What if the [betrayed spouse] tried to get revenge on you? [infidelity-related]

[AnotherSadSong]

Ok and what consequences would OW/M face? This scenario more or less seems directed at the WS.

 

 

I have been cheated on and she was irrelevant to me, my main foe was the long term man in my life. I shared a life with him not her and he made the decision to cheat. I am not a shame me once but not...once is enough for me and it is a swift kick out the door.

 

And I of course understand that others will scrap and fight for rekindling. That is their choice. I do not believe in rekindling, the wick is burnt to shreds and the candle will never light the same for me. He would never float the boat. It would sink. It would be wasted time, I do not want to live a life of feeling I cannot trust my partner and have deep resentment hanging on.

[AnotherSadSong]

I forgot since it has been awhile, I did feel a twinge of sympathy for my partner who cheated when a friend came by from the house he was staying after I kicked him out...a few weeks later and said he had cold sores all around his mouth from complete stress. The sympathy reversed quickly to good.

 

 

But I do understand that people do stay and that hating the OW would be a coping mechanism to be able to stand looking in the losers face and have any relations with him.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I have been cheated on and she was irrelevant to me, my main foe was the long term man in my life. I shared a life with him not her and he made the decision to cheat. I am not a shame me once but not...once is enough for me and it is a swift kick out the door.

 

And I of course understand that others will scrap and fight for rekindling. That is their choice. I do not believe in rekindling, the wick is burnt to shreds and the candle will never light the same for me. He would never float the boat. It would sink. It would be wasted time, I do not want to live a life of feeling I cannot trust my partner and have deep resentment hanging on.

 

For some R looks just like that.

 

For others it is a time of growth.

 

If you believe you were a "good" person before...why can the same not be true for a WS?

 

I believe in redemption...I believe in second chances....I am living proof..I don't need anyone to show me examples...I see one everyday in the mirror.

 

That is not to say everyone "deserves" a second chance. Everyone "deserves" exactly what they created. For those fortunate enough to be given the opportunity to earn their second chance....to create a second chance...they usually become someone who does not resemble their former self. Eyes wide open...for the rest of their life.

[sweet_pea]

I have been cheated on and she was irrelevant to me, my main foe was the long term man in my life. I shared a life with him not her and he made the decision to cheat. I am not a shame me once but not...once is enough for me and it is a swift kick out the door.

 

And I of course understand that others will scrap and fight for rekindling. That is their choice. I do not believe in rekindling, the wick is burnt to shreds and the candle will never light the same for me. He would never float the boat. It would sink. It would be wasted time, I do not want to live a life of feeling I cannot trust my partner and have deep resentment hanging on.

 

Right, but I was asking about what is considered fair consequences for BOTH WS and AP. Not just WS.

[AnotherSadSong]

For some R looks just like that.

 

For others it is a time of growth.

 

If you believe you were a "good" person before...why can the same not be true for a WS?

 

I believe in redemption...I believe in second chances....I am living proof..I don't need anyone to show me examples...I see one everyday in the mirror.

 

That is not to say everyone "deserves" a second chance. Everyone "deserves" exactly what they created. For those fortunate enough to be given the opportunity to earn their second chance....to create a second chance...they usually become someone who does not resemble their former self. Eyes wide open...for the rest of their life.

 

 

Maybe the WS can become a good person. For what I have seen with friends and the MM I was involved with, their partners affairs went underground or on to another. Mine had many years lasting the entire marriage of reconciliations and I do not see that as growing.

 

 

If a WS does grow and become completely faithful then he does deserve a medal of honor.

[AnotherSadSong]

I am also here to find myself and grow. I feel my lack of compassion and empathy in my state of mind currently. It is a bad feeling to be so mixed up and out of touch with the reality of my choices and aftermath. I will get there.

[CrystalCastles]

...People start a thread asking about BW who tried to get revenge on OWs, and then proceed to attack those BW who did get revenge...What?

