What if the [betrayed spouse] tried to get revenge on you? [infidelity-related]

July 10, 2015

Thank you for all your responses. I'm not here to judge being a cheating OW so I appreciate all your sharing.

One thing I have been noticing is that the OW seems to be the object of most of the vitriol with MM not suffering public humiliation or loss (as it appears that most of the MM stay with BW). Why do you think that is?

I imagine if you want to reconcile it's better not to hate your spouse. Most feel they know their spouses very well as people of integrity and morals , so it's easier for them to blame and hate the person you don't know ( OW /OM).

I guess it's no different to the OW saying they don't know the BW and owe them nothing because they didn't break any vows. Added with the fact that many (not all) OW have shown they hate the BW, who is standing in the way of getting her man.

I also believe that the BS feels that the single OW/OM doesn't suffer any consequences for the A. No marriage at risk...Therefore the BS thinks of other ways to make them face consequences and exposure is one of them. Whether to their employers, parents, children..

My friend who is a teacher told me of a BW who sent an email to all the parents in the class that the OWs daughter (and the BWs) daughter went to school, telling of the affair. It soon became a topic of conversation among the parents in the playground. Unfortunately, the OWs daughter was affected by this exposure and the OW came to complain about it.

The MM will often have already been exposed to the family , kids in laws and friends of the marriage, so he's been exposed to those who matter.

July 10, 2015

I imagine if you want to reconcile it's better not to hate your spouse. Most feel they know their spouses very well as people of integrity and morals , so it's easier for them to blame and hate the person you don't know ( OW /OM).

I guess it's no different to the OW saying they don't know the BW and owe them nothing because they didn't break any vows. Added with the fact that many (not all) OW have shown they hate the BW, who is standing in the way of getting her man.

I also believe that the BS feels that the single OW/OM doesn't suffer any consequences for the A. No marriage at risk...Therefore the BS thinks of other ways to make them face consequences and exposure is one of them. Whether to their employers, parents, children..

My friend who is a teacher told me of a BW who sent an email to all the parents in the class that the OWs daughter (and the BWs) daughter went to school, telling of the affair. It soon became a topic of conversation among the parents in the playground. Unfortunately, the OWs daughter was affected by this exposure and the OW came to complain about it.

The MM will often have already been exposed to the family , kids in laws and friends of the marriage, so he's been exposed to those who matter.

I know that OW hold responsibility but to go as low as to directly target and hurt her children is unconscionable over a man. I could not be vengeful like that and live with myself. Unless of course someone murdered my child. I could see myself as vengeful in that situation.

July 10, 2015

By the time I left Elementary School....my educators had firmly entrenched in myself...that what ever I did or said was 100% on me...and I was held accountable as such.

Also, the whole theory if it wasn't me...it would have been someone's else...also didn't fly. It wasn't someone else...it was ME...that chose the wrong words or actions. Again...I was held accountable 100%.

Whether one works at the bank...or even owns it...the party who didn't work/own the bank is held just as accountable if a breach of trust/theft is committed.

It took me a few years to fully understand that how I carry myself in this life matters. It matters to the fast food cashier if I am short with them or am respectful/polite, it matters to the driver who just got a message from their child they are locked out of the house in the rain and I let them cut in front when they are nudging their way in front of me, or the neighbourhood kids who are playing street hockey and I come to a full stop until there is a break in play.

I am now conscious of how I effect others. We all get to decide if we want to leave light in our wake or darkness.

I like to think I can find the good in me again. I had a heart before this. I saved a bug today from a web, took careful calculation and the perfect tool to snag it out of harms way. I saw that the lady had her share of caught food the day prior while sitting on my patio so she would not starve.

And you are right that caring for others and all things makes you a better person. You get caught up in a web of deceit during the affair. I hope to find myself again once the fog lifts.

July 10, 2015

I also meant to say that by exposing the OW, a BW is equally exposing her WH, because an individual needs an affair partner.

July 10, 2015

I think you are missing the point. This OW and your D-day would have never occurred if your husband kept faithful in the marriage. She would not have been in your existence.

