What if the [betrayed spouse] tried to get revenge on you? [infidelity-related]

[RoseVille]

The OW is like the bank robber's getaway driver. Didn't actually rob the bank but still participated in the crime.

 

Still doesn't work as an analogy. In a bank, everyone would have a vested interest in it not getting robbed. Instead, it's more like he made a huge withdrawal and spent it on his OW. He's the one who broke trust, duty, obligation.

[solostand]

The BS in my situation told me she is praying for me.

 

Somehow that makes me feel worse than if she tried to extract revenge.

 

On the other hand, I can use all the prayers I can get I guess, lol.

[AnotherSadSong]

What most OW (not so much OM) fail to grasp is that they chose to enter into anothers life (BW) in a negative, destructive, hurtful way.

 

It would be like walking up to some stranger on the bus and taking a sledge hammer to them. That is the only side of themselves (the OW) that they have shown the BW.

 

Where a WH, has shown many facets of himself. There were loving moments, care, concern, laughter, friendship, dinners, gifts, compliments, holidays, vacations...etc. A WH has some level of "deposits" in the relationship that are extremely positive.

 

Going back to the bus....if all one has received is a sledge hammer to the gut...one is going to come back swinging just as hard.

 

Not that hard to understand at all.

 

Men learn this in childhood in how they interact with other males.

 

I understand the emotional pain that BS must endure. Although, comparing the OW to an ax murderer or someone that crushes the skull, splitting bone pieces while committing a horrific act of violence with a sledgehammer onto a victim is a little overboard.

[ladydesigner]

I understand the emotional pain that BS must endure. Although, comparing the OW to an ax murderer or someone that crushes the skull, splitting bone pieces while committing a horrific act of violence with a sledgehammer onto a victim is a little overboard.

 

Have you ever experienced this feeling? I can relate to it well actually. While I put most of the blame where it should be, on my WH, the MOW knew he was married and also at times rubbed their A in my face. So yes I feel the example given was pretty accurate.

 

The pain and anguish that comes with infidelity is almost too much to bear. No one deserves this.

[autumnnight]

Still doesn't work as an analogy. In a bank, everyone would have a vested interest in it not getting robbed. Instead, it's more like he made a huge withdrawal and spent it on his OW. He's the one who broke trust, duty, obligation.

 

Yeah, she just got naked with a married man. No biggie

[jwi71]

Still doesn't work as an analogy. In a bank, everyone would have a vested interest in it not getting robbed. Instead, it's more like he made a huge withdrawal and spent it on his OW. He's the one who broke trust, duty, obligation.

 

Agreed - but we all get the gist of what is trying to be said.

 

If an person does not wish to have a vengeful BS "After them" - do not have an A with a WS.

 

Seems very simple to me.

 

As to what is like: I would imagine not very pleasant. However, it IS a risk - and one each knowing participant in an A signs up for. And please do NOT construe this as condoning harassment, violence or any other illegal act on ANYONE's part. If that occurs, immediately notify the authorities.

[AnotherSadSong]

Have you ever experienced this feeling? I can relate to it well actually. While I put most of the blame where it should be, on my WH, the MOW knew he was married and also at times rubbed their A in my face. So yes I feel the example given was pretty accurate.

 

The pain and anguish that comes with infidelity is almost too much to bear. No one deserves this.

 

I think there is a lot of pain that goes around with affairs. We are all people and hurt and pain is not prejudice.

[Confused48]

Sure this is true on threads about a WH and an OW.

 

You do see threads about how a vicious predatory MM or OM is all to blame for taking otherwise blameless WW to her destruction. And then of course all the vitriol is directed at the MM. I do see that.

[AnotherSadSong]

Agreed - but we all get the gist of what is trying to be said.

 

If an person does not wish to have a vengeful BS "After them" - do not have an A with a WS.

 

Seems very simple to me.

 

As to what is like: I would imagine not very pleasant. However, it IS a risk - and one each knowing participant in an A signs up for. And please do NOT construe this as condoning harassment, violence or any other illegal act on ANYONE's part. If that occurs, immediately notify the authorities.

 

My original point is still valid and factual had the low life not stepped out in the first place them there would be none of the following and his life would peachy.

[GoldieLox]

If you're in an A, you're 50% to blame. I don't care if you're single, married, in a relationship, status means nothing to me. On that note, I'm a little sick of people saying "it's wrong for her to sleep with a married man"... well yes, of course it is. This is like beating a dead horse over and over. But it's also wrong for a single man to sleep with a married woman. Or a married man to sleep with a married woman. I'm going to guess it keeps coming up in this context solely because this board is full of mostly women, but can we at least drop the double standards just for a bit and all agree that married people sleeping with anyone else is just bad, no matter what gender you are?

