What if the [betrayed spouse] tried to get revenge on you? [infidelity-related]

[sandylee1]

Wow, this thread is a hot mess.

 

Anyway, I have yet to see an example of BS taking "revenge" on OW anywhere in this thread. Revenge is burning down someone's house, slashing their tires, decapitating their dog.

 

All I've seen (in this thread) is BS telling the truth about an event that occurred, i.e. I am married to <WH>, <WH> had an affair with <OW>, and here's the evidence. How is that revenge? It's just the truth of the matter and BS is free to share that truth with any and all she sees fit.

 

I AM the OW. I DID sleep with her husband. Is the BS obligated to keep that a secret so no one gets hurt? It's not like BS is making up lies when she tells my family, friends, boss, whoever, that I slept with her husband - she is sharing information that is absolutely true. I DID do it.

 

Would I be happier if BS just kept her mouth shut so I could go on my merry way unscathed? Well....yeah, that would be lovely indeed. But sorry, it's not "revenge" for her to tell the world about my part in blowing up her marriage. That is factual information BS has a perfect right to share in any way she sees fit. And if I don't like the fallout from that - well, I guess I shouldn't have handed her the ammo in the first place.

 

This is a very good post.

[Robert]

Moderation review of this thread has been completed. Note to participants, keep to the original topic "what if the BW tried to get revenge on you?

Have you ever experienced a BW trying to exact revenge against you? If so, how did you handle it?"

 

Thank you.

[Quiet Storm]

I think it's easy to understand how a BW can allow her emotions to get the best of her.

 

The main reason that most OW are OW is because of their emotions. Most OW don't want to be in an affair. They don't want to have restrictions or Christmases alone. They don't want their boyfriend to have a wife. Most OW feel that having an affair is out of character for them. Most aren't proud of it. OW knows the affair could hurt people, including kids.

 

The reason OW tolerates all that and continues is because of her emotions. The feelings are intense and she does things that are out of character, most OW never imagined they would be in an affair. Her emotions override the smart part of herself in many cases, and many OW know MM is not good for them, but go back. They accept apologies and excuses and wait for him, allowing their emotions drive their choices. This isn't all OW, but we read it here a lot.

 

BW is overwhelmed with emotion, too. She might do things that are out of character. Her emotions surrounding the betrayal can override the smart part of herself. BWs emotions can drive her choices, too. She might do things she's not proud of.

 

Revenge isn't right, but OW are first to blame emotions and feelings for being in an affair. Yet when the secret's out, BW's supposed to be all calm and logical. She's expected to be mature, unemotional and strong.

 

Emotions can make people behave in ways they'd never expect.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I can't imagine the devastation you must have felt and how long you must have felt it. It pains me greatly to know I have been complicit in doing that to a BS. Although I am certain that when AP "confessed" that BS did not get the entire truth and I have wrestled with letting her know the truth so she could make informed choices about her future, or if that would hurt BS more. In the end I decided that their marriage was their marriage, I had interfered enough, and as she knows who I am, she can get in touch with me if she so chooses. The biggest gift I can give BS is my absence.

thanks for your response.

 

NewLeaf, many will agree with you when it comes to how much 'truth' is revealed to his wife. Just enough to save himself is probably the more likely. Your address to the BS is commendable although of course as others have already suggested, telling out of compassion and a sense of empathy might have been better done sooner rather than later, but that is now by the by.

 

It would probably pay dividends for you to leave well enough alone until such time, if at all, the BS needs verification and comes to you for information. Provided she is opening to reasonable interaction, you might actually do her a positive service. That of course remains to be seen, but in the meantime I agree, the biggest gift you can give her is your complete absence.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Wow, this thread is a hot mess.

 

Anyway, I have yet to see an example of BS taking "revenge" on OW anywhere in this thread. Revenge is burning down someone's house, slashing their tires, decapitating their dog.

 

All I've seen (in this thread) is BS telling the truth about an event that occurred, i.e. I am married to <WH>, <WH> had an affair with <OW>, and here's the evidence. How is that revenge? It's just the truth of the matter and BS is free to share that truth with any and all she sees fit.

 

I AM the OW. I DID sleep with her husband. Is the BS obligated to keep that a secret so no one gets hurt? It's not like BS is making up lies when she tells my family, friends, boss, whoever, that I slept with her husband - she is sharing information that is absolutely true. I DID do it.

 

Would I be happier if BS just kept her mouth shut so I could go on my merry way unscathed? Well....yeah, that would be lovely indeed. But sorry, it's not "revenge" for her to tell the world about my part in blowing up her marriage. That is factual information BS has a perfect right to share in any way she sees fit. And if I don't like the fallout from that - well, I guess I shouldn't have handed her the ammo in the first place.

