What if the [betrayed spouse] tried to get revenge on you? [infidelity-related]

[NewLeaf512]

It can cause pain, in my own life witnessing with a young family member. The late teens, girlfriends being stolen, affair type situations, the girlfriends and boyfriends changing. Revenge was laid onto him for stealing a girlfriend, friendships were changed. And the revenge became too much because of course the punisher, did not know of other things going on in his life.

 

 

Well, he laid down and placed a gun in his mouth, and blew his life away.

 

 

He was popular, athletic, model looks, and had many friends. He was 18. The whys were enormous and the burden placed on the family had tragic consequences and led to broken marriages and huge family rifts.

 

 

I am very sorry to hear this. I personally know what suicide does to the people left behind no matter what the reason. Sending kind vides

[Susmay]

Perhaps this is just my perception, but your revenge seems as though there was a lot of anger behind it. (understandable) what is less understandable is why you didn't find it in equal measure.

 

 

What if OW started telling everyone about he relationship with your husband, and splashing the news far and wide that he was a cheater and letting our intimate details of their illicit affair to all and sundry, or turned up at your place of work and let it be known she'd made it with your husband?

 

 

I certainly don't advocate for either of those but the blame game / humiliation heaping cold potentially go both ways. I would not like to open that Pandora's box. Thank you for your response.

 

 

Our d-day was "spectacular" in that everybody on our side (ie our family, work etc) knew about it. There was virtually no additional humiliation, embarrassment or exposure that could have been heaped on me. As you correctly said it can and did in fact go both ways. I was not the instigator but the retaliator. Fortunately it did stop her. If she had gone further into the "illegal" domain it could have been very tricky.

[AnotherSadSong]

This is horrific, and an example to people who might be doing or considering infidelity. It can be life changing and death causing. Once you set the train in motion though, you cannot control others' behaviour.

 

Yes it was horrific. At the viewing, it was packed to full limit with friends, because they were all friends at one time. No one knows today what really happened at the viewing. There was a huge and I mean huge rumble outside. It was never made clear if it was the punisher attending or friends that knew of the on-goings. Girls running in screaming and crying. Groups huddled together heated and fractioned. A mess it was.

[AnotherSadSong]

Our d-day was "spectacular" in that everybody on our side (ie our family, work etc) knew about it. There was virtually no additional humiliation, embarrassment or exposure that could have been heaped on me. As you correctly said it can and did in fact go both ways. I was not the instigator but the retaliator. Fortunately it did stop her. If she had gone further into the "illegal" domain it could have been very tricky.

 

 

 

I think you are missing the point. This OW and your D-day would have never occurred if your husband kept faithful in the marriage. She would not have been in your existence.

[lookingforclosure]

It's only (currently) unlawful in Hawaii, Illinois, North Carolina, Mississippi, New Mexico, South Dakota, and Utah. I'm not sure how common these cases are, but I suspect they're the least common in Hawaii and Illinois. Probably really popular in the south.

 

Extremely popular in the South

[goodgirlgonebad15]

I think you are missing the point. This OW and your D-day would have never occurred if your husband kept faithful in the marriage. She would not have been in your existence.

 

This is very true but this is just another thought process OW use to relieve themselves of responsibility.

[AnotherSadSong]

This is very true but this is just another thought process OW use to relieve themselves of responsibility.

 

 

No it is factual. It does not relieve any responsibility. It is fact.

[GorillaTheater]

No it is factual. It does not relieve any responsibility. It is fact.

 

I'd like to think there's enough blame for poor ethical decisions for both.

[dreamingoftigers]

The OW is the interloper, the stranger, the scarlet women, the sexy siren/whore/slut that changed the WH from a loving father and devoted husband into a cheater and lured him away.

 

He is lovely, the man of dreams, so kind and wonderful - he would have never done anything to hurt his wife and family - SHE interfered in the marriage, SHE got her claws into him and ruined everything.

 

 

I have found that OW suffers upfront. MM suffers long-term as things slowly fall apart because his wife sees what he really is.

 

Often MM pays more in the end.

[AnotherSadSong]

I'd like to think there's enough blame for poor ethical decisions for both.

 

Blame has nothing to do with this fact. A bank robber would not be sitting in jail if he made the decision not to enter a bank, hold a gun up, and rob the place.

[GorillaTheater]

Blame has nothing to do with this fact. A bank robber would not be sitting in jail if he made the decision not to enter a bank, hold a gun up, and rob the place.

 

 

You're going to have to help me understand how these two sentences are remotely connected, and how the second sentence refutes my point.

[AnotherSadSong]

 

You're going to have to help me understand how these two sentences are remotely connected, and how the second sentence refutes my point.

 

I am stating it as fact. Had he not stepped out on his wife there would be no 'situation,' as MM like to refer to it as. That is factual.

[GorillaTheater]

I am stating it as fact. Had he not stepped out on his wife there would be no 'situation,' as MM like to refer to it as. That is factual.

 

Sure, and I wasn't arguing otherwise. It's just as true that the OW made the decision to likewise enter into a relationship with a MM, and without that decision there was no opportunity for the MM to step out in the first place. Hence the argument that the "situation" was a joint enterprise of poor decision-making.

[AnotherSadSong]

Sure, and I wasn't arguing otherwise. It's just as true that the OW made the decision to likewise enter into a relationship with a MM, and without that decision there was no opportunity for the MM to step out in the first place. Hence the argument that the "situation" was a joint enterprise of poor decision-making.

 

That defies the initial fact. It would be saying as long as there were no banks established in this country, a bank robber would be stifled. The initial fact remains iron clad. The rest, the manipulation and the lies is an after fact.

