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How long should you date a person before knowing they're not the one?


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Posted

I've known this guy for around a month, seen each other a few times and had one actual date. Since I've known him there's been a lot of chemistry between us. On the date he kissed me and it was super nice, and I was thinking about it for days.

 

I have a few warning signs, such as the big age gap and the fact we have few hobbies in common. Our taste in food is different (he loves meat, and I'm a healthy eater) and we don't like the same sort of music (he likes hip hop and I like pop). My friends think that physically, I'm around a 9/10 and he is around a 6/10. I don't see him mixing in my social circle as he is a lot older than my friends (I hang out with the under 30 crowd). He is from a different generation to me, born in the mid 70s, whereas I was born in the late 80s. I'm also unsure of how caring a person he is yet. He is ready to settle down in the next year or so whereas for me I want to settle down in the next few years.

 

I'm debating whether I should test it out for one month and see where it goes as there is a lot of chemistry, or should I just cut him loose? How long should I date this guy for before I tell him that it is or it's not working out? I'm going to keep my eyes open, but generally I prefer to date one person at a time.

Posted
I've known this guy for around a month, seen each other a few times and had one actual date. Since I've known him there's been a lot of chemistry between us. On the date he kissed me and it was super nice, and I was thinking about it for days.

 

I have a few warning signs, such as the big age gap and the fact we have few hobbies in common. Our taste in food is different (he loves meat, and I'm a healthy eater) and we don't like the same sort of music (he likes hip hop and I like pop). My friends think that physically, I'm around a 9/10 and he is around a 6/10. I don't see him mixing in my social circle as he is a lot older than my friends (I hang out with the under 30 crowd). He is from a different generation to me, born in the mid 70s, whereas I was born in the late 80s. I'm also unsure of how caring a person he is yet. He is ready to settle down in the next year or so whereas for me I want to settle down in the next few years.

 

I'm debating whether I should test it out for one month and see where it goes as there is a lot of chemistry, or should I just cut him loose? How long should I date this guy for before I tell him that it is or it's not working out? I'm going to keep my eyes open, but generally I prefer to date one person at a time.

1. Meat isn't automatically "unhealthy"

2. Your frineds think you are a 9/10 huh? He's a 6/10? Is that what YOU think? Does it matter to YOU?

3. If you can calmly debate "cutting him loose" you clearly don't give two sh_ts about him, and so you should.

  • Like 5
Posted

You probably haven't given the relationship much of a chance.

 

But, are the differences things that can potentially linger in the background, one day to rise to the surface and he gets his heart broken?

 

Many people seem to be able to overcome these same differences in relationships, you just have to think about what type of person you are and what type of person you want to be? Then make a decision and if it is to give him a chance, well then fully commit to it, leave the doubts behind, that is how to succeed.

Posted

If you're from the late 80s, that means you're in your late 20s... and somehow still go for 'the one' ideal, 'we had one date- where is this going?', 'we like the same bands! this is meant to be!'?. I'd say this is how you know, try dating someone in the 18-25 group for a little longer and give this guy a rest.

  • Like 3
Posted

2-3 dates max. If no butterflies in your stomach, a minute after that is a wasted minute. Let this guy go and give someone else a new chance.

 

Looks like you have difficulties to stand up for yourself... it's not about you being a bad person, it's about being honest with yourself. if it's not a "hell yeah", it's a no. there's no such thing as "I don't know." You do. You're not feeling it. And you've been dating for too long and don't feel like cashing out. News flash: it's lost anyway. The more time you spend with him, the more you lose on the long run. Hit him with the bad news and move on.

  • Author
Posted

I definitely get butterflies when I am around him and I still do. Had a crush on him way before we got to know each other. I am super attracted to him physically, but I'm also a logical person and I need to know whether their personality will match mine in the long run, and whether they would make a good long term partner etc.

 

So I was wondering how long does it normally take before you know they are worth dating for longer?

Posted

girl... listen to your instinct. It's not talking to you, it's shouting at you. I understand the attraction but if you feel that you have more to lose than to gain, you're probably right.

 

I think women are so intune with their feelings and emotions that they have a hard time, almost feeling guilty to cross guys out because mentally they are no good for them. I think you must be going through the same thing.

 

However, you're much wiser and smarter than I was at your age, because you sense the tensions and you word them out. Really impressive, well done. I'm here to tell you that that gut feeling that something is wrong with you and this dude... that feeling is correct.

 

But you need to be convinced about it. Make a list about things that are really important to you. Then make a separate list about him. what you like and what you don't like about him. But really, work on those 2 things separately. And then, after you've drafted them, match them and see the result. You need to be convinced that on the long run, it'll not work. So approach this matter rationally.

