The M-word.....overkill? Expecting too much?

[aviva_dawn]

This is what I need some advice on:

 

My BF and I have been together since August of 2003. He is 29 and I'm 21. My BF works one full-time job

(teaching High school), in addition to going to taking a Real-Estate Agent Training Class one evening a week and going to Financial Conventions some weekends. He just purchased a home and is working to make sure that his financial situation is set before he marries and settles down.

 

I am in college full-time, spend a lot of time studying and I just started a part-time job from which I am am saving 75% of my paycheck for the purchase of my first car. I transfer to a University in Fall '06 (I'm at a Community College now.) and I am a Political Science major and want to teach High School as well.

 

I can't imagine being married to anyone other than him. I have mentioned the M-word to him and this is what he says about it:

 

"I have some stuff to take care of before I can make that kind of committment." (This was before he purchased the house, which was his top goal.)

 

"Let's enjoy being together. Don't rush things."

(This was about six weeks ago.)

 

When I asked him about two weeks ago about his goals, he said:

 

"Get my Real-Estate license"

 

when I asked him what he wanted to do after that. he said:

 

"We'll see".

 

He says that he is grateful that I am not clingy and that I don't make him ( and our relationship) the axis on which my world revolves around. I like being independent enough to do what I need to do to make my way in the world. Yet we enjoy having a close and committed relationship. He is a shy and reserved person by nature and prefers to say little. When I ask him something, he is frank and gives a well-thought out response.

 

He lives in the house that he just bought, while I live with my family.(Mom and Brother.) He hasn't mentioned wanting me to move into his house. (I've seen the house several times.) Should I worry about this?

 

He was engaged before to someone, but broke off the engagement when she cheated on him. I am his first lengthy serious relationship since he ended things with his ex-fiancee (that relationship ended over five years ago.) Do you think that he's taking his time because he doesn't wish to be hurt again in that way. ( I seriously think that this is important to him: Ensuring that I won't hurt him by cheating, goldigging or anything of the sort.)

 

 

He has mentioned wanting to get married to someone in the next few years,(he said that two weeks ago) but hasn't mentioned if that person is me or not. Yet, he hasn't said that he had no interest in marrying me.

 

We don't argue or fight, and our relationship is going just fine and we're both satisfied and content with one another. In fact, in early March he said that he wanted our relationship to be exclusive and committed.

 

 

I mentioned the M-word about six weeks or so ago. Would it be overkill to mention it again to see if he is interested in me as a lifelong mate?

 

 

Also, can anyone decode what "We'll see" could mean?

 

I just wanted to bounce my thoughts off of someone who is a neutral party , so don't mind this long post.

 

Thank you.

[Merin]

I don't know what "We'll see" means to your BF...

 

I only know what it means when I say it to my Kids.. it means "No" BUT "I'm saying We'll see to pacify you so you'll stop asking"

 

You've been together for awhile... I guess at this point IMO you need to be more direct with him here in telling him what you want in the relationship.. I'm not advising sweating the Guy over it or nagging him to death about getting married... BUT I am saying you've been together for a few years right.. so yeah I guess I would say "You said We'll see in 2004... so I was hoping for something more orginal and definate for 2005"

 

Communicate what you want

[LucreziaBorgia]

We don't argue or fight, and our relationship is going just fine and we're both satisfied and content with one another.

 

If its working for him just like it is, and he sees that it is working just fine for you this way too, then he may not see any reason to make any changes. He may see absolutely no hurry or reason for marriage right now. What is your reason or hurry for it? Does he know how you feel in that aspect? He knows you want to be married - have you explained exactly why it is you want to be? Some people just need it spelled out in order to be able to see it from another viewpoint and understand it.

 

About "we'll see"...

 

When little Miss B asked me last week if she could go to a very expensive art camp this summer, I said "we'll see" which means "no, but I don't want to come right out and crush your hopes and cause a fuss and I'm hoping you'll forget that you asked me". Does it mean that I don't want her to ever go to art camp? No - its mainly a matter of bad timing, and the money just isn't there for it yet. One day it will be. But for now, it isn't. So, I said "we'll see."

