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Necessary qualities and deal breakers in relationships....what are they to you?

Sweets1919

By Sweets1919
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Sweets1919 Established Member

Sweets1919

Posted
Posted

As some of you have read over the past week, I have slowly but surely become single in the last few days. Today is easier than yesterday and I know it will continue to improve. I know I've been through this before and I was even trying to remember all the times with my previous ex (we dated 1998-2001 off and on)....and the funny thing was I can't really remember A LOT....just the general feeling of "i wasted too much time but learned a lot of lessons...he was not the one for me". So I know that in time this past week and past 8 months will be "oh that's when I dated C and he turned into an ass" lol

 

My question is....now that I am heading into the single world again (this time even less tolerant of lies than before), I am wondering what you guys consider to be NECESSARY QUALITIES (NQ)and also the DEAL BREAKERS (DB) in a relationship.

From this past relationship I have learned:

 

N.Q: someone who treats me as a friend by asking about my day and really wanting to get to KNOW me

DB: someone who cheats on me even once

 

 

Hopefully I (and others) can learn about standards to have in a relationship by what we come up with.

HoldOn Established Member

HoldOn

Posted
Posted

When I was single:

 

NQ:

-He must have a career (not just a job),

-college educated,

-Christian (preferrable Catholic, but my bf is Greek Orthodox and that's close enough),

-reliable

-financially responsible.

-Republican :o

 

DB: Lying, cheating, Not showing up, disappearing, drinking blood, being a musician,

Merin Established Member

Merin

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by HoldOn

 

 

DB: drinking blood

 

Wow! Drinking Blood as a deal~breaker... Merin wouldn't have thought to add that to her list... mostly because I didn't think it was common? :confused::laugh:

 

NQ~

 

1) Single.. LOL sad that one would NEED to add this to a list but you'd be suprised.

2) Honest

3) Responsible for himself

4) All good to go that I have Wee Peeps

5) Funny a good sense of humour for me is essential

 

DB~

 

1) Married, Involved with someone who isn't me... LOL uh yeah I'm not down for that.

2) A Liar

3) A cheater

4) Not responsible for anything

5) Cannot accept that I've got Kids

6) Has zero sense of Humour

Oh yeah and 7 he MUST NOT drink blood! :eek::laugh:

HoldOn Established Member

HoldOn

Posted
Posted
MUST NOT drink blood!

 

true story! :o

Merin Established Member

Merin

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by HoldOn

true story! :o

 

Damn for real!?

 

:laugh: Well then yeah it's a good thing to add to the DB list Girl!

JanieQP

JanieQP

Posted
Posted

N.Q:

sane, single, solvent

marriage-experienced

has kids already and doesnt want any more

non-religious

accepts that I work a lot

 

 

 

DB:

doesnt take care of his body

squeamish about sex

talks too much about boring stuff (seriously, one guy text-messaged me about what he'd had for lunch)

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Sweets1919 Established Member

Sweets1919

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks for replying....it's nice to hear that lying is a deal breaker for so many people. My boyfriend was lying to me all last week....and you know not just about how much he liked my cooking (lol),...about what city he was in, who he was with, where he was spending his days/nights.

 

In my heart/head that was unacceptable, and it's good to hear that i shoud not blindly accept his "I lied b/c I didn't want you to get mad".............

ReluctantRomeo Established Member

ReluctantRomeo

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by HoldOn

DB: ...drinking blood, being a musician,

 

What's wrong with being a musician? And why is it bracketted with drinking blood?!? :mad:

Mz. Pixie Established Member

Mz. Pixie

Posted
Posted

Hi Sweets- glad to see you're starting to move on :D

 

NQ-

 

1. Unselfish

2. A sense of humor

3. Faithful

4. Honest

5. Sweet/Caring

6. Doesn't mind that I have children

7. Respectful-has old fashioned values

8. Financially responsible (I'm not saying rich- just knows how to manage his money)

9. Affectionate-cares about my pleasure in the bedroom

10. Makes me a priority.

11. Christian

 

DB-

 