I don't think I'm missing the point of this thread at all. I am addressing the scenario of revenge by the BW on the OW. All I saw of her was her bad or evil nature. She never once showed me a good side and clearly she felt she owed me nothing. She too felt it was my H who'd broken his promises to me and that she wasn't responsible for this. I know this because she told me!

This thread is NOT about consequences to my WH which were very different to the consequences to the OW. It should be pretty obvious to everyone that when a couple are reconciling their marriage the consequences on a WH and an OW will be totally different.

I did not seek revenge on him. I'd made promises to him, not to her...

July 10, 2015

Ah, there is the disconnect.

I was wondering why you were so vociferous on this - and I couldn't grasp it.

Let me see if I follow you now: You are objecting to the fact that, in the context of this thread, the WS does not appear to be "getting his fair due of revenge" as well - and it, from outward appearances, is all heaped on the AP.
And that is "not fair" as why should one "guilty party" take all the "crap" - or a disproportionate amount of it - from the BS, et al while the other gets "less than his fair share of crap".

Yes?

I will continue assuming I'm right. (Which just means Im wrong - ha!)

I can follow that logic and, to me anyways, your PoV becomes clear.

The answer I have is not one you will care for: Tough luck.

(And really this all about PoV.)

You do NOT get to control the BS' reaction. Why should the BS care for your opinion anyway on what is fair or just? If the BS chooses to let her WS off scott-free and come after you with all the rage a woman can muster - so? That's the BS' choice. You don't get to make it. Your opinion on the fairness of it all is moot (to the BS).

Does it seem right and fair and just to the BS? Of course, she's doing it TO you.
Does it seem right and fair and just to you? Of course not...you are on the receiving end of it.

Why don't you ask the BS if it was right or fair or just to have an A with her H? The roles will flip. The AP's clearly felt it was ok and the BS not so much.

Its all about perspective.

Now, if you ask ME - I agree with you. Not fair. I would argue as you do - each gets 50% of blame and "revenge". But I'm on the outside. I have no dog in this fight. I'm NOT swayed by emotion so logic can rule. Fairness can take root. Hard to do that in the hurricane no?

I hope you don't think I'm having a go at you. I'm not. Just what I see and think.

In short, the answer to the fairness question depends on your PoV.
The BS feels justified and the AP does not. The MM is staying low and out of the line of fire.

(secret: the WS doesn't get off scott-free; they too have a heavy price to pay)

Hi and thanks for your thoughts here. I am always interested in everyone's points of view even if they differ from my own. As I started this thread, the topic was simply about what if BS got revenge, has it happened to you and what did it look like? It's kind of gotten to include who deserve revenge acted against them more.

My personal thought is revenge doesn't really help much, it could likely make things worse, and regardless of who exacts revenge on whom, it's a 2 way street and perhaps a situation that could get out of hand very quickly (even if legal routes are followed or not)

PRETEND example: lets say the poor BS of my exMM decides to exact revenge by telling my company about it, and I lost my job. Maybe I would feel that was my just desert. perhaps I get very angry that she took away my livelihood and decided to "pay back" with photos taken by me on my device therefore copy right is mine and distribute the photos to whomever I saw fit, with a caption that said "here is joe smith husband of mary smith and I jane jones kissing. He is a cheating adulterer and I was his mistress for 7 years, mary smith knows this and is staying with him anyway"

Taped to trees, distributed to the church congregation, posted through letter slots, whatever. It would be horrible. BS gets more angry and escalates her campaign against OW and one it goes.

Does it seem to anyone else that it is usually the BS who staying with the AP who feels this way?

I think for wounds to heal, trust to be restored, and healing to happen, revenge cant be part of that equation.

Thank you for that response

July 10, 2015

If I was ever an OW, I would completely understand a BW being angry angry angry at me. I'd understand a scathing email and a ranting phone call.

But, if she stepped one toe into legally murky water or breathed in the direction of my kids/family (including threatening the livelihood with which I care for them).....

I'd pull out every legal, civil, and public stop I could. I might not win, but you do NOT come near my family, even under the guise of "nobility."

