at home over xmas and newyears. I came back, broke up with my ex, called her and asked her out on date.

 

Over the next six months we dated casually, she was adamant about not wanting to get into anything serious with me and that kind of hurt me a bit. However, after six months of great sex and fun, she changed her mind. We started dating, but soon she started getting mad at me for being nice to my ex. She thought I wasn't over her or somehow was too nice to her and ****. My ex lived two apartments down (buildings, not doors) and we worked together so I aimed for this. I didn't want to have some huge drama filled blow out or to work in a highly tense situation. I also felt like a huge dick since we started dating at the start of grad school and she had just been fresh off the boat, as they say. She had 0 friends except this program called IFC (which is Christian based and she recently lost all of those friends because she refused to be baptized and adopt Christianity).

 

I think this made my girlfriend jealous, or something, I don't quite know exactly, but she would often say very mean things about my ex. Now, I probably shouldn't have defended my ex, but I am a very accepting person of all races and faiths and she would say things that offended that aspect of me. Things that foreign women try to steal American men (pff) and things like calling my ex a "curry cunt hole" because she was indian. I did not care for it and asked her to just drop it all the time but it clearly was a problem. However, it's not that I went out of my way to be nice to my ex, I worked with her, broke her heart, and found no reason to continue to harbor hostile or any thoughts of her for that matter.

 

Other than this one issue, our relationship was good. We took our first trip together, my first trip to that state, and it was beautiful and awesome. We took a tour over a mountside and we saw how all these particular beetles had been destroying the mountainside (the guide told us it was beetles), but later the next day we were talking and she said it was some disease and I corrected her. She instantly became aggressive/defensive telling me that I was wrong and blah blah and I don't ever believe her. I told her it wasn't a big deal, but I remember clearly it was an invasive species. Now as a scientist, I have a tendency to want hard facts and truth and can be objective to my own ideas and expect others to be too. So later I googled it and corrected her but not in some condescending dick way, but just like "Ah, see it is this certain beetle" which only extended our fight. **** ****.

 

This was the start and I noticed this aggressive behavior any time I was disagreeing with her. I was in grad school, 3rd year in at this point, and she was taking a 300 level course in the subject I studied. She asked me for help and of course I wanted to be there for her. So after I spent all day working, more hours than people understand who have never been through it, I would come home and tutor her. She would disagree and not listen to me. Anytime we disagreed (often), she would get her book out, and read for 10 minutes to try and prove me wrong and waste my time. I started to get irritated by this, because "I teach this ****ing subject, why don't you listen to me?" These study sessions would turn into full on fights and her saying hostile **** to me and me being defensive in return apparently saying arrogant sounding dick ****.

 

She ended up getting a terrible grade in the class, had to retake it, and wanted me to tutor her again. I thought it was a terrible idea so I told her I will only answer her questions after she has read the book, done/attempted the problems. That I wouldn't be her first strategy. It didn't really improve things, as with most undergrads, they have a lot to do and things get put off and I enabled it because at the last minute I would help her because I want her to succeed. This led to a lot of problems in our relationship as far as how I was feeling respected (or lack thereof). I will admit that I was not very emotionally mature at this point, her being my second long term girlfriend in my life and I probably could have done a better job at conveying this.

 

 

One night I went out with some friends guy and girls. I ended up drinking too much booze and ended up back at my place with 3 friends, 2 guys and a girl. I wasn't answering my phone because I was practically dead on the couch passed out. My gf decided to come over and found us all, but apparently the other girl didn't know I was with her and she started flirting with me in front of her. Trying to take me to bed, but like I said, I was pretty much passed out on the couch. My gf tried to help me to bed, but I was pissed off at her over these fights we were having so I just pushed her away. (I think, I was black out, and incoherent.. not my best moments) When the other girl offered to help me to bed, I put my arms up for help up gf got super ****ing pissed (rightfully so!). Now nothing happened, no kissing, no ****ing, etc. I woke up severally hung over and my gf came over and explained all of this to me. I told her I would understand if she wanted to break up with me since I was pretty much put myself in the position to cheat and was pretty much ignorant of the whole thing but it wouldn't have made me feel good.

 

 

She was pissed but didn't break up with me, but ****, I thinks he should had because I spent the next year dealing with insecurities and jealousy over girls among paying the price for the constant rehashing of this moment in my life.

