I need to get it off my chest.

[SomeOther]

I'm new to the forum and just joined.

I've being wanting to talk to someone for awhile, but have no one who I trust and or wouldn't get hurt from it.

 

I honestly don't know where to start. There's so much I've been keeping within.

Would love to have seen a therapist but can't afford one and not something I can tell my wife without being asked why?

 

I'm married, have been for almost 9 years and have been with her for almost 13 years. We were the first couple from our group of friends to got married and now the last to have a child. My wife sees a future with me, wants everything with me and I personally don't see or feel it with her.

 

She is a great person, everything I've ever wanted in a wife, but have never found her sexually attractive and never have felt the butterflies. I personally don't think of her from the moment we wake up to the moment going to sleep and enjoy the time when she's not around. Just stayed with her as I don't want to hurt her as I do care about her and we have been through allot. I see she loves me like I did with my ex and whom I'm still in love with.

 

My wife is from Iran, so our cultures and languages are different.

 

It started because of my ex, who I admit I'm still in love with, still think about on a daily basis and who I haven't seen for 14 years. She was also Iranian. Because I didn't understand her culture, I had to search Iranian online and in short that's how I met my wife. Got to know her before physically meeting.

 

I'm from the UK and moved to the USA to start a new life with my wife and to get away from the location I had the memories from my ex.

My first love I fell in love with instantly and believe in love at first sight as it happened to me. She was Iranian and I'm British, we dated for 2 years, both being virgins and saw myself getting married to her, but had to keep the relationship secret, couldn't tell anyone because I was not Muslim etc, I did convince her to tell her mother as she trusted her and ultimately her mother told her father and she got beat by her father because of it. The biggest moment in my life when I had to control myself, as I wanted to go beat her father but instead was powerless as I loved her and didn't want to hurt her. Everything about us was great apart from the fact it could never work just because of the differences in nationality and religion. She could never marry me because I was not Iranian and not Muslim. I could never look at another girl, could never imagine being with someone else and wow she was so beautiful.

 

Anyway, I had to finish it because knowing it would never work, she also told me there was never going to be a future closer to the time and that's allot to deal with when you had to put time, effort and emotional energy into.

 

She cut all communications with me and I attempted to commit suicide.

 

Anyway recently I had searched her (always knew it was wrong and somehow always managed not to), I found her picture and boom all those emotions hit me like a ton of bricks like the last time I saw her.

I knew she was married, as I already heard about the marriage and found her address. I wrote this to her.

 

Hope this letter finds you well and know it must come as a shock after so many years.

 

Sorry if you take offense to this and I don't mean to disrespect you, your husband and or your family in anyway. I know years have passed and have being wanting to write to you for many of those years. For me to say I'm deeply sorry.

 

I hope all is well and most importantly you are happy. I heard you were getting married not so long after our relationship had ended. I hope you married a wonderful man, who spoils you, treats you well with respect and who protects you with their life just as you deserve.

 

Obviously I haven't forgotten about you, as you were my first love and still think of you from time to time. My heart was broken and has never fully recovered since as it will always deep down love you. I have not since fully opened my heart up to that extent since to anyone else.

 

After our relationship, obviously I was very disappointed, felt rejected, was very depressed and felt as though there was nothing to live for. I tried taking my own life and lucky for me and those around me I did not succeed.

 

Now I appreciate life and enjoy it to the fullest, treating everyday like the last, not having regrets, say what's on my mind and not to change for anybody.

 

I already knew our relationship was not going to work, but I tried to hold on to it and wish I could have got over it like you did with ease. You knew what you was getting yourself into, I did not and ultimately I had my barriers down getting hurt more in the process.

 

I've come to realize I did not stand a chance, regardless of how hard I tried, you were never fully open to the idea and every relationship has to have compromise. Sadly, the main reasons being, I'm English, none Iranian and not Muslim. To me that didn't make sense, as your in my country and I was brought up to except anyone regardless of race, religion or nationality and to love them for who they are.

 

Do you remember how understanding I was?

 

I know you loved me as you went through so much for me and I appreciate every moment we had together.

 

Sorry for the way I reacted, hurting you more and for causing stress on your family. I was young, stupid and for that I take full responsibility. I have always regretted it since. Hence, I had to write this and hope to create peace between us.

 

I'm grateful of experiencing love with you, I'm proud to have experienced it; knowing love exists and know love is a wonderful thing. It's better to have loved than never to have loved and this life is not worth living otherwise.

 

After our relationship, I had so many questions I needed answering, I didn't understand your culture. The more I learned about your culture, the more I learned about you. I learned Farsi; I now understand it and speak it. Just never learnt how to write it in Farsi alphabet, apart from numbers and have trouble understanding the humour.

 

I'm married to a beautiful Iranian, who is also from Tehran, she's a wonderful, kind hearted person, from a great family, who loves me for who I'am and her mother and father see me as the son they never had.

They are Muslim and it proves to me anything is possible. When I met her, I knew she was Iranian, I struggled to allow myself to get to know her and didn't want to get hurt again. We have been through allot, we stick together as a team, she has proven it over and over, time and time again.