 

Whether a BW takes revenge or not is her choice. OW doesn't get a say in how or to whom the BW directs her anger. OWs cannot seriously be so delusional as to think that once DDay comes, they are going to be able to slink away quietly when the BW's world gets turned upside down.

 

And to whomever says that "MM made no promises to the OW"...are you serious. He might not have put a ring on her finger but what makes the OW think she has some kind of right to boink a man promised to another woman? A wayward husband cannot be a wayward all by himself. He had to have a willing participant help him. If I hire a hitman to go kill someone, I am just as guilty of murder as the hitman (its called contract killing). I might not have actually gone and committed the murder, but that doesn't mean I'm not guilty. Same thing with OWs/OMs. They are no less guilty than waywards.

 

It seems that the outrage on this thread comes from some OWs who seem to think that its not fair they should face consequences for their actions on DDay. Yeah, well, its called "welcome to the adult world".

[NewLeaf512]

...People start a thread asking about BW who tried to get revenge on OWs, and then proceed to attack those BW who did get revenge...What?

 

Whether a BW takes revenge or not is her choice. OW doesn't get a say in how or to whom the BW directs her anger. OWs cannot seriously be so delusional as to think that once DDay comes, they are going to be able to slink away quietly when the BW's world gets turned upside down.

 

And to whomever says that "MM made no promises to the OW"...are you serious. He might not have put a ring on her finger but what makes the OW think she has some kind of right to boink a man promised to another woman? A wayward husband cannot be a wayward all by himself. He had to have a willing participant help him. If I hire a hitman to go kill someone, I am just as guilty of murder as the hitman (its called contract killing). I might not have actually gone and committed the murder, but that doesn't mean I'm not guilty. Same thing with OWs/OMs. They are no less guilty than waywards.

 

It seems that the outrage on this thread comes from some OWs who seem to think that its not fair they should face consequences for their actions on DDay. Yeah, well, its called "welcome to the adult world".

 

 

 

Good Morning and thank you for your response. As I started the thread I'd like to add some clarity here. There are oceans of difference between consequences and revenge. All parties on these A (I almost said love triangles but then I recognised an A can be more than a triangle) suffer consequences, regardless if they were a knowing or unknowing participant in the A. I have used the most common definitions I could find as I recognise this forum is a global resource. Funnily enough, I did 6 searches for revenge which appears both a noun and a verb, and I will highlight the ironic text:

 

 

noun

noun: revenge

1. 1.
   the action of hurting or harming someone in return for an injury or wrong suffered at their hands.
   "other spurned wives have taken public revenge on their husbands"
    
    
    
    
   

verbliterary

 

verb: revenge; 3rd person present: revenges; past tense:

1. 1.
   inflict hurt or harm on someone for an injury or wrong done to oneself.
   "I'll be revenged on the whole pack of you"
    
    
    
    
   

 

 

vs.

noun

plural noun: consequences

1. 1.
   a result or effect, typically one that is unwelcome or unpleasant.
   "abrupt withdrawal of drug treatment can have serious consequences"
    
    
    
    
   

 

 

This thread was meant to be about the former, not the latter. I have never attacked any BS nor passed judgement on any of the posters. For me this was an information gathering exercise. Each of the parties involved has free will and will act accordingly aligned to what their personal, moral, civic, emotional and (hopefully) lawfulness code deems appropriate.

 

 

To suggest that OW/OM suffer no consequences is mostly untrue unless I surmise they have sometime of personality disorder which finds them unable at any point to find their conscious. Although it is evident that most stories share the same frameworks, the details are different, and therefore in my opinion broad-brush generalisations are not fit for purpose. Please note the definition above for revenge. Funnily enough, it mentions the MM not the OW.

 

 

As always I thank you for your insight. All of your opinions are very interesting and relevant. I don't know how to multi quote so I will address a related post. again thank you.