 

Yet she still wanted to move in with me. I wasn't fully happy, but I also know that I was atoning for my behavior and didn't blame her fully. However, I didn't want to move in together, I wasn't there. That is when I received the "Well I want to know this is moving forward" speech and she basically told me it was that or we go our separate ways. I felt blackmailed and forced into it, but I was afraid to lose her, I spent a long time looking for a girl who had the same libido as me, who smoked pot, who liked the same taste in music as me, etc. So I decided that we could do it, it wasn't marriage anyway. Though I explained to her at this time, that I'm not following some time line. The next 4-5 years of my life are going to stressful, they're going to be chaotic and uncertain. That if she has some timeline and is expecting me to propose in a year, it won't happen. I'm not ready to worry about a family when I'm still worrying about my future and my career. She promised me, this wasn't the case.

 

Fast forward exactly one year, after two more semesters of math and chemistry fights, guess what she wants and is pissed I haven't asked her for? Yep, the exact thing I told her not to expect. The next two years (making it year 5 for us now) was full of arguments about marriage, about our future, about everything in general, me still paying the price for my ex, for that one night. She even started in on hating a couple of my friends, one a girl whom I had always been friends with and known five years prior to meeting my girlfriend. I filled with resentment. So had she.

 

I graduated with my PhD and followed my career to Germany, and so she followed. That first 2-3 months in Germany and our ugly relationship had reared up hard. She was bitter and angry for not being Mrs yet. Even though I told her until I was a doctor and saving for a future while paying off debt, I wasn't going to be ready to marry, she was pissed off. I started ignoring her more and more over the last years because I was so sick of the aggression and the fighting. She started to feel even more lonely in Germany due to cultural and language barriers. She couldn't find a job, she blamed me for everything in her life (not going to vet school to be with me, but frankly, her grades weren't good enough for starters, but having gone through higher education, I also thinks he lacked the resolve to put up with what you have to go through to finish) even though she made these decisions. After a couple months, she went home to pursue her career and we remained in a LDR for the remaining 10 months).

 

I am now home, and we are trying it. Though she takes all this anger out on me all the time still. She is coming home from work and taking that stress out on me. She yells at me over stupid things and raises the hostility levels a great deal. I've started a new approach, I try and stay as calm as possible and if I feel my anger rising, I walk away. I tell her she needs to treat me with respect, that I don't take out my anger on her so she can talk to me in a better tone. It somewhat works, but she still gets angry at me and lashes out for a moment that gives me this horrible anger feeling towards her. She apologizes later, but if she was sorry, wouldn't she change? I am tired of hearing sorry. She tries to be better, but it never ends, this anger. She has lashed out at me over stupid things like the way I put a glass upside down on a tower after washing (I do the dishes every day while I look for my next career opportunity). She has talked degradingly to me right now as I don't have a job, like I am some lazy couch bum who sucks off her when people in my field can take up to six months to find a position after their post doc.

 

I feel like our relationship is this roller coaster, I know this all sounds bad and harsh, but we do have good things. We laugh too, we have fun, but I don't know if the thrill of going up and being at that peak is worth the trip back down. (I guess that analogy is a bit backwards to roller coasters, but you get the idea) I don't know if I can do it anymore.

 

Is this relationship ****ed up beyond any repair? If it is how can I end six+ years of history over the same [kinds] fights we have had for five years? These irrational, take my anger out on you in this moment because I resent you for other things kind of fighting. Someone who can not communicate with me without getting over the top angry saying bitter mean things. (She also behaves this way specifically with her mother, and to a lesser extent her brother) She also makes no real long lasting permanent friendships and she is a bit of a lone wolf in that regard. I feel like her personality is this way and that is why she doesn't have good friends. She had one, but she got married and now they see less of each other, and by less, I mean once in six months.

 

 

 

 

I just feel trapped and frozen. I feel frozen by indecision. I love her, but I fear being unhappy for the rest of my life because I don't see change. I am afraid I will regret it. I am afraid the next girl I date will also have these mood swings and I will also be unhappy but we won't have six years of history (for better or worse). Any advice LS?

 

I feel like our relationship is this roller coaster -- This statement says it all. Get off the ride.

 

For all the time and effort you spent writing this, you could have ended it during this time instead of wasting time typing it. Do it.

[Redhead14]

I feel like our relationship is this roller coaster -- This statement says it all. Get off the ride.