 

Rain, you have an uncanny sense of what the reality is to many, and post with sensitive insight.

 

I agree with your interpretation, and your answer to the posters question.

 

The other woman who came into our marriage might have been quite unusual in That she didn't care who knew she had a 'married boyfriend' and apparently was quite happy to tell all, including her own Mother such, but when the chips were down, it was me she came after (as the obstacle to her dream life) when it all opened to the cold light of day.

 

Did I think about revenge? Of course! I dreamed of the most awful acts of exacting it. Did I do it? No. My husband was responsible for the mess he made of two women's lives, but I allowed the consequences of her involvement to take their natural course, which culminated in her moving away from her small village due to the incessant gossip apparently, and the loss of revenue from her business as a result of that.

 

I didn't need to do a thing.

[xxoo]

I think it's easy to understand how a BW can allow her emotions to get the best of her.

 

The main reason that most OW are OW is because of their emotions. Most OW don't want to be in an affair. They don't want to have restrictions or Christmases alone. They don't want their boyfriend to have a wife. Most OW feel that having an affair is out of character for them. Most aren't proud of it. OW knows the affair could hurt people, including kids.

 

The reason OW tolerates all that and continues is because of her emotions. The feelings are intense and she does things that are out of character, most OW never imagined they would be in an affair. Her emotions override the smart part of herself in many cases, and many OW know MM is not good for them, but go back. They accept apologies and excuses and wait for him, allowing their emotions drive their choices. This isn't all OW, but we read it here a lot.

 

BW is overwhelmed with emotion, too. She might do things that are out of character. Her emotions surrounding the betrayal can override the smart part of herself. BWs emotions can drive her choices, too. She might do things she's not proud of.

 

Revenge isn't right, but OW are first to blame emotions and feelings for being in an affair. Yet when the secret's out, BW's supposed to be all calm and logical. She's expected to be mature, unemotional and strong.

 

Emotions can make people behave in ways they'd never expect.

 

Exactly.

 

Hurt begets hurt. Outrageous behavior begets outrageous behavior.

 

Where does it end?

 

Much easier to nip it in the bud where it begins.

[RoseVille]

Maybe the WS can become a good person.

 

Just being Wayward doesn't make someone a bad person. Good people sometimes do bad things.

[AnotherSadSong]

Just being Wayward doesn't make someone a bad person. Good people sometimes do bad things.

 

 

I believe this too. It is argued so much here that I start believing I am the devil herself in heels.

[cocorico]

Have you ever experienced a BW trying to exact revenge against you? If so, how did you handle it?

 

If by "revenge", you include acts of petty theft, vandalism, and general bad behaviour (eg making a scene unnecessarily, embarrassing the kids, when we happened to be in the same place) then yes, I have experienced that. Also stalking on social media, attempted libel (attempted because no one believed her lies), attempts to manipulate the kids emotionally and harassment of my H's elderly parents. What did we do? Initially nothing, hoping that if we ignored it, she'd lose interest and go away. No such luck. After several years and the kids completely alienated by her, we hardened our stance. Next time she breaks into our house, she'll be recorded on the security cameras (rather than just being observed by the neighbours) and will find herself in jail.

[Susmay]

Have you ever experienced a BW trying to exact revenge against you? If so, how did you handle it?

 

 

This is also being discussed on the Infidelity Forum.

 

 

See: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/537219-revenge

[Susmay]

If by "revenge", you include acts of petty theft, vandalism, and general bad behaviour (eg making a scene unnecessarily, embarrassing the kids, when we happened to be in the same place) then yes, I have experienced that. Also stalking on social media, attempted libel (attempted because no one believed her lies), attempts to manipulate the kids emotionally and harassment of my H's elderly parents. What did we do? Initially nothing, hoping that if we ignored it, she'd lose interest and go away. No such luck. After several years and the kids completely alienated by her, we hardened our stance. Next time she breaks into our house, she'll be recorded on the security cameras (rather than just being observed by the neighbours) and will find herself in jail.

 

 

Some of this is probably "legal", other things definitely not legal. You will be doing the right thing to consult lawyer or contact police if/when it happens again. Even though as a BW I "exposed" as revenge/consequences, it has been many years of NC since then. Continued stalking is not on.

[Arieswoman]

In post #5 I said the best revenge I ever had was allowing AP to keep WS.

 

I would also fully agree with LivingWater post #138.

 

After I divorced WS he finally married his AP and then the pair of them suffered a catalogue of disasters.

 

I've posted this before , but again a brief recap ;-

 

Four years post divorce they still weren't married then suddenly his AP got pregnant and they got married. The baby was born premature and died.

 

She has been hospitalised at least twice for clinical depression.

