candie13 Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Because sometimes if we dont, we will never find anyone. Sometimes we are willing to sacrifice our standards to achieve at least some sort of happiness (family, relationship) instead of dying alone which can be worse. how the hell would you know, did you die alone yet? Just because we are lowering our standards doesnt mean we are lowering the respect we will show for our partner. Ive always lowered my standards yet have treated all my exes with complete respect and loyalty. The second I decided not to lower them, Ive been single for years and sexless for half that time too. having standards is great, but you need to be inline with them as well. And striving to improve yourself too. just having high standards won't bring anyone a fantastic partner. It should be the same both ways - you're fit, go for fit. You're educated, go for educated, etc. 1
Rejected Rosebud Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 No thanks, I have the luxury of getting to date men who I fall for fairly early on and am wildly attracted to right away. :confused: I dont think it's a LUXURY to be an indiscriminate person who falls wildly for a different guy every week or month, sorry, but that seems to me to be a person who is not likely to recognize or function in a real relationship, srsly. Falling in love is supposed to be SPECIAL.
Rejected Rosebud Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 I'm almost reaching my mid thirties and I'm still single I feel that it is increasingly difficult to find a potential girl that is available, that I am attracted and that reciprocates this attraction. I would like to have a family someday and I came to believe that the probability for this to turn into reality is fading everyday. Would you lower your standards in such situation? What do you mean by "lower your standards" anyway? Like, decide to be with a girl who you are NOT attracted to and who isn't attracted to you either?? :confused: Heck no! If you're talking about crap like "she must have D cup boobs, she must have long blonde hair, I must feel like fainting the first time I see her, she must weigh 105 pounds" well - I wouldn't call it "lowering your standards" but maybe widening your horizons and being open to a wider range of girls and different ways of getting to know them?? 1
Leigh 87 Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 :confused: I dont think it's a LUXURY to be an indiscriminate person who falls wildly for a different guy every week or month, sorry, but that seems to me to be a person who is not likely to recognize or function in a real relationship, srsly. Falling in love is supposed to be SPECIAL. I don't fall wildly often . What I speak of is attraction, in most cases it's merely attraction. Only four times have I ever fallen for a guy. Since age 18. The rest is just the run of the mill chemistry that isn't a companies by real, true feelings. It is easy to feel fleeting sexual chemistry. It's only in retrospect and with age that I realize instant attraction and chemistry are totally unrelated to " feeling something special" I don't feel truly into a guy as often as I have made out. And you don't realize until after the fact, it's all in how I remember them. Some I honestly didn't think about the day after we parted ways ... it's the men who I had something special with that I missed truly separately from the fireworks.
ascendotum Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 Because sometimes if we dont, we will never find anyone. Sometimes we are willing to sacrifice our standards to achieve at least some sort of happiness (family, relationship) instead of dying alone which can be worse. Just because we are lowering our standards doesn't mean we are lowering the respect we will show for our partner. Ive always lowered my standards yet have treated all my exes with complete respect and loyalty. The second I decided not to lower them, Ive been single for years and sexless for half that time too. I knew a few guys that were in the OPs situation and thought the same. Its because they extrapolated the past. They were average joe guys in looks, jobs, personality and lifestyle and because they had struggled a bit with women especially late 20s on, it had eroded their confidence. They were really not the type to hit the clubs or bars and had generally found gfs through social connections or at work and the women were usually their age, so they tended to stick within that age scope, and by the mid 30s the number of single, fit, feminine, no kids, easy going nature women in their 30s with similar interests that crossed their path were getting less & less. They likely wont admit they lowered their standards, but instead will probably say they broadened their perspective on woman and what was going to make them happy. In a few of the cases I think its much more obvious that their women think, they settled. 1
casey.lives Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 no. i will maintain my standard. i want a good person/heart/man.
Brigit_1 Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 If you lower your standards to avoid being alone won't you always be looking over your shoulder for what you really want? 5
No_Go Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 I really liked your quote not to worry for stuff that cannot be changed (age). I also agree with the self improvement part completely. Part of it is getting realistic expectations for potential partner. Which could be read as "lowering standards" or "expanding horizons" but in the end we're talking about the same thing:) He is a man in his 30s. He can easily date women in late 20s. Easily. 30+ is the secret pass, if you want those women to take you seriously. It's not even fair, if a man ages well, he can be way more successful in his late 30s than in his early 30. Shall we talk about stuff that can be fixed? He is 35, not 75 as far as baby making is concerned. Let's also cry about global warming and saving the blue whales, while we're at it... he cannot change his age. So? Whomever he choses, up or down, he'll still be 35. Why would he lower his standards? I'm not saying that starting from scratch at 35 is easy. Indeed, people have their routine and preferences. But that can be immensely enriching. They also know themselves much better which makes them better partners. They have more things to share and to discover - from their own likes to the other person's likes. It's not the "routine" the problem, it's fear and lack of curiosity. In the end, it is what it is. He can go cry in a corner or start making some vodka lemonade with the lemons life has given him. And start a party. Or... starve himself to death and try to live only by eating those lemons. His choice. Someone said that it's not what happens to us that determines if we have a good or a bad life, but our reaction to those events. Loads of stuff cannot be changed. But he can change himself. Read more. Connect more. Go out more. Meet more people. Get more educated. Uncomfortable exercise, but sooo enriching ! It may not bring him Miss Universe, but for sure he'll meet more people, experience more situations and feel much more alive than sitting in a corner and contemplating just how low should his "lowering his standards" exercise go.
