Think there's any hope? My story [long!]

[sabregirlxo]

Alright, so, I kind of just want to get opinions or advice or whatever, so I'll spill everything. It's also just to get it out. But it will be quite a read and I apologize in advance if it jumps around a lot. It's hard to get all your thoughts together in an organized manner.

 

My now ex-boyfriend and I had been dating for almost a year (10 months) when he broke up with me a month ago. He was my first boyfriend, I'm 23 now and he is 21. I also lost my virginity to him.

 

First, I should explain a little about my Ex. He has a lot of unique qualities and some things people would call "issues." It just made me love him more because he was different from any other guy I had met. He is bipolar, though he has a good handle on that. When he is in his down period, he goes off the grid and takes his medication and it lasts for a week and he's fine. Every now and then he goes through a manic phase where he is usually overly excited about everything. He also suffers frequent migraines, and is very introverted. He outwardly portrays himself as outgoing, but after so much of that, he needs a couple of days to recuperate and needs just "me-time." He needs space. With this, he is also rather bad at conversations. He prefers in person, and dislikes phone calls and texts. He also has no social media presence. And finally, he is a rather private person. He sections off his life- nobody from one part of his life meets somebody from the other... If it happens accidentally, it makes him stressed. But he never does it on purpose, typically.

 

Before we really got serious, he also admitted that he still had feelings for a girl who broke his heart 3 years ago and he will always look at her as the one that got away. It wasn't something that bothered me because he was honest and upfront about it and he also said that them getting back together was as likely as winning the lottery- near impossible. And later he said yeah, he has feelings for her, but the love he has for me is genuine, too.

 

He is an athletic guy- does all sorts of sports (mainly soccer and hockey), and he is also a photographer, an avid writer (does a lot of poetry) and avid reader and intellectual kind of guy. He reads everything under the sun- comics, fiction, non fiction, biographies etc. He likes operas and art galleries, sporting events and ball room dancing.. He loves to do experiments and try new things, and loves to learn. He is the type of guy that takes classes just for fun, to learn something new. He always has new hobbies and interests that he tries out and explores.

 

So yeah, he is a rather unique and interesting and mysterious guy... and I love all of that about him. The only thing that ever got to me was the lack of conversation when I didn't see him for a couple of days. I understand giving space, and totally will do that. But I would still like to hear from you a little bit, maybe have a conversation every day to know you're okay and such. Not one word answers. And if you need a bit more space, just tell me. I have my own life, I'll be fine if I don't see you everyday.

 

Okay, so... Me. As I said, I'd never had a relationship before. I'm 23 now, lost my virginity to him. I have pretty bad anxiety, something that developed in the last 3 years, and have panic attacks quite a bit. My now ex boyfriend admitted that sometimes I could be a bit needy, but it wasn't something that bothered him, apparently, and it wasn't something that was constant.

 

We met playing hockey. I was still in college, the summer before my last semester. It was a beginners league- he had just started and it was my second season. We were friends first, for a couple of weeks and then began to flirt quite a bit. Eventually, in August, we started dating and it took off from there. He quickly became an anchor for me as the stress piled up and the panic attacks happened. He knew just what to say if he wasn't there and just how to hold me if he was to calm me down. I worry and stress over so much, and he tends not to worry or stress about anything. It was a nice balance. I worried enough for the both of us. I also met his sister- the one he is closest to (he's not very close to his family)- because she wanted to meet me and he reluctantly agreed. I lost my virginity after a couple of months of dating. Eventually I graduated, and he met my mom and my brothers.

 

He took me to an opera, to art galleries, to festivals... things I normally didn't do. He broadened my horizons and he even got me to buy a dress (I never wear dresses, feel super uncomfortable in them). At the time, we both only had part time jobs, so money was tight. We lived separately, I lived about 30 minutes from him and hockey (which was a big thing in our shared life. It is a shared community we both have). He would stay over maybe once a week or so, and I'd see him quite a bit. (we played hockey 3 times a week) It was amazing. Eventually, I found a job in my field in March and the first month was horrible. I had a 100 mile round trip commute and it was just miserable. I hate the job, still dislike it (not what I do, but the types of things I work on is just boring and uninteresting). Eventually I moved so I lived almost on top of the ice rink and cut my commute in half, and my ex lived only ten minutes away. I was also now close to my friends, too. So things got a little better, but I still hated my job. The only thing that got me through it easily was thinking of him and the fun plans we had for the weekend or for the night (watching shows or movies, or going out to dinner or hiking etc. Neither of us are into the club scene or drink much). So it made my days and weeks go by faster. I also got to see him more, and he cooked for me a lot, too. He stayed over once a week definitely now. Sometimes two.