[sandylee1]

Always the OW, how about a nice letter sent to all the husbands warning them of a man who may try to seduce their wives. This is a good thread in that it shows the nastiness and negative impact an affair ends in.

 

 

I still believe involving a child's schooling is repulsive. If it involved a child molester than informing the school would be appropriate.

 

I guess a BH could send a letter to other dad's, but men don't usually operate like that IME. Men often just want to beat the OM up, but don't because of the repercussions.

 

I think there is a BH on LS who sent X rated photos of his wife/OM to her parents following the affair. He said they didn't believe him about the extent of the affair. I think his WW was minimising it to her family. They thought divorce was extreme until they saw the pics. I believe he also sent the photos to the OMs wife.

 

The odd thing is the OM sent the pics to the BH out of revenge , because he got fired from his job after the affair. So the revenge backfired further on the OM, because after his wife saw the pics it was the big D.

 

You're right in that it shows the negative impact. That impact is not just on the OW/MM/BW, it affects people around them as well. When a BS becomes vengeful it's out of your hands what they'll do.

 

The BW didn't inform the school , she told parents in the class and many of those were her friends , in the way you become friends with other parents in the class.

 

If the OW didn't have the affair, her child would not have been affected. The impact on the child was a direct result of her mother's actions. The others teachers felt this was the case, but it's not their job to preach morality. If I was the OW I'd only have myself to blame.

[elaine567]

Sure this is true on threads about a WH and an OW.

 

You do see threads about how a vicious predatory MM or OM is all to blame for taking otherwise blameless WW to her destruction. And then of course all the vitriol is directed at the MM. I do see that.

 

Many men it appears do not think that way re WW, look at the threads where the wife is thought to be cheating - SHE again is often seen as almost solely to blame, "the whore/slut/b*tch of a wife who opened her legs to the OM", is often the narrative and not "the predatory man took her away."

 

Maybe women in general are seen as higher beings in that they are not supposed to cheat.

Men, well that is just what men do, but decent women no way... only sluts and whores would do that...

SO, when women are seen as being willing participants in an affair, they are denigrated more, as it is seen to go against nature, it is seen as a much bigger "crime", than a man cheating.

I guess in the same way women murderers are seen to be especially evil.

[NewLeaf512]

I think that is the basic thing: it is wrong for people to sleep with people when THEY are married to someone else or to sleep WITH someone who is married to someone else. The Married person is not responsible for the AP's choice, and the AP is not responsible for the married person's choice.

 

And the BS is not responsible for either of their choices....but they ARE responsible for their own.

 

 

 

For me this sums it all up perfectly, but add one addition which is my personal opinion only, revenge doesn't help resolve anything, it heaps more pain on top of mountains of pain that already exist, and if it is the innocent party BS who exacts revenge (especially publicly) and then stays with WS, then not only have you humiliated WS for all to see by branding WS with the scarlet A which will make all the families feel suspect of WS for a long time (maybe forever) and many people will find BS to have no self-respect such that she stays in the marriage.

 

 

Someone was relaying a story about a school ground incident of revenge which I find completely baffling. To grow up being labelled as the "child of an Adulterer/ Adulteress is a heavy thing to do to a child, most certainly an innocent in the whole A.

[NewLeaf512]

I guess a BH could send a letter to other dad's, but men don't usually operate like that IME. Men often just want to beat the OM up, but don't because of the repercussions.

 

I think there is a BH on LS who sent X rated photos of his wife/OM to her parents following the affair. He said they didn't believe him about the extent of the affair. I think his WW was minimising it to her family. They thought divorce was extreme until they saw the pics. I believe he also sent the photos to the OMs wife.

 

The odd thing is the OM sent the pics to the BH out of revenge , because he got fired from his job after the affair. So the revenge backfired further on the OM, because after his wife saw the pics it was the big D.

 

You're right in that it shows the negative impact. That impact is not just on the OW/MM/BW, it affects people around them as well. When a BS becomes vengeful it's out of your hands what they'll do.