 

For all the time and effort you spent writing this, you could have ended it during this time instead of wasting time typing it. Do it.

 

I would dump anyone who brought me to the point of writing all this just for that reason alone.

[OmniaVincitAmor]

I'm not sure if I want to break up yet, but let's say this was my decision.

 

How do you end a long term relationship? In my past one, it was simple. I'm still a secret from your parents. We've had sex two times in the last three months. I don't want to be in it anymore.

 

Here, it feels like I'd be like: You do this, you do that, you you you. I'm not sure even how to approach it. I don't think doing it mid fight is best, but something like..

 

I don't see either one of us are happy right now. I don't think we will be happy with each other so it's best if we just stop trying.

 

Though it's hard, because I have emotions and I do still love her, it's just I'm not happy with our relationship.

[CTRL C]

I'm not sure if I want to break up yet, but let's say this was my decision.

 

How do you end a long term relationship? In my past one, it was simple. I'm still a secret from your parents. We've had sex two times in the last three months. I don't want to be in it anymore.

 

Here, it feels like I'd be like: You do this, you do that, you you you. I'm not sure even how to approach it. I don't think doing it mid fight is best, but something like..

 

I don't see either one of us are happy right now. I don't think we will be happy with each other so it's best if we just stop trying.

 

Though it's hard, because I have emotions and I do still love her, it's just I'm not happy with our relationship.

 

I know how you feel, LTR through college/early adulthood, with lots of ups and downs, same sort of fighting each time, etc. I got the same advice - if we're not happy then why are we staying? (Just got that advice this morning lol, no decisions yet.)

 

It is a significant relationship. It is a scary, big deal to decide if it's just not working... and when do you decide that it has to be over today, not tomorrow? That things that you put up with yesterday, you won't put up with today? How do you even bring it up seemingly out of the blue, without it becoming a fight, without initiating the very thing causing you to leave?

 

I suppose I have no advice, just sending some support and understanding

[Jemay]

 

 

 

I just feel trapped and frozen. I feel frozen by indecision. I love her, but I fear being unhappy for the rest of my life because I don't see change. I am afraid I will regret it. I am afraid the next girl I date will also have these mood swings and I will also be unhappy but we won't have six years of history (for better or worse). Any advice LS?

 

 

 

We all have a little voice inside us. Your inner voice is telling you what to do, you just have to listen. It sounds to me from reading your words that you are not in this fully anymore, and probably haven't been for a very long time. Move on! You've had only 2 relationships! A relationship with such poor communication is usually doomed.

 

She sounds a lot like me when I was younger. I was also very defensive, reactive to criticism, confrontational when I felt unloved or unsupported. I had to learn and grow a lot and she may have to as well before she can be a good partner. And you have a lot to learn still, too. If you two really committed to growing, learning, then maybe there could be a chance to work it out but I think it would take a lot of commitment and work.

 

It takes a lot of skills to be a healthy partner in a relationship. She has growing to do, and so do you. It takes skills to make a woman feel loved. When a woman doesn't feel loved she becomes bitter and reactive. So I think you're to blame in all this too. Not your fault, relationships are difficult, but either you two learn these skills together or the relationship is done in my opinion.

 

There's a book I really like called 'the way of the superior man' by david Deida. Maybe check it out, read the reviews on amazon to see if it might help you. Maybe you two could look for some relationship books and read them together. But without real effort on both sides I don't see the relationship lasting. You've got to decide if you want to invest that kind of effort or find a relationship that may be naturally easier.

[OmniaVincitAmor]

Any advice on how to approach ending a vey long term relationship. There's no specific reason, she hasn't cheated or betrayed my trust or anything like that. You can read my epic if you wish, but I'm guessing it's too long for most, and I don't blame you.

 

In the end, how do you end something so long term? I'm just generally unhappy with our relationship. The anger and resentment that has built up after 6 years. I think we both would be happier without it, but she tells me it would break her heart to be without me. That she loves me and cares about me. Yet the anger outburst of hers seem to be otherwise. No one can love someone and be that angry at them over stupid ****.

[doeblin]

In the end, how do you end something so long term?

Ain't no easy way.

 

Tell her you are unhappy, tell her you want out.

 

You need to be firm about this. There's no need to make this into a bitter fight or a reminiscence of things past... 30 minutes of reasonable discussion about the practicalities should be enough.

 

Then get out, and go NO CONTACT.

Edited July 12, 2015 by doeblin