Single in your 30's: Would you lower your standards?

[40 Fonzarelli]

Being a guy in your 30's is like being a girl around 20 in terms of how much dating power you have.

 

It doesn't go down for you, it will go up ... off-course if you believe it will go down, it will in fact go down.

 

Not necessarily. There's a law of diminishing returns. Most men desire women in their 20's at the peak of their beauty. In your 30's they are still in your demographic. Once you hit 40, the age gap becomes an issue. And eventually they become less attainable as you get older.

[GravityMan]

That's fine it's ok if you do that but the OP says he wants a family and is considering lowering his standards. You probably never would consider that. My advice was to him and directed to his specific situation and needs, not everyone's.

 

True, if he wants to start a family (kids), then he may need to pick up the pace a bit, assuming he wants to marry a woman close to his own age or slightly younger. (Also, sperm quality slowly deteriorates as the man ages.)

 

But...

 

He should NOT settle for a mediocre woman with troubling baggage just so he could have a kid or two. That would almost surely end in misery. He would be doing a disservice to his own happiness...and worse, that will likely have a very negative impact on the well-being of his future kids.

 

Besides, I don't think 30-35 is old enough to worry about genetic abnormalities in kids. Tons of women don't have their first kid until their early 30s. While the majority of 30-somethings are in long-term relationships or married, there are still a lot of early/mid 30s women out there who are single, especially in urban areas where people are more white-collar career focused. A decent number of them are attractive and good people, without much bad baggage. Most of them will have had one or more prior relationships, and some will be divorced.

 

Do not lower your standards, OP. Unless your standards are crazy unrealistic to begin with (and if that were true then the person should rethink them, even if he's still in his early 20s).

 

30-35 year old men who are confident, interesting, funny, presentable-looking and have their act together tend to be in pretty damn good demand.

[Arieswoman]

Popsicle,

 

I'm not talking about you, nor am I talking about just getting marred (again). I'm talking about getting married and having a family (kids).

 

OK.

 

I still don't agree with your summation.

 

Nowadays many women are delaying marriage and families because they want to pursue a career first. There are plenty of single women "out there" in their late 20's/ early 30's.

 

Average age of women giving birth now nearly 30 - Telegraph

 

Average age for women to marry hits 30 for first time - Telegraph

[Leigh 87]

Well a few get exactly what they want so maybe you'll be one, but most have to start dating who is available and surprise themselves when they fall for someone they never would have before had they kept their strict standards.

 

No thanks, I have the luxury of getting to date men who I fall for fairly early on and am wildly attracted to right away.

 

If you or others cannot garner much initial attraction and excitement then your options are: fall for someone over time who you were not initialy attracted to romantically OR get to the gym and make yourself attractive enough to garner the initial spark and chemistry.

 

I could never force myself to date a candidate who I had no excitement surrounding. That is a friend.... That is what meeting a new friend should feel like.

 

Unfortunately, not all of us have the capacity to meet someone that we are really into and taken with and we have to grow to like someone romantically, over time even when we initialy felt nothing.

[ZA Dater]

OR get to the gym and make yourself attractive enough to garner the initial spark and chemistry.

 

Ah, the old "go to gym"... Unfortunately gym does nothing for an ugly face.

 

Maybe guys who go to the gym need to walk around with no shirts on, perhaps that way females may find them attractive.

[ascendotum]

Ah, the old "go to gym"... Unfortunately gym does nothing for an ugly face.

 

Maybe guys who go to the gym need to walk around with no shirts on, perhaps that way females may find them attractive.

 

It will definitely help to offset it though. For quite a few women a beefy masculine guy is still a good guy. Just like for quite a few guys a butter face with a trim body will still turn them on. You'll have to put a lot of work in though to get the threshold where you can be considered hot despite your face. Just wear short sleeve muscle t-shirts then

[elaine567]

it's never too late to completely fck up your life - mid 30 are just as good early 20.

 

So true.

F*cking up your life has no age limit.

 

I would not actually lower your standards, but I think you need to do a realistic re-evaluation of your standards.