 

The BW didn't inform the school , she told parents in the class and many of those were her friends , in the way you become friends with other parents in the class.

 

If the OW didn't have the affair, her child would not have been affected. The impact on the child was a direct result of her mother's actions. The others teachers felt this was the case, but it's not their job to preach morality. If I was the OW I'd only have myself to blame.

 

 

Revenge isn't good for anyone. What if OW/OM (non innocent party or maybe innocent if they didn't know until they accidentally found out and then immediately called DDAY and went NC) went to exact revenge on MM/MW? The permutations are vast. What is ironic is that the BS and AP have something very significant in common they both were made promises and had them broken by the same person: WS.

[Susmay]

Revenge isn't good for anyone. What if OW/OM (non innocent party or maybe innocent if they didn't know until they accidentally found out and then immediately called DDAY and went NC) went to exact revenge on MM/MW? The permutations are vast. What is ironic is that the BS and AP have something very significant in common they both were made promises and had them broken by the same person: WS.

 

 

It was many years ago for us, but I have never regretted exposing the OW as I did. MY WH certainly broke promises he made to me, and probably promises he made to her.

 

 

After D-day many of her "secrets" were secrets no more and I'm sure she would be horrified to know some of the things I know about her. I don't kid myself that my H was a nice honourable man with lots of integrity, because quite simply he wasn't during that time. He was a cowardly person who threw his OW under the bus at D-day when he believed she was grieving for her dead H. That was before we found out about the other MM she was also having an A with.

 

 

For a long time I was devastated that he had been proven to be a man so capable of doing such terrible things to 2 women and both their families. However since then he's tried very hard to be a good man. We now have a very good life, and it's hard to discount so many good years because of a few which weren't good.

 

 

Maybe I did the wrong thing in staying. Maybe the boundaries we've agreed to are or will be too difficult for him. I don't know. I am much stronger now and won't stay with him if it happens again...

[NewLeaf512]

Right, but I was asking about what is considered fair consequences for BOTH WS and AP. Not just WS.

 

 

I think the consequences are whatever the fallout is from the discovery of the A.

 

 

Shame, heartbreak, depression, and any of the other myriad of circumstances that occur.

[elaine567]

revenge doesn't help resolve anything,

 

Someone was relaying a story about a school ground incident of revenge which I find completely baffling. To grow up being labelled as the "child of an Adulterer/ Adulteress is a heavy thing to do to a child, most certainly an innocent in the whole A.

 

Revenge against an innocent child is not the action of a decent human being...

 

Revenge messes up further what is already a messed up head.

It keeps the raw wound open.

[NewLeaf512]

It was many years ago for us, but I have never regretted exposing the OW as I did. MY WH certainly broke promises he made to me, and probably promises he made to her.

 

 

After D-day many of her "secrets" were secrets no more and I'm sure she would be horrified to know some of the things I know about her. I don't kid myself that my H was a nice honourable man with lots of integrity, because quite simply he wasn't during that time. He was a cowardly person who threw his OW under the bus at D-day when he believed she was grieving for her dead H. That was before we found out about the other MM she was also having an A with.

 

 

For a long time I was devastated that he had been proven to be a man so capable of doing such terrible things to 2 women and both their families. However since then he's tried very hard to be a good man. We now have a very good life, and it's hard to discount so many good years because of a few which weren't good.

 

 

Maybe I did the wrong thing in staying. Maybe the boundaries we've agreed to are or will be too difficult for him. I don't know. I am much stronger now and won't stay with him if it happens again...

 

 

I can't imagine the devastation you must have felt and how long you must have felt it. It pains me greatly to know I have been complicit in doing that to a BS. Although I am certain that when AP "confessed" that BS did not get the entire truth and I have wrestled with letting her know the truth so she could make informed choices about her future, or if that would hurt BS more. In the end I decided that their marriage was their marriage, I had interfered enough, and as she knows who I am, she can get in touch with me if she so chooses. The biggest gift I can give BS is my absence.

thanks for your response.

