confusedmandi Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 So I've been seeing this guy for just a few months. He has already told me he loves me. We are both in our mid thirties. I've met his kids, his family, we hang out a lot etc. His most recent ex and he broke up three months before we met. I didn't know much about her til some things he told me recently. I don't really care who someone dates before me. that is the past. Well about a week ago she texted him and told him some girl was contacting her asking questions about their past relationship. He told me about this and showed me the texts. I didn't care. Well two days ago we were having dinner (that I cooked) and she texts him again. This time the text (he showed it to me as soon as he read it) says "your girlfriend is saying horrible things about me. SHe is so immature!! I don't know why my name is even being brought up you tell her to keep my name out of her mouth. SHe is terrible person!" I was kind of shocked by this because I know nothing about this woman (she is almost 40) and I am generally a nice person. I might have a few bad things to say about my ex husband but I don't talk negatively about anyone else and certainly not about someone I've never met. I didn't break up their relationship, there should be no animosity between the two of us. It makes no sense whatsoever that I would talk bad about her and I didn't do it. The guy I'm seeing told her that he's sure I didn't say anything. I said ask her what I sup said. So he text her and asked what was said. She responded "I'm so done with this drama. I'm not saying another word. I was just trying to be nice and warn you the other day about that girl contacting me but I'm done being nice if this is what it gets me" She then refused to say what I supposedly said. So I kind of felt bad (I'm a nice person at heart) and I sent her a message saying I can assure her I didn't say anything about her, I don't know anything about her and I'm sorry if someone implied I didn't like her. I wasn't condescending, I wasn't rude, I was very nice and just wanted to reach out to her to clear things up. She sent me a brief message "you are a ****ing bitch" and then blocked my number. Um, not the response one would get from a rational adult. I'm now thinking that this ex is trying to cause trouble between me and the guy I'm seeing. I think she is making up the whole story about how she heard I was saying bad things about her. She can't even elaborate on what these things are. What does anyone think the proper thing for the guy I'm seeing to do about this ex is?
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Why did you reach out to her? If you know you are not talking about her but she was accusing you by telling your BF, what in that behavior indicated that she was a sane rational adult? Ignore her. If your BF does not ignore her you need to ignore him & let her have him because he's not worth having. 3
DivorcedDad123 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 The only way to stay out of this drama is to not engage in it yourself. Ever! Completely no contact with her. This is a no-win situtation for you. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Oh boy. Crazy ex's. So much fun. Stop petting the drama llama. Both of you need to block this nitwit. 2
kendahke Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) Well about a week ago she texted him and told him some girl was contacting her asking questions about their past relationship. "your girlfriend is saying horrible things about me. SHe is so immature!! I don't know why my name is even being brought up you tell her to keep my name out of her mouth. SHe is terrible person!" She responded "I'm so done with this drama. I'm not saying another word. I was just trying to be nice and warn you the other day about that girl contacting me but I'm done being nice if this is what it gets me" She then refused to say what I supposedly said. I'm not getting why everyone is assuming it's you that contacted her and not someone that some guy she's seeing used to deal with? The fact that she can't say what you supposedly did is enough for me to know that she wasn't talking about you. So I kind of felt bad (I'm a nice person at heart) and I sent her a message saying I can assure her I didn't say anything about her, I don't know anything about her and I'm sorry if someone implied I didn't like her. I wasn't condescending, I wasn't rude, I was very nice and just wanted to reach out to her to clear things up. She sent me a brief message "you are a ****ing bitch" and then blocked my number. I'd have left that alone. You didn't need to reach out to her if you didn't do/say anything. You're almost admitting guilt by apologizing for something you didn't do and your boyfriend knows you didn't do. Um, not the response one would get from a rational adult. I'm now thinking that this ex is trying to cause trouble between me and the guy I'm seeing. I think she is making up the whole story about how she heard I was saying bad things about her. She can't even elaborate on what these things are. What does anyone think the proper thing for the guy I'm seeing to do about this ex is? Ignore and block her. If they're done, then the only thing they need to talk about is that which concerns the children. That's it. If she doesn't stop, then he needs to get it straight with her that their relationship is over, he's there for his children and he's not going to participate in her BS. She will run your relationship until you both stop participating in her drama. Edited July 9, 2015 by kendahke