1. Lying

2. Cheating

3. Disrespectfulness-name calling or swearing at me

4. Selfishness

5. Financial dishonesty (lying to me about money if we're married/living together)

6. Using porn instead of making love to me.

7. Not spending time with me

8. Being bothered that I'm a mom and put my kids first

9. Not into oral sex

Mz. Pixie Established Member

Mz. Pixie

Posted
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Oh yeah, as DB's

 

Must not like to drink blood

or watch porn with people eating feces~

morrigan Established Member

morrigan

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by HoldOn

 

drinking blood, being a musician,

 

 

:laugh: I've known two guys with both those traits. One was actually a very sweet person. :)

 

Necessary qualities:

kindness

integrity

even tempered

reserved

has a good relationship with his family

acts like a gentleman (doesn't have to look like one)

shares similar interests in music/books

not interested in marriage/children

 

Deal breakers: cheating, heavy drinking/drug use, abuse, irresponsibility (including finances), continuous lying, overly aggressive or dominant

HoldOn Established Member

HoldOn

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

What's wrong with being a musician? And why is it bracketted with drinking blood?!? :mad:

 

WIth the drinking blood comment, I am just saying I wanted someone normal.

 

And also, I wouldn't date musicians. I want someone stable, not someone hanging out in bars until 4:00 am every night with who knows who. No offense, but it's a decision I made after many long nights crying my eyes out waiting for my ex to come home.

ReluctantRomeo Established Member

ReluctantRomeo

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by HoldOn

I want someone stable, not someone hanging out in bars until 4:00 am every night with who knows who. No offense, but it's a decision I made after many long nights crying my eyes out waiting for my ex to come home.

 

No offense taken - I was just rather amused to find musicians lumped together with people who drink blood.

 

But I'm sorry this happened. You're a great girl, your posts have helped me a lot, and you didn't deserve this.

MassiveAtom Established Member

MassiveAtom

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by HoldOn

WIth the drinking blood comment, I am just saying I wanted someone normal.

 

And also, I wouldn't date musicians. I want someone stable, not someone hanging out in bars until 4:00 am every night with who knows who. No offense, but it's a decision I made after many long nights crying my eyes out waiting for my ex to come home.

 

Requirements,

 

A SENSE OF HUMOR!!!

Non-judgemental

flexible

giving

comely

uninhibited

attractive (to me)

curious of life and the world in general

 

Deal Breakers:

 

Hang-ups about my little ladies

Judgmental behavior

Superiority complexes

breaking dates without rescheduling

Gold-digging

TOO MANY GUY FRIENDS - we all know what that's about :laugh:

bad hygeine!

Militant Feminist perspectives

 

One bad experience shouldn't pollute an entire group of people. That musician comment is unfortunate. Musicians, artists and other creative types can be, and often are wonderful people. Those who dismiss them off hand are missing out. IMO.

Cecelius Established Member

Cecelius

Posted
Posted

Requirements

 

1) Low maintenence

2) Reasonable number/type of relationship with male friends

3) Never cheated

4) Absense of any "confusion" about herself

5) Never speaks/thinks in terms of powerlessness (over herself/emotions)

6) Attractive

7) Not lazy

8) Insanely naughty

 

Deal breakers

 

1) Letting it all hang out

2) Attention seeking

3) Reformed party girls seeking to get hitched

4) Stupid

5) "Brutally honest" (ie, tactless)

6) Shady behavior

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

Posted
Posted

NQ:

- GOOD COMMUNICATOR

- Intelligent

- Confident

- Caring

- Career-minded

- Honest

- Outgoing

- Knows relationships are 100/100

- Doesn't necessarily have to look sexy, but knows how to BE sexy

- Good moral values (goes with the next one)

- Christian

 

DB:

- Arrogance

- Taking me for granted

- Lying

- Cheating

- Self centered-ness

- Atheism

- Unable to balance her time

laRubiaBonita Established Member

laRubiaBonita

Posted
Posted

NQ's

~ Likes my family

~ Wants kids

~ Respects my beliefs and opinions

~ Respectful and tolerant of others

~ Intelligent, smart

~ Sense of humor

~ Approachable

~ Communicates

~ open to new ideas

~ sexually fun and exciting

~ Likes pets

 

 

DB's

~ Physcal violence to me or other objects

~ a screamer.....not the good kind.