[sandylee1]

I read about an act of revenge from a BW.

She found a range of sex toys in her husband's briefcase (she stated they were not new and not used on her). She didn't say a word to her H, but got a hot jalapeño pepper and rubbed on them.

 

I won't repeat the words she said, but you can summise they weren't pleasant.

[RainDown]

Wow, this thread is a hot mess.

 

Anyway, I have yet to see an example of BS taking "revenge" on OW anywhere in this thread. Revenge is burning down someone's house, slashing their tires, decapitating their dog.

 

All I've seen (in this thread) is BS telling the truth about an event that occurred, i.e. I am married to <WH>, <WH> had an affair with <OW>, and here's the evidence. How is that revenge? It's just the truth of the matter and BS is free to share that truth with any and all she sees fit.

 

I AM the OW. I DID sleep with her husband. Is the BS obligated to keep that a secret so no one gets hurt? It's not like BS is making up lies when she tells my family, friends, boss, whoever, that I slept with her husband - she is sharing information that is absolutely true. I DID do it.

 

Would I be happier if BS just kept her mouth shut so I could go on my merry way unscathed? Well....yeah, that would be lovely indeed. But sorry, it's not "revenge" for her to tell the world about my part in blowing up her marriage. That is factual information BS has a perfect right to share in any way she sees fit. And if I don't like the fallout from that - well, I guess I shouldn't have handed her the ammo in the first place.

[AnotherSadSong]

Many men it appears do not think that way re WW, look at the threads where the wife is thought to be cheating - SHE again is often seen as almost solely to blame, "the whore/slut/b*tch of a wife who opened her legs to the OM", is often the narrative and not "the predatory man took her away."

 

Maybe women in general are seen as higher beings in that they are not supposed to cheat.

Men, well that is just what men do, but decent women no way... only sluts and whores would do that...

SO, when women are seen as being willing participants in an affair, they are denigrated more, as it is seen to go against nature, it is seen as a much bigger "crime", than a man cheating.

I guess in the same way women murderers are seen to be especially evil.

 

I must think like a man reflecting in how I handled past relationships. It is out the door.

 

 

There is always speculation about men's emotions vs. women's emotions. Men think clearly with the issue at hand and while feeling emotions, they do not let emotions guide their decisions.

 

 

They understand what an affair means and do not buy the I really love you and pleas for forgiveness. They rarely let them back in to play happy family and sponge off them to keep up appearances. And if they do not have a cheater's mentality then cake eating is foreign to them, they do not need a security blanket and a briefcase of excuses to stay in the marriage. I am staying for the money, kids, and appearances, this is never a motive. They move on with great speed.

 

 

There are of course exceptions but they are rare. They may have deep issues like co dependency or they are actually happy in the marriage and want to fight for it.

[AnotherSadSong]

I guess a BH could send a letter to other dad's, but men don't usually operate like that IME. Men often just want to beat the OM up, but don't because of the repercussions.

 

I think there is a BH on LS who sent X rated photos of his wife/OM to her parents following the affair. He said they didn't believe him about the extent of the affair. I think his WW was minimising it to her family. They thought divorce was extreme until they saw the pics. I believe he also sent the photos to the OMs wife.

 

The odd thing is the OM sent the pics to the BH out of revenge , because he got fired from his job after the affair. So the revenge backfired further on the OM, because after his wife saw the pics it was the big D.

 

You're right in that it shows the negative impact. That impact is not just on the OW/MM/BW, it affects people around them as well. When a BS becomes vengeful it's out of your hands what they'll do.

 

The BW didn't inform the school , she told parents in the class and many of those were her friends , in the way you become friends with other parents in the class.

 

If the OW didn't have the affair, her child would not have been affected. The impact on the child was a direct result of her mother's actions. The others teachers felt this was the case, but it's not their job to preach morality. If I was the OW I'd only have myself to blame.

