joe3889 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Hi everybody my name is Joe and I am a college student in the midwest (hopefully graduating in 2 years) and I feel like an absolute moron. I met and hooked up with a beautiful,intelligent girl after vaguely recognizing her and striking up a convo in a supermarket near school.. (cereal aisle i still remember haha) shortly after the beginning of second semester this year, It turns out she lived in my apartment complex which was perfect. My issues with her past are exactly that... my issues. However I would really appreciate any help people could offer me about dealing with it. She had 3 serious bfs in high school (which sorta sucks they are close because she went to high school one town over) (slept with the second 2 which is no problem to me in that context) and the third one carried her into college. Her third boyfriend treated her terrible (he was at home and didn't go to college). When they broke up she tells me she felt really bad and stopped caring about herself. She had two one night stands after (one after a party and after getting drunk on a camping trip with a group of friends) and then hooked up with another guy for the next few months until she met me. Someone told me the longer term guy ejaculated in her which makes me feel even worse. She feels terrible about everything and says she was hurt and dumb and wishes she could somehow go back. She has been with a total of 6 guys before me... she is 20 (a week younger than me). She is an extremely attractive Latina girl(which i find very sexy) and is sought after by many guys (her cool personality is actually more important to me) many of whom previously thought of her as somewhat untouchable. She has also been honest with me about the things she did. Its not the number that bothers me as much as the way she did it.. I see sex as the most intimate thing two people can do and those guys as so frustrating. I know that I have a terrible double standard... but in reality most guys wanna get with and brag about a lot of girls and most of girls know this save it for people who put in effort and are close to them. Every guy I have ever known has no problem sleeping around and makes a distinction between girls who sleep around and girls who are dateable. Also the fact that many people know about it (she is truly beautiful so she has the social spotlight on her) I think about it all the time and it comes and goes in waves. I have a hard time sleeping and often I lose hunger when I think of it. I realize that the problem is mine and I don't want to lose this girl. I am competitive and prideful by nature (used to play football and soccer)and need to overcome this. I have been with the same amount of people as her (i know its a double standard). I am close to giving up and accepting that unfortunately this is just who I am. I was raised protestant but I'm not very religious. It is not an issue in that way
ravfour4 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 It's the past man. People do all kinds of crazy sexual stuff when they're in a relationship, that's normal, you're just not supposed to tell your new bf/gf about it. Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to and if you really like this woman and she likes you and she's being so honest, she sounds like a keeper 1
Ronni_W Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I am close to giving up and accepting that unfortunately this is just who I am. A person with (unrealistic and insane) double standards (expectations) is who you are NOW...in this specific moment. But YOU are the ONLY one with the power and authority to change that. Reinvent yourself into a person who is MORE sane and MORE logical and does NOT kneel or bow down to ANY double standards! Or, you could say "upgrade" yourself or "transcend" yourself. It doesn't really matter what you call the process, the important point is that ONLY YOU can change the garbage or infected programming in your own brain. Not just about this issue, about any issue that is an issue or may become an issue in the future. That double standard is NOT your original programming. Don't take on somebody else's "computer malware and viruses", and then tell yourself that that is you; that that is the way YOU are. Instead, be who you really, truly are. (And if you really, truly are someone with this kind of double standard...then...honestly, this woman deserves and will be far better off with some other guy, anyway.)
mightycpa Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 So which is worse for you? That she was so in love with somebody that she gave herself to them completely, or that riding a penisaurus meant nothing to her emotionally? If you don't like that about her, then you need to find someone a little less desirous of men, or desirable to men... both of which have their problems too. I've read about this too many times recently. It's like a friggin' epidemic. 4
Author joe3889 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 I don't care about the boyfriends. Its the one night stands that bother me
mightycpa Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I don't care about the boyfriends. Its the one night stands that bother meWhat about the ONS? That **** is meaningless. What exactly bothers you about that?