Versacehottie Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I'm now thinking that this ex is trying to cause trouble between me and the guy I'm seeing. I think she is making up the whole story about how she heard I was saying bad things about her. She can't even elaborate on what these things are. What does anyone think the proper thing for the guy I'm seeing to do about this ex is? Um, yeah. Having dealt with manipulative people before, this is a common one. They will blatantly make stuff up to plant seed of doubt, in this case with your bf. There ARE two other possibilities. She has got you mixed up with someone else that he has dated recently (perhaps the timeframe is cloudy or a bit overlapping or by time she has gotten this gossip, that other gf is gone and you are the gf). OR he is dating someone else as well as you (i don't really believe this because they why would he blow up his game by showing you what the ex said but it is possible). You just need to disengage from the drama. Make it clear to him that you didn't do or say anything and that he needs to believe you. Assuming since she's his ex, he knows what kinds of stunts she pulls (or at least drama she creates). If she is a manipulator, I don't think this is over yet--she will come back with more. There are more important things than being a nice person. This instance is one of them. Your integrity is being questioned and she is trying to disrupt your relationship. BE FIRM and don't allow it. Depending on how he handles it going forward, it would impact whether or not I wanted to be with him too so evaluate that. Some people like the drama, are still tied to the ex or like the feeling that two girls are fighting over him. Anyway, at a certain point if he doesn't believe you and block her, there wouldn't be much point in staying with him. Good luck
empresario Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Not your circus, not your monkeys. The only plausible story I can see...is he mentioned some stuff to her that got her pissed at you. I know, I know, doesn't seem likely. But pretend for a moment he did...and you were seeing the result of that. You only see his side of it. Otherwise, just ignore her. Sometimes it takes a while for people to move on.
Author confusedmandi Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Yeah I realize now that I shouldn't have said anything to her. I guess I just wanted to clear my name. I didn't apologize for saying anything because 100% I did not. I've never even mentioned her to the guy I'm seeing! I didn't even know her name til I saw it on his phone when he showed me the text. I thought since she is even older than me that she would act like an adult and not a bratty teenager and say oh ok glad we cleared that up thanks. or something along those lines. I don't think the guy I'm seeing said anything to her because the text started out something like I thought you should know... if he was the one to make up stuff and tell her I doubt she would say that. He has not dated anyone at all between her and me. They don't have kids together so no reason to talk to each other. I don't have a problem in general with people talking to their exes but not big on exes who start drama. There is no doubt he believes me. He never even questioned it. He said he may believe it (with anyone not specifically me) if the two of us had some beef. For example if I had broken up their relationship, if she had done something like trying to win him back while he's with me, if there had been some kind of reason for conflict between us. But he said it makes NO sense at all and he believes me. He thinks some third party told her that I said bad things about her and that the third party is to blame. The problem is I don't think there is any third party here. I think it is his ex being manipulative and trying to start trouble. If it were a third party she would have responded at least politely to my reaching out to her. Because she responded so immaturely (what she called me ironically) and so violently I think she made it up. I wish I could make this guy see that! lol. I know he's not interested in her and she didn't start contacting him until he found out he was seeing me. So its pretty much in agreement that he should block her from contacting him?
Versacehottie Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 So its pretty much in agreement that he should block her from contacting him? Yes, if not formally block then not accept or return her contact. I knew that you meant his kids were not from her so there is no reason for them to stay in touch. I'm not big on ultimatums or telling bf's they can't talk to ex's but can't see why he would want to talk to someone that is trying to destroy his relationship. p.s. even if you had been talking sh*t about the ex, who the F cares? (I know you didn't) but would this be ground-breaking, need-to-know news??!! Who the F made her the information police? People break up and there are usually discussions and yes gossip surrounding it. Even if things got misconstrued through 3rd parties, he doesn't owe her anything. Not even an open ear so she can feed him nuggets about his new gf for his own "protection". If you're really that bad, he will find out soon enough. She's desperately scrambling obviously.
jen1447 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 So its pretty much in agreement that he should block her from contacting him? Yeah. I don't know if he has to drama-block, but just ignore every form of communication from her, as in don't read/hear it at all. When you take away her voice, you'll take away all her power.
Gary S Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 People with stalker ex's can be a dealbreaker. (we just had a thread about this the other day, it's a very common occurrence, unfortunately).
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