Zzyxx Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I'm now in my late 20's and date mainly women my age and who are usually in their early 30's. I kept hoping as I got older honesty and open communication would become more of a pattern, but I'm still usually dealing with women that can't be honest about expressing their disinterest or ending things in a straight forward manner. I get that I was only dating this latest one for 4 months, but she kept going on and on about how honesty and open communication were so important, and then boom the ghosty slow fade we all know so well. I know four months wasn't a lot, so I'm not devastated or anything, but can't I at least get broken up with in a straight forward manner? Does this get any easier?
jen1447 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Unfortunately dishonesty never really goes out of style in any age group. I've known 50 year olds who were just as juvenile about dishonesty as 15 year olds. 1
toml Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I'm now in my late 20's and date mainly women my age and who are usually in their early 30's. I kept hoping as I got older honesty and open communication would become more of a pattern, but I'm still usually dealing with women that can't be honest about expressing their disinterest or ending things in a straight forward manner. I get that I was only dating this latest one for 4 months, but she kept going on and on about how honesty and open communication were so important, and then boom the ghosty slow fade we all know so well. I know four months wasn't a lot, so I'm not devastated or anything, but can't I at least get broken up with in a straight forward manner? Does this get any easier? Its not about being juvenile its that she wasnt intonyou that much. If a girl is into you she wont do that. Simple
Redhead14 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I'm now in my late 20's and date mainly women my age and who are usually in their early 30's. I kept hoping as I got older honesty and open communication would become more of a pattern, but I'm still usually dealing with women that can't be honest about expressing their disinterest or ending things in a straight forward manner. I get that I was only dating this latest one for 4 months, but she kept going on and on about how honesty and open communication were so important, and then boom the ghosty slow fade we all know so well. I know four months wasn't a lot, so I'm not devastated or anything, but can't I at least get broken up with in a straight forward manner? Does this get any easier? I personally think that this phenomenon is the result of the breakdown in family structure. Over the years, the "family" model has broken down because parents are overloaded, overworked and running kids to various activities (and several going at a time) and not "sitting down for dinner" like the old days. Communication has broken down. Communication skills aren't being "taught" well anymore. The family unit is disjointed. This all funnels down to having children who becomes adults who are somewhat dysfunctional on that level and some other levels as well, which funnels down to their kids, etc, etc. The bottomline, is when we come across dating partners who do this, we just need to reflect on the fact that they can't communicate, so why would we want to keep pursing them anyway? We are seeing more and more of this recently.
Redhead14 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I'd also like to add that this site is saturated by posts from people who are attempting to date and for a relationship and coming here with issues and concerns that are rooted in the fact that one or both of the parties involved do not have good communication or conflict resolution skills.
roxanne101 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I think people find it easier to disappear than to tell you they're not interested. It's a cop out. It happens. It happens so often that people probably just see it as the norm so they do it after having it done to them. I think after 4 months something should have been said. But apparently she didn't feel the same.
TheBathWater Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I personally think that this phenomenon is the result of the breakdown in family structure. Over the years, the "family" model has broken down because parents are overloaded, overworked and running kids to various activities (and several going at a time) and not "sitting down for dinner" like the old days. Communication has broken down. Communication skills aren't being "taught" well anymore. The family unit is disjointed. This all funnels down to having children who becomes adults who are somewhat dysfunctional on that level and some other levels as well, which funnels down to their kids, etc, etc. The bottomline, is when we come across dating partners who do this, we just need to reflect on the fact that they can't communicate, so why would we want to keep pursing them anyway? We are seeing more and more of this recently. I agree with this, except I don't feel that adopting a blase attitude in response to people who can't communicate (e.g. the slow fade) is better for us as daters, culturally speaking. We need people who care more, not less. I wish more people held each other accountable somehow, that there was more promotion around communication skills and etiquette, and that texting would go to hell and never come back.
Redhead14 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) I agree with this, except I don't feel that adopting a blase attitude in response to people who can't communicate (e.g. the slow fade) is better for us as daters, culturally speaking. We need people who care more, not less. I wish more people held each other accountable somehow, that there was more promotion around communication skills and etiquette, and that texting would go to hell and never come back. We need people who care more, not less. -- Exactly, if they fade, they don't care and we don't need them. I wish more people held each other accountable somehow, -- This something we have no control over. There no point in thinking this way. The fact is they don't hold themselves accountable for their actions. You could track them down and tell them "you can't do this to me!". They are thinking, "I just did, get over it". Holding someone accountable and them accepting accountability are two different things. And, ok, you do pin them down and make them do it right . . . they say "I'm sorry I did it this way, but I'm still breaking up with you . . . " No matter how they do it the message is the same. We want them to say it because we can't accept the message otherwise. However, if you make them say it, you don't really get closure, you actually get to be hurt twice over the same thing. I seriously doubt that if someone knew that a person was fading and didn't want to be with them, then went and made them say it, that they walk away feeling relieved and that a weight has been lifted. They don't. There is no satisfaction either way. Even if they get an apology, it's insincere. It's a no win situation. Not only that, when you chase after them and pin them down, you become one of the crazy exs Bottomline, some people either just don't get it or they do and they don't care. Edited July 10, 2015 by Redhead14
TheBathWater Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 We need people who care more, not less. -- Exactly, if they fade, they don't care and we don't need them. I wish more people held each other accountable somehow, -- This something we have no control over. There no point in thinking this way. The fact is they don't hold themselves accountable for their actions. You could track them down and tell them "you can't do this to me!". They are thinking, "I just did, get over it". Holding someone accountable and them accepting accountability are two different things. And, ok, you do pin them down and make them do it right . . . they say "I'm sorry I did it this way, but I'm still breaking up with you . . . " No matter how they do it the message is the same. We want them to say it because we can't accept the message otherwise. However, if you make them say it, you don't really get closure, you actually get to be hurt twice over the same thing. I seriously doubt that if someone knew that a person was fading and didn't want to be with them, then went and made them say it, that they walk away feeling relieved and that a weight has been lifted. They don't. There is no satisfaction either way. Even if they get an apology, it's insincere. It's a no win situation. Not only that, when you chase after them and pin them down, you become one of the crazy exs Bottomline, some people either just don't get it or they do and they don't care. I think we're framing the situation from different places. It sounds like you're thinking about it from a point of what the person fading out means to you personally. What I'm describing is a more global and cultural way of thinking - it's not about trying to keep the person in your life, it's trying to edify the dating pool. Maybe we just have different social values, and that's fine.