Author joe3889 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Posted July 9, 2015 that she would give up something special like that to some dbag who hit on her at a party
Seeker12 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Take her for the person she is now, not for who she was, you werent in her life before and she has the right to make whatever decisions she wanted to make before. You entered her life at this juncture, at this point in time, move forward from this point in time with her, dont move backwards.
ravfour4 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Sex is and isn't the most intimate thing. Passionate sex where you're making out and totally in love with someone is the most intimate thing. Random one night stand may look similar, but it's just for physical pleasure. As animals we have an urge to have sex to procreate and monogamy is something we force on our species, it's not natural. Each of us should want to make as many babies as possible to keep our lineage and genes going. It's a one night stand for a reason, they had no intention of making it anything more like a serious relationship. Don't sweat it dude, and if you can't get over it, then break up with her if it's going to bug you constantly. Simple decision, but I think you should just get over it.
Ronni_W Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 that she would give up something special like that to some dbag who hit on her at a party Are you sure that, FOR HER, she was "giving up something special" to the ONS -- or is that only your own spin on it? And, if it's just your spin, then why are you allowing your mind to spin it that way??? Given that YOU are in control of your thoughts, and not the other way around. If, FOR HER, she was just satisfying a sexual (or emotional or whatever) need, impulse, craving -- then why would you want to turn that into something else; something that it never was? Do you want to stay with her? If so, don't let that other "voice/demon" in your head try to talk you out of staying with her by giving you (fake or illogical or ridiculous) "reasons" to dump her.
Trep Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Dude, seriously? A twenty year old girl who's only had 2 one night stands...That's below average for most 20 year old women (and men) in this generation. If you're this bothered by TWO one night stands, you're going to be in for a rough time in the dating pool, mate. 1
EgoJoe Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Her sexual history sounds like a week in my life at twenty five. You're probably not going to be with her forever and you don't own her. You're too attached, realize how little control you have and let go. 1
Grumpybutfun Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Let her go be with someone less controlling, sexist and immature. You have zero right to be this upset over behaviors you yourself have exhibited. This is extremely unhealthy and unequal. She needs someone more mature. Good luck, Grumps 6
dangerbang Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 She gave something special to someone who hit on her? Jesus Christ. Get over yourself. You sound like a controlling nightmare of a man-child. She's slept with what, 6 guys? This isn't the Middle Ages ffs. Wait till you're my age and see how you cope with girls having slept with 50 or 60 guys in their life. How would you deal with that? That they gave up their virtue and allowed so many treacherous oafs to deflower them. May they burn in hell!
Starks Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I know that I have a terrible double standard... do you? This whole thread is preposterous. go find yourself a nun and let this girl live her life
Itspointless Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) Every guy I have ever known has no problem sleeping around and makes a distinction between girls who sleep around and girls who are dateable. I never done that, but anyway who the *** are they to judge? If you cannot handle it than do not ask about it. What matters is that she chooses to be with you now. She does not do these other guys right now, right? I was raised protestant but I'm not very religious. It is not an issue in that way Concepts and ideals have more power over us than you think. Edited July 9, 2015 by Itspointless
mightycpa Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 that she would give up something special like that to some dbag who hit on her at a partyPearls among swine, eh? So I'm not sure what the point of all this is... are you looking to find a reason to change your mind? Want people to tell you how ridiculous you are? Looking for a little affirmation? In my opinion, if that bothers you, then it bothers you. It doesn't matter what other people think about it. They don't have to live with the ideas swirling around in your head - only you have to live with that. If you can't, then you can't, and that is pretty much that. The reality is that you're going to have to cut out a whole swath of the population as a potential partner, making it more difficult to find someone otherwise suitable, but again, that's just the way the cookie crumbles for you. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Joe3889 you get some points in my book for recognizing that it's your problem not hers. She was forthright with you about her past. For you to now punish her for it is problematic. Sex isn't that special any more. She was using it to make herself feel better. Don't begrudge somebody a small measure of comfort. There are way more self destructive ways she could have gone. It looks to me like she experimented while in a dark place then came back to the person you care about it. If you can't see that, break up with her because she deserves to be with a man who will celebrate the person she is, not condemn her for some past choices. 1