~ Athiest

~ pompous arrogance

~ home body

~ over zealous religionatic

~ substance abuser

~ Cheater

~ Lazyness

norcaldivr Member

norcaldivr

Posted
Posted

I've been around musicians for a large portion of my life though not one myself, (I couldn't carry a tune in a bucket). There are some wonderful people in this category but also the share of arrogant self-centered a&&holes.

One of the things a woman must realize about a musician is that in general they will ALWAYS have LOTS of competition. On the male desirability index musicians rate right near the top along with firefighters ;-) At the end of the night the guys in the band will have many ladies practically throwing themselves at them. They don't need to be good looking or be personable. Of course many can resist this and be perfectly stable and monogamous but ther temptation will always be there. If they are on the road for any length of time the problems will be multiplied.

 

On of my exes is with a musician who lives halfway across the country. She sees him about every other month, whenever the band is on tour closeby or SHE buys him a plane ticket. She also said she would never be with a smoker but this guy smokes like a chimney. See what the "guy in a band" mistique can do ? So much for the NQ/DB list. Attraction will throw that list out the window. Years ago I was a reagan republician and a heavy smoker. I was with a green party marathon runner. I'm sure I met few if any of her NQ's and lots of the DB's but there we were. Never underestimate the power of attraction.

 

I hope it's true love as I want the best for her but I get the sneaky suspician she is in for a rough lesson. Is it true love or a west coast booty call when touring in town ?? Time will tell but I can't wait to find out.

Mz. Pixie Established Member

Mz. Pixie

Posted
Posted

COC-

 

I was going to say atheism too! :D

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

COC-

 

I was going to say atheism too! :D

 

You have to go through the book to get to me :)

KissMyTiara Established Member

KissMyTiara

Posted
Posted

Interesting thread...

 

NQ:

- College-educated

- Has a career, not just a job, preferably something professional

- Sense of humor

- Enjoys traveling

- Non-judgmental

- Kind, compassionate

- Loyal

- Spritual (believes in SOME form of higher power)

 

 

DB:

- Insecure

- Poor hygeine

- Not financially responsible

- Convicted of a felony

- Flakey

- Unreliable

- Liar

- Arrogance

- Bigotry/racism, etc.

 

*** PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THIS: I had just this very same conversation with my current roommate about a month ago, and ever since he has been calling me an "elitist b!tch" because of my desire to date someone who is college-educated. Shoot me for wanting to be with someone who comes from a similar background and understands what I have gone through to get where I am...

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by KissMyTiara

Interesting thread...

 

NQ:

- College-educated

- Has a career, not just a job, preferably something professional

- Sense of humor

- Enjoys traveling

- Non-judgmental

- Kind, compassionate

- Loyal

- Spritual (believes in SOME form of higher power)

 

 

DB:

- Insecure

- Poor hygeine

- Not financially responsible

- Convicted of a felony

- Flakey

- Unreliable

- Liar

- Arrogance

- Bigotry/racism, etc.

 

*** PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THIS: I had just this very same conversation with my current roommate about a month ago, and ever since he has been calling me an "elitist b!tch" because of my desire to date someone who is college-educated. Shoot me for wanting to be with someone who comes from a similar background and understands what I have gone through to get where I am...

 

Your first two requirements lead me to believe that you feel someone's professional success would translate into relationship success. For some, that might be true, but I can tell you from first hand experience I have dated women with No Degree and some with PhDs. It had no effect on what kind of relationship we had. Everything else seems OK.

 

As for the deal breakers, being convicted of a felony would definitely tell me a lot about someone's character. I hadn't even though of that.....

KissMyTiara Established Member

KissMyTiara

Posted
Posted

Felony - See, a lot of these preferances simply come from personal experience...what one person might have on their DB list another might not think a thing about. Until I began to practice law, I had never really thought about how a conviction of a felony translated over into character either.

 

CIOC - as for the professional/educated thing - you're wrong about the reasoning behind those "requirements." I don't think that professional success translates into personal success at all...and note, I didn't say "successful professional," just "professional." I work a 9-5 (or it's supposed to be a 9-5!!) as white-collar worker (attorney), and I have found it very, very difficult to relate to someone who doesn't have a similar work/educational background as I do.

