vagabond Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Well, I posted this entire story in Coping, but I guess it was too long, and perhaps too odd-seeming, for most people to wade through. So, here is what I feel is the crux of the matter, and I'd very much like to hear others' responses and opinions: I am trying to get over a guy -- a lover for a short time, never a boyfriend. We hooked up, the first time, before I found out that his girlfriend of three years had dumped him *that* day. We became friendly acquaintances, part of the same circle of friends, in real life and online. I was massively infatuated, and I know he knew it, but I was sure nothing would happen because of his situation. He pursued intimacy with me through email and then set me up on an IM program, after which we IM'ed almost every night. Thereafter followed what can only be described as a series of "booty IMs". We'd "talk" (often about how he was coping with the break-up), then we'd flirt, he'd ask to come over, we'd have sex. On a couple of occasions, he drove me home from his apartment, where I hung out with him and our other friends, then he'd ask to come in. I never said, "No" to him -- I was completely obsessed and in thrall to him. (If this sounds pathetic -- well, that's why I supplied so much context in my first post -- to try to explain why I was so vulnerable at that time). This guy seemed extremely invested in seeing himself as a good guy, a monogamous guy, the opposite of a player. When I told him that I knew the score, that he obviously only wanted me for sex, that I was the rebound woman, that his ego had taken a blow and he needed to know he was desirable, that I was willing to fill that role, he said, no, no, no. He said he was incapable of that, he had feelings for me or he wouldn't be with me, he could see us together "somewhere down the road" or he wouldn't be with me, but he was confused and hurting. My question is: did he do anything wrong? Do I have any right to have expected an apology? Do I have any right to feel bitter and resentful about being used and mis-led? Obviously, I know that I was a consenting adult, and I could have said "no", but is he culpable in some way, too? Why do I insist on seeing this as matter of "right and wrong"? I have no idea. Perhaps I have an overdeveloped sense of justice.
BrotherAaron Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 did he do anything wrong? Yes Do I have any right to feel bitter and resentful about being used and mis-led? Yes Do I have any right to have expected an apology? No He mislead you, used you... don't hold your breath for him to apologize. If he does, it will probably only be because he thinks that, afterwards, he'll be able to string you along for a while longer. Just cut him off now, and leave no room for apologies.
Merin Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Well... Yeah in so many ways he did mislead you.. but in some ways I think you wanted to be mislead. Don't get me wrong I don't meant that in a bad way.. I'm just saying that it seemed you pretty much knew already what he wasn't willing to admitt. You knew he had just got out of a 3 year relationship and had baggage, you knew he was rebounding to salvage a damaged ego and you knew the 2 of you weren't in an "exclusive relationship" at that point... although he did say he could see it maybe sometime down the road.. but he didn't make that an option right then. From what I can understand it sounds like you were/are pretty crazy about this Guy and it's very easy to hear what we want to hear when it comes to affairs of the heart... I think he DID give you hope of a relationship (exclusive) developing in what he said to you, and that was wrong of him to give you hope if he didn't mean it or didn't really know where things might be going.. or worse did know where they were going and knew it wasn't the direction you wanted so said what he thought you wanted to hear for his own gain. Does he owe you an apology... yeah it would be decent of him to apologize... will you get one... My guess, probably not. Sorry...
lindya Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 "Rights" are funny things. Nature doesn't give us any rights. We win them - or we benefit from the fact that other people won them for us. Do you want to have to fight for an apology from this guy? Probably not. Are you wrong to want/expect one from him? No, of course you're not. You might well feel that he took advantage of you when you were vulnerable, and you could very well be right. On the other hand, it's not very wise to press that point home too much in an effort to get some sort of apology out of him. He's more likely to just start boasting that he's "a bit of a bastard". He's also likely to start viewing you as a victim. Worse than that, you might start to see yourself as a victim, which is hardly an empowering way for anyone to think.
morrigan Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Vagabond, you need to take what happened with this guy as a learning experience. We've all had them. You both were wanting different things from the other. He's on the rebound and basically wants to enjoy sex and feel desired; you had feelings for him and were interested in a further relationship. You met things on his terms--yes, he was an a$$ for not being honest about not wanting to be in a relationship at this point. But his recent breakup should have been a red flag--he's worried about his own feelings at this point, not someone else's. I wouldn't expect him to act like he did, however, and then be sincerely apologetic about it. If you really want a relationship with a certain guy--not just great sex--make it clear that's what you want, and that you're not available for his IM or late night visits. The best thing to do is to make it clear that the sexual relationship is over, ignore any further contacts, and go out and meet other guys who won't play games.
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