 

If I made the decision to go to a school and warn all the mothers of a predatory OW, I would have to look at it logically and contact every husband and warn them about my predatory husband. He is no different than she is.

[elaine567]

There are of course exceptions but they are rare. They may have deep issues like co dependency or they are actually happy in the marriage and want to fight for it.

 

I also think men's relationship with their kids can be underplayed and I guess some men do not want to be parents 50% of the time nor do they want other men to be looking after their kids, so reconciling can be on the cards even if they are not doing it out of love for the WW.

 

Of course some men are about all maintaining marital status or preserving the status quo, saving face, upholding their place in the community, etc. too and some are not too fussed re their kids or the WW for that matter when they decide to reconcile.

[xxoo]

 

I'd pull out every legal, civil, and public stop I could. I might not win, but you do NOT come near my family, even under the guise of "nobility."

 

 

This is probably exactly what the BS is thinking/feeling when they seek revenge. The OW/OM came into their family, sometimes literally into their home and bed, and the impulse to protect and defend is powerful.

[sandylee1]

 

Maybe women in general are seen as higher beings in that they are not supposed to cheat.

Men, well that is just what men do, but decent women no way... only sluts and whores would do that...

SO, when women are seen as being willing participants in an affair, they are denigrated more, as it is seen to go against nature, it is seen as a much bigger "crime", than a man cheating.

I guess in the same way women murderers are seen to be especially evil.

 

This is spot on Elaine. Women are held to higher account in such matters.

 

Even when you look at the names used for both genders who are considered promiscuous.

 

Men are called players, philanderers, ladies man etc..

Women are called tramps, slags, bikes etc

 

We're meant to be the fairer , more gentle and compassionate sex who wouldn't inflict harm on others.

 

If exposure is considered revenge, I'd say that men seem to expose affairs to everybody less than women, as they feel their wife going to another man is a reflection on their sexual performance.......that she had to get satisfaction elsewhere . If they expose ,they want something to happen, like the OM to loose his job or something.

 

There was a BH who had recordings from a VAR of his WW with OM in her car , having sex and the OM saying awful things about his wife ( OMs wife ). He met with OM and played the recording and told him if he ever had any contact with his wife again , he would send that recording to his wife and their adult children. He was very strict about NC and also said that if his wife contacted the OM or attempted to , OM had to tell him or those recordings would be on their way to his wife and children.

[autumnnight]

This is probably exactly what the BS is thinking/feeling when they seek revenge. The OW/OM came into their family, sometimes literally into their home and bed, and the impulse to protect and defend is powerful.

 

I guess I just don't see that someone else's gross lack of character exempts ME from having any...shrug

[AnotherSadSong]

This is spot on Elaine. Women are held to higher account in such matters.

 

Even when you look at the names used for both genders who are considered promiscuous.

 

Men are called players, philanderers, ladies man etc..

Women are called tramps, slags, bikes etc

 

We're meant to be the fairer , more gentle and compassionate sex who wouldn't inflict harm on others.

 

If exposure is considered revenge, I'd say that men seem to expose affairs to everybody less than women, as they feel their wife going to another man is a reflection on their sexual performance.......that she had to get satisfaction elsewhere . If they expose ,they want something to happen, like the OM to loose his job or something.

 

There was a BH who had recordings from a VAR of his WW with OM in her car , having sex and the OM saying awful things about his wife ( OMs wife ). He met with OM and played the recording and told him if he ever had any contact with his wife again , he would send that recording to his wife and their adult children. He was very strict about NC and also said that if his wife contacted the OM or attempted to , OM had to tell him or those recordings would be on their way to his wife and children.

 

 

I wonder if the OP was not a woman but a man, gay relations, if the BS would publicly out everyone. The schools, the workplace, and the general public. I would assume they would, why not? Shouldn't a person bent on revenge not be choosy because of gender?