Chi townD Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 that she would give up something special like that to some dbag who hit on her at a party Dude, she broke up with her boyfriend at the time. Probably someone she was emotionally invested in and she was heartbroken. She went to a party and drank. She made some poor decisions. She probably hooked up with him so she could feel something again. Some kind of comfort and closeness. It probably wasn't don't out of lust, but probably more out of solace. But, dollars to donuts she probably worse the next morning. But, let me ask you a few questions, Joe? Were you a virgin when you met her? Haven't you done ANYTHING that you were ashamed of? Isn't there anything you wanted to do over in your life? There's an old saying in the bible, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." Now, here you are. You have a girl that YOU SAY is wanted my several different guys. That she is hot, social able and fun to be around. Guys desire her. BUT! SHE CHOSE YOU!! She see's something in you that she likes. She feels comfortable being with you. She could have her pick of men, but she wants YOU! You should be grateful, humbled and lucky to score such a catch. She's not looking for a "hookup" with you. She's not looking for "friends with benefits" with you. She see's something special in you and what she wants the most in this world is to be your girl. Her partner in life. Someone that she can share her life with. Think on that for awhile before you throw something special away. TALK TO HER! Tell her about your insecurities. You need to communicate your feelings without trying to make her feel too bad about her past. Tell her that you need to know "why you"? What makes you so special? You need encouragement and re-enforcement. Do not argue, do not point fingers and try to understand where she's coming from! And when you're done having that tough conversation, then treat her to something special. A romantic evening out. A weekend getaway to a B&B. SOMETHING that's going to make her feel important in your life. 3
contel3 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Having slept with 6 people when you are 20 is not a lot. Some people that age have slept with thrice as much but won't tell you about it. So I would consider yourself lucky she was honest. If you have a problem with people who have had a ONS you will have a very hard time finding anyone suitable. It happens to most people at least once in a lifetime (regretted or not). Or you will be together with the one girl who was smart enough to lie to you.
LoveIsMyReligion Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Nobody likes the thought of their girl being with another man, even if it was in the past. However you can't judge her if you've done the same. If you had said you've only been with 1 or 2 women then I would say break-up with this girl and look for someone with the same morals/values as yourself, but because you've pretty much done exactly what she has I HIGHLY recommend you work to resolve these issues. I think what you're feeling is 100% normal and I am the same exact way. Yes it would be nice to meet a beautiful girl who has never been with another man, or maybe just 1 or 2, and is amazing in bed with a great personality; however times have changed and we have to accept that this isn't very realistic anymore.
Eighty_nine Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Let her go be with someone less controlling, sexist and immature. You have zero right to be this upset over behaviors you yourself have exhibited. This is extremely unhealthy and unequal. She needs someone more mature. Good luck, Grumps you're coming off as extremely sexist, OP. 'giving something up something special to someone who hit on her at a party'- maybe she just wanted to get laid. What about that isnt OK?
Mrin Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 A few random thoughts on this: 1. Mightycpa is right. This is a freaking epidemic. How many times do we see this exact same scenario played out here? 2. Don't talk about your sexual past. Ever. Nothing ever good ever comes from it. Seriously, what good can come of it? "Hey, I really was on the fence about you but when you told me about the back door action you had with that other guy I was like, damn! I love you!", said no dude ever. 3. 6 dudes @ 20? And only 1 ONS? The lady is practically a virgin. 4. Kudos to you OP for realizing this is your crazy. Here's a short video clip to watch that might save you some therapy $$$. 2
Itspointless Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 3. 6 dudes @ 20? And only 1 ONS? The lady is practically a virgin. Thats bull*** and your know it. There is nothing wrong with having had multiple partners and experience but lets be real. As for the OP the now is what counts.
EgoJoe Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 Attacking the OP for having a very typical outlook on life for his age is not going to help him. All too often people with agendas based off of a bias on this website are giving poor advice because they are jaded. He is introspecting; he wants to improve. Don't beat him down. 1
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