[autumnnight]

I think that is the basic thing: it is wrong for people to sleep with people when THEY are married to someone else or to sleep WITH someone who is married to someone else. The Married person is not responsible for the AP's choice, and the AP is not responsible for the married person's choice.

 

And the BS is not responsible for either of their choices....but they ARE responsible for their own.

[GoldieLox]

I think that is the basic thing: it is wrong for people to sleep with people when THEY are married to someone else or to sleep WITH someone who is married to someone else. The Married person is not responsible for the AP's choice, and the AP is not responsible for the married person's choice.

 

And the BS is not responsible for either of their choices....but they ARE responsible for their own.

 

exactly, thank you.

[AnotherSadSong]

exactly, thank you.

 

So it seems to have been solved, it is 50/50 responsibility, a team effort.

[autumnnight]

So it seems to have been solved, it is 50/50 responsibility, a team effort.

 

Yep, but someone who truly wants to deal with it will not focus on the other person's 50%...they will focus on their own.

 

A person who needs to constantly point out who ELSE did something wrong is usually deflecting

[GoldieLox]

So it seems to have been solved, it is 50/50 responsibility, a team effort.

 

Absolutely. A lot of people seem to think that just because one side was the pursuer, it was "all their fault, their responsibility". GTFOH. xAP pursued me, yes, but I could've pushed him away. I didn't. There's where my 50% blame/liability/stupidity starts. It may have been the worst mistake of my life, but at least now I'm gaining the insight to deal with it and change things and make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

To answer the original question and stay on topic a bit, I'd take a little bit of revenge as long as it didn't boarder on harrassment/illegal activities. However, due to the nature of his/my jobs, she won't come near me. Not going to say I wouldn't deserve it though.

[AnotherSadSong]

Yep, but someone who truly wants to deal with it will not focus on the other person's 50%...they will focus on their own.

 

A person who needs to constantly point out who ELSE did something wrong is usually deflecting

 

 

I hope the wink wasn't for me because I have shared my guilt and pain. This thread was basically on revenge and a poster wrote all her revenge went to the OW and not the husband, so blame was not 50/50.

[autumnnight]

I hope the wink wasn't for me because I have shared my guilt and pain. This thread was basically on revenge and a poster wrote all her revenge went to the OW and not the husband, so blame was not 50/50.

 

No, it wasn't.

 

I think a lot of times BS focus on the AP because if they actually looked at what their WS did in the same light they wouldn't be able to be in the same room with them or refrain from smacking them with a frying pan. The AP seems a "safer" scapegoat for the full force of anger. However, most BS I have seen who really heal eventually hold the WS at least as accountable as the AP.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

Still doesn't work as an analogy. In a bank, everyone would have a vested interest in it not getting robbed. Instead, it's more like he made a huge withdrawal and spent it on his OW. He's the one who broke trust, duty, obligation.

 

One could say the MM and the OW conspired together. Or in the case you explained the OW could be charged with "recieving stolen property". Really we could go on and on. Point is both know it's wrong.

[AnotherSadSong]

No, it wasn't.

 

I think a lot of times BS focus on the AP because if they actually looked at what their WS did in the same light they wouldn't be able to be in the same room with them or refrain from smacking them with a frying pan. The AP seems a "safer" scapegoat for the full force of anger. However, most BS I have seen who really heal eventually hold the WS at least as accountable as the AP.

 

I have been cheated on in a long term relationship that was destined for marriage when I was younger. We are all different in how we think and take things into consideration, but for me the focus was never her, she was completely irrelevant, I never looked further then knowing her name. He took the step out of the relationship and made the decision to cheat.

 

 

He was kicked out, everything, not much, but was out the door. He called and called and tried to talk, but I had none of it. A few days later he contacted he was coming by and could we talk. I finally relented and said sure. He came with a huge bouquet of flowers. I had met up with an old very nice looking acquaintance while throwing a few back in the aftermath at a local bar and I had him answer the door and he said can I take those for you. I believe he was shocked and he actually left them on the porch. He never directly called again, there was one and I could hear drunk muffling of his voice, non coherent, and friends. I then heard a girls voice telling him to hang up...do not do that.

 

 

I know what I did with an affair was wrong and take responsibility on my part, and I know my emotions now which are unbelievably crazy right now are making me speak idiotic concoctions which probably are not helpful or healthy.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

So it seems to have been solved, it is 50/50 responsibility, a team effort.