 

One of the things is that I need quite a bit of sleep, and he's fine on just 4 hours a day. But he would still go to sleep when I did when he stayed over etc.

 

Anyway... fastforward. By now I've actually met everyone in his family except his oldest brother and his dad (separated parents). I met his mom like a month before the breakup. His little brother plays airsoft with my friends, and I had gone with my ex to pick him up from school a few times. And his other sister I met at a movie.

 

He got a new part time job and definitely got busier. But we still saw each other a lot. He also started to teach me how to play soccer and began getting me into that. I'm now an Arsenal fan (to his dismay) and he got me a jersey (hard for him to buy me haha). I had gotten him a jersey for his birthday, for his favorite player.

 

A couple of weeks before he broke up with me, we went on a fancy dinner date downtown. I paid 150 dollars for the two of us and I don't regret a penny. Delicious food. And then we decided it would be a once a month thing, and every other month we'd switch who treats. He also got me wearing dresses more, made me feel comfortable in beautiful in them. Now I have like, seven dresses and two skirts... WOW. haha

 

Anyway... We had a couple of failed dates too. Like an amusement park.. I love roller coasters. He didn't tell me he was afraid of heights... I had bought the tickets. So we went on one coaster and after he said he didn't think he'd go on any others with me. I got upset about it because I wouldn't have come then, if I can't share the experience with someone (none of my friends like coasters either). I gave him a hard time about it, since I had bought the tickets. We left the park and went back to my place. We made up (no, not with sex. haha), he apologized, it was cool. Stuff like that happened rather infrequently.

 

I admit sometimes I gave him a hard time about not really talking to me a lot if I didn't get to see him a couple of days. But he always came back and said not to worry, it doesn't bother him that sometimes I got a little sarcastic about it or something. (I usually always apologized for giving him a hard time, because I know he needs space)

 

Anyway... I don't think you need to know our entire life stories.

 

He broke up with me on a Saturday. The Monday and Tuesday that week, he had bad migraines. I'd seem him the saturday before, and the week before that we had sex every night (It was a challenge... He would have sex with me every day for a week, and then for 3 weeks after, he got to tease me). Then Thursday, he saw me briefly for about fifteen minutes, he was busy. And Friday... Friday night was when he would always stay over. I asked him if he wanted to go downtown with me that evening. He said sure, and he would stay Saturday night instead. Then later said he didn't think he could. He gave me vague answers, and eventually I got that it isn't me, he just needs space from everyone at the moment. I got upset since I hadn't seen him all week and barely talked to him over text or anything... so I got snarky with him and then apologized a couple hours later when he didn't reply. (Also, was on my period by this point..)

 

Then Saturday morning... I asked if I would see him today. He asked when I wanted him. I told him whenever and to bring his swim trunks, we could go swimming. He came over around noon. And broke up with me.

 

He said that it wasn't me. He said that he was losing interest but not because I was any less interesting and that it was hard to explain. By this point I was sobbing and it's hard for me to remember anything of what he said. I had a panic attack too, and he held me, apologized profusely. I begged him, of course. He also told his brother to tell my best friend that he was breaking up with me and I wasn't taking it well. So when he left and I called him, my friend was pretty much already on his way. Spent the day with him, saw Jurassic World... it was hard. Then that night... I went to play hockey. (pick up games on Friday and Sat nights). And... my now ex was also there, as usual, as goalie. I refuse to let him take hockey from me. It is the one thing that makes me super happy. I love it, I can never stop playing hockey.

 

Anyway.. I scored three goals on him and checked him when he was behind the net. Haha

 

After the game I asked if he would get something to eat with me so we could talk a little, so I wasn't a sobbing mess. The conversation revealed a little more to me. Basically... sometimes he felt like seeing me was a chore and he didn't want to. And when that started happening, he figured he shouldn't lead me on. So he decided Saturday morning he was going to break up with me. I asked if he could ever see us getting back together again... and he said he didn't know, but that he doesn't want to give me false hope, because he knows how hard it is to get over someone- he still isn't completely over someone.

