question for other woman

[shellys-trying]

hello, I am a married woman who's husband cheated on me. I was blind and didn't want to see signs infront of my face when the affair was going on.

Only when I got a "good sumaritan" phone call telling me to watch my husband because he was cheating did I take my guts instincts serious. There was a second call, BTW, I let him in on to hear. He denied knowing the voice vehemently infront of our children and said he didn't recognize the woman's voice.

Husband came home one day (about a week after the 2nd call)and as always treated me like a piece of furniture, not speaking to me until I spoke first. I'd had enough doubts especially after the 2 calls and faced him with my suspicions of his infidelity. He said it was all true, he did it. He'd been having an affair with a coworker for 3 months.

Now the woman who had called telling me of his affair and even offering the OW phone #, address and name, was NOT the OW voice because I called OW and she asked me what my husband said, which I said he admitted it. Now, before I made my call, I wanted to know what HIS opinion of her was and he had said she was quiet and nice and didn't bother anyone at work.

The OW wasn't nice to me, infact she railed at me asking me how could I live with someone who didn't love me? and said she wasn't giving him up until HE told HER it was over.

My question is this to any of you OW on this forum...do you think SHE could have arranged the "good sumaritan" calls? Was she infact decieving husband by being "deliberately nice " because he had said I was bitchy?

 

I feel he was being decieved by her, to get an upper hand at work or make her workload easier by dating the "boss", which my husband is at his workplace?

I shiver to think how she could have brought sexual harrassment charges agaainst him, even though from what OW's own brother says (who also works at husbands workplace). OW's brother calls her a greedy bitch and money hungry.

A month after affair ended, I saw OW at local department store and confronted her just to make myself feel better. No violence was involved, I'm better than that, and she tried to convince me husband had had an affair before she started working with him, and heard it through work grapevine. I told her to tell her "gossip" to husband with me standing there and she said she didn;t want to take it into workplace. Wasn't that where the whole thing began?!

 

 

We have been married for 15 years and have 4 kids. The affair happened a couple years ago.He has not strayed since this one and only affair. I did not beleive OW and her "gossip claim affair".

I just wanted an Other Woman's view on the questions I have asked. I hope I don't sound scattered and rambling.

 

Thank you. ANY words and thoughts or opinions about my questions will be MUCH appreciated!

 

Shellys-trying

[SweetSerenity]

I've known some women to do that. When they think that if they do it the wife will kick the H to the curb and then they can have him. This doesn't make the H dislike the OW so there in fact she becomes a victim instead of the one that did it.

 

But why do you say 'Oh my poor husband'? As if he was innocent in it all. I mean he did in fact bring this upon himself. I mean I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just saying that he isn't innocent. He knew the risks of sexual harrassment and everything before he got involved.

[shellys-trying]

Thank you, SS, for your prompt reply.

I don't feel sorry for him for possibly getting sacked for sexual harrassment charges. I pointed out the possibilities of it and he actually blanched white like he didn't think of that. How could he when he wasn't thinking with his brain having an affair with OW. Soon after his affair with her ended he found out she'd dated other guys at work, quite a few.

I just wanted some opinions and advice from someone else. I've never really talked about it with unbiased women. My mom and sister aren't good at advizing these things if they have clean sparkly marriages, you know?

 

I feel better, more justified, hearing someone's opinion other than my own. Husband sees what an absolute MORON he was. The thing is, we used to tease each other earlier in our marriage how we'd only find losers if one of us ever strayed from the other. Ironic isn't it? When w'd make those silly comments we'd get to laughing and saying, "I'm not gonna cheat" "well, I'm not gonna cheat either".

 

Again, thank you, I really like this forum. It helps me know I'm not alone in my questions and thoughts.

[SweetSerenity]

She sounds like a real piece of work. I've seen women like her operate. They always get theirs in the end. Trust me. She'll hit a brick wall at full speed one of these days. Or she'll jack with the wrong person like that and she'll get far worse. Golddiggers are funny. Ever watched Desperate Housewives? Edie, I think her name is. The predator in the series. Lol. I'm addicted and thats off topic but yeah she sounds like a predator to me.

[shellys-trying]

I will admit, I have kept up with OW, through friends at my H's work. You know, wives who've been dumped on too and don't like seeing it done to someone else. She doesn't work there anymore BTW. She went back to an abusive ex-husband (abusive from what she told H).

OW has since left her ex husband and remarried and divorced and gone back to first ex-husband (the abusive one). Am I confusing you or are you stuck at why I keep up with her whereabouts?

 

I guess, like you stated, she's gonna hit that brick wall and I'd like to be there when she does. Or around anyway. I did tell her she would someday somewhere and I might not be there but it would be me and every other wife who's husband she's screwed she'd think of when she did get her "come uppance".

 

Are you sure you're not a counselor? You should get a degree in this stuff.

 

Thanks again, SS!

 

Shellys-trying

[Nara]

Hi you, I am an "other woman".

He's my first affair and I am his first and it's confusing, sore, nothing to be proud of.

There's many miles and a canal between us, so mostly there's a physical distance; even closer we are mentally, soulwise, emotionally.