And the idea that a suicide is not a real tragedy cause "well, someone shouldn't have started that train" is just disgusting.

Sometimes the BS becomes just as subhuman as they think the WS/AP are

I merely said that once the train is started it cannot be controlled. In our situation 2 people died in tragic "accidents" (both men in their 40s), the OW's husband followed by a member of my H's family. My H went off the rails (note another train analogy) and this brought on D-day.

There was tragedy enough for all involved. And for you to imply that somehow my exposure of the OW (after D-day and the deaths) , brought on people's deaths is also disgusting. Didn't people have a right to know what had been going on in the background?

July 10, 2015

I don't understand why so many (who are probably OW) don't get that the consequences "dished out" by a BW to a MM who is reconciling his marriage are by necessity going to be quite different to the consequences (which may include revenge or exposure) "dished out" by that same BW to the OW.

Given that many BW require a different level of honesty from their husbands after infidelity, how on earth as a BW, could I treat the OW equally and demand that of her?

If her family chose exposure of my H, I wouldn't have blamed them.

July 10, 2015

I know that OW hold responsibility but to go as low as to directly target and hurt her children is unconscionable over a man. I could not be vengeful like that and live with myself. Unless of course someone murdered my child. I could see myself as vengeful in that situation.

I'm not sure the intention was to hurt the child, it was more of a 'watch out and mind your husbands as she sleeps with married men' type of email message. Obviously to damage her reputation as well and it worked because other parents kind of distanced themselves from the OW after that.

When the OWs daughter wasn't being invited to birthday parties any more and obviously got upset, that's when the OW decided to complain. Unfortunately, the school couldn't intervene with kid's birthday parties, but they sympathetic with the whole situation and how it was affecting the OWs child. There was a lot of talk in the staffroom about it.

My children went to that primary school as well, but are now in high school, so I know some of these parents too. Strange thing is that the BWs daughter then seemed to be getting invited to more parties and play dates because people felt sorry for her/her mother.

I recall that not much was being said about the WH though.

July 10, 2015

So, what would be considered fair consequences for both the WS and OW/M?

July 10, 2015

So, what would be considered fair consequences for both the WS and OW/M?

I'm about to go out for the next 10 hours but will think about this, but I will say my list of consequences for my reconciling fWH were long and ended up taking many years, whereas for the OW I wanted to get her out of her lives and exposure seemed quick and easy and it was.

I'm interested in what you would think is the answer to this interesting question. Maybe if your enquiry is genuine you could start a separate thread.

July 11, 2015

Hi and thanks for your thoughts here. I am always interested in everyone's points of view even if they differ from my own. As I started this thread, the topic was simply about what if BS got revenge, has it happened to you and what did it look like? It's kind of gotten to include who deserve revenge acted against them more.

My personal thought is revenge doesn't really help much, it could likely make things worse, and regardless of who exacts revenge on whom, it's a 2 way street and perhaps a situation that could get out of hand very quickly (even if legal routes are followed or not)

PRETEND example: lets say the poor BS of my exMM decides to exact revenge by telling my company about it, and I lost my job. Maybe I would feel that was my just desert. perhaps I get very angry that she took away my livelihood and decided to "pay back" with photos taken by me on my device therefore copy right is mine and distribute the photos to whomever I saw fit, with a caption that said "here is joe smith husband of mary smith and I jane jones kissing. He is a cheating adulterer and I was his mistress for 7 years, mary smith knows this and is staying with him anyway"

Taped to trees, distributed to the church congregation, posted through letter slots, whatever. It would be horrible. BS gets more angry and escalates her campaign against OW and one it goes.

Does it seem to anyone else that it is usually the BS who staying with the AP who feels this way?

I think for wounds to heal, trust to be restored, and healing to happen, revenge cant be part of that equation.

Thank you for that response

When you say revenge doesn't help much, it depends on which side you're at. The fact is many BSs spend a great deal of time thinking about suitable revenge and can't move on until they do something. Everyone is different and some BSs don't give it a thought.