 

The next morning, I was crying so much I fell down the stairs, all of them, and it hurt to move. I tried calling my friend, but no answer. The only other option was him. So I called him. He rushed over and made sure I didn't have a concussion, helped me up and assessed the damage (med student in college). Luckily I didn't break anything, just bruised, bad rug burn and scratches, and I had a bruise on my nose and under my eye. I also told him I had dark thoughts- suffocating myself mainly, and had tried it.. And he opened up to me a bit about his own dark times. He held me while I sobbed again- because it was really scary that I had actually tried to use a bag to do it. At this point, my mother was actually flying to spend time with me to keep me company. So he stayed with me until he had to go to work, and then checked on me every thirty minutes until my mom got there. He said he'd always be there for me and he will never abandon me, and he still cares a great deal about me. And that he hopes we can remain good friends. Since then, not a single dark thought. Ive been having trouble with eating- I find myself with much less of an appetite and lost five pounds in the first 2 weeks. I'm only 110 lbs to begin with. I can't lose weight, and it's frustrating to be unable to eat when usually I eat so much. But it's gotten a little better.

 

So the no contact thing... really hard to do when I play hockey with him twice a week. I kind of have to talk to him.

 

Blah blah, I've cried a lot. I received the gift in the mail that I was going to give him for our one year and decided to still give it to him. If he didn't want it, he could sell it or throw it away. But it was his. When he got his stuff from my place a week or so later, I gave it to him. I have since found out he is still physically attracted to me but that's low on his list in a relationship, apparently.

 

I'm doing better. Not crying. Sometimes I tear up when I hear a song that reminds me of him, or I remember something. A lot of the times it's thinking about all the things we had planned to do- vacation for our one year... etc But I'm feeling okay. I like a lot of what I'm feeling down. Especially at work. It helps a bit. I've talked to him a little bit over texts every now and then. Womens world cup talks and such.

 

I've come to the realization, though, that I believe I will always love him and want him. I will always feel that way up until someone else comes and sweeps me off my feet like he did. But until then, I will love him. Maybe even still.

 

I hung out with him for the first time yesterday after work. I told him I wasn't sure how to be his friend, since I never met any of his friends and I wasn't sure how he interacts with them. If he barely talks to them, or talks to them a lot, or whatever. He admitted he really only had two friends- one is the girl who broke his heart who he still has trouble being friends with- and the other is a friend from high school. But we had a pretty good heart to heart... and it was... okay. I felt the same as I have been feeling recently. Longing and missing him, but okay. Accepting. Also, he said I looked really good (I was wearing a skirt and a tank top that was rather revealing. It's 100 degrees here, it wasn't done on purpose).

 

He invited me to go to the bar we always went to to watch soccer in order to watch the Mens national team play. I decided to go. I drove us.. he complimented me again and the conversation eventually got to him admitting he would have liked nothing more than to have been able to kiss me and put his hands where they should no longer be. I told him having sex with an ex was probably a bad idea, especially since I am still not over him. He said he understands, and he would never ask or suggest it unless I wanted to. We had another heart to heart... where he admitted sex wasn't really a big deal to him. In a relationship, it is an added bonus. I agree, but I will only ever do it with someone I care about.

 

We had a great time, USA won, woohoo. And I drove us back home. He stayed for a bit and we talked more. About everything and nothing like usual. Then it came up again- he jokingly said I should change because that shirt makes me look really good. I half jokingly told him to stop tempting me. And he told me that he wouldn't think any differently of me if I decided I wanted to, and he hoped I wouldn't think differently of him if he said he kind of wanted to. I told him I really wanted it- so badly. I missed him so much but that I still have feelings for him. And I just really didn't want him to think of me as desperate or whatever. He said he promised he wouldn't think of me like that, and that it was my choice. I kept going back and forth and said something silly. He took my chin and told me that it doesn't matter what anybody thinks or what anybody else wants, it's my choice and I know what's best for me. But in a way more eloquent way, because he's well spoken like that.

 

And well, I kissed him. I couldn't help it. And it devolved from there. He kissed me back with a passion close to when we first had sex. He kept asking me if I was sure, I could stop at any time. He kept saying it. But I didn't. Maybe stupid of me, I don't know. But it was mind blowingly amazing sex. It was amazing. He laid with me for awhile after, running his hand through my hair. It was nearly 2 am, and I had to wake up for 6:30 for work. So once I came down from the high he took his leave.

