Dragonfly88 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Eye for an Eye My husband had cybersex relationships for a very long time since August 2010 and at that time we were only engaged, then I found out about it in July 2014. At which point we had been married for a year. Number one: He says it was all online, claims no photos were exchanged (I am doubtful of) and that they never met up (Yet reading through it I know they had slightly discussed it but long distance was an issue). Number Two: He said he would quit really just found a new girl, of course I found out. Now I think that he is on the hunt again with the way he is adding girls to his Facebook page again. Number Three: He claims that If I did the same thing it would be perfectly alright because it’s only the internet. So here is my question, should I start finding people to have cybersex with on the internet or is that considered completely wrong and he just doesn’t want to admit it and he also knows that’s something I would never enjoy or in most cases never do?
S_A Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) Never cybered... Well, I've tried once for about 30 seconds and realized it wasn't for me. He might be into the whole role play aspect of it. Like, in the geeky sense. And if he's going to "sell" the fantasy he'd have to discuss meeting up etc (I think). So coming from that angle, I don't think he'd try to meet and hook up with anyone. On the surface, what he does sort of sounds harmless. Now there are two forms of cheating. There's physical and emotional. He doesn't seem like he's cheating physically. As for the emotional part, it's tough to say. Do you feel like he is getting his emotional needs met with you? Are you getting yours met? I ask this because if there is any type of cheating going on via cyber-space-only contact, it'd probably be of the emotional variety. Dunno... You doing cyber sex just to get back at him does not fix the problem. I think a better approach would be to talk to him about it. But not in a way that comes off like you're scolding, judging, or resenting him for what he's doing. Try to be as open and understanding as possible, this way you'll maybe gain more insight and have a better perspective on how to proceed from there. An honest talk sounds like the first step IMO. We need to know more. Edited July 9, 2015 by S_A
MrNate 2.0 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Eye for an eye, then we all go blind. Getting back at him won't change anything, certainly not your feelings about him and this whole situation. If this has been going on well into your marriage, and you're not comfortable with this, then you may want to take stronger measures to address this. If he values you as a wife, he'd listen. Not try and rationalize this away. 2
Author Dragonfly88 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 It’s an emotional affair. The one started in 2010 didn’t end till a little bit before we got married, she called it off. Then there was another that had started probably around the same time that he continued to talk to well into our marriage. Then when he ditched that one he started a new one and was caught immediately but I made him get rid of her. These will last years if he had his way but when he gets caught he is forced to block her because I do it for him. Partially why I am nervous about whether or not they met up is because one girl had been to his house before in the past as a friend. They talked about meeting up at his place as well.
Author Dragonfly88 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Eye for an eye, then we all go blind. Getting back at him won't change anything, certainly not your feelings about him and this whole situation. If this has been going on well into your marriage, and you're not comfortable with this, then you may want to take stronger measures to address this. If he values you as a wife, he'd listen. Not try and rationalize this away. I’ve brought up to him that by doing something that makes me feel so ****ty that he is showing me that is how much he values our marriage. He then exaggerates what I’ve asked and acts like I told him he can’t speak to any one at all. When really I told him no sex talk. It’s just disappointing to know that girls are still telling him their sexual experiences and he is still talking to them about their breasts and such. But divorce is hard. This is the basket that I put all my eggs into and I really wish that I wouldn’t have.
Author Dragonfly88 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Never cybered... Well, I've tried once for about 30 seconds and realized it wasn't for me. He might be into the whole role play aspect of it. Like, in the geeky sense. And if he's going to "sell" the fantasy he'd have to discuss meeting up etc (I think). So coming from that angle, I don't think he'd try to meet and hook up with anyone. On the surface, what he does sort of sounds harmless. Now there are two forms of cheating. There's physical and emotional. He doesn't seem like he's cheating physically. As for the emotional part, it's tough to say. Do you feel like he is getting his emotional needs met with you? Are you getting yours met? I ask this because if there is any type of cheating going on via cyber-space-only contact, it'd probably be of the emotional variety. Dunno... You doing cyber sex just to get back at him does not fix the problem. I think a better approach would be to talk to him about it. But not in a way that comes off like you're scolding, judging, or resenting him for what he's doing. Try to be as open and understanding as possible, this way you'll maybe gain more insight and have a better perspective on how to proceed from there. An honest talk sounds like the first step IMO. We need to know more. How do I come off as not judging and as not scolding? I have tried this many times. He will explode tell me I am ruining a perfectly good evening by saying anything about the whole subject no matter if I say it in a low casual tone and start off with it kind of hurts me to think that you've ever thought of another woman or if I were to say I know you've been talking to that girl again. He just explodes at me like I am the evil one for noticing or feeling like we should talk about it. If you want more info feel free to ask questions.
S_A Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 How do I come off as not judging and as not scolding? I have tried this many times. He will explode tell me I am ruining a perfectly good evening by saying anything about the whole subject no matter if I say it in a low casual tone and start off with it kind of hurts me to think that you've ever thought of another woman or if I were to say I know you've been talking to that girl again. He just explodes at me like I am the evil one for noticing or feeling like we should talk about it. If you want more info feel free to ask questions. Got it. Sounds like he has an addiction to cyber sex. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but is the above referenced behavior not indicative of addiction?