 

I expect its something similar for him, as well. Maybe he knows that down the road he will be married, maybe even to you - but right now it isn't up in the top of his priority list in terms of 'things to plan for'. That's not to say it will never be up there for him - but right now it isn't. Asking him to give you a straight 'yes' or 'no' this early on won't really accomplish anything, because I expect he feels he can't definitively answer that for you right now.

 

He knows how you feel about it, and he knows you want to be married. Saying something like that to a guy is not something that will 'slip his mind' or something he will need to be 'reminded about'. One part of me wants to tell you to sit him down and let him know that you need reassurance that he will marry you one day, but another part of me knows that it is likely to just cause more friction between you or he will at the very least continue to avoid your question.

[noname]

in this case, we'll see probably means "stop asking me. you'll know when the time is right..."

 

he knows what is on your mind, but i'm sure he wants to take things at his own pace. sounds like he wants things to go in a certain order.

 

something seems strange to me though. you have been together since Aug 2003 in some sort of relationship. yet you made a pact to be committed and exclusive in early March. i make no assumptions about other peoples pace. however, it is quite possible that to him (and i admit that this is one of those types of things that mostly only guys believe) your relationship started in early March. there are some that would believe that all that led up to that conversation was merely dating, or getting to know you. so the "M" word might be something that is pretty far off from now. i could be reading this wrong, but if he came to you talking the let's make it exclusive and committed, it means that you guys were not until the deal was sealed. in your case, since you are otherwise happy, and things seem to be going alright on other fronts, i would say leave it alone and let things develop naturally. have patience, you are 21 and you have plenty of time to build a relationship healthily...

[KissMyTiara]

You haven't even been dating 2 years, you're only 21...what's the rush? Honestly, if I were your BF, I would be really, really freaked out that you had brought up the M word on multiple occasions already.

 

Tread lightly.

[KatE7]

Just wanted to say....I'm 20, so is my boyfriend, we starte dating (seriously, from the very beginning) the month after you. He's planning on proposing sometime within the next year, and we're hoping to get married the summer of 2007, after we've been done school and working for a year.

I know all guys react very differently.....I'm lucky that mine (surprisingly!) was just as serious as me from day 1, and did not get spooked at all by talking long-term commitment.

Maybe yours has his own agenda, and just wants it to happen when he feels right, and when it can be a surprise? Have you talked about being together for the long run.....getting married down the road, having kids, etc?

[morrigan]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

what's the rush?

 

It sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with this guy otherwise. He seems like a reserved person who takes his time and accomplishes goals one by one--not someone who is suddenly going to suprise you with anything, let alone a proposal.

 

I can see a guy like this wanting to wait until each of your goals--including his license, financial planning, and your education and career search-- are completed before any big decisions were made. Just don't put your educational/career goals on a back burner in anticipation that this man will want to marry you when you want him to.

 

How long are you willing to wait before you want to honestly know if/when you'll get married?If you don't want to get engaged/married for another year or two, I'd relax and enjoy the relationship, and at that time I would be honest about wanting to get married to him. If he still didn't have plans, yes, you'd be justified in ending the relationship.

[RecordProducer]

He is definitely not ready for the M talk. He seems to take things very slowly. I mean, relationships usually get exclusive after a few months, but in your case it was after a year and a half. That's a bit odd. So it's only been exclusive for like 2 months and he hasn't suggested that you move in together, he hasn't said that he wants to marry YOU precisely, and you want to talk about marriage with him?

Unfortunately you don't have a solid basis for any conversation about lifetime commitment. You're many steps behind. First you need to spend more time in an exclusive relationship. Then you need to try and live together. When things seem obvious and mellow, you will both know the M talk can start.

You haven't even graduated yet. Supposedly you want a career. You don't want to become a mother right after graduation, do you? Just know that men don't like women who emotionally depend on them, which he told you himself.

He also probably thinks that you're too young to decide on such a big commitment right now (hence the comment that he wants to marry someone in the next few years). He practically let you know that you need to prove that you're the one.

He definitely has an emotional baggage from the previous relationship and wants to be more careful this time. He has trust issues and needs to make sure you won't cheat on him too.