 

For example, I dated a writer who got up out of bed whenever he wanted, "worked" whenever he wanted, and didn't have any formal education. I also dated a wonderful tattoo artist, but he had no idea what was going on in the world or what it meant to carry student loans and want to move up in the ranks of a company. These differences created a lot of conflicts....both guys didn't understand where I was coming from, and I didn't understand him. I am not saying being a professional is "better" one way or the other, it's just better for me....just as these two great guys were probably better matched with someone who was also an artist of some sort, more free-spirited.

 

I think going through the college experience, regardless of whether it's a community college or Harvard Law, as opposed to not pursuing higher education has an impact on one's personality, interests, and intellect...and also reflects upon one's values. I think education from a higher institution is extreeeeeeeeemely important. That's not to discount street smarts and learning about life as you go, but it's completely different.

 

And interestingly, it is only the non-college educated people who ever harp on me about this...which I think is a lot more about projecting their own insecurities about their life choices than it is about me really being an elitist.

d'Arthez Established Member

d'Arthez

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by KissMyTiara

*** PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THIS: I had just this very same conversation with my current roommate about a month ago, and ever since he has been calling me an "elitist b!tch" because of my desire to date someone who is college-educated. Shoot me for wanting to be with someone who comes from a similar background and understands what I have gone through to get where I am...

 

It has nothing to do with you, or elitism. You could also say, "(highly) intelligent" + "no artist", and you would look for the same men. But then the artistically inclined would complain. Or those who are not (highly) intelligent. It is just your list of preferences, and they are not unreasonable, given your background KMT.

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by KissMyTiara

Felony - See, a lot of these preferances simply come from personal experience...what one person might have on their DB list another might not think a thing about. Until I began to practice law, I had never really thought about how a conviction of a felony translated over into character either.

 

CIOC - as for the professional/educated thing - you're wrong about the reasoning behind those "requirements." I don't think that professional success translates into personal success at all...and note, I didn't say "successful professional," just "professional." I work a 9-5 (or it's supposed to be a 9-5!!) as white-collar worker (attorney), and I have found it very, very difficult to relate to someone who doesn't have a similar work/educational background as I do.

 

Being an Attorney explains the "Felony" thing as well, haha. I'd have never thought of that. Please don't take this as any insecurity on my part, but I don't have a degree and I own a successful Search Firm. I've dated highly educated women and found them, on the whole, no different than those without anything more than a HS Diploma.

 

I've even dated a few Attorneys. They work too many hours though so it sucks the life right out of a relationship.

 

For example, I dated a writer who got up out of bed whenever he wanted, "worked" whenever he wanted, and didn't have any formal education. I also dated a wonderful tattoo artist, but he had no idea what was going on in the world or what it meant to carry student loans and want to move up in the ranks of a company. These differences created a lot of conflicts....both guys didn't understand where I was coming from, and I didn't understand him. I am not saying being a professional is "better" one way or the other, it's just better for me....just as these two great guys were probably better matched with someone who was also an artist of some sort, more free-spirited.

 

Agreed. Those are extremes though. You need to find someone that works as much as you.

 

I think going through the college experience, regardless of whether it's a community college or Harvard Law, as opposed to not pursuing higher education has an impact on one's personality, interests, and intellect...and also reflects upon one's values. I think education from a higher institution is extreeeeeeeeemely important. That's not to discount street smarts and learning about life as you go, but it's completely different.

 

I've hired successful Executives and VPs who did not have a formal education. Before you say anything about education and intellect, I have a high enough IQ to join MENSA -- without a formal education. Intellect and education are not necessarily synonymous.

 

I will agree that is your preference but feel you are generalizing a bit too much. I think that's why you and I don't see eye to eye on much. Way too many assumptions on your part.

 

And interestingly, it is only the non-college educated people who ever harp on me about this...which I think is a lot more about projecting their own insecurities about their life choices than it is about me really being an elitist.

 

Ah, I knew you would go there. It's not due to their insecurities and much as it's too many assumptions on your part. I don't question someone else's preferences but I do like to point out when they make erroneous generalizations. And of course those without an education are going to say something. You're assuming they're not intelligent. As an Attorney, KMT, doesn't it go against the grain to make generalizations? Aren't you required to stick to facts??

 

Einstein failed HS Math, by the way. But you knew that already ;)

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