 

They bought a property in Spain as a retirement plan and rented it out. The tenants trashed it. They then tried to sell it but the bottom fell out the Spanish property market so they had to let it go at a loss.

 

The bought a big house and spent a packet remodeling it so her elderly mother could come and live with them. Then they took a trip to the States. Her mother inconsiderately died while they were away.

 

So they ended up with huge house to run and decided to sell. The bottom fell out of the British property market and they finally sold at a huge loss.

 

Her father died suddenly and the funeral was booked. Then a complication arose and an inquest was required so the funeral had to be cancelled and rebooked.

 

Karma is a beetch, as they say........

[AnotherSadSong]

I never believed in Karma but I do believe life involves tragedy that does not expose itself to people because of civil matters. I do not think her father dying suddenly is karma. I think it is painful to lose a parent. He had a medical condition.

 

 

I do not think the children and adults dying at the hands of ISIS or the people of Nigeria have bad luck and travesty because they have bad karma following them.

 

 

That is life.

[cocorico]

I never believed in Karma but I do believe life involves tragedy that does not expose itself to people because of civil matters. I do not think her father dying suddenly is karma. I think it is painful to lose a parent. He had a medical condition.

 

 

I do not think the children and adults dying at the hands of ISIS or the people of Nigeria have bad luck and travesty because they have bad karma following them.

 

 

That is life.

 

Quite.

 

It would be the same to claim that the BS was "cheated on" because of karma - and a gross abuse of the concept of karma.

[cocorico]

Some of this is probably "legal", other things definitely not legal. You will be doing the right thing to consult lawyer or contact police if/when it happens again. Even though as a BW I "exposed" as revenge/consequences, it has been many years of NC since then. Continued stalking is not on.

 

Personally, I think she needs a rubber room and proper treatment, but since she's unwilling to consider that, it will have to be criminal rather than clinical consequnces.

[anika99]

I don't believe karma. I believe in consequences. The consequences of an affair may include things like exposure, job loss, and divorce. If the affair couple end up together the consequences may be that they never trust each other or that they have kids and extended family who never accept the other AP or that they are broke because of child support payments, etc. Not saying I wish those things on AP's, just that those are possible consequences of cheating.

 

 

Parents and babies dying is always very sad and has nothing to do with cheating or affairs. I don't understand anyone who would call these painful life experiences karma, because I don't know anybody in this world who wouldn't have at least a little bad karma coming their way if there was such a thing.

[Arieswoman]

AnothersadSong - post 138#

 

I never believed in Karma but I do believe life involves tragedy that does not expose itself to people because of civil matters. I do not think her father dying suddenly is karma. I think it is painful to lose a parent. He had a medical condition.

 

Hmmm, it depends what you mean by "karma".

 

I am a firm believer that people "reap what they sow", because of the type of people they are.

 

I would be hard-pressed to find any couple who have suffered the catalogue of misfortune that my exH and OW have.

Some of it is because they made some real doozey investment choices, because she bought into his grandiose schemes, and because he didn't study the markets.

 

I wonder what the odds are of a parent dying while you are on holiday several thousand miles away?

[Susmay]

Personally, I think she needs a rubber room and proper treatment, but since she's unwilling to consider that, it will have to be criminal rather than clinical consequnces.

 

 

It depends, on which "crime" was committed and the nature of the mental impairment. If she's unfit to stand trial, then detention in a mental facility may not be a choice open to her. It can be enforced.

[Arieswoman]

anika99,

 

Parents and babies dying is always very sad and has nothing to do with cheating or affairs. I don't understand anyone who would call these painful life experiences karma, because I don't know anybody in this world who wouldn't have at least a little bad karma coming their way if there was such a thing.

 

All I know is that OW was totally unrepentant about her affair with my exH and totally unconcerned about my pain or the disruption to my life. She also cheated on her fiance at the same time. She was so insensitive that she actually wore her fiance's engagement ring when she went out with my exH! When her friends questioned this she just said "it's only a ring".

 

Now fate has whacked her between the eyes metaphorically with a piece of two-by-four, so she now knows what its like to be hurt through no fault of her own.

 

Maybe it's the wrong use of the word "karma", perhaps I should call it "just deserts" ?

[truncated]

I don't understand why some view the bs as having to choose to place the responsibility for the affair at the feet of the ow or wh. Surely, there is enough responsibility to go around?

 

I can understand how a bs could become very, very angry at an ow or om for their role, especially if they have children who are hurt by the A. Just as it would be wrong to involve the ow/om's children in any sort of "revenge", it is just as wrong that the bs's children were hurt by the A.