 

Exactly. What else would it be?

[ladydesigner]

No, it wasn't.

 

I think a lot of times BS focus on the AP because if they actually looked at what their WS did in the same light they wouldn't be able to be in the same room with them or refrain from smacking them with a frying pan. The AP seems a "safer" scapegoat for the full force of anger. However, most BS I have seen who really heal eventually hold the WS at least as accountable as the AP.

 

Right after Dday my initial anger was at WH, then it went to the MOW for her vitrol towards me (she was blaming the whole A on me). Now I realize my WH was truly the one to blame. He fed MOW the info about our M and she made her decisions based on what he said. After False R we compared stories, she had no idea we were in R she thought we were still having issues (and we were not that is what WH told her to keep the A going, I think). In the end she was hurt very badly by my WH too. None of us came out of this thing unscathed. The sole person to put blame on in my opinion is the WS.

 

Unless you are an OW who strictly prefers MM , I can't see how the AP is fully to blame. They are fed a bunch of crap by the WS usually (not all cases of course).

[GoldieLox]

Exactly. What else would it be?

 

I directly quote from post #66:

A lot of people seem to think that just because one side was the pursuer, it was "all their fault, their responsibility". GTFOH.

 

[NewLeaf512]

Exactly. What else would it be?

 

 

 

Hi thanks for your question. There seems to be some debate that the OW/OM has more culpability and is therefore deserving of scorn and vitriol than the MM/MW. After some discussion, it seems like most posters agree it is 50/50. regards

[AlwaysGrowing]

So it seems to have been solved, it is 50/50 responsibility, a team effort.

 

By the time I left Elementary School....my educators had firmly entrenched in myself...that what ever I did or said was 100% on me...and I was held accountable as such.

 

Also, the whole theory if it wasn't me...it would have been someone's else...also didn't fly. It wasn't someone else...it was ME...that chose the wrong words or actions. Again...I was held accountable 100%.

 

Whether one works at the bank...or even owns it...the party who didn't work/own the bank is held just as accountable if a breach of trust/theft is committed.

 

It took me a few years to fully understand that how I carry myself in this life matters. It matters to the fast food cashier if I am short with them or am respectful/polite, it matters to the driver who just got a message from their child they are locked out of the house in the rain and I let them cut in front when they are nudging their way in front of me, or the neighbourhood kids who are playing street hockey and I come to a full stop until there is a break in play.

 

I am now conscious of how I effect others. We all get to decide if we want to leave light in our wake or darkness.

[jwi71]

I hope the wink wasn't for me because I have shared my guilt and pain. This thread was basically on revenge and a poster wrote all her revenge went to the OW and not the husband, so blame was not 50/50.

 

Ah, there is the disconnect.

 

I was wondering why you were so vociferous on this - and I couldn't grasp it.

 

Let me see if I follow you now: You are objecting to the fact that, in the context of this thread, the WS does not appear to be "getting his fair due of revenge" as well - and it, from outward appearances, is all heaped on the AP.

And that is "not fair" as why should one "guilty party" take all the "crap" - or a disproportionate amount of it - from the BS, et al while the other gets "less than his fair share of crap".

 

Yes?

 

 

I will continue assuming I'm right. (Which just means Im wrong - ha!)

 

I can follow that logic and, to me anyways, your PoV becomes clear.

 

The answer I have is not one you will care for: Tough luck.

 

(And really this all about PoV.)

 

You do NOT get to control the BS' reaction. Why should the BS care for your opinion anyway on what is fair or just? If the BS chooses to let her WS off scott-free and come after you with all the rage a woman can muster - so? That's the BS' choice. You don't get to make it. Your opinion on the fairness of it all is moot (to the BS).

 

Does it seem right and fair and just to the BS? Of course, she's doing it TO you.

Does it seem right and fair and just to you? Of course not...you are on the receiving end of it.

 

Why don't you ask the BS if it was right or fair or just to have an A with her H? The roles will flip. The AP's clearly felt it was ok and the BS not so much.

 

Its all about perspective.

 

Now, if you ask ME - I agree with you. Not fair. I would argue as you do - each gets 50% of blame and "revenge". But I'm on the outside. I have no dog in this fight. I'm NOT swayed by emotion so logic can rule. Fairness can take root. Hard to do that in the hurricane no?

 

I hope you don't think I'm having a go at you. I'm not. Just what I see and think.

 

In short, the answer to the fairness question depends on your PoV.

The BS feels justified and the AP does not. The MM is staying low and out of the line of fire.

 

(secret: the WS doesn't get off scott-free; they too have a heavy price to pay)