 

On the other hand, concerning all the circumstances in our lives and especially in my past, it's a beautiful miracle, it goes deep, but as much sunshine as there is, as much rain there is, too.

If someone would have told me two years ago, I'll be in this situation one day, I would have called them completely crazy...

 

While reading, what you wrote, I right away had the thought, that OW did arrange the info-calls.

Seems to me, she makes some kind of "sport" out of it or at least plays a power-game, maybe wanting to prove herself, how far she can go, how she can manipulate people.

Her essence seems to be getting so called strength for herself by bringing others down...I don't know...maybe, it is like that.

Maybe she was frustrated in some way or realized, that there's no future in any way with your husband and so she arranged these phone calls as a kind of emotional "amok-run", thinking, if I am frustrated and don't get what I want, he and his wife shouldn't, too, hoping, she could destroy what she can't have.

(Hope, I'm not writing too confusing...)

 

That's my spontaneous thoughts on that.

 

I really hope, you are fine today and btw, you didn't sound scattered or rambling at all.

 

Nara

[shellys-trying]

Nara, I appreciate your opinion on my "problem". I can't beleive I'm talking to "Other women". lol

Back when all the affair was being dealt with, I probably wouldn't have been so nice, no offense. It's a hard thing to go through, the hardest I've ever been through. I fought a good fight (not physically, of course, though I was tempted) because I knew my husband was being as duped as he had duped me, and I'm not saying I had any pity for him. I didn't. He knew and had always known what cheating on me would do to me.

 

The first question I asked him when he admitted his affair to me was, "Do you know what you've done to me?" He gradually figured it out and it's taken a couple years but we're finally getting through it. It helped that when OW figured out she wasn't important to him other than a quickie (and even that wasn't worth it) she quit work there and moved on to other men. I think I have kept up with her "whereabouts" not only for me but maybe as a scare tactic for my husband, who is convinced women are as Bobby's mom from Waterboy says, "is the Debil!"

 

We have 3 almost grown girls he's so protective over where boys are concerned and a toddler son, whom he swears up and down he will teach to respect women, especially the one he marries.

I still get ticked sometimes when I think about his affair and the "disease" factor and all that, but I'm grateful that he took his brain out of his nether regions and saw reason. I know we had problems in our marriage and I tried so many times to sit down with him, but he was a "no communicating" kind of guy and it was hard.

But, He knows that I love him, but if he ever does the affair thing again, I'm gone and there's no looking back. I was an independent working woman when I met him and I can be one again. Well, except now I have 4 beautiful children to keep me busy and focused! Which is a good thing!

 

As for the OW and her tactics, I felt she was fake from the first moment I talked with her, even when I spoke with her face to face. I know there are OW out there who are truly duped by Swinger Bob the married guy who's goal in life is to get chicks, and who cares if Suzy the homemaker is at home baking cookies.

 

Thank you again for your comments and thoughts, they are VERY MUCH appreciated and helps put some closure on some of those questions I still kept asking myself, and puzzling about, you know?

 

Shellys-trying

[RecordProducer]

You're digging onto something that is completely irrelevant. The only thing that remained in my mind is that he treats you like a piece of furniture and cheats on you.

You have a few options:

1. To make him break up with her. The best way to do this is to pack his bags and throw him out of the house. With 4 kids you have huge chances to keep the house and rip him off so he will probably choose to be with you. But do you want him to stay with you for the wrong reasons? You want someone who treats you like a piece of furniture?

2. To accept his behavior and continue to live like that, but start living your own life independently as in have lovers and fun on aside, stop sleeping with him, cooking for him, etc.

3. Divorce.

 

The OW obviously wants him for herself and she possibly arranged the call, but you can't know for sure. You should investigate how serious their relationship got and what promises he has given to her.

 

Some men have a smooth way of finding a hole in the law that prohibits bigamy.

[shellys-trying]

I am speaking of a past experience, as in my H cheated on me, some years back.

As a matter of fact, he doesn't treat me like a piece of furniture. I am on here to talk with others who can give me some insight on questions I have about my experience in being cheated on.

 

If you'll read some of my posts in this category and some others I've posted to, you'll see the whole picture. I am an independent woman, BTW. He stays because he wants to and I let him, not because I can take our 4 kids and get loads of money from him. I wouldn't do that to my kids. He is a good father, even if he forgot how to be for a few months.

This happened a couple years back and I happened upon this site and started messaging some of the people here who have been very helpful.

 

Also, my H may have been a complete dumb F*** for cheating on the only woman who will love him with a no good deceiving gold digger, and a proven one at that, but a smoothoperator my H is not. He just lucked out on getting away with cheating the length of time he did.

[Nara]

shellys-trying, same with me...I, the OW converse with you, a wife...have to admit, that makes me bit shy or pensive, but it's a good thing to do...

 

You went through fire and didn't burn and it seems, you and your husband managed and that's great.

But mostly of all, YOU have managed...!!

 

I wish you a good night and take care,

 

 

Nara

[shellys-trying]

Bless you, too!