 

The ow or om ( if they knew the person was married) could have said no to the affair at any time, yet they chose not to do that. In that, they are risking a myriad of consequences, many of which they may not like. I might not agree with the bs's choice of post affair tactics towards the "other person', but I can understand how they might feel driven to act that way towards the person they, and rightfully so, feel has participated in hurting them and turning their lives upside down.

 

Getting involved with a married person is like someone seeing a bees nest with some honey in it and deciding to whack it with a stick to get a few drops. You never know what might happen, but there is a pretty good chance it won't be pleasant. Better to leave it alone and get your honey somewhere else.

[sandylee1]

I wonder if the OP was not a woman but a man, gay relations, if the BS would publicly out everyone. The schools, the workplace, and the general public. I would assume they would, why not? Shouldn't a person bent on revenge not be choosy because of gender?

 

I think wide spread exposure as a means of revenge in these circumstances would affect the BSs children, so for that reason it should be limited. Having your children be negatively affected because their father is gay is damaging.

 

Any form of revenge that affects YOU as the BS or YOUR children /family should NOT be done.

 

I know some BWs who wanted to expose the affair to the OBS, but know (for a fact) that he is violent/has a gun, so they didn't in fear of their WH coming to harm.

 

One can certainly expose the gay affair to the WHs family and the OMs family.

 

A BS could tell her family as well. Bearing in mind this marriage would be over, unless a woman wants to stay with a man who sleeps with other men.

[beatcuff]

Have you ever experienced a BW trying to exact revenge against you? If so, how did you handle it?

 

i'm sorry, i thought THIS was the question of THIS thread, i guess after 40+ years of English my comprehension is still lacking.

[Got it]

Yes, I have dealt with that. And no it didn't go anywhere. It actually came back negatively against his ex wife especially with her checkered past. Shrug.

 

It's in the past and everyone has moved on.

[Josmatjes]

When it comes to retribution, I think it depends on the people! Like mms wife texts me like crazy like every two months ago. She suspects it was me and is trying to hurt me. But the thing is that I feel bad and I will not fight back.

 

Im sure there are may ow/OM that have no conscience and don't care and those are the ones that need a dose of reality. But as for me, I hate what I did and I'll live with it forever. I exact my own revenge on myself.

 

Another thing I'd like to point out is that all of these bws always blame outside sources, like the other woman. Well guess what, I was pursued for two years and never had intentions of doing anything. But if it wasn't me it would of been someone else so who deserves punishment here..I think bws need to look inside their own homes.... Your husband straying is most likely not the ow fault, I'm not saying she shouldn't be held accountable but look to your husband for answers...

[Owl6118]

On a recent thread--I wish I could remember which and who the poster was to give credit--someone made the very wise point that, to the Other Man or Woman in anaffair, the triangle is composed of three morally autonomous individuals--self, the affair partner, and a more shadowy third figure, the betrayed spouse. And you HAVE to see it this way to participate in an affair.

 

But inside the marriage, from the betrayed spouse's world view, there are only two entities at play: the couple, the diad, the legitmate pair-- and the Other, the Outsider.

 

Most of the questions about why the AP and WS get different treatment from the BS become very understandable if you bear in mind that being part of a marriage, a legal and emotional and ethical dyad in the deepest way is part of the BS's most basic identity in most cases. The marriage may have been troubled and the BS may even have recognized that, but it never shook his or her rock bottom faith in the reality of the partnership until the affair is revealed.

 

From this perspective, and to use a very loose and (maybe slightly hurtful) metaphor, the BS considers the affair a disease assaulting the organism of the marriage. Consequences for the WS are like chemo, or surgery, or radiation: painful, drastic, even toxic or destructive, but intended ultimately to heal. They are intended to attack the wayward's waywardness in hopes of healing the couple, not to attack the wayward him or herself. But the AP is the disease agent--the neurotoxin, carcinogen, poison, or vector from outside. And there the goal is to extirpate the threat. No loyalty owed, and no holds barred. Added to which, there can be an element of punishment, revenge or consequences doled out to protect the institution of marriage itself--to teach the vector a "lesson" such that they will no longer threaten anyone's marriage.

 

Please, please understand, I am not saying this is an exclusively valid perspective, or an inclusive perspective, or the only right moral perspective. Heck, thoughtful BSs will be the first to agree that there are other ways to see it and they struggle with all of them.

 

All I am saying is that even if they entertain other ideas, THIS idea and THIS perspective is a very common and understandable one for the BS who had never questioned the core soundness of his or her dyad before the affair, and who had built their identity with that dyad as a core reality, and who wants to try for reconciliation. You don't have to agree with it, but if you can put yourself in those BS shoes, the logic behind the differential in consequences or revenge becomes obvious. The inside of the dyad is one thing, the outsider is another, of course they are treated differently.

Edited July 13, 2015 by Owl6118