You will graduate in a year or two. Before that, you have no reason to think about marriage anyway. First school then a job then marriage. That's how it should go.

There's no point of pressuring him to talk about marriage when he doesn't know yet whether you will be his wife or not.

If you're truly in love and get along well then the marriage will come naturally sooner or later.

You should be able to tell whether he is really in love with you or not in the time that's ahead of you.

[aviva_dawn]

I'm willing to wait and expect to wait for several years to be married to my BF if he has that in mind.

 

I'm not in a hurry, I felt that the next logical step in our relationship was to mention long term....marriage is what I wanted a few years down the road, so I asked him once.(six weeks ago.) That's exactly what I said and he listened to what I had to say. I asked for advice as whether I should mention marriage again. You guys gave me your honest opinion, and I will let the subject lie until he mentions it himself.

 

Some more insight and answers to your questions:

 

The "We'll see" question had nothing to do with proposing/marriage or anything of the sort.

 

My BF could have said "We'll see" because he thought that I was referring to my wanting a proposal. I wasn't referring to that at all when I asked what his next major goal was after he earned his Real Estate License. I simply wanted to know what other major goals he had after that....I honestly thought that he'd say "earn tenure in my teaching position" or "Get started in selling Real Estate part-time". It pleases me that he works so singlemindedly toward a goal, and I wanted to know what some more of his goals were so I can be of encouragement to him if things don't go exactly he plans them to.

 

Whoever said that my BF was not one for suprises, is right on the money!

 

He plans everything and isn't the type to pick up and go normally. The one time that he suprised me was when he gave me a beautiful one volume "Complete Works of William Shakespere" for my birthday. I love to read and he knows that, but I didn't know that he knew that I loved Shakespere because I didn't make it common knowledge. (I do remember that the custom bookplates that are in nearly every book that I own have a quote ("Let every eye negotiate for itself

And trust no agent.") from "Much Ado About Nothing" and I remember him going through my bookcase once, so maybe he figured it out......) When he gave me the book, he said "To be a well-favoured man is the gift of fortune; but to write and read comes by nature." That's how I found that he knows something of Shakespere himself.

 

I'm pretty content as things are going now with our relationship and I'll enjoy it for what it is now

 

A note:

I am a little jealous that all of my friends (My best friend and I are the exception. Her BF is planning to pop the question in October and wants me to help with the execution of the proposal.) are getting engaged and married and having kids. Some of them like to joke about how I'm nowhere close to tying the knot and how being "not-tied down" is a curse. I try to ignore them, but sometimes it gets on my nerves!

However, just because they're at the point of their lives where they are married doesn't mean that I'm to that point yet. Everyone's life follows a distinct road and I'll have to patient to see where that road ends up.

 

I've been getting involved with another activity other than school/study/work to get my mind off of my envy. If a person is occupied with pursuits that interest them, they have less time to dwell on the affairs and heckling of others. Since I never had the opportunity to go to the prom and I've found other girls who didn't either (I was in Independent Study because I was preparing for a professional dance career until I became seriously injured about six months before I met my BF.) we want to form a cotillion society that will put on a Debutante ball next May, before we graduate from the Community College. Getting that together is fun and it is meaningful to all of us.

 

Thank you for your advice and pardon my lengthy post!

[lovesucks]

What if the guy who clearly says that he does not believe in marriage? Would you still continue to date or involve with such a guy if you hope to get married one day? The problem is, I find myself involving with a guy like this already for 4 months. I know it is WAY TOO EARLY to talk about getting married but we sort of discussed on the topic and exchanged viewpoints on marriage and that's how I find out he is against marriage and says he won't get married.

 

Things have been going quite smooth between us. He is a wonderful guy who has many qualities and I enjoy being with him at the moment. But I am afraid I will get tangled into investing too much emotionally for something that is not worth my time.

 

I don't hope to change anyone, particularly not him if he has a different view on such an important point and I don't count on hoping he will change his mind one day. He may never will. Should I get out now of the relationship now? Should I not waste any time on this guy? Or should I hang in there for a little while?