Kkristine Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) First off, I'm a pretty timid person. I've always been that way. I've put on a lot of weight during our relationship, and that has caused me to never want to leave the house. My boyfriend thinks I'm depressed because of this. We used to go out all the time when we first started dating. My boyfriend is quite the opposite. He needs to socialize with people, go out, and is easily bored at home. We got into a huge fight today because several family members are coming into town today to take his dad out to dinner, and we were invited. I have never met them before, and I told him to go by himself and that I would attend the next family get together. He's furious with me and thinks I'm being selfish. He's tired of never being able to do anything because I don't want to. I hang out with his immediate family every week, so it's not like I never hang out with his family. I also have a very small family of maybe six all together. So, meeting his large immediate family was terrifying, and I still get nervous every now and then when we get together. I get his side of the story. I just don't know how to explain to him that what I am feeling is real. I'm very shy and self-consious about my weight. His family is a Brady Bunch movie. The fight itself isn't really what this is about I guess. Do you think we are just not compatible? I think if I lost weight, I'd be more open to doing things, but I will always be a homebody. Edited July 9, 2015 by Kkristine
empresario Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 There are a couple issues here. 1) Don't be afraid/mad/frustrated at who you are. If you are more of a homebody then embrace that. It's perfectly normal. You both have to find a compromise. That's the way a relationship works. You also need to respect that he loves to be active. Find a way to meet in the middle. Neither of your is wrong. And the more awkward one... 2) You have confidence issues. Do you think that may be the reason you're a homebody, shy, timid, etc? You say it has some to do with it. But be honest...is your unhappiness with yourself the main or only reason? I think this problem should be addressed first. Even if you don't necessarily like the way you look it shouldn't control your life and thoughts. You need more self-esteem than that. Does he like the way you look? What are you doing to proactively feel better about yourself (note that I DIDN'T say 'to look better')? Are you happy with everything in the relationship? I think those are the three major questions you need to answer for yourself and for us to give better advice.
Gaeta Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I've put on a lot of weight during our relationship, and that has caused me to never want to leave the house. My boyfriend thinks I'm depressed because of this. We used to go out all the time when we first started dating. How to lose a boyfriend in 1 step: Change who he fell in love with. What are you going to do about it? What you are doing is cruel. He met you with a certain personality, looks and level of energy now you've thrown all that out of the window and became someone else. The answer is get back in control, get yourself to weight watcher and start moving. The rest will fall into place.
Diezel Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Do the two of you a favor. Break up with him. You two are not compatible.
empresario Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Do the two of you a favor. Break up with him. You two are not compatible. With all due respect, we don't even know enough to blindly state that. At one point they were compatible, and they could get back there. But first she needs to find what the real issue with her self confidence is.
Author Kkristine Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 There are a couple issues here. 1) Don't be afraid/mad/frustrated at who you are. If you are more of a homebody then embrace that. It's perfectly normal. You both have to find a compromise. That's the way a relationship works. You also need to respect that he loves to be active. Find a way to meet in the middle. Neither of your is wrong. And the more awkward one... 2) You have confidence issues. Do you think that may be the reason you're a homebody, shy, timid, etc? You say it has some to do with it. But be honest...is your unhappiness with yourself the main or only reason? I think this problem should be addressed first. Even if you don't necessarily like the way you look it shouldn't control your life and thoughts. You need more self-esteem than that. Does he like the way you look? What are you doing to proactively feel better about yourself (note that I DIDN'T say 'to look better')? Are you happy with everything in the relationship? I think those are the three major questions you need to answer for yourself and for us to give better advice. I definitely have confidence issues. I lost a lot of weight prior to dating him, and that made me see a completely different side of myself that I never knew existed. Once I gained the weight back again, I went back to my shy and timid ways. He has told me that he loves the way I look, and no amount of weight will change that. The problem is, no matter what he says, it doesn't change my confidence, or lack of. I still turn away from intimacy from time to time, and he never sees me without clothes. So, this has caused a lot more fights in the past year than in the entire 3 years we've been together. I've definitely let myself go in the relationship. When he talks of marriage and children, I feel like I'm already married to him as we've lived together for 2 years. Nothing is exciting for me anymore. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not okay with the way I feel.
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Push through your fears & insecurities. Go to dinner with his extended family because it's a special occasion. This is not about never doing something. It's about you failing to put him first in this instance. He wants to show you off. Let him!