Redhead14 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I think we're framing the situation from different places. It sounds like you're thinking about it from a point of what the person fading out means to you personally. What I'm describing is a more global and cultural way of thinking - it's not about trying to keep the person in your life, it's trying to edify the dating pool. Maybe we just have different social values, and that's fine. I'm not challenging your social values. I'm sorry that I gave you that impression It doesn't matter what the global and cultural way of thinking is -- We as individuals cant edify the global or cultural way of thinking. We can only deal with what is on our plates.
kendahke Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) I think people find it easier to disappear than to tell you they're not interested. It's a cop out. It happens. It happens so often that people probably just see it as the norm so they do it after having it done to them. I think after 4 months something should have been said. But apparently she didn't feel the same. a lot of times, people don't want to deal with the reaction of someone--not all people are cool when you tell them "hey, you're a nice person, but I'm not really interested in anything more..." The response to that can run the gammut of "ok, that's cool, take care" to "why? what's wrong with me? Why don't you like me? What did I do? Can't we try again? Please please please?" to "You %$-ing %$&%$!!! I hope you die!! I'm going to hunt you down and kill your children!!!" Not everyone handles rejection well and perhaps a bad experience is why some people choose to just fade away. I'm finding myself in this boat right now. I met someone for a first meeting on Wednesday and while the guy was aiight, he's not my cup of tea in a lot of areas. Doesn't mean he's not some other woman's cup of tea. He did something that really unnerved me and I'm turned off to the idea of him now. I have to figure out how to tell him that I'm not interested and I don't know what kind of reaction I'm going to get out of him. So it's interesting to read this thread to see everyone's input on this. Thanks OP for posting this topic. Edited July 10, 2015 by kendahke 1
Gaeta Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I get that I was only dating this latest one for 4 months, but she kept going on and on about how honesty and open communication were so important, and then boom the ghosty slow fade Who are you kidding with 4 months isn't that much? Four months IS a big deal ! We're not talking about fading away after a 3rd date, we're talking about an established relationship here. You don't let someone fade away after 4 months without asking them to explain themselves. That being said it shows what a poor character she had. It's weak and self-serving. You bet I would let her know what I think of her lack of spine. 2
Peachland Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 It's not a big deal for someone to fade away after a couple of dates but if you've gone out several times, been intimate, etc. It's a whole other story. I've had someone do this to me after dating for 6 weeks. He started to fade and then disappeared completely within a week period. I told him what I thought of his disappearing act because I found it so disrespectful. I've never had it happen to me before. I couldn't imagine doing that to someone. Who's knows if he learned anything from my feedback but I felt better about myself. I couldn't let him get away with it. It's ok to not be interested it happens. But it's pretty cruel to disappear without so much as a goodbye. 2
Author Zzyxx Posted July 11, 2015 Author Posted July 11, 2015 We need people who care more, not less. -- Exactly, if they fade, they don't care and we don't need them. No matter how they do it the message is the same. We want them to say it because we can't accept the message otherwise. However, if you make them say it, you don't really get closure, you actually get to be hurt twice over the same thing. I seriously doubt that if someone knew that a person was fading and didn't want to be with them, then went and made them say it, that they walk away feeling relieved and that a weight has been lifted. They don't. There is no satisfaction either way. Even if they get an apology, it's insincere. It's a no win situation. Not only that, when you chase after them and pin them down, you become one of the crazy exs Bottomline, some people either just don't get it or they do and they don't care. I don't know, cause for me, I am totally fine when someone is upfront and says, "hey just not feeling it" cause I do get a sense of relief knowing that ok, it's over and done, so long, farewall. The slow fade thing just really bothers me cause it takes that much time to figure out it's happening, then more time thinking, "is there any last ditch thing I can do to bring it back from the brink?" and then finally "ok yeah, this is definitely what's going on." Like you said in your earlier post I think it just boils down to cowardice and poor communication, but I wish it wasn't so.
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