 

I think half of the hard work is almost done. You're doing really well, very impressed with young women approaching their love life rationally. Congrats !

Posted

sorry, to be answering your question more precisely, it's not a matter of time. It's a matter of you understanding if you are satisfied by what he has to offer to you or not.

 

That's why my recommendation is not to wait until you "know", but to approach this matter rationally and actually try to listen and understand yourself, with regards to this RS. If you approach this rationally as opposed to instinctually, chances are you're gonna get to the right result much faster.

 

cheers

  • Like 1
Posted

YOU already see the potential issues and they are not invalid concerns, but the dealbreaker that I see, is the fact he wants to settle asap and you don't.

You are at different stages in your life.

He is 40 and you are only 25.

His clock is ticking and you have plenty of time.

If he puts pressure on you to settle, which he cannot afford not to do, if he wants a family, then you will feel put upon and obliged to comply, and that will breed resentment in you.

  • Author
Posted
YOU already see the potential issues and they are not invalid concerns, but the dealbreaker that I see, is the fact he wants to settle asap and you don't.

You are at different stages in your life.

He is 40 and you are only 25.

His clock is ticking and you have plenty of time.

If he puts pressure on you to settle, which he cannot afford not to do, if he wants a family, then you will feel put upon and obliged to comply, and that will breed resentment in you.

 

I would like to get married in the next two years. I am 28.5 years old and he is almost 39 so that wouldn't be an issue.

Posted
I would like to get married in the next two years. I am 28.5 years old and he is almost 39 so that wouldn't be an issue.

 

OK, I misunderstood, I thought you meant his wanting to settle clashed with yours. The use of the word "whereas" confused me.

 

He is ready to settle down in the next year or so whereas for me I want to settle down in the next few years.

  • Author
Posted
OK, I misunderstood, I thought you meant his wanting to settle clashed with yours. The use of the word "whereas" confused me.

 

Sorry about the wording!

 

What I meant was that he is definitely out there looking for 'the one' I.e. I think that the next girl who comes along who matches him criteria he would marry and settle down, whereas I am a bit pickier about who i settle down with.

  • Author
Posted
girl... listen to your instinct. It's not talking to you, it's shouting at you. I understand the attraction but if you feel that you have more to lose than to gain, you're probably right.

 

I think women are so intune with their feelings and emotions that they have a hard time, almost feeling guilty to cross guys out because mentally they are no good for them. I think you must be going through the same thing.

 

However, you're much wiser and smarter than I was at your age, because you sense the tensions and you word them out. Really impressive, well done. I'm here to tell you that that gut feeling that something is wrong with you and this dude... that feeling is correct.

 

But you need to be convinced about it. Make a list about things that are really important to you. Then make a separate list about him. what you like and what you don't like about him. But really, work on those 2 things separately. And then, after you've drafted them, match them and see the result. You need to be convinced that on the long run, it'll not work. So approach this matter rationally.

 

I think half of the hard work is almost done. You're doing really well, very impressed with young women approaching their love life rationally. Congrats !

 

Thanks for your advice!

I have made lists of what may not work as well as the good things about him. I think a part of it is the concern that he is much older than me, nearly 39 and not yet found a relationship which makes me think whether I am selling myself short here. Wondering why other women haven't taken him yet. If he was 30 and not married that would be much less of a concern to me. I'm wondering how long does it take to find out why he is still single?

Posted
I'm around a 9/10 and he is around a 6/10.

 

 

I've never heard of someone being between a 6 and a 10. How can he be a 10 one day and another day fall to a 6? That's bizarre.

Posted
Sorry about the wording!

 

What I meant was that he is definitely out there looking for 'the one' I.e. I think that the next girl who comes along who matches him criteria he would marry and settle down, whereas I am a bit pickier about who i settle down with.

 

OK so he is totally "settling down"/married focused and you are more if it happens it happens, lets just see where it takes us.

You are not averse if it feels right, but you are not at the stage that any "sort of suitable" man will just do - which is, I guess the stage he is at. Though if asked he would probably deny that.

 

OK, so it is a bit of an issue.

Posted
Thanks for your advice!

I have made lists of what may not work as well as the good things about him. I think a part of it is the concern that he is much older than me, nearly 39 and not yet found a relationship which makes me think whether I am selling myself short here. Wondering why other women haven't taken him yet. If he was 30 and not married that would be much less of a concern to me. I'm wondering how long does it take to find out why he is still single?

 

These are serious questions. Why don't you just ask him ?

 

I'm 35 and I assure you i am perfectly normal. If anyone asks me why I'm still single, my answer is because I was in RSs during my 20s and it took me some time to get adjusted to the single life all over again.