If you want a home and a family and a stable family life, then you need to be on the lookout for women who want the same and woman who can bring something to your particular party.

Your standards have to be geared around that.

 

Is that lowering standards? I guess it may be for those who feel their "standard" is a hot, partying, fun loving 20 year old and nothing else will do.

BUT that woman's value as a home-maker in the next few years is most likely nil. She meets the "hot" standard, but fails the home-maker standard miserably.

 

Standards weed out those who do not meet the job description.

The trick is truly knowing what the job entails and then choosing the right candidate to fit the job.

[ZA Dater]

It will definitely help to offset it though. For quite a few women a beefy masculine guy is still a good guy. Just like for quite a few guys a butter face with a trim body will still turn them on. You'll have to put a lot of work in though to get the threshold where you can be considered hot despite your face. Just wear short sleeve muscle t-shirts then

 

Oh well guess there ain't much space for the skinny athletic guy then.

 

My sincere advice to the OP is to simply try and meet as many people as possible, with your objective that is possibly the only way you will go about achieving it.

 

Decide what you like, decide what you can actually get and work between those two parameters.

[ZA Dater]

So true.

F*cking up your life has no age limit.

 

I would not actually lower your standards, but I think you need to do a realistic re-evaluation of your standards.

If you want a home and a family and a stable family life, then you need to be on the lookout for women who want the same and woman who can bring something to your particular party.

Your standards have to be geared around that.

 

Is that lowering standards? I guess it may be for those who feel their "standard" is a hot, partying, fun loving 20 year old and nothing else will do.

BUT that woman's value as a home-maker in the next few years is most likely nil. She meets the "hot" standard, but fails the home-maker standard miserably.

 

Standards weed out those who do not meet the job description.

The trick is truly knowing what the job entails and then choosing the right candidate to fit the job.

 

This post made me smile. Why, simply because I have spent years and years trying NOT to find the party girl, party girls are as common as well anything common.

 

The problem one faces is one of balance, typically the ones who want something long term are extremely specific or extremely desperate for a range of usually physical, sometimes emotional reasons.

 

By my own admission my foray into attempting to find this balance has been a total failure but again OP if you find the right balance and when you meet that person it will feel right, perhaps the glue that really binds people has 50% physical attraction and 50% intellectual attraction, yes the scale can slide, mine is more 40/60.

 

Personally I don't think one should ever compromise on the fundamentals in the hope of attracting someone.

[elaine567]

Oh well guess there ain't much space for the skinny athletic guy then.

 

Develop an obsession for pizza, fries, cheesecake and icecream.

 

OR try this maybe.

How To Bulk Up Fast - Without Getting Fat! - Bodybuilding.com

[Rko28]

lower your standards? not a chance, why would you even think about that?

 

I have a friend whos getting married this year, has a child with this girl and been with her for 10 years. Yes he loves her but not in the way he should, he lowered his standards to get with her, he admittedly has never had the thrill of seeing her, doesnt miss her, doesnt find her that attractive and generally isnt happy with her.

 

Personally id rather be single continuing to look for someone that I think is on my level which gives me these sparks than in stuck in a relationship like that.

[elaine567]

I have a friend whos getting married this year, has a child with this girl and been with her for 10 years. Yes he loves her but not in the way he should, he lowered his standards to get with her, he admittedly has never had the thrill of seeing her, doesnt miss her, doesnt find her that attractive and generally isnt happy with her.

 

 

Why on earth is he marrying her?

I guess his options are limited.

[Rko28]

Why on earth is he marrying her?

I guess his options are limited.

 

Scared of being single in his 30's not sure what to do dating wise etc.

 

I agree with you he shouldnt be marrying her but as that saying goes he loves her but isnt in love with her.

[ZA Dater]

Develop an obsession for pizza, fries, cheesecake and icecream.

 

OR try this maybe.

How To Bulk Up Fast - Without Getting Fat! - Bodybuilding.com

 

Cant saying being a bulked up guy interests me all that much, I do 100 push ups a day but yip skinny and athletic is me.