[autumnnight]

If I was ever an OW, I would completely understand a BW being angry angry angry at me. I'd understand a scathing email and a ranting phone call.

 

But, if she stepped one toe into legally murky water or breathed in the direction of my kids/family (including threatening the livelihood with which I care for them).....

 

I'd pull out every legal, civil, and public stop I could. I might not win, but you do NOT come near my family, even under the guise of "nobility."

 

And the idea that a suicide is not a real tragedy cause "well, someone shouldn't have started that train" is just disgusting.

 

Sometimes the BS becomes just as subhuman as they think the WS/AP are

[GorillaTheater]

That defies the initial fact. It would be saying as long as there were no banks established in this country, a bank robber would be stifled. The initial fact remains iron clad. The rest, the manipulation and the lies is an after fact.

 

An OW would have to contort herself pretty rigorously to palm off all of the responsibility for the affair on the MM on that basis. Couldn't be too comfortable.

 

Would it really be that tough to accept a share of the responsibility?

[AnotherSadSong]

An OW would have to contort herself pretty rigorously to palm off all of the responsibility for the affair on the MM on that basis. Couldn't be too comfortable.

 

Would it really be that tough to accept a share of the responsibility?

 

The OW has some shares in responsibility, but it does not change the fact that had the man remained faithful to his vows and not stepped out of the marriage he would not have had a situation. I personally think they should go get their nasty nuts off with a street hooker that is more their equal. But they want to drain all the goods out of another and a street hooker does not have those goods to offer. What fun would that be to the users?

[GorillaTheater]

I personally think they should go get their nasty nuts off with a street hooker that is more their equal. But they want to drain all the goods out of another and a street hooker does not have those goods to offer. What fun would that be to the users?

 

I think we more-or-less agree, except maybe with respect to causation.

 

But damn, I sure do lose the thread with some of your analogies.

[AnotherSadSong]

I think we more-or-less agree, except maybe with respect to causation.

 

But damn, I sure do lose the thread with some of your analogies.

You sir may be correct, for I am not in the right state of mind at the moment.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Thank you for all your responses. I'm not here to judge being a cheating OW so I appreciate all your sharing.

 

One thing I have been noticing is that the OW seems to be the object of most of the vitriol with MM not suffering public humiliation or loss (as it appears that most of the MM stay with BW). Why do you think that is?

 

What most OW (not so much OM) fail to grasp is that they chose to enter into anothers life (BW) in a negative, destructive, hurtful way.

 

It would be like walking up to some stranger on the bus and taking a sledge hammer to them. That is the only side of themselves (the OW) that they have shown the BW.

 

Where a WH, has shown many facets of himself. There were loving moments, care, concern, laughter, friendship, dinners, gifts, compliments, holidays, vacations...etc. A WH has some level of "deposits" in the relationship that are extremely positive.

 

Going back to the bus....if all one has received is a sledge hammer to the gut...one is going to come back swinging just as hard.

 

Not that hard to understand at all.

 

Men learn this in childhood in how they interact with other males.

[NewLeaf512]

What most OW (not so much OM) fail to grasp is that they chose to enter into anothers life (BW) in a negative, destructive, hurtful way.

 

It would be like walking up to some stranger on the bus and taking a sledge hammer to them. That is the only side of themselves (the OW) that they have shown the BW.

 

Where a WH, has shown many facets of himself. There were loving moments, care, concern, laughter, friendship, dinners, gifts, compliments, holidays, vacations...etc. A WH has some level of "deposits" in the relationship that are extremely positive.

 

Going back to the bus....if all one has received is a sledge hammer to the gut...one is going to come back swinging just as hard.

 

Not that hard to understand at all.

 

Men learn this in childhood in how they interact with other males.

 

 

Thanks for your insights. as you mention, all OW can not be tarred with the same brush. Perhaps some like myself were not aware initially or ever. And occasionally the MM will say untrue things about BW (we are sleeping in separate rooms waiting for the papers to come through was mine)

 

 

I do believe that no MM/MW is seduced if they do not want to be. I cant speak for anyone else, by my exMM chased and pursued and wooed me. If he hadn't caught me, he would have found someone else. Therefore I think actually is the poor BW/BH is getting 2 hits in the guts. One from a stranger and one from someone who is supposed to love them and be committed to them. I'm not sure which is worse. Thanks for your sharing

[sweet_pea]

Thank you for all your responses. I'm not here to judge being a cheating OW so I appreciate all your sharing.

 

One thing I have been noticing is that the OW seems to be the object of most of the vitriol with MM not suffering public humiliation or loss (as it appears that most of the MM stay with BW). Why do you think that is?

 

Keyword being seems. Unless you're still in communication post DDay and have verifiable proof of the consequences the WS faces post affair, you (in general) really have no way of knowing whether the WS gets off scot-free (sp?) or not. It's one of those things where because you don't necessarily see it, you don't think it's happening.

[anika99]

Blame has nothing to do with this fact. A bank robber would not be sitting in jail if he made the decision not to enter a bank, hold a gun up, and rob the place.

 

 

 

The OW is like the bank robber's getaway driver. Didn't actually rob the bank but still participated in the crime.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

Blame has nothing to do with this fact. A bank robber would not be sitting in jail if he made the decision not to enter a bank, hold a gun up, and rob the place.

 

And his accomplice or the guy waiting in the car would be found just as guilty and when two people plan to do something together it's called a conspiracy.

Police won't say one was guilter than the other.

[GorillaTheater]

Posting in stereo.