 

Maybe he got his heart broken. Maybe he's picky. Maybe he's a commitment phobe. Ask why he's single.

 

And most importantly, listen to how he talks about marriage and children. Don't ever ask that question directly unless he volunteers to, but notice if he criticizes other people's marriages and if he is pro kids or not. Are his own parents married or divorced?

 

Some things we can guess for ourselves. But most of the times, we need to find out those things from our partners, must muster the courage to just open out mouth in a very adult way, sit down and have a proper conversation.

 

best of luck

Posted

Not sure if the person ssking the 6/10 question was joking but it is a rating scale like "6 out of 10" not 6 sometimes, 10 others.

 

So, I am in late 30 and recently dated. Girl in her mid 20s. I was hesitant too but we actually had a lot in common and I found she was very knowledgable about a lot if things and I actually learned from her (and she learned from me). The reason it didn't work out was I felt like she was jumping to conclusions too often and almost following a script of how the relationship should proceed.

 

 

Recently met another girl in her mid 20s and I point blank told her that I didn't want to give her the wrong idea and that my interest was at a friendship level. Well, turns out we connect really well... I might pursue it at a dating level just to see because I really enjoy her company.

 

Having said all of that, I was really late to the dating game and I would consider myself selective (ie I don't date just for the sake of dating). I do sent to get married eventually but I won't settle.

 

Friends critize me for dating younger girls but I just seem to meet younger girls on a day to day basis. I am not pursuing them.

 

Curious, how did you two meet? If I were you I would give the relationship a chance with an open mind until the guy gives you reason that you don't want to date him (regardless of the age gap).

Posted

When you say "he has not yet found a relationship" are you saying he has never been in a serious long term relationship ?

 

Or that he just happens to be single now.

 

There is a big difference. There are many valid reasons he could be single at 39. Or 49. If he has never been in a serious relationship then I would be concerned.

Posted
Not sure if the person ssking the 6/10 question was joking but it is a rating scale like "6 out of 10" not 6 sometimes, 10 others.

 

 

I was joking ;) At first it did seem like she meant she's between a 9 and a 10 but then I got it but still wanted to make the joke.

Posted
My friends think that physically, he is around a 6/10.

 

Who cares what they think? They're not the ones dating him.

 

Let him go to find someone who accepts him for who/how he is.

 

I've never heard of someone being between a 6 and a 10. How can he be a 10 one day and another day fall to a 6? That's bizarre.

 

It's: on a scale between 1 - 10 with 1 being a$$ and 10 being WOW!!!!!

Posted

You should be able to tell within 2-3 dates if someone is not for you.

 

 

A month in, seems awfully fast to be thinking about marrying him. I can understand coming to the conclusion that you don't want to marry somebody but you need to date for at least a year & go through one rotation of holidays to learn how you both deal with stress & families before seriously considering marriage.

 

 

Having different tastes in music, food preferences & hobbies seem like trivial reasons to dump somebody. You both have a chance to expand your horizons here & you may find other alternatives you do have in common. If you haven't given him a chance around your friends, then you can't say so sure he won't fit. He may have a young sole.

 

 

I'm assuming this is the guy you have been dating & not the "influential guy" from your circle who is the creepy stalker.

Posted (edited)

Boooberry123, it shouldn't take more than a few dates for you to know if a guy has long-term potential with you or not.

 

If the age-gap bothers you, then I think you should date within your own generation instead. That way you have more in common with each other.

 

I think if you are going to date someone from a different generation, you need to be open-minded and flexible enough to accept the obvious differences that go along with that; different value system, different life stages, different friends, older friends vs. younger friends, different worldview perspectives, different sex drives, different work ethics, etc.,.

 

edit to add: You can't change him either, so don't try to. Just accept him for who he is and what he has to offer in terms of dating and stop worrying about what your friends think so much.

Edited by writergal
Posted

The age difference and the settling down time frame seem to be the major issues. If they're deal breakers then move on.

 

 

If they're not then date him and get to know him. There is no set number of dates or months. You have to interact with him and get to know him before you can tell because the differences and similarities will surface as you get to know each other.

 

 

Ultimately it will come down to compatibility and chemistry if the age difference and the settling down time frame aren't deal breakers.

Posted
I would like to get married in the next two years. I am 28.5 years old and he is almost 39 so that wouldn't be an issue.

 

Then what is the issue? You seem to have an answer as to why your relationship will work whenever anyone suggests you break up with this guy. If you like him why this thread?

  • Author
Posted

 

 

I'm assuming this is the guy you have been dating & not the "influential guy" from your circle who is the creepy stalker.

 

Yup, this is the guy I've been dating and not the creepy stalker, who is still not giving up on texting me!

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