 

Reading this forum has forced me to concede physical appearance is the be all and end all of initial attraction.

[Radu]

Not necessarily. There's a law of diminishing returns. Most men desire women in their 20's at the peak of their beauty. In your 30's they are still in your demographic. Once you hit 40, the age gap becomes an issue. And eventually they become less attainable as you get older.

 

If you act like a 40yr old, then yeah, probably.

 

However, if you keep fit, go to the gym, lead an active and purposeful lifestyle ... you can extend that.

I know guys in their mid 40s with gf's in their late 20's, and it works ...

 

PS: Also, i don't live in the US.

[candie13]

In your specific situation, actually, I would say yes. The choices only get worse as you get older. But if you do this, you need to go into it knowing that this is the choice you made, no regrets, and we don't want to see you back here later complaining that you're not attracted to your wife anymore or that you're looking to cheat. You also need to make effort to never ignore her. All relationships have struggles too.

 

bullocks ! The best thing that happens to a person, with age, is that they get confidence and experience. I attracted way way hotter men in my early 30s compared to late 20s. I'm more exigent with myself, much more fit and more demanding when it comes to my partners. I loooooove my 30s.

 

oh, and I am 35 and look... actually having a life and actually having loads of dudes asking me out. Because I am working on being more approachable, connecting more and am more interested in the others.

 

he's a dude mid 30 and complaining ? Really? Get a life, man. Being in your 30, as a man, is extra points on your attraction card. Honestly, the biggest barriers that people ever face are those that they themselves set.

[candie13]

as for meeting people who want the same things as you: kids, a family, marriage or exclusive RS... that is equally as difficult in the 20s as in the 30s. Actually, you are much more likely to meet like minded people in your 30s. As long as you are really clear about what you REALLY are looking for.

[No_Go]

30s is NOT late for (some types of) fun. Sure there will be guys/women wanting to date people at any age.

 

But the biology is not on the side of 30-something's. I'm sure fertility statistics is nothing new for anybody in this forum. For women at mid/late 30s there is an inflection point... For guys the genetic abnormalities start to cripple too.

 

Also, at 30s and later people usually have their lives so organized that is hard to accomodate a new person (significant other) without major breaking of patterns.

 

For casual dating/friendships the above 2 points don't matter.. But it does not seem like OP is just looking for a date...

 

bullocks ! The best thing that happens to a person, with age, is that they get confidence and experience. I attracted way way hotter men in my early 30s compared to late 20s. I'm more exigent with myself, much more fit and more demanding when it comes to my partners. I loooooove my 30s.

 

oh, and I am 35 and look... actually having a life and actually having loads of dudes asking me out. Because I am working on being more approachable, connecting more and am more interested in the others.

 

he's a dude mid 30 and complaining ? Really? Get a life, man. Being in your 30, as a man, is extra points on your attraction card. Honestly, the biggest barriers that people ever face are those that they themselves set.

[40 Fonzarelli]

If you act like a 40yr old, then yeah, probably.

 

However, if you keep fit, go to the gym, lead an active and purposeful lifestyle ... you can extend that.

I know guys in their mid 40s with gf's in their late 20's, and it works ...

 

PS: Also, i don't live in the US.

 

Of course it could work. But there's exceptions to every rule.

[mystikmind2005]

This sounds great in a land of rainbows and unicorns, but this is the real world we are talking about here.

 

I don't get it? I'm not talking about world peace good will to all men, bringing dinosaurs back to life, or solving world hunger I'm just only talking about changing your own perspective, with the reckless presumption that a person has access to their own mind of course.

[joseb]

bullocks ! The best thing that happens to a person, with age, is that they get confidence and experience. I attracted way way hotter men in my early 30s compared to late 20s. I'm more exigent with myself, much more fit and more demanding when it comes to my partners. I loooooove my 30s.

 

he's a dude mid 30 and complaining ? Really? Get a life, man. Being in your 30, as a man, is extra points on your attraction card. Honestly, the biggest barriers that people ever face are those that they themselves set.