Toodaloo Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I definitely have confidence issues. I lost a lot of weight prior to dating him, and that made me see a completely different side of myself that I never knew existed. Once I gained the weight back again, I went back to my shy and timid ways. He has told me that he loves the way I look, and no amount of weight will change that. The problem is, no matter what he says, it doesn't change my confidence, or lack of. I still turn away from intimacy from time to time, and he never sees me without clothes. So, this has caused a lot more fights in the past year than in the entire 3 years we've been together. I've definitely let myself go in the relationship. When he talks of marriage and children, I feel like I'm already married to him as we've lived together for 2 years. Nothing is exciting for me anymore. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not okay with the way I feel. Do you love your boyfriend? Its a simple question. Because he loves you and wants to show you off regardless of your weight. It would mean a great deal to him if you would go and support him and be with him. By going to this meal you are showing him how much you love him. If your weight is the issue then get yourself on a diet, get exercising and get those extra pounds off. Get your confidence back.
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I definitely have confidence issues. I lost a lot of weight prior to dating him, and that made me see a completely different side of myself that I never knew existed. Once I gained the weight back again, I went back to my shy and timid ways. He has told me that he loves the way I look, and no amount of weight will change that. The problem is, no matter what he says, it doesn't change my confidence, or lack of. I still turn away from intimacy from time to time, and he never sees me without clothes. So, this has caused a lot more fights in the past year than in the entire 3 years we've been together. I've definitely let myself go in the relationship. When he talks of marriage and children, I feel like I'm already married to him as we've lived together for 2 years. Nothing is exciting for me anymore. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not okay with the way I feel. You are depressed & unhappy. Try exercising (I need to follow my own advice on this one). Get some therapy. When you go back to being happy, the whole world will look so much different to you
Author Kkristine Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Do you love your boyfriend? Its a simple question. Because he loves you and wants to show you off regardless of your weight. It would mean a great deal to him if you would go and support him and be with him. By going to this meal you are showing him how much you love him. If your weight is the issue then get yourself on a diet, get exercising and get those extra pounds off. Get your confidence back. I do struggle with answering that question. This is my first relationship that I've ever been in, so I always assumed that my feelings are normal. Things slow down, and it just becomes comfortable. This is the first time I've really thought about it, but maybe that's my problem. I just am not in love with him, and maybe never was.
empresario Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I definitely have confidence issues. I lost a lot of weight prior to dating him, and that made me see a completely different side of myself that I never knew existed. Once I gained the weight back again, I went back to my shy and timid ways. He has told me that he loves the way I look, and no amount of weight will change that. The problem is, no matter what he says, it doesn't change my confidence, or lack of. I still turn away from intimacy from time to time, and he never sees me without clothes. So, this has caused a lot more fights in the past year than in the entire 3 years we've been together. I've definitely let myself go in the relationship. When he talks of marriage and children, I feel like I'm already married to him as we've lived together for 2 years. Nothing is exciting for me anymore. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not okay with the way I feel. Thanks for answering. Do you care that you've slipped back into old patterns? No, don't answer that. Answer this: Do you want to change? That will answer everything. If yes, then let's start solving the real issue. That's a place this community can help. If no, then there's nothing to be done. The relationship is how it is. But it shows me you don't care too much about how your future husband feels. He has shown you an area of the relationship where his needs are not being met. If you have no intentions on trying to fix that, then he will be miserable. If he is miserable, you will be miserable. And let me tell you...marriage/kids won't fix that. You have to be HAPPY going into those things because they sure as heck don't fix problems...just cause more.
empresario Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I do struggle with answering that question. This is my first relationship that I've ever been in, so I always assumed that my feelings are normal. Things slow down, and it just becomes comfortable. This is the first time I've really thought about it, but maybe that's my problem. I just am not in love with him, and maybe never was. You should definitely evaluate that. Sometimes in long relationships people change and have different goals. If that happens, sometimes it's better to split even if it's hard to do. However, I would not jump into that lightly. I would WORK ON YOURSELF before making that call. As someone else said, whether you know it or not you are depressed. You are sick. You need to cure yourself and make clear choices, if for any other reason, to give yourself a better relationship next time. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 If you aren't in love with him, end this. It's not fair to him. I suspect that you can't love period right now because you are too unhappy inside your own skin. Fix that. 1
Author Kkristine Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 You should definitely evaluate that. Sometimes in long relationships people change and have different goals. If that happens, sometimes it's better to split even if it's hard to do. However, I would not jump into that lightly. I would WORK ON YOURSELF before making that call. As someone else said, whether you know it or not you are depressed. You are sick. You need to cure yourself and make clear choices, if for any other reason, to give yourself a better relationship next time. Thank you all so much for your input! I think once I start actively making changes to better myself, I will better understand if it is the relationship that is causing me grief or if it's just myself that needed some fixing. I feel like this is the most progress I've made in a long time. 1
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