Author Dragonfly88 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 Got it. Sounds like he has an addiction to cyber sex. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but is the above referenced behavior not indicative of addiction? I have proposed the idea that he must be addicted before because there is a lot of porn use/ collecting occurring as well but I just feel personally victimized when he is cyber chatting with people that WE know! He claims he can stop any time he wants to and that what he talks about is perfectly acceptable. I am not sure how to handle the situation when he wont admit that there is a problem nor will he readily admit that what he is doing is wrong until he gives in to just say what I want to hear and admit that it's wrong. I am not even sure that he actually believes it's wrong.
Gloria25 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Just curious... Have you flat out asked him: 1-What is it that he gets from these cybersex things? 2-What can "you" do to get his needs met (that he's getting from cybering)? Also, what is your sex life with him? Does he take care of your needs emotionally and sexually? I guess he believes that since he hasn't had actual physical encounters with these women that he's not cheating, but still, IMO, it still constitutes cheating and can hurt your marriage/RL cuz he's sharing experiences/things with these women that he's not doing with you. And, what's the point of staying with you if he is sharing with other women? Also, gotta be careful cuz one day, cybering may not be enough for him and he's gonna wanna make it physical.
2.50 a gallon Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Do not have kids with this man. Divorce is hard, but the truth is he has shown by his actions that he is not one hundred percent into the marriage. There is no reason for him to be sexually communicating with other women. He is directing his time and effort towards other women, time that he should be focusing on the two of you. 3
Arieswoman Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Dragonfly88, This is a typical cheater's reaction - according to him it not what he's doing that's wrong, it's your reaction to it. So basically he's minimising your feelings. He telling you that he's entitled to take time out of the marriage to spend with other women. Who cares if they are real, in cyberspace or cardboard cut-outs? - they are all taking his attention away from you and the marriage. I think you have to have a very serious thinking about whether or not you want to stay in a marriage with someone who ; 1. Isn't 100% committed 2. Is minimising your feelings 3. Won't let you express yourself without going off on one You are suffering emotional abuse and that's not acceptable. And please don't have a "if you can't beat them join them attitude" - don't enagage in this behavior yourself. If you choose to divorce in the future you need to appear the better person, so bear that in mind. Good luck.x 1
candie13 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 he's fcking with you. Now it's cybersex. If he stumbles into a real hottie 25m away, he'll serve you "it's only physical". draw the line. Emotional and sexual fulfillment in a monogamous RS is supposed to come from your partner. Basically, he married you and now he's changing the rules of the game. That's not fair. He's seeking sexual satisfaction - not physical - from other women. Behind your back. That's cheating. Are you ok with this? Is this why you got married? To have a bunch of strangers see you butt naked ? What's in it for you, from this marriage? Listen, I am a simple woman and simple answers are usually the ones that are correct. He's a screw up. He wants his cake - you, and eat it too - other women. Are you ok with that or no? Doing the same thing won't make you feel any less cheated on. Let me know if you need any help packing his bags, I know a few people 2
Brigit_1 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) Eye for an Eye My husband had cybersex relationships for a very long time since August 2010 and at that time we were only engaged, then I found out about it in July 2014. At which point we had been married for a year. Number one: He says it was all online, claims no photos were exchanged (I am doubtful of) and that they never met up (Yet reading through it I know they had slightly discussed it but long distance was an issue). Number Two: He said he would quit really just found a new girl, of course I found out. Now I think that he is on the hunt again with the way he is adding girls to his Facebook page again. Number Three: He claims that If I did the same thing it would be perfectly alright because it’s only the internet. So here is my question, should I start finding people to have cybersex with on the internet or is that considered completely wrong and he just doesn’t want to admit it and he also knows that’s something I would never enjoy or in most cases never do? I'm going to give you my two cents. I've been married for 13 years but we've been together for 20. A couple of months ago I ended a cyber sex affair that went on for 4 and a half years. Although I have flirted lightly with other men online, my cyber bf was the only one with whom I've spoke to sexually and used Skype. He's the only man in 20 years who has seen me naked besides my husband. Recently, I disclosed the affair to my husband. Web cam sex feels surreal. Part of you is aware of a screen but your mind still produces chemicals that form bonds. At one point I WAS going to leave my husband for my cyber bf but didn't. Trying to end the affair was such a freaking mess. Cyber sex is playing with fire. If you or your husband is the type that can separate sex from love then I guess it's fine. For me, my mind and emotions are connected to my body. If someone gets me aroused, even if it's on a screen, I start bonding. If you're like me this won't work for you. Just be honest with yourself as to who you are and what you can handle. Edited July 9, 2015 by Brigit_1 2
ascendotum Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Do not have kids with this man. Divorce is hard, but the truth is he has shown by his actions that he is not one hundred percent into the marriage. There is no reason for him to be sexually communicating with other women. He is directing his time and effort towards other women, time that he should be focusing on the two of you. Totally agree. Its not like he got into this years into the marriage when things were monotonous and there was stress with kids & mortgage & career and maybe a crappy sex life to make him want to look for external validation and excitement. He got into the EAs in the run up to marriage. While one may be interstate the future ones may not be, and from what you saw he is open to meeting them. Maybe its just been words so far, but you couldn't trust it to stay that way down the track, no way. Finding another guy for cybersex might help you cope with what he is doing, but its not going to fix this situation at all. There could well be some addiction element to this as others have said, and he should get counseling. Too bad you did not discover this prior to marriage. 2
autumnnight Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I'm sorry. Cyber as role play? He should role play with YOU. This is cheating, plain and simple. If you have only been married a year, I say run from this boy. You can find a better MAN than this. Of course, this is the natural next step if porn, interactive porn, etc. are all ok..... 2
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