 

Bollocks indeed. Yeah honestly I have nfi why people think a guy in his mid thirties would have limited opportunities. He should be able to meet lots of women in their mid 20s to mid 30s looking for the same thing he is. And all this scare mongering about genetic issues. I know there are mutations in sperm as we age but he's in his 30s not his 60s.

 

Op rather than lowering your standards, look at setting your standards for the type of woman you want to meet to achieve your relationship goals.

[joseb]

If you act like a 40yr old, then yeah, probably.

 

However, if you keep fit, go to the gym, lead an active and purposeful lifestyle ... you can extend that.

I know guys in their mid 40s with gf's in their late 20's, and it works ...

 

PS: Also, i don't live in the US.

 

Yeah I agree with this. I used to have the mentality that as I'm over 40 I need to be less fussy. But it you eat well, keep fit and active and have a good attitude then the age thing becomes much less of an issue. The only place I find it an issue is OLD, due to filters never giving you a chance.

[elaine567]

bullocks ! The best thing that happens to a person, with age, is that they get confidence and experience. I attracted way way hotter men in my early 30s compared to late 20s. I'm more exigent with myself, much more fit and more demanding when it comes to my partners. I loooooove my 30s.

 

he's a dude mid 30 and complaining ? Really? Get a life, man. Being in your 30, as a man, is extra points on your attraction card. Honestly, the biggest barriers that people ever face are those that they themselves set.

 

So true, people can find others to love in their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, even 80+.

BUT they tend not to do that by sitting at home waiting for it all to come to them.

[candie13]

30s is NOT late for (some types of) fun. Sure there will be guys/women wanting to date people at any age.

 

But the biology is not on the side of 30-something's. I'm sure fertility statistics is nothing new for anybody in this forum. For women at mid/late 30s there is an inflection point... For guys the genetic abnormalities start to cripple too.

 

Also, at 30s and later people usually have their lives so organized that is hard to accomodate a new person (significant other) without major breaking of patterns.

 

For casual dating/friendships the above 2 points don't matter.. But it does not seem like OP is just looking for a date...

 

He is a man in his 30s. He can easily date women in late 20s. Easily. 30+ is the secret pass, if you want those women to take you seriously. It's not even fair, if a man ages well, he can be way more successful in his late 30s than in his early 30.

 

Shall we talk about stuff that can be fixed? He is 35, not 75 as far as baby making is concerned. Let's also cry about global warming and saving the blue whales, while we're at it... he cannot change his age. So? Whomever he choses, up or down, he'll still be 35. Why would he lower his standards?

 

I'm not saying that starting from scratch at 35 is easy. Indeed, people have their routine and preferences. But that can be immensely enriching. They also know themselves much better which makes them better partners. They have more things to share and to discover - from their own likes to the other person's likes. It's not the "routine" the problem, it's fear and lack of curiosity.

 

In the end, it is what it is. He can go cry in a corner or start making some vodka lemonade with the lemons life has given him. And start a party. Or... starve himself to death and try to live only by eating those lemons. His choice.

 

Someone said that it's not what happens to us that determines if we have a good or a bad life, but our reaction to those events. Loads of stuff cannot be changed. But he can change himself. Read more. Connect more. Go out more. Meet more people. Get more educated. Uncomfortable exercise, but sooo enriching ! It may not bring him Miss Universe, but for sure he'll meet more people, experience more situations and feel much more alive than sitting in a corner and contemplating just how low should his "lowering his standards" exercise go.

[Hopeful30]

If anything, you should be raising them.

You are wiser, more experienced, more financially secure, and no what you like, and what you need.

Why on earth would you lower your standards?

 

Because sometimes if we dont, we will never find anyone. Sometimes we are willing to sacrifice our standards to achieve at least some sort of happiness (family, relationship) instead of dying alone which can be worse.

 

Just because we are lowering our standards doesnt mean we are lowering the respect we will show for our partner. Ive always lowered my standards yet have treated all my exes with complete respect and loyalty. The second I decided not to lower them, Ive been single for years and sexless for half that time too.

Edited July 11, 2015 by Hopeful30