 

You are from a beautiful country, with wonderful people, with a great culture, who speak a beautiful language and who eat very delicious foods. My personal favourite being Gheimeh; I love the music, listen to it once in awhile, especially Chaartaar and Ebi. The only downside is, it's about love and that hurts because deep down I think of you.

 

As you can see from the senders address, I'm no longer living in the UK, seeing the places we had been hurts, I needed to get away from it and moved to USA. I moved here by myself, leaving behind my family, friends and everything I had known. Making a new life for myself, having achieved so much and having great opportunities in the time I've been here. My English accent is on the decline as I've been here for so long and apparently sound American to those from UK.

 

Every movie I see with Tower Bridge, I instantly think of you and the moments we used to be by ourselves, sitting on the bridge without the worry of anyone seeing us. I was so proud and wanted people to see us.

 

I understand how you must feel being so far from Iran, I haven't been back to UK for many years and don't see myself going back for many years to come. Florida is a beautiful place, very hot though and miss the 4 seasons. Love being in touch with the elements, whether it be in the ocean, on land or in the Everglades and appreciating the beauty of gods creations, the wildlife and the sounds of nature. In the ocean by the reef is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and can spend days out there each time.

 

If you still think of me from time to time, have a look at the moon when it's full and I'll be looking at it thinking of you.

 

Every year on January 1st, goftam 'tavalodet moborak Neda jon' I have never forgotten your birthday. I haven't even a single photo of you, the only picture I see of you is from my memory and I remember how beautiful you are.

 

I hope you get this, now truly know how I feel about you and that I haven't forgotten about you. I hope to get a response, just to let me know you are ok and happy. I know we are now sadly complete strangers to each other and shells of our previous selfs. We both are adults; I'll understand if you don't and don't expect you to.

 

I love you, never stopped loving you and I will always love you deep down. Sometimes I wish it never happened to save the pain. But the experience had made me the man I'am today and proud of it. I sure hope in the next life we can be together. Either way, I'll wait for the day of judgement by the creator of the heavens and the earth to make that decision and ultimately have no regrets.

 

Delam barat tang shode kheyli ziad

Ghorboonet beram

Movazebe khodet bash

 

 

Anyway, I know she will never respond as she hasn't so far and had no problem illuminating me from her life before. But it still hurts allot and wonder if I'd be better alone or stick with my wife for the long run and not be happy.

 

My wife knows about her and my depression. To add to the pain, my wife's family is like my family and have done more for me than my own family have done.

 

Thank you all for reading and for letting me to get it off my chest. Sorry if something's don't make sense as I've been typing this quickly.

[Gloria25]

Well, glad to see you have LS to come here and vent...

 

Sorry it didn't work out, I guess her family and her were more about their culture and religion and that's how it goes sometimes. Some Muslim families aren't so orthodox and then there are some who have cultural ways that also affect how they practice Islam.

 

But dude, your current wife knows you are still so connected emotionally to your ex and hasn't blown her top off yet?

 

Ookkkk....

 

All these years are a long time to have such a connection with someone. She is embarking on her marriage and you have yours. If you two were like older, done raised your kids and were actually available (ie divorced) - I could see where your yearning to reconnect with her is at, but you two right now are barely embarking on your own marriages/lives.

 

And I don't know about her staring at the moon for you right now cuz this is the Holy Month of Ramadan and the moon is being watched for other reasons

[DaisyBug]

Hi there!

 

 

Gee, not sure what to say here. Your letter to your ex is kind of all over the place: "I hope you're happy! You sure made ME miserable - I almost killed myself! But I love you! I'm happy now, though, with a beautiful wife. But I still love you! You sure are beautiful. I hope you're still thinking of me? I'm fine without you, though. Hope to hear from you?"

 

 

It's good that you wrote the letter, putting feelings on paper always helps, but I wouldn't have sent it all these years later, now that she's married. It's almost a bit creepy.

 

 

May I say that you are hanging on to your infatuation, something that is trapped in time, when in reality had you married her you'd probably be tired of her by now. Her beauty would have faded some. You attraction would have waned. You wouldn't be as lovelorn for her as you are now. Not that this would be impossible, but since you sort of come off as more concerned with beauty, sexual attraction, and butterflies than someone being a wonderful person (like your wife), I'm not sure you are "one whose love stands the test of time" kind of fella.

 

 

I hope you realize what a good lady you have now, and forget about the woman who "got away." Doesn't everyone romanticize the one who got away?

 

 

That reminds me. I know someone who dumped her fiancé for another man. She was beautiful then - blonde, cheerleader-looking type, good figure, beautiful smile. I wonder if he's crying in his beer to this day. She's still married to the 2nd guy, but very overweight and sarcastic/b*tchy. Husband just looks like he's waiting for death. If guy #1 only knew...

[sportygirl89]

Do not blame a person on trying to commit suicide (that is the last thing that an ex wants to hear) I know it sucks losing your first love. Just found out mine got a girl pregnant at 4 months and engaged. Keep your self busy and only you can change your happiness. Never let anyone (like your first love take your happiness) or you will regret it. You need to focus on what you have now unless you want to lose the family you have. Just remember people love you and someone would miss you if you were gone (I.e. your wife and children).

[casey.lives]

it's good to get it off your chest.... now move on with your life and stop