LivingDeadGrl Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 No, no and no! I am 33 and have lowered my standards in the past and I've always ended up with a "winner", hence why I am single once again. I have met some great guys lately by not lowering my standards and I am not even ready to date yet. I just know that I will never ever settle again, ever. Don't do it! There is someone out there for everyone, and at 35 you really shouldn't be worried about ending up alone. You're still young!! 1
scooby-philly Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 So....can I beat a dead horse? Maybe offer up an trivial, but important semantic distinction. I was in the seminary till I was 28. Left cause...I really wasn't religious and I didn't want to bar the possibility of marriage. Fast forward. I've dated and was engaged to a woman for two years and it didn't work out. Why? Because I simply said yes to the first person who said yes to me and who i found sexually attractive and her to me. I took some time off, started dating again - ended up with a woman - 12+ dates in, she was either doing something with her ex, just looking for a booty call but couldn't get to that point quick enough (took us like 9 dates), or just felt compelled. I wisely walked away. Last summer ended up doing what was really my first ever - one-night stand sort of thing. We just broke up a week shy of a year - whereas I should have broken up with her two weeks in because she was obviously not all together and very unable to control her emotions - anger chief among them. I mention all this because lots of people have given advice on one side of the aisle or other regarding you lowering your standards. As we get older, it's not about lower your standards, but lowering your expectations and simplifying. Just as there are diamonds worth 25k there's diamonds worth 3k, and diamonds worth 300. If you expect a women in her 30's to not have baggage of some sort, to look perfect, to x,y,z that's unrealistic. The issue is what's most important to you. I've learned my things are: 1. Family oriented, but not too religiou 2. No craziness, 3. Stability - doesn't mean she has to make 100k a year, but she has to be able to cover her own expenses 4. Work ethic - i don't date free loaders, gold-diggers or stay at homes. She has to be able to clean, work side by 5. Simplicity - enjoy the simple things in life, 6. Attraction and Intimacy- We both need to be attracted to each other and compatible sexually. And we become #1 in each other's lives - not looking fo someone who simply needs to fill in the free times in her schedule 7. Communication - express her feelings, tell me what's going on, and plan and when plans go wrong, adapt. That has opened up things - race doesn't bother me. Religion doesn't bother me (again as long as their not "churchy"), income from 35-150k a year. She could even make more than me. I don't care what color her hair is, her eye color, is she a size 3 - fine - size 7 - fine. As long as I'm attracted. Kids? - fine if she's a good mother and there's no crazy drama. Degree - that may be my one sticking point - only because of the need to support herself - but I'd make an exception of the other elements are there. Anyway, I say all this to help you understand - I just turned 34, I want a family, a home, the works. But my life hasn't take the same turns as a "normal" person - but that's okay. I'm not one to worry about being normal. In 4 months, 6 months, a year - whenever I decide to start dating again, of if something presents itself before I decide, I have my standards and I will not lower them. I will continue to adapt my understanding of them and myself and why I have them, but that's not lowering. Everything else is icing on the cake 1
Redhead14 Posted July 14, 2015 Posted July 14, 2015 I'm almost reaching my mid thirties and I'm still single I feel that it is increasingly difficult to find a potential girl that is available, that I am attracted and that reciprocates this attraction. I would like to have a family someday and I came to believe that the probability for this to turn into reality is fading everyday. Would you lower your standards in such situation? If by lowering your standards you mean settling for a relationship that doesn't meet all your needs, hell no! If by lowering your standards you mean settle for a girl that's wishy-washy about you but keeps dating you because she doesn't think she can get anyone else, hell no! If by lowering your standards you mean settle for a girl who doesn't have a job or an education and no direction in life, hell no! If by lowering your standards you mean settle for anything that isn't attractive or appealing to you on some level, hell no! If by lowering your standards you mean settle for any woman who even remotely seems interested in you and/or throws herself at you, hell no! Don't settle for less than what you want and need. It's better to be alone than in something that is unsatisfying. Go out and have a good time and focus on the other things that make you happy. While you're doing that, there may be a woman who is doing the same thing for herself and saying "hey, there's a guy who I would like to date". 1
ZA Dater Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Don't settle for less than what you want and need. It's better to be alone than in something that is unsatisfying. Go out and have a good time and focus on the other things that make you happy. While you're doing that, there may be a woman who is doing the same thing for herself and saying "hey, there's a guy who I would like to date". I think this is sage advice but I think the proviso and the reality is at some point you need to realise that many ladies in their early 30's have been through the wash so to speak when it comes to having bad experiences with guys, I went on quite a few dates with ladies in this age group and without exception there was that underlying tone and to lesser and greater degrees also desperation. Reality is early 30's many want to have kids and a family, if you take statistics in mind, I meet a 30yo, chances are she wants kids by 32-33, I don't really want kids in the next 3 -4 years at the very earliest, again things are bound to fail just on that point of view. Then say I meet a 35yo, logic says a guy like me would be wasting her time. For me, I am 31 and not interested in anyone older than 27 for exactly the reasons stated above. The other thing to consider as other have mentioned is generally speaking the trend seems to be to marry by 30, those that haven't tend to feel that perhaps missed the boat, I have come across a few of those. Standards are very subjective so its sometimes hard to determine if you are lowering them or not UNLESS you have a benchmark. I don't think there is any guy walking this earth who doesn't have a benchmark of sorts.
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