 

I had the best sleep I've had all month- got less of it, but it wasn't restless. It was great. And I woke up feeling the same as before. Usually, mornings were the worst during that month for me. I'd wake up and cry a bit, missing him and being alone. But this morning I felt... okay. Even now, I feel okay. Do I wish there was more to it? Friggin yes, of course I do. But it hasn't changed how I feel or how I will feel. I feel the same. Maybe just a little bit more hopeful than before.

 

I invited him to kickball with me on Saturday, something we have done together before. He agreed to go. We're... the same as before.

 

So there it is. Most of it anyway. It's long enough as it is... I don't need to add more. Sorry about that, by the way.

 

Do you guys think there's any chance? I know most will think I'm an idiot for having sex with him last night... But... I don't regret it. It was wonderful. He always makes me feel special and takes care of me even if it means he doesn't get anything out of it. And even though I did that, I'm still getting out and doing things to meet new people- like rock climbing and martial arts and all sorts of things. I'm even working out now and running to get in better shape.

 

I just... he is an amazing guy. The girl he still has feelings for is the luckiest girl. She doesn't even know what she's missing. Thinking about it, if he did get back with her... I would definitely be jealous, hell yes. But I really would also be happy for him. I would be so happy if he is.

 

I guess I just needed to get all this out to anonymous people, get advice and get opinions... Friends are sometimes too worried to hurt you to tell you the truth.

 

Edit: Gosh I rambled so much. Haha maybe too much. I've never done this before. I just spilled everything.

 

Edit: We barely ever argued. We had points were I got somewhat upset by something silly, but that's it... He never lost his cool or got angry. Tying in with the lack of communication that bugged me, he never told me what bothered him. If I did something and it bothered him... or what... he would always say that he tries not to worry about stuff like that.

Edited July 9, 2015 by sabregirlxo

[54JA]

Are you trying to get over him?

[sabregirlxo]

Yes and no. I've been going out and doing things to meet new people, and get out more and make new friends. I've been trying to make the effort to replace the time I usually spent with him with having fun. Rock climbing, for example.

 

I also only have one friend around here anymore, and he works full time now too. So it's hard to find distractions all the time. And I'm an impatient person by nature. I want to be able to have fun with him again. This best friend of mine also just got back with his ex girlfriend, and it's... difficult to go and hang out with the two of them sometimes. More damage than good, sometimes.

 

But at the same time, half of me still doesn't want to get over him, half of me wants to pine over him and to get him back. I'm still struggling to put myself 100% into getting over him. I want to, and I know I need to. But it's always harder to actually do than to want.

Edited July 9, 2015 by sabregirlxo

[54JA]

Why do you think you need to get over him?

[sabregirlxo]

I think... because if I don't try to get over him, I'll be stuck. He'll eventually move on if he doesn't want to get back together. And I'll be stuck. I don't want to be. Ultimately... I want to be happy. And I want so badly for it to be with him. But it might not be. And I think it's best if I try to get over him as best as I can.

 

I just... it feels like I can't ever get over him completely. I hate kids, absolutely hate them. Have never wanted them. But with him... I had a wonderful dream that we had a little boy and we were teaching him how to skate... it was the most... heart warming and beautiful thing. I woke up and wanted that so badly.

 

So when he has influenced me so drastically, it's hard to get over.

[54JA]

Believe it or not, many of us have gone through what you are going through now when we were younger. I can totally understand how hard it is to get over your first "true love." I still remember the time when I can just spend hours talking about how wonderful, amazing, and special the guy was. If I wasn't talking, I had no problem writing pages and pages about him, from how I met him, his history, the conversations we had, etc.

 

We can give you our opinions about how this might turn out, what is the smart thing to do, etc, but since you are so young and this was your first, I feel like it's OK for you to approach it however way you feel is right. It's almost like a rite of passage. Whatever course of actions you decide to take, since you went into this relationship with your 100%, I'm sure you will learn a great deal and come out a wonderful, strong woman.

 

If I were to make suggestions, it would be the following. 1) Seek help for your anxiety (but not from your ex), 2) continue working on expanding your social network, 3) Read about the stages of grieving a lost love (you will realize that you are not alone/you are not crazy), 4) Avoid having sex with your ex (That is what I would tell my best friend), and 5) read about NC guideline here even if you have no intention of implementing it.

 

Hang in there.

[stephaniefuchs]

Please come out of it. It happens but make yourself strong and come to the real world make yourself confident and take a long drive forget every thing and start a new life new beginning.