In your hypothetical example of the flyers, the people who look bad are you and the MM. People would likely feel sorry for the BW. Some may think she's a fool for staying, but it doesn't damage her reputation like it would yours as the mistress.

Some acts of revenge might be deemed to be going to far, but just like having the affair was out of the BWs control, so is any form of revenge they choose out of the OWs hands.

Revenge isn't only taken by the BS that decides to stay. A real life example similar to your hypothetical one was a BW doing the flyers and circulating in the OWs neighbourhood and around her workplace. The BW stated the company name, the OWs job title and said she ***** MM . The OW was required to resign from her job. Her actions brought the company into disrepute. If she didn't resign she would have been fired .

This BW really was a loose cannon though, or maybe just filled with rage. She confronted the OW at her home and OWs husband and kids were there. She kicked her H out , but she was doing everything to ruin the OW.

I think of all this the worse thing for the OW is her teenage daughter's loss of respect for her, because when she tries to discipline her daughter, she gets 'after what you did , don't you dare try to tell me what to do '. 'You cheated on dad '

To witness an enraged BW screaming at your mother 'you f**** my husband ' is very traumatic.

July 11, 2015

I'm not sure the intention was to hurt the child, it was more of a 'watch out and mind your husbands as she sleeps with married men' type of email message. Obviously to damage her reputation as well and it worked because other parents kind of distanced themselves from the OW after that.

When the OWs daughter wasn't being invited to birthday parties any more and obviously got upset, that's when the OW decided to complain. Unfortunately, the school couldn't intervene with kid's birthday parties, but they sympathetic with the whole situation and how it was affecting the OWs child. There was a lot of talk in the staffroom about it.

My children went to that primary school as well, but are now in high school, so I know some of these parents too. Strange thing is that the BWs daughter then seemed to be getting invited to more parties and play dates because people felt sorry for her/her mother.

I recall that not much was being said about the WH though.

Always the OW, how about a nice letter sent to all the husbands warning them of a man who may try to seduce their wives. This is a good thread in that it shows the nastiness and negative impact an affair ends in.

I still believe involving a child's schooling is repulsive. If it involved a child molester than informing the school would be appropriate.

July 11, 2015

To witness an enraged BW screaming at your mother 'you f**** my husband ' is very traumatic.

If someone came unlawfully on my property threatening me or my children, they wouldn't make it off the doorstep.

July 11, 2015

My friend who is a teacher told me of a BW who sent an email to all the parents in the class that the OWs daughter (and the BWs) daughter went to school, telling of the affair. It soon became a topic of conversation among the parents in the playground. Unfortunately, the OWs daughter was affected by this exposure and the OW came to complain about it.

This BW showed an extreme lack of character and empathy herself. Can you imagine what life became like for that little girl???

Nope, no excuse.

July 11, 2015

Oh, and if you expose someone and they then commit suicide...yeah, you di have a hand in that. Sorry.

July 11, 2015

This BW showed an extreme lack of character and empathy herself. Can you imagine what life became like for that little girl???

Nope, no excuse.

If I felt I had to go these lengths and extremes of complete chaos over a man, I would leave him. We are not conjoined twins and have to go through drastic surgical procedures to separate. Relationships come and go and love can die as well.

Edited July 11, 2015 by AnotherSadSong
grammer

July 11, 2015

That defies the initial fact. It would be saying as long as there were no banks established in this country, a bank robber would be stifled. The initial fact remains iron clad. The rest, the manipulation and the lies is an after fact.

Honey, OW drives the getaway car.

She provides the means for the "escape from his marriage."

July 11, 2015

The OW has some shares in responsibility, but it does not change the fact that had the man remained faithful to his vows and not stepped out of the marriage he would not have had a situation. I personally think they should go get their nasty nuts off with a street hooker that is more their equal. But they want to drain all the goods out of another and a street hooker does not have those goods to offer. What fun would that be to the users?

I think that many street hookers are far more vulnerable and damaged then the average OW who just "Wants 'her' man at any cost."

July 11, 2015

Honey, OW drives the getaway car.

She provides the means for the "escape from his marriage."

Who needs a get away driver if you stay faithful in your marriage. Faithful loving husbands don't need a driver because they keep their vows.

July 11, 2015

Who needs a get away driver if you stay faithful in your marriage. Faithful loving husbands don't need a driver because they keep their vows.

Yes that is true. The WH chose to be a wayward husband.

However, there is another truth. The OW chose to be the OW.

Whether or not the WH decided to pin that hat badge on....has no bearing or relevance if an OW decided to attach her hat badge on or not.

My integrity is mine to establish and MAINTAIN. I don't get to point at others lack of integrity....follow suit...then place blame on them.

We spend years/decades getting babies ready for the adult world. Once we become adults and expect all the privileges of being an adult, we also have to accept that with those privileges (independent of parental control), we accept the consequences for our own choices. We no longer get to point to ...Mommy/Daddy for making poor choices on our behalf. We no longer get to point to the other guy for our actions. They are ours to own. A life lesson that took me until the age of 30 to "get". I could not spend the rest of my life pointing out what lousy parents I had....and behave poorly.

My childhood experience totally on my parents. My adult choices....totally on me.

It was an empowering gift to myself.

July 11, 2015

Hi and thanks for your thoughts here. I am always interested in everyone's points of view even if they differ from my own. As I started this thread, the topic was simply about what if BS got revenge, has it happened to you and what did it look like? It's kind of gotten to include who deserve revenge acted against them more.

Well, what does that mean "got revenge"?

What would qualify as revenge? Does exposure count?

My personal thought is revenge doesn't really help much, it could likely make things worse, and regardless of who exacts revenge on whom, it's a 2 way street and perhaps a situation that could get out of hand very quickly (even if legal routes are followed or not)

I agree. Its not particularly useful even if it does feel good at the moment.

Can it spiral out of control? You bet.

PRETEND example: lets say the poor BS of my exMM decides to exact revenge by telling my company about it, and I lost my job. Maybe I would feel that was my just desert. perhaps I get very angry that she took away my livelihood and decided to "pay back" with photos taken by me on my device therefore copy right is mine and distribute the photos to whomever I saw fit, with a caption that said "here is joe smith husband of mary smith and I jane jones kissing. He is a cheating adulterer and I was his mistress for 7 years, mary smith knows this and is staying with him anyway"

And here is where this falls apart: Stop responding in kind.

BS "gets revenge" - break the cycle and walk away. Easy yes?

We cannot control the words and actions of others - but we CAN control ourselves.

I think for wounds to heal, trust to be restored, and healing to happen, revenge cant be part of that equation.

I agree that is the most healthy way to move forward.

However, this presumes the BS is 1) healthy and 2) capable of rational long term thinking at that moment in time. And, maybe, that BS is just plain mean and now has a new, "legitimate" target. A's are fraught with peril.

For some people, its far EASIER to blame and outside third party (the OM/OW) rather than shift the blame (in all or some percentage) to the WS as well.

The best way, to me, should an AP find themselves the target of revenge: let it go. You cannot control the BS but you CAN control yourself. Stop the escalation, engage the authorities as required, and navigate the rapids until one finds calmer waters.

Quick, how many OM/OW here have an escape plan? A plan to follow if all h_ll breaks loose? It's a smart move (but even smarter to stop)

July 11, 2015

So, what would be considered fair consequences for both the WS and OW/M?

Dump the cheating a__ and sleep with his friends of course if one is single, charming and handsome. Have one answer the door if he stops by, can I help you. I did this once and it felt a whole lot of good and importantly I never felt a twinge of guilt or bad, no revenge, just consequences.

July 11, 2015

Shania Twain did that and in a hurry, her husband left for the OW and she married the betrayed husband. Would work for me.

July 11, 2015

Dump the cheating a__ and sleep with his friends of course if one is single, charming and handsome. Have one answer the door if he stops by, can I help you. I did this once and it felt a whole lot of good and importantly I never felt a twinge of guilt or bad, no revenge, just consequences.

Ok and what consequences would OW/M face? This scenario more or less seems directed at the WS.

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What if the [betrayed spouse] tried to get revenge on you? [infidelity-related]

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